Comments | starri515: Finding a pencil? Pizza with sausage? Telling the time?

starri515

Finding a pencil? Pizza with sausage? Telling the time?

May 28, 2006 12:39

I meant it when I said my dream was to be happy. My greatest desire is just that, to be enough at peace with myself and the world to be content. It isn't measureable, so I can't fail. It's never 'achieved', so I can always keep trying. It reminds me not to forget the present in search of the future or forget the past in search of a lie ( Read more... )

Comments 11

abrodz May 28 2006, 17:55:42 UTC

I want more than anything to be okay. Not even happy, just okay. Like you wake up, and thats okay. You breathe, and thats okay. You just sit there, and you realize that its all okay. Like last year when I was walking on my way to eating sundae party at big dipper and I had borrowed anna's ipod so I was listening to some music during the walk. And then she's so high came on and I felt like frolicking and dancing and running so I frolicked and danced and ran through the too long grass of Perry Park. And I ended up on the swings and it was all perfectly synchronized with the song. And I was okay for that one second in time. Then I threw up in the bushes when I realized that it was all downhill from there.

starri515 May 29 2006, 00:45:12 UTC

I want you to be okay. I want to hold you and rock you to sleep and somehow make it okay. I want you to swing in synchronization every day of your life and never throw up in the bushes again. I want to be here for you and I want you to believe I am here for you and I want to know how to be here for you.

annapanda May 28 2006, 23:02:38 UTC

How do you define happiness? What is it more than just being happy? And even a definition for that, everything I can think of is just running through a chain of synonyms. So happiness to me, I guess, is just happiness. If that makes sense. And even if it doesn't. Sorry, I feel like I'm ruining the deepness of this all, but I'm bad at being deep. When I look around at everyone, I feel very why me. I wish I could divide up my happiness and share it. Why can't I just push some out of my body through my skin into yours when we hug. I would say I want everyone to be happy, but even for my wanting more than everything that seems like too much to want for. Too many people. So I will focus it down to the people I love being happy. I've abandoned my belief that large wishes can't be wished on eyelashes, because beyond wanting, which I do so much that it's an ache, I don't have any other way to do anything that would even give the illusion of helping. I have the tiniest smidgen of a belief in eyelash wishes, so I use that, but I still don't ( ... )

starri515 May 29 2006, 00:51:16 UTC

I used to wish when I hugged people that somehow everything I was thinking could somehow pass from me to them and they would understand me without ever having to explain it in words, because I never could. It didn't ever work with anyone other than my stuffed animals, but sometimes I still wish it did.

I want all your wishes to come true simply because you wish them.

annapanda May 29 2006, 01:23:07 UTC

yeah. too bad about life not working like that.

awishgoneawry May 29 2006, 00:50:04 UTC

I want to know what I want. In this moment, I know that what I want more than anything is to have made Rebels. Because it would mean that I'm finally good enough, I'm finally worth something and someone finally wants me. A vindication. And I know I didn't, and no one wants to tell me, and yet still here I am, foolishly hoping, and isn't that the story of my life? I don't even want to be happy, I Just want to be secure, I just want to believe in myself, but I don't even know how.

starri515 May 29 2006, 01:01:37 UTC

I've realized recently that the truth is I would gladly give up freedom for security in my own life. As far as politics go, I'm the reverse; I'm an ACLU-er to the core. But really, I'd be fine in a communist country. I'd give up opportunity and decisions and potential rewards for certainty in a second. I guess thinking that you'd give up happiness for security made me think of that.

I want you to see yourself through someone else's eyes for a day. Take mine. Look at yourself and see how amazing you are. See how I tell people about the funny conversations we have and how they laugh and say 'that Jess! I love her! She's great!' See how you're beautiful. See how I love talking to you and I love realizing our similarities. I know people tell you you're smart and you're eloquent and you tend to brush it off as untrue or unimportant. It is either untrue nor unimportant; you are brilliant and articulate, both traits most people wish they had. But you are more. You are lovably Jess.

&hearts; awishgoneawry May 29 2006, 01:59:43 UTC

Thanks. That helps.

What I meant by secure, actually, was secure in myself. I mean, of course being certain of everything, being certain that there will be a tomorrow would be wonderful, but then-I'd give all that up in a second if it meant that I was secure in myself.

I just thought of something else. awishgoneawry May 29 2006, 04:32:35 UTC

I was thinking about last night and how content I felt then, sitting around a fire under the stars, by a pool with a dead mole floating in it. I felt safe, with those people, and I didn't want to leave, I just wanted to stay there forever. And in that moment, I thought I was happy ( ... )

Thread 5

(The comment has been removed)

starri515 May 29 2006, 13:47:23 UTC

It's like the whole loss of innoecence thing: nothing in this world is pure. The hardest thing, for me at least, is to see it in the people close to me. To see that people I trust and care about can lack so much integrity. To see that I can lack so much integrity. Everyone has the potential to disappoint you. But then again, everyone can surprise you, too.