find the end
title: find the end
pairing: sungjong-centric
description: maybe it's time to let it all go...
note: I wanted to write about Sungjong, I don't know why... I'm not sure this all makes sense lol
Sungjong used to be the hyung, but now he is the maknae. He is energetic, cheerful, and young, and everyone expects him to stay that way.
But he can’t.
He’d cried in the beginning because he was only fifteen and it had been his first time away from home. The others had pitied him but made little attempt to comfort him. Sometimes he was glad they didn’t and other times he wished there was someone who really cared about him.
When he was put in Infinite, Sungjong cried less even though he really had more reason to cry. He couldn’t let the tears go because he didn’t want to seem weak (they already thought he was weak anyway).
Howon was the best to him, followed by Myungsoo. When Woohyun or Sungyeol went too far with their pranks, Howon was always there to comfort him. “They’re really stupid, you know,” he would always say. And maybe they were, but that didn’t make what they did hurt any less. What he hated the most was that they really didn’t seem to care that much. Their apologies were made with eyes full of mischief and little sincerity.
Myungsoo was quiet, and honestly that helped. If he just wanted to rant it out, Myungsoo was okay with sitting there and listening for hours on end. At the end he’d offer a few words of advice, and despite the conciseness of his words, they were effective.
Honestly, Sungyeol was the worst, and Sungjong was lucky enough to have to share a room with him. The older boy never knew when to stop. At least Woohyun somewhat knew his limits. But Sungyeol, trolling was his hobby, what he was best at.
Sometimes Sungjong thought that Sungyeol did it because there wasn’t much else he could do. Even a year after debut, he had one pathetic line, “Do you hear me? Do you hear me?” Sungyeol had said that he didn’t want lines because he wanted to improve first, but Sungjong knew that deep down it hurt that they didn’t even try to let him be more confident in his singing.
Sungjong had more lines now, yes, but he didn’t feel any happier. It was just more pressure to be better than he could be. Sunggyu and Woohyun sang with little effort, Myungsoo a bit more, and maybe Sungjong was the most confident after them. Hoya and Dongwoo danced with so much energy, and Woohyun executed the choreography fairly point on too. Sungjong found his place after them, fourth again.
He knew he should be able to get over it, but there were so many days that he wished he could be first in something that mattered.
Not to mention what he faced as the maknae. Just because he was the youngest, they thought they could push him around (especially Sunggyu, Woohyun, and Sungyeol). When you’re the maknae, you don’t have feelings, not any that matter that much anyway. What are opinions? You don’t have any. When you hurt inside, maybe someone will care but in the end you face the pain alone.
Now, as he stares out at the Han River, Sungjong wonders how much this is really worth. Is it worth his blood, sweat, and held-back tears to just sit at the bottom forever? To cry out within but never on the outside because he could never show pain or sadness? To hate himself more and more every time he screwed up a note or messed up the choreography?
Now, every smile was fake, all aegyo overdone and unnatural, all energy pulled from some miraculous store somewhere (because he was never anything but exhausted anymore, tired of this, tired of life, tired of everything).
So maybe it wasn’t worth it. Maybe nothing mattered. Maybe he could end this now.
He didn’t want to watch himself die inside anymore.
pairing: sungjong-centric
description: maybe it's time to let it all go...
note: I wanted to write about Sungjong, I don't know why... I'm not sure this all makes sense lol
Sungjong used to be the hyung, but now he is the maknae. He is energetic, cheerful, and young, and everyone expects him to stay that way.
But he can’t.
He’d cried in the beginning because he was only fifteen and it had been his first time away from home. The others had pitied him but made little attempt to comfort him. Sometimes he was glad they didn’t and other times he wished there was someone who really cared about him.
When he was put in Infinite, Sungjong cried less even though he really had more reason to cry. He couldn’t let the tears go because he didn’t want to seem weak (they already thought he was weak anyway).
Howon was the best to him, followed by Myungsoo. When Woohyun or Sungyeol went too far with their pranks, Howon was always there to comfort him. “They’re really stupid, you know,” he would always say. And maybe they were, but that didn’t make what they did hurt any less. What he hated the most was that they really didn’t seem to care that much. Their apologies were made with eyes full of mischief and little sincerity.
Myungsoo was quiet, and honestly that helped. If he just wanted to rant it out, Myungsoo was okay with sitting there and listening for hours on end. At the end he’d offer a few words of advice, and despite the conciseness of his words, they were effective.
Honestly, Sungyeol was the worst, and Sungjong was lucky enough to have to share a room with him. The older boy never knew when to stop. At least Woohyun somewhat knew his limits. But Sungyeol, trolling was his hobby, what he was best at.
Sometimes Sungjong thought that Sungyeol did it because there wasn’t much else he could do. Even a year after debut, he had one pathetic line, “Do you hear me? Do you hear me?” Sungyeol had said that he didn’t want lines because he wanted to improve first, but Sungjong knew that deep down it hurt that they didn’t even try to let him be more confident in his singing.
Sungjong had more lines now, yes, but he didn’t feel any happier. It was just more pressure to be better than he could be. Sunggyu and Woohyun sang with little effort, Myungsoo a bit more, and maybe Sungjong was the most confident after them. Hoya and Dongwoo danced with so much energy, and Woohyun executed the choreography fairly point on too. Sungjong found his place after them, fourth again.
He knew he should be able to get over it, but there were so many days that he wished he could be first in something that mattered.
Not to mention what he faced as the maknae. Just because he was the youngest, they thought they could push him around (especially Sunggyu, Woohyun, and Sungyeol). When you’re the maknae, you don’t have feelings, not any that matter that much anyway. What are opinions? You don’t have any. When you hurt inside, maybe someone will care but in the end you face the pain alone.
Now, as he stares out at the Han River, Sungjong wonders how much this is really worth. Is it worth his blood, sweat, and held-back tears to just sit at the bottom forever? To cry out within but never on the outside because he could never show pain or sadness? To hate himself more and more every time he screwed up a note or messed up the choreography?
Now, every smile was fake, all aegyo overdone and unnatural, all energy pulled from some miraculous store somewhere (because he was never anything but exhausted anymore, tired of this, tired of life, tired of everything).
So maybe it wasn’t worth it. Maybe nothing mattered. Maybe he could end this now.
He didn’t want to watch himself die inside anymore.