otherwise known as "stop being a dumbass"
Title: Next Steps ...
Characters: Jared Phillips (jaggedjared), Elena Munez
Universe(s): A Safe Harbor/Falling Starlight
Timeline: The Nebula and Disenchanted Storylines (because they overlap.)
Rating: Mature.
Written for jaggedjared
I just need time, Jared. I just ... don't ask me what's in my head right now. I need time.
I'm going to ask you what's in your head. I deserve that much, Elena. You keep asking me not to talk about it, but it happened and we can't ignore it and I don't think you want me to. Why can't you just let yourself be happy, E? You're worried about what happened changing things. It will. If you don't just talk to me.
What if I'm why we can't have nice things?
As scared as she was, this time she went to him. This time there weren't tours to get back to or facial bruises that were healing. As soon as she'd slept off the jetlag from Greece and downed a pot of coffee, Elena grabbed her keys from the bedside table and rushed to her car before she could psych herself out. Half an hour later, she was searching for parking outside of Jared's building. On her third trip around the block, just as she was ready to head a couple of streets over, a car pulled out and she slipped into the spot. But once she'd turned off the engine, she sat for a few minutes, staring at the endless stream of messages back and forth. They hadn't seen each other since that lunch in the diner, when he'd confronted her about being with Marshall.
I saw a video of the show in Berlin. Oh my god you are a Goddess up there.
I miss my horror movie buddy. The boys are such wimps.
My bed is cold.
I'm fucking tired of not sleeping. E. We have to fucking talk.
I miss you.
She sat, staring at the last words she'd messaged to him. She did miss him. She more than missed him, but she wasn't going to tell him she loved him from half a world away. No. Not after she'd been such an idiot about this whole thing. If she'd actually talked to him after Vegas, she still could have been there to help Marshall but not drown in her own crazy. Jared could have been there for her. Instead, she'd sat quietly, letting herself suffer when she knew better, and now she was fucking terrified she'd totally blown it and they were about to go spend three months on the road together. No matter what, this had to get worked out and it had to happen now.
Taking a breath and sucking up the little courage she had, Elena stepped out of the car, shouldered her purse, and headed into the building. She took the stairs, it took more time, and when she was standing in front of his door, she suddenly realized she hadn't checked to see if he was home, she hadn't stopped for food as a peace offering, she hadn't .... god. She hadn't thought. Just like the last couple of months, really. Thinking, she was learning, was really not her strong suit. Despite her tendency to overthink.
A shaking hand rapped on his door and she chewed on her lip as she waited for him to get around to answering. If he was home. She hadn't looked for his car. She should have texted. She should have ...
The doorknob turned.
Time slowed down for a moment as she took in the image of her best friend and the man she was in love with as he blinked against the light. She'd woken him up. He was in a pair of sweats and one of his oldest t-shirts and his hair was everywhere. Makeup was smudged just below the bloodshot eyes that were staring at her and she didn't know what to do so she shifted her feet back and forth and looked for something witty to say.
"I thought about getting you a 'my best friend went to Greece after we slept together and all she got me was this lousy t-shirt" shirt but they didn't have one in your size and I knew I'd steal it anyway so ..."
There. That was witty, right?
He shook his head and a slow smile spread across his face. He held out a hand and she took it and he tugged her into his apartment. When the door closed, she leaned against it and waited for him to make his move because she just wasn't sure she could. Not until she knew how he felt. Luckily for her, he did move. His hands were on her waist and he leaned in, his lips inches from hers.
"You know what," he said against her skin, "we need to talk, Little Elf. But we're going to do it later, okay? Because it's been months and I fucking miss how you feel with me."
She shivered as his hands moved up, under her shirt. "Definitely."
Their lips clashed and he pushed her back against the door. They tugged at clothes and stumbled over each other until they ended up in his bed among the rumpled sheets and it wasn't until she collapsed on top of him that they spoke again.
"God that has to keep happening," she muttered against the hollow of his throat.
"You ran pretty fast last time we did it, E." His hands were moving up and down her back and she nuzzled him.
"It just scared the hell out of me, Jared. And that isn't fair to you, I know. But I don't have a lot of stability and you are my stability and I just ... I was scared."
"Travis says that when something is real, it should scare you."
"He can be pretty deep sometimes." She sighed and sat up a bit. Jared's hands moved to her hips to stabilize her. "Fuck, J. What if we screw us up?"
"Then we talk through it. Like we've talked through everything else over the last seven years."
She bit her lip and looked down at his chest. "J ... I don't want to hurt you."
"Why do you think you're going to hurt me?"
"Have you met me? I'm not exactly the queen of stable relationships. Look at what I did to Marshall."
"Are you still blaming yourself for him being an idiot?"
"What about just this ... last ... I mean ..." She climbed off of him and everything in her wanted to cuddle up with him but something told her that this was about to get serious so she slipped out of bed, and wrapped herself in the blanket on the nearby chair. In the fading light of the afternoon, she stared at him across the bedroom, trying to put her thoughts into words. She knew she didn't have to defend what happened most recently with Marshall to Jared. She knew that on a deep level, Jared understood. She just wished she did. "I'm being serious, J. This has the potential for disaster. I don't want to fucking lose you and I feel like I almost have."
He was quiet for a long time and she watched the emotions pass over his body. She knew him well enough to keep her mouth shut until he spoke.
"I've had a lot of time to think while you've been screwing Marshall and then running around Europe," he said. Elena winced. Okay, so despite his rather enthusastic greeting and despite his repeated assurance that he understood why she'd done it, he also wasn't happy with the situation. Well, she deserved that bit of reality. Scared, she tucked tighter into the blanket and stared at the floor. Jared climbed off the bed, pulled on his boxers, and walked over, crouching in front of her. He extracted her hands from the blanket and linked their fingers. "Look at me, E." It took a moment, but she did. "Look. I'm sick of this. Whatever it is. I'm sick of us pretending that it hasn't been there for a long time. And at first I was willing to sit back and chill because you're my fucking best friend and it isn't like I'm not used to the friends with benefits thing with Travis or anything. But you aren't Travis." He sighed. "I am so sick of pretending with you. I'm sick of you pretending with me. I'm sick of dreaming about you and waking up without you. I'm sick of us seeing each other and falling asleep together but not admitting that there was more to our spooning than something romantic. I'm sick of not admitting my feelings for you. And if that means we fuck everything up then we fuck everything up. But I'm not Marshall, Elena. I'm not going to try to fucking save you from yourself. I know that isn't how it fucking works. And maybe you're right and maybe we're co-dependent and will self destruct but tell me how you showing up and us just fucking won't self destruct either?" He kissed her fingers. "I love you, E. I love you but you run. You come up against something that might hurt you and you run. You run to the band because they want to protect you and you run to music because it saves you. You run. You run and work and charm but you run. For five fucking minutes, would you stop running and just listen to the voices of other angels?"
She didn't have a response. She wanted to pull away and throw her clothes on and get out, but she also didn't. So she looked at him. "You're the only one who ..."
"Gets it? Gets what it's like to be scared that you didn't take meds because your brain is telling you to jump off a cliff?"
"Yeah." She shivered. "And what if you go away?"
"E, if we fuck this up, I promise you that we'll stay friends."
"Stop." She sucked in a breath. "Stop! You can't promise that! You can't promise that. It isn't fair to either of us to promise it."
"Yes, I can promise it. And maybe it'll take time to just be friends again. But why should we run from something that fucking matters? That could be amazing?"
She was trembling. He pulled her into his arms and she curled up against his body. "J ..."
"Say it. Whatever it is, say it."
Suddenly she realized she didn't have anything to say. He was right. It wasn't that she didn't want this. It was that she was fucking terrified that it could be amazing. Taking a breath, she let that reality sink into her brain and her heart and her soul. Her shoulders relaxed. She felt her blood pressure lessen. "Let's get some coffee."
"How much have you already had today?"
"I'm not dead yet."
He chuckled and she loved the feel of his body vibrating against hers. "Sounds like a plan."
He didn't let go and she rolled her eyes. "No really, coffee. I didn't mean round two." She took a breath and removed his hand from her leg. "Really, just ... one thing at a time, okay?"
"Dammit, E." He laughed and they found their feet. "Why don't we go get food instead." Drawing her back into his arms, he looked into her eyes. "We'll take this at the speed of Elena."
She laughed a bit. "Meaning what exactly?"
"I'm not going to let you run away just because it's what is easiest for you. But I'm also not going to push you so hard that this does fall apart."
"Thank you," she kissed him.
"I have a feeling it's going to be easier than we think it's going to be though. We've already got the talking part down. Now," he grinned brightly, "we get to have sex and not feel guilty about it! And now that we're going on tour together, we can totally claim the bus lounges and extra spaces in the sleeper cars."
That made her giggle.
"And, I get to glare at the assholes who stalk you after shows."
"You already do that."
"Now I get to do it in a possessive, keep your hands off my woman, kind of way."
She laughed and pushed at him. "Your woman?"
"Yup."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm going to go rinse off. You decide where we're going."
"Real Mexican food?" He looked hopeful.
"Hmmmmm ...." she smiled as she walked toward his bathroom. "We'll go to El Huarachito. I could use something tasty."
"Gracias!" He bounced a bit, which, since he was naked, only made her laugh. He rolled his eyes and walked to the pile of clothes he called his dresser. "Go shower."
Once inside the bathroom, Elena let out a breath. She was terrified, but this felt good. Really good.
Characters: Jared Phillips (jaggedjared), Elena Munez
Universe(s): A Safe Harbor/Falling Starlight
Timeline: The Nebula and Disenchanted Storylines (because they overlap.)
Rating: Mature.
Written for jaggedjared
I just need time, Jared. I just ... don't ask me what's in my head right now. I need time.
I'm going to ask you what's in your head. I deserve that much, Elena. You keep asking me not to talk about it, but it happened and we can't ignore it and I don't think you want me to. Why can't you just let yourself be happy, E? You're worried about what happened changing things. It will. If you don't just talk to me.
What if I'm why we can't have nice things?
As scared as she was, this time she went to him. This time there weren't tours to get back to or facial bruises that were healing. As soon as she'd slept off the jetlag from Greece and downed a pot of coffee, Elena grabbed her keys from the bedside table and rushed to her car before she could psych herself out. Half an hour later, she was searching for parking outside of Jared's building. On her third trip around the block, just as she was ready to head a couple of streets over, a car pulled out and she slipped into the spot. But once she'd turned off the engine, she sat for a few minutes, staring at the endless stream of messages back and forth. They hadn't seen each other since that lunch in the diner, when he'd confronted her about being with Marshall.
I saw a video of the show in Berlin. Oh my god you are a Goddess up there.
I miss my horror movie buddy. The boys are such wimps.
My bed is cold.
I'm fucking tired of not sleeping. E. We have to fucking talk.
I miss you.
She sat, staring at the last words she'd messaged to him. She did miss him. She more than missed him, but she wasn't going to tell him she loved him from half a world away. No. Not after she'd been such an idiot about this whole thing. If she'd actually talked to him after Vegas, she still could have been there to help Marshall but not drown in her own crazy. Jared could have been there for her. Instead, she'd sat quietly, letting herself suffer when she knew better, and now she was fucking terrified she'd totally blown it and they were about to go spend three months on the road together. No matter what, this had to get worked out and it had to happen now.
Taking a breath and sucking up the little courage she had, Elena stepped out of the car, shouldered her purse, and headed into the building. She took the stairs, it took more time, and when she was standing in front of his door, she suddenly realized she hadn't checked to see if he was home, she hadn't stopped for food as a peace offering, she hadn't .... god. She hadn't thought. Just like the last couple of months, really. Thinking, she was learning, was really not her strong suit. Despite her tendency to overthink.
A shaking hand rapped on his door and she chewed on her lip as she waited for him to get around to answering. If he was home. She hadn't looked for his car. She should have texted. She should have ...
The doorknob turned.
Time slowed down for a moment as she took in the image of her best friend and the man she was in love with as he blinked against the light. She'd woken him up. He was in a pair of sweats and one of his oldest t-shirts and his hair was everywhere. Makeup was smudged just below the bloodshot eyes that were staring at her and she didn't know what to do so she shifted her feet back and forth and looked for something witty to say.
"I thought about getting you a 'my best friend went to Greece after we slept together and all she got me was this lousy t-shirt" shirt but they didn't have one in your size and I knew I'd steal it anyway so ..."
There. That was witty, right?
He shook his head and a slow smile spread across his face. He held out a hand and she took it and he tugged her into his apartment. When the door closed, she leaned against it and waited for him to make his move because she just wasn't sure she could. Not until she knew how he felt. Luckily for her, he did move. His hands were on her waist and he leaned in, his lips inches from hers.
"You know what," he said against her skin, "we need to talk, Little Elf. But we're going to do it later, okay? Because it's been months and I fucking miss how you feel with me."
She shivered as his hands moved up, under her shirt. "Definitely."
Their lips clashed and he pushed her back against the door. They tugged at clothes and stumbled over each other until they ended up in his bed among the rumpled sheets and it wasn't until she collapsed on top of him that they spoke again.
"God that has to keep happening," she muttered against the hollow of his throat.
"You ran pretty fast last time we did it, E." His hands were moving up and down her back and she nuzzled him.
"It just scared the hell out of me, Jared. And that isn't fair to you, I know. But I don't have a lot of stability and you are my stability and I just ... I was scared."
"Travis says that when something is real, it should scare you."
"He can be pretty deep sometimes." She sighed and sat up a bit. Jared's hands moved to her hips to stabilize her. "Fuck, J. What if we screw us up?"
"Then we talk through it. Like we've talked through everything else over the last seven years."
She bit her lip and looked down at his chest. "J ... I don't want to hurt you."
"Why do you think you're going to hurt me?"
"Have you met me? I'm not exactly the queen of stable relationships. Look at what I did to Marshall."
"Are you still blaming yourself for him being an idiot?"
"What about just this ... last ... I mean ..." She climbed off of him and everything in her wanted to cuddle up with him but something told her that this was about to get serious so she slipped out of bed, and wrapped herself in the blanket on the nearby chair. In the fading light of the afternoon, she stared at him across the bedroom, trying to put her thoughts into words. She knew she didn't have to defend what happened most recently with Marshall to Jared. She knew that on a deep level, Jared understood. She just wished she did. "I'm being serious, J. This has the potential for disaster. I don't want to fucking lose you and I feel like I almost have."
He was quiet for a long time and she watched the emotions pass over his body. She knew him well enough to keep her mouth shut until he spoke.
"I've had a lot of time to think while you've been screwing Marshall and then running around Europe," he said. Elena winced. Okay, so despite his rather enthusastic greeting and despite his repeated assurance that he understood why she'd done it, he also wasn't happy with the situation. Well, she deserved that bit of reality. Scared, she tucked tighter into the blanket and stared at the floor. Jared climbed off the bed, pulled on his boxers, and walked over, crouching in front of her. He extracted her hands from the blanket and linked their fingers. "Look at me, E." It took a moment, but she did. "Look. I'm sick of this. Whatever it is. I'm sick of us pretending that it hasn't been there for a long time. And at first I was willing to sit back and chill because you're my fucking best friend and it isn't like I'm not used to the friends with benefits thing with Travis or anything. But you aren't Travis." He sighed. "I am so sick of pretending with you. I'm sick of you pretending with me. I'm sick of dreaming about you and waking up without you. I'm sick of us seeing each other and falling asleep together but not admitting that there was more to our spooning than something romantic. I'm sick of not admitting my feelings for you. And if that means we fuck everything up then we fuck everything up. But I'm not Marshall, Elena. I'm not going to try to fucking save you from yourself. I know that isn't how it fucking works. And maybe you're right and maybe we're co-dependent and will self destruct but tell me how you showing up and us just fucking won't self destruct either?" He kissed her fingers. "I love you, E. I love you but you run. You come up against something that might hurt you and you run. You run to the band because they want to protect you and you run to music because it saves you. You run. You run and work and charm but you run. For five fucking minutes, would you stop running and just listen to the voices of other angels?"
She didn't have a response. She wanted to pull away and throw her clothes on and get out, but she also didn't. So she looked at him. "You're the only one who ..."
"Gets it? Gets what it's like to be scared that you didn't take meds because your brain is telling you to jump off a cliff?"
"Yeah." She shivered. "And what if you go away?"
"E, if we fuck this up, I promise you that we'll stay friends."
"Stop." She sucked in a breath. "Stop! You can't promise that! You can't promise that. It isn't fair to either of us to promise it."
"Yes, I can promise it. And maybe it'll take time to just be friends again. But why should we run from something that fucking matters? That could be amazing?"
She was trembling. He pulled her into his arms and she curled up against his body. "J ..."
"Say it. Whatever it is, say it."
Suddenly she realized she didn't have anything to say. He was right. It wasn't that she didn't want this. It was that she was fucking terrified that it could be amazing. Taking a breath, she let that reality sink into her brain and her heart and her soul. Her shoulders relaxed. She felt her blood pressure lessen. "Let's get some coffee."
"How much have you already had today?"
"I'm not dead yet."
He chuckled and she loved the feel of his body vibrating against hers. "Sounds like a plan."
He didn't let go and she rolled her eyes. "No really, coffee. I didn't mean round two." She took a breath and removed his hand from her leg. "Really, just ... one thing at a time, okay?"
"Dammit, E." He laughed and they found their feet. "Why don't we go get food instead." Drawing her back into his arms, he looked into her eyes. "We'll take this at the speed of Elena."
She laughed a bit. "Meaning what exactly?"
"I'm not going to let you run away just because it's what is easiest for you. But I'm also not going to push you so hard that this does fall apart."
"Thank you," she kissed him.
"I have a feeling it's going to be easier than we think it's going to be though. We've already got the talking part down. Now," he grinned brightly, "we get to have sex and not feel guilty about it! And now that we're going on tour together, we can totally claim the bus lounges and extra spaces in the sleeper cars."
That made her giggle.
"And, I get to glare at the assholes who stalk you after shows."
"You already do that."
"Now I get to do it in a possessive, keep your hands off my woman, kind of way."
She laughed and pushed at him. "Your woman?"
"Yup."
She rolled her eyes. "I'm going to go rinse off. You decide where we're going."
"Real Mexican food?" He looked hopeful.
"Hmmmmm ...." she smiled as she walked toward his bathroom. "We'll go to El Huarachito. I could use something tasty."
"Gracias!" He bounced a bit, which, since he was naked, only made her laugh. He rolled his eyes and walked to the pile of clothes he called his dresser. "Go shower."
Once inside the bathroom, Elena let out a breath. She was terrified, but this felt good. Really good.