[ dn ] of course i'm in love with you, darling
of course i'm in love with you, darling
misa amane, l/misa
au. she'll keep on pretending she's not breaking until the end.
Light is always angry with her. Misa flushes, retreats and retracts her words with a practiced effort and she apologises because Light
(Kira)
is disappointed with her, so she has to fix it - fix herself. She cannot fall below Light's expectations; as his girlfriend, that is not allowed. Perfection must be reached. She never talks back, never disrespects him, always does what he says -
(it's always a one-sided fight; always her being submissive like a good future wife should be)
- and there are cracks decorating her mask, one for every person she's killed, one for every fault that she has and one for every mistake she's made in Light's eyes.
(but then he'll smile and suddenly nothing matters anymore but him because he is her saviour and he loves her, he loves her, even if he's never said it because she knows it has to be true. it has to.)
So when Light shows up with a stiff posture and a ring in his hands, she cannot refuse.
(she would have said yes, anyways)
.
Misa has never liked L that much.
His eyes are too dark, too perceptive, too observant, and he
(never looks at her; it's always, always, past her but when he does he -)
sees right through her all the time. She's always in hindsight - not important enough to notice, not important enough to factor in the big picture. She's good at pretending, though - good at hiding and burying her faults behind transparent eyes, hidden in the pages of an open book to be kept secret.
But L has always listened to her. He's always sat in that unnerving way of his, peering up at her from under his unkempt hair, licking the chocolate cake icing from his fork. He's never interrupted her
(like Light does; Light doesn't hear her, doesn't love her.
of course he does, Misa corrects quickly. of course he loves her.)
and she has to remind himself that L is the enemy, and Kira is her saviour. But it's hard, when she catches the way he looks at her, sometimes, the way she's seen other men do, eyes trailing a little too low -
and Light's don't see at her that way, has never really looked at her. Light's gaze is cold, distant; he never touches her, but L - L looks at her with dark, appraising eyes, compliments her as if it is a fact and makes her eat cake.
("Misa-Misa doesn't eat cake. Misa is a model you know, so Misa has to stay slim."
L frowns, tilting his head. Then he says something to Watari and he comes back with a thin slice of cake. "Low-fat," L says and pushes the plate towards her. "Although it is not as good as the one I am eating."
"Low-fat cake? That exists?" But the cake looks good and Misa is hungry, so she eats it anyways.)
"Are you coming to Misa's wedding?" Misa asks, gauging his reaction. L pauses, fork hovering over his dessert, and she thinks that he looks a little -
"No," he replies curtly, voice tight, controlled. "I'm busy."
"B-but, you have to come!" Misa pouts. "Misa will let you choose the cake!"
"Misa-san," he sighs, but she's persistent and he relents. She beams at him and leans forward to kiss him on the cheek when Light enters the room and she remembers that - that she doesn't think she can do that anymore. So she moves back and settles for another smile but soon, soon she is flitting to Light, and she has
(not)
forgotten L.
.
It's the wedding day and Misa convinces herself that she's ready for this.
Her dress is simple and white, there are few guests in the chapel, and it is
(what Light wanted, not her, because she wanted an extravagant wedding at the beach with a large ballroom and it is not)
what Misa has been waiting for all her life. Her cheeks are flushed, shinigami eyes wide and excited, and the wedding is about to start. Her smile fades a little at her dress, but she forced the smile to grow wider and wider because it's her big day and she should be happy.
She takes a step before God as she stands by the door, waiting for her cue. She prays before she goes; prays for forgiveness and for happiness and for justice
(for she has sinned too many times to count, too many times to be saved, but there are certain people who she wants to live. she thinks of L, and even though he is the enemy, she knows she doesn't want him to die. she doesn't.
she cannot have both L and Kira, but she pretends that she can anyways.)
The door opens and Light
(isn't looking at her)
is standing by the altar, donned in a black suit, and her chest feels like it should be swelling
('lookatmelookatmeLOOKATME')
but it isn't, it isn't. Instead, Misa looks at the guests and sees L gazing right at her, back hunched, still in jeans and a baggy shirt. She has to smile a little at that.
(but the wrong man is staring at her)
The pianist begins to play and Misa starts walking down the aisle.
(her feet feel cold)
misa amane, l/misa
au. she'll keep on pretending she's not breaking until the end.
Light is always angry with her. Misa flushes, retreats and retracts her words with a practiced effort and she apologises because Light
(Kira)
is disappointed with her, so she has to fix it - fix herself. She cannot fall below Light's expectations; as his girlfriend, that is not allowed. Perfection must be reached. She never talks back, never disrespects him, always does what he says -
(it's always a one-sided fight; always her being submissive like a good future wife should be)
- and there are cracks decorating her mask, one for every person she's killed, one for every fault that she has and one for every mistake she's made in Light's eyes.
(but then he'll smile and suddenly nothing matters anymore but him because he is her saviour and he loves her, he loves her, even if he's never said it because she knows it has to be true. it has to.)
So when Light shows up with a stiff posture and a ring in his hands, she cannot refuse.
(she would have said yes, anyways)
.
Misa has never liked L that much.
His eyes are too dark, too perceptive, too observant, and he
(never looks at her; it's always, always, past her but when he does he -)
sees right through her all the time. She's always in hindsight - not important enough to notice, not important enough to factor in the big picture. She's good at pretending, though - good at hiding and burying her faults behind transparent eyes, hidden in the pages of an open book to be kept secret.
But L has always listened to her. He's always sat in that unnerving way of his, peering up at her from under his unkempt hair, licking the chocolate cake icing from his fork. He's never interrupted her
(like Light does; Light doesn't hear her, doesn't love her.
of course he does, Misa corrects quickly. of course he loves her.)
and she has to remind himself that L is the enemy, and Kira is her saviour. But it's hard, when she catches the way he looks at her, sometimes, the way she's seen other men do, eyes trailing a little too low -
and Light's don't see at her that way, has never really looked at her. Light's gaze is cold, distant; he never touches her, but L - L looks at her with dark, appraising eyes, compliments her as if it is a fact and makes her eat cake.
("Misa-Misa doesn't eat cake. Misa is a model you know, so Misa has to stay slim."
L frowns, tilting his head. Then he says something to Watari and he comes back with a thin slice of cake. "Low-fat," L says and pushes the plate towards her. "Although it is not as good as the one I am eating."
"Low-fat cake? That exists?" But the cake looks good and Misa is hungry, so she eats it anyways.)
"Are you coming to Misa's wedding?" Misa asks, gauging his reaction. L pauses, fork hovering over his dessert, and she thinks that he looks a little -
"No," he replies curtly, voice tight, controlled. "I'm busy."
"B-but, you have to come!" Misa pouts. "Misa will let you choose the cake!"
"Misa-san," he sighs, but she's persistent and he relents. She beams at him and leans forward to kiss him on the cheek when Light enters the room and she remembers that - that she doesn't think she can do that anymore. So she moves back and settles for another smile but soon, soon she is flitting to Light, and she has
(not)
forgotten L.
.
It's the wedding day and Misa convinces herself that she's ready for this.
Her dress is simple and white, there are few guests in the chapel, and it is
(what Light wanted, not her, because she wanted an extravagant wedding at the beach with a large ballroom and it is not)
what Misa has been waiting for all her life. Her cheeks are flushed, shinigami eyes wide and excited, and the wedding is about to start. Her smile fades a little at her dress, but she forced the smile to grow wider and wider because it's her big day and she should be happy.
She takes a step before God as she stands by the door, waiting for her cue. She prays before she goes; prays for forgiveness and for happiness and for justice
(for she has sinned too many times to count, too many times to be saved, but there are certain people who she wants to live. she thinks of L, and even though he is the enemy, she knows she doesn't want him to die. she doesn't.
she cannot have both L and Kira, but she pretends that she can anyways.)
The door opens and Light
(isn't looking at her)
is standing by the altar, donned in a black suit, and her chest feels like it should be swelling
('lookatmelookatmeLOOKATME')
but it isn't, it isn't. Instead, Misa looks at the guests and sees L gazing right at her, back hunched, still in jeans and a baggy shirt. She has to smile a little at that.
(but the wrong man is staring at her)
The pianist begins to play and Misa starts walking down the aisle.
(her feet feel cold)