(no subject)
I am so amazingly fabulously frustrated, I believe I am going insane! Lets start with the saddest thing ever, no, not the hurricane, the squirrels.
As I was leaving Curves two days ago, one decided to take a chance and dash across six lanes of street and it so happened to run in front of my car, and I hit him/it/her. It was beyond one of the saddest things I have ever experienced. Not only did I feel, really fucking terrible, I felt gross and like a murderer. I called my mother, hysterical. I honestly have no idea how I even drove after that, let alone see through the tears. It took her a long time to figure out what I was saying. She thought I hit a person, and she was trying to get me to calm down, so finally I did, and through the sobs and gasps, I told her that I hit a squirrel, and how bad I felt for the squirrel and its family. She told me that it was going to be okay, and that its probably okay, just a little shaken, So dumb me believed her and went on with my errand. After picking up my sister, and telling her what had just happened, we went back to the scene of the "suicide/homicide" and I looked for the poor creature.... sure enough there was a dead squirrel next to the curb on the street... OH MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT DID I DO
....I still feel bad.
So, besides that, I have been more frustrated than sad. With home, with work, with friends, with lots of shit. I try to tuck it all inside, but I am running out of room to put it.
Work, well, I cant get too in-depth with it. There is a lot of changes happening with in my store. A lot of people have been transferred in and around the district, and yes, I am very very happy for them, and I know they will be wonderful! That’s not the frustrating part, its more of the fact that I want to get promoted so bad, and I'm trying to hard to be, WONDERFUL....but I'm not there yet. According to my boss, I need a sense of urgency, I need to be faster. And this is not a "news flash" because she has told me before, but I have been trying to be a better associate. I want the promotion like a fat kid wants cake (speaking of which, I really want some cake) What frustrates me is the fact that I am indeed trying my butt off. I want my managers/boss to see this. I had a talk with two of them the other day after work, and I broke down into tears because I want it, It wasn't so much that what they were saying hurt, because it didn’t. Not at all. It is just reality, and as much as I try to change, it doesn’t seem to be working. Egads. I'm just going to have to try harder. That’s all... Right? Cant be as hard as I am making it. So that’s that.
Diet, Oh how frustrating are diets? Ive been dieting now for three weeks, I have lost like three pounds. lol. I've cut almost all the bad food out of my diet, I have been working out, and I haven't been eating cake! I just want to feel good about myself. I want to put on clothes, and be like damn, I'm hot. Lol. I have been chunky my entire life, and probably will never not be chunky, and that is fine with me, cause I like who I am. But it is no excuse to me lazy and unhealthy. I know many people who are a bit overweight and still are gorgeous and healthy. The other day, while working in my store. Some lady came up to me, and I was helping her with some jeans. She told me that she wouldn't be able to fit in these clothes if it wasn't for her loose skin after her bypass... Then she looked me over and said something that I took as very offensive. She basically told me that I should get a bypass and how much wonders it would work. Or something. I told my mom this, and now she is on this total trip about how I should do it, and how much different it would make my life. NO! I see people come into my store all the time. Its mostly really lazy people who don’t know what a gym and a diet is. WTFOMGBBQ? I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to take the "easy" way out. If I cant loose weight by diet and exercise...and being serious about it.. then maybe I would consider it. But not now. That’s like trying to have a baby, having sex like once, not getting pregnant, and then deciding you going to adopt.
Stupid.
Friends, or the lack there of. I have "friends" but I don’t have friends My boss asked if I had anyone to talk too, and the more and more I think about it, the more and more I realize that I don’t. I get so jealous of Jessica because she has tons of really awesome friends and I have, her. And that is it. Everyone I know lives really far away from me, and every time I try to make friends nearby, it never works out. Ever. I just really want to go and hang out like I use to, have fun and laugh. I want friends that I know if I needed them they would be there for me, and I would be there for them as well. This is how it use to be, what the hell happened? I know we were all young, and we all changed. I understand that, but what has changed it so now I'm cursed with not being able to make true friends. Not just acquaintances. I feel like the biggest loser at times, I feel just so alone. I could live an entire life with out love, but a life with out friends? that is just torture.
I hope this weekend helps me out. I need it. There is just more than I lay on the table that is going on. Some things I just don’t want to talk about, and some things I don’t want to being into reality. I have a huge weekend ahead of me, and I am so freaking excited. Rocky tonight, Toga party tomorrow (which ill be smashed at, because Jess and I rented a hotel room exactly a mile away sweet!) , the Hollywood bowl on Monday! I hope everyone has an awesome holiday! Thanks for listening to me rant
xposted in myspace!
As I was leaving Curves two days ago, one decided to take a chance and dash across six lanes of street and it so happened to run in front of my car, and I hit him/it/her. It was beyond one of the saddest things I have ever experienced. Not only did I feel, really fucking terrible, I felt gross and like a murderer. I called my mother, hysterical. I honestly have no idea how I even drove after that, let alone see through the tears. It took her a long time to figure out what I was saying. She thought I hit a person, and she was trying to get me to calm down, so finally I did, and through the sobs and gasps, I told her that I hit a squirrel, and how bad I felt for the squirrel and its family. She told me that it was going to be okay, and that its probably okay, just a little shaken, So dumb me believed her and went on with my errand. After picking up my sister, and telling her what had just happened, we went back to the scene of the "suicide/homicide" and I looked for the poor creature.... sure enough there was a dead squirrel next to the curb on the street... OH MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT DID I DO
....I still feel bad.
So, besides that, I have been more frustrated than sad. With home, with work, with friends, with lots of shit. I try to tuck it all inside, but I am running out of room to put it.
Work, well, I cant get too in-depth with it. There is a lot of changes happening with in my store. A lot of people have been transferred in and around the district, and yes, I am very very happy for them, and I know they will be wonderful! That’s not the frustrating part, its more of the fact that I want to get promoted so bad, and I'm trying to hard to be, WONDERFUL....but I'm not there yet. According to my boss, I need a sense of urgency, I need to be faster. And this is not a "news flash" because she has told me before, but I have been trying to be a better associate. I want the promotion like a fat kid wants cake (speaking of which, I really want some cake) What frustrates me is the fact that I am indeed trying my butt off. I want my managers/boss to see this. I had a talk with two of them the other day after work, and I broke down into tears because I want it, It wasn't so much that what they were saying hurt, because it didn’t. Not at all. It is just reality, and as much as I try to change, it doesn’t seem to be working. Egads. I'm just going to have to try harder. That’s all... Right? Cant be as hard as I am making it. So that’s that.
Diet, Oh how frustrating are diets? Ive been dieting now for three weeks, I have lost like three pounds. lol. I've cut almost all the bad food out of my diet, I have been working out, and I haven't been eating cake! I just want to feel good about myself. I want to put on clothes, and be like damn, I'm hot. Lol. I have been chunky my entire life, and probably will never not be chunky, and that is fine with me, cause I like who I am. But it is no excuse to me lazy and unhealthy. I know many people who are a bit overweight and still are gorgeous and healthy. The other day, while working in my store. Some lady came up to me, and I was helping her with some jeans. She told me that she wouldn't be able to fit in these clothes if it wasn't for her loose skin after her bypass... Then she looked me over and said something that I took as very offensive. She basically told me that I should get a bypass and how much wonders it would work. Or something. I told my mom this, and now she is on this total trip about how I should do it, and how much different it would make my life. NO! I see people come into my store all the time. Its mostly really lazy people who don’t know what a gym and a diet is. WTFOMGBBQ? I don’t want to be one of those people. I don’t want to take the "easy" way out. If I cant loose weight by diet and exercise...and being serious about it.. then maybe I would consider it. But not now. That’s like trying to have a baby, having sex like once, not getting pregnant, and then deciding you going to adopt.
Stupid.
Friends, or the lack there of. I have "friends" but I don’t have friends My boss asked if I had anyone to talk too, and the more and more I think about it, the more and more I realize that I don’t. I get so jealous of Jessica because she has tons of really awesome friends and I have, her. And that is it. Everyone I know lives really far away from me, and every time I try to make friends nearby, it never works out. Ever. I just really want to go and hang out like I use to, have fun and laugh. I want friends that I know if I needed them they would be there for me, and I would be there for them as well. This is how it use to be, what the hell happened? I know we were all young, and we all changed. I understand that, but what has changed it so now I'm cursed with not being able to make true friends. Not just acquaintances. I feel like the biggest loser at times, I feel just so alone. I could live an entire life with out love, but a life with out friends? that is just torture.
I hope this weekend helps me out. I need it. There is just more than I lay on the table that is going on. Some things I just don’t want to talk about, and some things I don’t want to being into reality. I have a huge weekend ahead of me, and I am so freaking excited. Rocky tonight, Toga party tomorrow (which ill be smashed at, because Jess and I rented a hotel room exactly a mile away sweet!) , the Hollywood bowl on Monday! I hope everyone has an awesome holiday! Thanks for listening to me rant
xposted in myspace!