Whispers on the Wind
This entry will reveal a secret I've kept hidden for a long time.. I have kept them secret from most because I fear what people may say about me.. judge me if you wish.. but I am not the child I once was...
I have been so busy lately.. so much going on, but finals are done, my calsses are over, my room is clean and I am still without a job, but I am trying.. the prozac is helping.. I think..
I no longer toss and turn until 3 in the morning, instead I feel tired by nine, which is good and bad at teh same time.. I am always sleepy.. but I am able to wake up early and feel well.. and I do not wish to cry anymore, nor cut.. which is a sad feeling actually.. it leaves me hurting inside, with no way to vent..
The other day Boy, Jesse, whatever.. my little brother.. the one whom I want to grow up and be something.. I want to get close to him and be his crutch when he needs someone.. something I didn't have at his age.. well.. he shoplifted yesterday.. it was yugioh cards... he has money, mother makes sure of that.. and he didn't need them... my mom sent my sister and I to retrieve him and find out teh punishment.. I did not want to go..
I was caught doing that when I was around his age.. he's only 12... and my mother was not so harsh on me.. she knew I did it because of a friend, and she'd always seen that I followed instead of lead.. but Boy never did.. She took away his cards, his toys, he's learning to draw now that he lacks other entertainment..
But what can I say to him? I told him what I wanted to be told at that age... peter is always mad, don't worry about him, Boda will get over it and mom is never dissapointed in you... when I was caught, I ran straight to my room and hid in my closet and cried.. I felt horrible.. not because I had been caught.. but becuase I felt I had dissapinted my mom.. and I still feel that way.. like all I am to her is one giant dissapointment.. and whether that is true or not, I don't think I'll ever know.. I wish I could make it up to her...
But Boy.. he felt no remorse.. he was mad that he was caught.. but he thinks it's a game.. he doesn't feel sorry for what he did.. I look so far down on it now, and it's because I was stupid enough to do it too.. but if he doesn't learn.. oy vey... I want to be a good sister.. tell him I'm there for him,.. but he doesn't want, nor need me.. I feel like I've failed.. like it's my fault he did it, that I'm the bad influence on him.. he was onl;y around 5 or 6 when I did it.. but he can remember.. and he knew what I went through.. what mommy went through..
she's tired.. she doesn't want to do this anymore.. she cried.. it takes a lot to get her to cry.. and it seems like it's usually me who does something to make her weep so very much.. this is Boy's first time.. and she cried.. I don't want him to be a dissapointment to mommy the way I am..
meepage...
um.. *sigh* what can I do? honestly..?
well.. with finals over and a new addition to my home.. I have much fun to look forward to this summer..
yesterday at teh college, we were feeding miscellaneous animals and I spotted a rat.. well.. I thought it was a mouse and I keep calling it a bunny (everything to me is either a bunny or a kitty) and Angie managed to corner her and catch her... Angie has a talent for animals that I envy so much..
But we took it to the science building thinking it had escaped... but they said it wasn't theirs so they gave us a carrying cage and we took our astronomy final and took her home..
the plan was for Angie to keep her until I cleaned my room.. somehow I coaxed my mom into letting me keep her^^, but my room, as Angie and Ru saw, was an uber mess.. so Andrew gave me until sunday to do it.. I got it all done yesterday.. so they brought her last night^^ she is adorable, and for now she is Hitomi until we find a better name for her..
She likes lucky charms and crackers.. not a big fan of carrots though.. heh maybe I'll give her some raw corn^^;;
meep.. so I have a pet again! I know it seems stupid and small.. but sometimes I need to talk to animals.. because I'm tlaking to something real and I have another life to watch over.. life is so important to me and I don't know why,...
speaking of which.. I buried two cats the other day.. one had been dead and eaten at by bugs for over a month the poor dear and the other was fresh, my sister and I saw it while driving.. so my sister took me out to teh two separate sites, and I wrapped the cats in cloths and placed them in boxes and buried them in a field... I've never dug a hole, but I didn't want to stop until I was finished and then we put a stick where they lay as a marker..
It was wrong to leave them out there without a burial, and I wanted to cry, but teh prozac prohibited me.. so I cried inside.. now their souls may be at rest, as will their bodies.
meep... so much going on.. I should go though.. oh.. and with the gym and all... well.. I gianed 3 punds -_- but I lost 5 1/2 inches.. so I suppose that is a good thing.. but oh well.. I was able to get Rua nd Angie to join, so the girls have a reason to hang out^^!
anyways... foolish pathetic me.. letting secrets spill out.. I only hope that I may be forgiven for my sins >.<
~Amandine
I have been so busy lately.. so much going on, but finals are done, my calsses are over, my room is clean and I am still without a job, but I am trying.. the prozac is helping.. I think..
I no longer toss and turn until 3 in the morning, instead I feel tired by nine, which is good and bad at teh same time.. I am always sleepy.. but I am able to wake up early and feel well.. and I do not wish to cry anymore, nor cut.. which is a sad feeling actually.. it leaves me hurting inside, with no way to vent..
The other day Boy, Jesse, whatever.. my little brother.. the one whom I want to grow up and be something.. I want to get close to him and be his crutch when he needs someone.. something I didn't have at his age.. well.. he shoplifted yesterday.. it was yugioh cards... he has money, mother makes sure of that.. and he didn't need them... my mom sent my sister and I to retrieve him and find out teh punishment.. I did not want to go..
I was caught doing that when I was around his age.. he's only 12... and my mother was not so harsh on me.. she knew I did it because of a friend, and she'd always seen that I followed instead of lead.. but Boy never did.. She took away his cards, his toys, he's learning to draw now that he lacks other entertainment..
But what can I say to him? I told him what I wanted to be told at that age... peter is always mad, don't worry about him, Boda will get over it and mom is never dissapointed in you... when I was caught, I ran straight to my room and hid in my closet and cried.. I felt horrible.. not because I had been caught.. but becuase I felt I had dissapinted my mom.. and I still feel that way.. like all I am to her is one giant dissapointment.. and whether that is true or not, I don't think I'll ever know.. I wish I could make it up to her...
But Boy.. he felt no remorse.. he was mad that he was caught.. but he thinks it's a game.. he doesn't feel sorry for what he did.. I look so far down on it now, and it's because I was stupid enough to do it too.. but if he doesn't learn.. oy vey... I want to be a good sister.. tell him I'm there for him,.. but he doesn't want, nor need me.. I feel like I've failed.. like it's my fault he did it, that I'm the bad influence on him.. he was onl;y around 5 or 6 when I did it.. but he can remember.. and he knew what I went through.. what mommy went through..
she's tired.. she doesn't want to do this anymore.. she cried.. it takes a lot to get her to cry.. and it seems like it's usually me who does something to make her weep so very much.. this is Boy's first time.. and she cried.. I don't want him to be a dissapointment to mommy the way I am..
meepage...
um.. *sigh* what can I do? honestly..?
well.. with finals over and a new addition to my home.. I have much fun to look forward to this summer..
yesterday at teh college, we were feeding miscellaneous animals and I spotted a rat.. well.. I thought it was a mouse and I keep calling it a bunny (everything to me is either a bunny or a kitty) and Angie managed to corner her and catch her... Angie has a talent for animals that I envy so much..
But we took it to the science building thinking it had escaped... but they said it wasn't theirs so they gave us a carrying cage and we took our astronomy final and took her home..
the plan was for Angie to keep her until I cleaned my room.. somehow I coaxed my mom into letting me keep her^^, but my room, as Angie and Ru saw, was an uber mess.. so Andrew gave me until sunday to do it.. I got it all done yesterday.. so they brought her last night^^ she is adorable, and for now she is Hitomi until we find a better name for her..
She likes lucky charms and crackers.. not a big fan of carrots though.. heh maybe I'll give her some raw corn^^;;
meep.. so I have a pet again! I know it seems stupid and small.. but sometimes I need to talk to animals.. because I'm tlaking to something real and I have another life to watch over.. life is so important to me and I don't know why,...
speaking of which.. I buried two cats the other day.. one had been dead and eaten at by bugs for over a month the poor dear and the other was fresh, my sister and I saw it while driving.. so my sister took me out to teh two separate sites, and I wrapped the cats in cloths and placed them in boxes and buried them in a field... I've never dug a hole, but I didn't want to stop until I was finished and then we put a stick where they lay as a marker..
It was wrong to leave them out there without a burial, and I wanted to cry, but teh prozac prohibited me.. so I cried inside.. now their souls may be at rest, as will their bodies.
meep... so much going on.. I should go though.. oh.. and with the gym and all... well.. I gianed 3 punds -_- but I lost 5 1/2 inches.. so I suppose that is a good thing.. but oh well.. I was able to get Rua nd Angie to join, so the girls have a reason to hang out^^!
anyways... foolish pathetic me.. letting secrets spill out.. I only hope that I may be forgiven for my sins >.<
~Amandine