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[starmkrmachine]

figured i'd update. been a while. and i need to go back to the community. i just feel like i've had no time or energy in addition to the fact that i don't yet have an ethernet card so i'm using the library computers, which doesn't quite give me the time or seclusion to sit and read and update for a while. and i need a good hour or two to go through

Comments

[ladyoracle]

"its not going amazingly well. but i'm not thin so it doesn't matter. what a downer, eh?"

What do you mean by this?

Just concerned.

[starmkrmachine]

Hey, thanks for your concern. Its okay though. I just feel like as bad as this gets, a part of me deep inside believes that it really doesn't matter because i'm not thin. on top of that, i feel/am fat. i really wish i had what it took to seriously make the effort to get better, but for some reason i feel like it has to be bad enough for others to notice so that others can be the ones who convince me to get better. if that happened, (ie if i lost weight, or perhaps if someone knew i was purging), I would then totally feel worthy of help. I feel like as long as I'm the only one who seems to be concerned in my world here, it just doesn't count. like, getting better now would just cancel out the fact that it ever was. might as well have imagined it. i need validation, i need proof that its bad and wrong. external proof. i need someone here to say to me, jenn, you have to stop this. but they can't if the purging remains a secret and/or they don't know i'm actually still doing it as much as i am and/or I'm not losing any weight. its a