mess
title: mess
pairing: myungsoo-centric, some myungsoo/woohyun
description: Myungsoo wonders when it all became such a mess.
Myungsoo is surprised when a man stops him on the road and says, “Hey, I’m from Woollim Entertainment; you should come audition,” and hands him a business card. He stands there staring at the card for a moment before sliding it into his pocket and continuing on his way.
The card slips out of his mind as he studies for exams and continues his part-time modeling job at the mall. It lays abandoned on a corner of his desk, piled under countless reports and other junk that had gathered over time. After a heated argument with his parents about what he was going to do after high school, Myungsoo storms into his room, picks up some papers and hurls them on the floor. They don’t give a satisfying thump that a textbook would, but rather clutter up the air in his room as they slowly float down to the ground. If one were to see it at that moment, it would look like a hurricane of paper attacked his room.
When he glances at his desk again to see what else he can throw, he spots the card, now revealed from its hiding spot. He picks it up, and after glancing at the company name, he remembers the man on the streets that one day who had told him to audition. Why the fuck not, Myungsoo thinks. He doesn’t want to be a doctor, like his parents want him to be, and his dream of being a photographer is potent but not much of a money-maker. Being an entertainer hasn’t crossed his mind much, but Myungsoo figures he is good-looking enough to get somewhere.
So on a whim Myungsoo decides to audition for Woollim Entertainment, a small company with little to boast other than the success of Epik High. He looks around the room at his competitors and wonders what they do, what they want to do, if they want to be singers, dancers, models. He honestly does not know what he wants; he came here because he could. Maybe the others have been planning out their future as an idol for months. If they don’t make it today, that will have been a waste, won’t it? With that thought Myungsoo feels a bit luckier than the others because if he doesn’t make it, he can still go home and take another path without worries.
He watches person after person be called into the audition room and watches as each comes out looking disappointed. He is not sure if they tell you that you made it there and then or if they will call or send you a letter later. Myungsoo thinks about asking the boy next to him, but he is somewhat intimidated because the other boy is intensely glaring at the wall across the room.
Myungsoo is one of the last to be called and leaves the boy who is still glaring at the wall and another boy who is staring at the ground, looking lost, to walk into the audition room. There is a single man in there, which surprises him since he expected at least three judges. So his fate will all be determined by this one man. He walks up to the judge’s table and shakes his hand. The man smiles warmly, and Myungsoo feels a little more comfortable.
“Sit down, please. You are Kim Myungsoo-ssi?” the man says, gesturing to the chair in front of him.
“Yes, sir.” Myungsoo takes a seat and folds his hand nervously in his lap.
“Why are you audition for Woollim?”
“About a month ago, a man gave me his business card on the street and told me I should audition…so I decided to give it a shot,” Myungsoo replies hesitantly.
The judge looks thoughtful and writes something down on his paper. Myungsoo looks at the paper nervously, wondering what is being written.
“What are you going to sing or dance today?” the judge asks.
“I will be singing Dongbangshinki-sunbaenim’s Darkness Eyes,” Myungsoo states confidently.
“Whenever you’re ready,” the man says, putting down his pen and leaning back in his chair.
Myungsoo begins to sing, and he watches as the man’s face gradually changes from blank to a slight smile. He knows his voice isn’t the best, but it is reasonable. If he makes it, one of the first objectives will probably be to improve.
The man stops him right after the second chorus. Myungsoo shakes his hand and thanks the man, and he does likewise, saying, “If you make it, you will receive a call in two weeks to come back.”
Myungsoo exits the building and lets out a sigh of relief that the audition is over. He walks to the Smoothie King a few blocks away for a bit of refreshment. One of the boys in there had been at the audition, and Myungsoo listens as he brags to his friends about how he probably got in, how the judge was so impressed, how none of the other people auditioning could compare to him. He has no idea how talented the boy is, but either way Myungsoo rolls his eyes at the boy’s arrogance. There is more to it than that, he thinks.
Myungsoo has always been good at reading people’s emotions through their eyes, so when he walks out, he glances at the boasting boy. He is not surprised to see anxiety rather than the confidence he had been expressing. There was no one that walked out of the audition feeling on top of the world like that.
Two weeks later, Myungsoo receives a call from Woollim Entertainment telling that he has made it to the next round, which will take place in a week. He is not sure whether or not he is surprised, but he feels pride build in his chest that he accomplished something. He feels for one of the few times in his life that he is not useless.
Myungsoo begins preparing again, this time planning to dance as well. He picks SS501’s Déjà Vu and watches performances and their music video too many times to count in order to portray the emotions of the song in the movements of his body.
The day of round two comes, and Myungsoo approaches the Woollim building for the second time in a month. When he walks into the room, he sees the boy from Smoothie King along with the last two boys who had auditioned after him. There are around twenty other boys aside from him and the three he had recognized. They all look nervous, but there is a certain competitive glint in their eyes. Myungsoo wonders, like last time, who will make it.
The same man from the first round is in the room, but this time there is another man, who is older and exudes a powerful presence. Myungsoo shakes both men’s hands. The former smiles like he did last time while the latter’s expression is blank, though his eyes are intense and pierce Myungsoo’s when they make eye contact.
When Myungsoo is done with his audition, both judges look interested. The older man directs him into a room down the hall to wait. In the room, Myungsoo sits and stares at the clock, and most of the other boys do the same. Every few minutes another boy walks into the room, takes a seat, and starts staring at something, his hands, the clock, a wall.
The last boy walks into the room, and a woman comes in to tell them that the judges are making decisions and will be with them as soon as possible.
Myungsoo resumes staring at the clock and watches as five minutes pass, then ten minutes pass, until finally, after thirteen minutes and forty-one seconds have passed, the door creaks open as the woman opens it to let the judges through.
“We will be calling the numbers of those who made it. Those who did not, please do not try to argue and leave as soon as we finish calling numbers,” the older man says.
The judge begins announcing numbers, and Myungsoo sits stiffly, waiting for his number to hopefully be called. The boy who had bragged made it, as did the boy who had been staring at the floor in the first round.
Myungsoo’s head shoots up when he hears his number. So I made it, he thinks, I’m going to be a trainee.
The last person to be called is the boy who had stared intensely at the wall in the first round. Myungsoo sees relief in the boy’s eyes.
The judge closes his folder. “Thank you all for auditioning.”
The people who did not get picked either glare at those who did or give long, wistful looks as they walks out the door. Myungsoo stares blankly at the floor as people leave the room, wondering what was crossing everyone’s minds right now, including those who did not make it.
“My name is Lee Jungyeop,” the older man introduces himself. “I am the CEO of Woollim Entertainment.”
A few boys gasp, but Myungsoo simply stares.
“You’re moving in tomorrow. Be ready,” the CEO says before leaving the room. The smiley man leaves as well after giving them all a little pat on the back.
* * *
Myungsoo is put into a group with nine other boys. He learns that the boy who stared at the wall is named Lee Howon, and he is an amazing dancer.
After a week, two boys drop out. They are down to seven. Before long, there are five people left.
Trainees from other groups are transferred in to make a group of eight. They are together for around two months before two are moved to another group. Myungsoo’s group now consists of Howon, who he has been with the whole time, the arrogant boy, whose name he learns is Woohyun, a cheerful boy named Dongwoo who is always full of smiles, a small-eyed boy named Sunggyu, and another quiet boy named Jaemin.
Jaemin is moved to another group after a month, and two more boys named Sungjong and Sungyeol are added to the group. Sungjong is younger than him and prettier than many girls that Myungsoo has met, and Sungyeol is a mischievous boy who always has pranks up his sleeve.
Tablo calls them to meet with the CEO. They are going to debut with the name Infinite, meaning they have endless talents and potential. Myungsoo is doubtful of the name and wonders what kind of consequences such a title will bring.
It is decided that Myungsoo will be called L, and he will have the image of a handsome, cold city man. He accepts the role with no questions asked though in his mind, all he can think of is how different that is from his actual personality.
Howon is going to be Hoya, a more interesting and strong name. Unlike Myungsoo, Howon is satisfied with his stage name, and it becomes normal to call him Hoya.
Their debut is a little rocky. Woohyun’s pants rip, and they know they weren’t breathing right, making their vocals sound shaky. However, when they get online they see that everyone is impressed with their synchronization. Myungsoo is proud because if there was anything to be proud of, that was it.
Myungsoo slips into the character of L, giving silent stares and a charismatic aura on stage. He speaks little and spaces out while Sunggyu rambles and Woohyun interrupts him during interviews. The others also carry their characters well, though it is not so difficult because their images do not stray too far from reality.
They enter their follow up promotional period for She’s Back. There is more attention on Infinite now because people notice that their synchronization is not just Come Back Again, it is a trend that Infinite plans to live up to. Myungsoo shares a line with Sungjong but watches Sungyeol smile through the song even though he has none.
When they wrap up She’s Back promotions, Myungsoo thinks they might have a break. He laughs at the possibility when they are neck-deep in practice when they’re not recording a show. He learns that there is no end, there is no break; there are only promotions, shows, practice. The cycle repeats.
Infinite shoots BTD on the coldest day of the year. Woohyun is injured, and it hurts Myungsoo to watch the older boy keep filming despite the pain. In the few moments of break, Myungsoo wraps his arms around Woohyun’s waist and whispers comforting words in his ears. Woohyun buries his face in Myungsoo’s warm shoulder, mumbling thank-you’s and I-love-you.
Myungsoo becomes even more popular when the music video is released. Everyone is talking about how hot he looks at a certain moment in the MV, and he can only laugh and shrug it off when the other members tease him about it.
They have a successful comeback, and their popularity grows. Woohyun promotes on the injured hip, which delays the healing process. Myungsoo sees Woohyun wince as they practice and wishes he could confine the boy to bed so he can rest and get better.
Nothing’s Over is released two weeks after BTD promotions are concluded. Infinite’s popularity hits its highest point so far because the concept is cute, and cute tends to succeed. Myungsoo is tired but proud of himself because his vocals have improved. He has been given more lines, and while he will not complain about that, Sungjong and Sungyeol have nothing but the chorus. He goes home disappointed on the two days his voice cracks because he thought he had scaled that mountain. Sunggyu comforts him that everyone makes mistakes; even he and Woohyun don’t sing everything perfectly all the time.
Myungsoo laughs as Woohyun gives a ridiculous amount of fanservice, throwing hearts everywhere and being all over Sunggyu because the fans love the main vocalists together. He knows Woohyun had to practice in the mirror to get it right and not make himself look like an idiot (though personally Myungsoo thinks he still is one).
Can U Smile gives Myungsoo the chance to play his guitar, and he feels proud for Dongwoo and Hoya who sing well despite mainly being labeled as the rappers. He also loves how everyone has a reasonably sufficient line in the song.
He sees surprise and some outrage flood the message boards when Infinite’s comeback for Be Mine is announced. No one expects them back so quickly; it has only been two months. Most would not come back for at least another six months. Myungsoo is beyond tired, and he sees the same fatigue in the other members’ eyes. Woohyun works out to be able to show off a toned body in either the outfit that shows off his chest or the other that would usually involve an abflash. Myungsoo himself also has to lift a couple weights.
By Paradise, Myungsoo is exhausted and he is getting sick of everything. He chose this path spontaneously two and a half years ago never imagining what it would be like. He asks himself why he ever wanted to throw himself into the harsh world of entertainment, but his mind yields no answer. He knows the others do not regret it the way he does, but it hurts more to see them tired and try to be happy.
Woohyun has lost so much weight that Myungsoo wants to cry for him when he feels the older boy’s ribs jut into him when he hugs him. His body is thin, almost frail, but Woohyun’s warm, chocolate brown eyes plead him not to say anything when he wants to tell Woohyun that it’s too much, this needs to end, he’s not healthy (but none of them have been healthy since they debuted).
It’s one day in practice when Woohyun collapses and everyone cries as they rush to the hospital when Myungsoo says to himself, “Fuck, when did this all get so messed up?” This is supposed to true happiness, not fake smiles and laughs through pain. They shouldn’t be screwing up their health for this; it’s not worth that much.
“All I need is Inspirits. The fans give us energy,” they always say. But it’s not true. The fans are a motivating factor, but for life they need rest. In this industry, rest is rare and precious, and these days they are getting basically none.
Myungsoo hates that Woohyun lost this sick game first. It should have been him, Sungjong, anyone else, but not Woohyun. Woohyun is strong, the one who could always stand up again when everyone is sprawled across the floor of their practice room. Even though he is injured or sick, he always pulls through with a bright smile gracing his features. Myungsoo hates this because he wishes he didn’t have to worry about Woohyun (sometimes he wishes he didn’t love him), but now, all that will be on his mind is Woohyun. Their dance teacher and vocals instructor will yell at him for being distracted, and he’ll mumble, “Sorry,” without meaning it because he couldn’t feel sorry for worrying.
Woohyun gets out of the hospital a few days later, and a tired smile is set on his face when he walks into the dorm. Myungsoo sees the older boy and immediately stands up, walks over, and intertwines his fingers with Woohyun’s, pulling him close so that his chin rests on his shoulder.
Myungsoo whispers in Woohyun’s ear how much he missed him, how scared he was, how worried he was, how worried he still is, how much he hates him, how much he loves him. Again Woohyun is muttering I’m-sorry’s and I-love-you’s because he knows Myungsoo has worried and been despaired over the past few days.
The mood in the dorms gets better because Woohyun is back and it never feels quite right if Woohyun isn’t around. Soon enough, Woohyun is being the hyper idiot that he usually is, and Myungsoo feels happy again. No one is fainting or in the hospital, and in their eyes, that means everything is okay.
Myungsoo laughs when he is the next to fall. The routine occurs again: everyone is freaking out, he is taken to the hospital, and Woohyun is by his side. It hurts to laugh but he does, and everyone looks at him like he is in sane. But Myungsoo doesn’t care anymore, because this stopped being humane a long time ago; it became all too real and all too fucked up. Now, it was just a frightening, inescapable mess.
pairing: myungsoo-centric, some myungsoo/woohyun
description: Myungsoo wonders when it all became such a mess.
Myungsoo is surprised when a man stops him on the road and says, “Hey, I’m from Woollim Entertainment; you should come audition,” and hands him a business card. He stands there staring at the card for a moment before sliding it into his pocket and continuing on his way.
The card slips out of his mind as he studies for exams and continues his part-time modeling job at the mall. It lays abandoned on a corner of his desk, piled under countless reports and other junk that had gathered over time. After a heated argument with his parents about what he was going to do after high school, Myungsoo storms into his room, picks up some papers and hurls them on the floor. They don’t give a satisfying thump that a textbook would, but rather clutter up the air in his room as they slowly float down to the ground. If one were to see it at that moment, it would look like a hurricane of paper attacked his room.
When he glances at his desk again to see what else he can throw, he spots the card, now revealed from its hiding spot. He picks it up, and after glancing at the company name, he remembers the man on the streets that one day who had told him to audition. Why the fuck not, Myungsoo thinks. He doesn’t want to be a doctor, like his parents want him to be, and his dream of being a photographer is potent but not much of a money-maker. Being an entertainer hasn’t crossed his mind much, but Myungsoo figures he is good-looking enough to get somewhere.
So on a whim Myungsoo decides to audition for Woollim Entertainment, a small company with little to boast other than the success of Epik High. He looks around the room at his competitors and wonders what they do, what they want to do, if they want to be singers, dancers, models. He honestly does not know what he wants; he came here because he could. Maybe the others have been planning out their future as an idol for months. If they don’t make it today, that will have been a waste, won’t it? With that thought Myungsoo feels a bit luckier than the others because if he doesn’t make it, he can still go home and take another path without worries.
He watches person after person be called into the audition room and watches as each comes out looking disappointed. He is not sure if they tell you that you made it there and then or if they will call or send you a letter later. Myungsoo thinks about asking the boy next to him, but he is somewhat intimidated because the other boy is intensely glaring at the wall across the room.
Myungsoo is one of the last to be called and leaves the boy who is still glaring at the wall and another boy who is staring at the ground, looking lost, to walk into the audition room. There is a single man in there, which surprises him since he expected at least three judges. So his fate will all be determined by this one man. He walks up to the judge’s table and shakes his hand. The man smiles warmly, and Myungsoo feels a little more comfortable.
“Sit down, please. You are Kim Myungsoo-ssi?” the man says, gesturing to the chair in front of him.
“Yes, sir.” Myungsoo takes a seat and folds his hand nervously in his lap.
“Why are you audition for Woollim?”
“About a month ago, a man gave me his business card on the street and told me I should audition…so I decided to give it a shot,” Myungsoo replies hesitantly.
The judge looks thoughtful and writes something down on his paper. Myungsoo looks at the paper nervously, wondering what is being written.
“What are you going to sing or dance today?” the judge asks.
“I will be singing Dongbangshinki-sunbaenim’s Darkness Eyes,” Myungsoo states confidently.
“Whenever you’re ready,” the man says, putting down his pen and leaning back in his chair.
Myungsoo begins to sing, and he watches as the man’s face gradually changes from blank to a slight smile. He knows his voice isn’t the best, but it is reasonable. If he makes it, one of the first objectives will probably be to improve.
The man stops him right after the second chorus. Myungsoo shakes his hand and thanks the man, and he does likewise, saying, “If you make it, you will receive a call in two weeks to come back.”
Myungsoo exits the building and lets out a sigh of relief that the audition is over. He walks to the Smoothie King a few blocks away for a bit of refreshment. One of the boys in there had been at the audition, and Myungsoo listens as he brags to his friends about how he probably got in, how the judge was so impressed, how none of the other people auditioning could compare to him. He has no idea how talented the boy is, but either way Myungsoo rolls his eyes at the boy’s arrogance. There is more to it than that, he thinks.
Myungsoo has always been good at reading people’s emotions through their eyes, so when he walks out, he glances at the boasting boy. He is not surprised to see anxiety rather than the confidence he had been expressing. There was no one that walked out of the audition feeling on top of the world like that.
Two weeks later, Myungsoo receives a call from Woollim Entertainment telling that he has made it to the next round, which will take place in a week. He is not sure whether or not he is surprised, but he feels pride build in his chest that he accomplished something. He feels for one of the few times in his life that he is not useless.
Myungsoo begins preparing again, this time planning to dance as well. He picks SS501’s Déjà Vu and watches performances and their music video too many times to count in order to portray the emotions of the song in the movements of his body.
The day of round two comes, and Myungsoo approaches the Woollim building for the second time in a month. When he walks into the room, he sees the boy from Smoothie King along with the last two boys who had auditioned after him. There are around twenty other boys aside from him and the three he had recognized. They all look nervous, but there is a certain competitive glint in their eyes. Myungsoo wonders, like last time, who will make it.
The same man from the first round is in the room, but this time there is another man, who is older and exudes a powerful presence. Myungsoo shakes both men’s hands. The former smiles like he did last time while the latter’s expression is blank, though his eyes are intense and pierce Myungsoo’s when they make eye contact.
When Myungsoo is done with his audition, both judges look interested. The older man directs him into a room down the hall to wait. In the room, Myungsoo sits and stares at the clock, and most of the other boys do the same. Every few minutes another boy walks into the room, takes a seat, and starts staring at something, his hands, the clock, a wall.
The last boy walks into the room, and a woman comes in to tell them that the judges are making decisions and will be with them as soon as possible.
Myungsoo resumes staring at the clock and watches as five minutes pass, then ten minutes pass, until finally, after thirteen minutes and forty-one seconds have passed, the door creaks open as the woman opens it to let the judges through.
“We will be calling the numbers of those who made it. Those who did not, please do not try to argue and leave as soon as we finish calling numbers,” the older man says.
The judge begins announcing numbers, and Myungsoo sits stiffly, waiting for his number to hopefully be called. The boy who had bragged made it, as did the boy who had been staring at the floor in the first round.
Myungsoo’s head shoots up when he hears his number. So I made it, he thinks, I’m going to be a trainee.
The last person to be called is the boy who had stared intensely at the wall in the first round. Myungsoo sees relief in the boy’s eyes.
The judge closes his folder. “Thank you all for auditioning.”
The people who did not get picked either glare at those who did or give long, wistful looks as they walks out the door. Myungsoo stares blankly at the floor as people leave the room, wondering what was crossing everyone’s minds right now, including those who did not make it.
“My name is Lee Jungyeop,” the older man introduces himself. “I am the CEO of Woollim Entertainment.”
A few boys gasp, but Myungsoo simply stares.
“You’re moving in tomorrow. Be ready,” the CEO says before leaving the room. The smiley man leaves as well after giving them all a little pat on the back.
* * *
Myungsoo is put into a group with nine other boys. He learns that the boy who stared at the wall is named Lee Howon, and he is an amazing dancer.
After a week, two boys drop out. They are down to seven. Before long, there are five people left.
Trainees from other groups are transferred in to make a group of eight. They are together for around two months before two are moved to another group. Myungsoo’s group now consists of Howon, who he has been with the whole time, the arrogant boy, whose name he learns is Woohyun, a cheerful boy named Dongwoo who is always full of smiles, a small-eyed boy named Sunggyu, and another quiet boy named Jaemin.
Jaemin is moved to another group after a month, and two more boys named Sungjong and Sungyeol are added to the group. Sungjong is younger than him and prettier than many girls that Myungsoo has met, and Sungyeol is a mischievous boy who always has pranks up his sleeve.
Tablo calls them to meet with the CEO. They are going to debut with the name Infinite, meaning they have endless talents and potential. Myungsoo is doubtful of the name and wonders what kind of consequences such a title will bring.
It is decided that Myungsoo will be called L, and he will have the image of a handsome, cold city man. He accepts the role with no questions asked though in his mind, all he can think of is how different that is from his actual personality.
Howon is going to be Hoya, a more interesting and strong name. Unlike Myungsoo, Howon is satisfied with his stage name, and it becomes normal to call him Hoya.
Their debut is a little rocky. Woohyun’s pants rip, and they know they weren’t breathing right, making their vocals sound shaky. However, when they get online they see that everyone is impressed with their synchronization. Myungsoo is proud because if there was anything to be proud of, that was it.
Myungsoo slips into the character of L, giving silent stares and a charismatic aura on stage. He speaks little and spaces out while Sunggyu rambles and Woohyun interrupts him during interviews. The others also carry their characters well, though it is not so difficult because their images do not stray too far from reality.
They enter their follow up promotional period for She’s Back. There is more attention on Infinite now because people notice that their synchronization is not just Come Back Again, it is a trend that Infinite plans to live up to. Myungsoo shares a line with Sungjong but watches Sungyeol smile through the song even though he has none.
When they wrap up She’s Back promotions, Myungsoo thinks they might have a break. He laughs at the possibility when they are neck-deep in practice when they’re not recording a show. He learns that there is no end, there is no break; there are only promotions, shows, practice. The cycle repeats.
Infinite shoots BTD on the coldest day of the year. Woohyun is injured, and it hurts Myungsoo to watch the older boy keep filming despite the pain. In the few moments of break, Myungsoo wraps his arms around Woohyun’s waist and whispers comforting words in his ears. Woohyun buries his face in Myungsoo’s warm shoulder, mumbling thank-you’s and I-love-you.
Myungsoo becomes even more popular when the music video is released. Everyone is talking about how hot he looks at a certain moment in the MV, and he can only laugh and shrug it off when the other members tease him about it.
They have a successful comeback, and their popularity grows. Woohyun promotes on the injured hip, which delays the healing process. Myungsoo sees Woohyun wince as they practice and wishes he could confine the boy to bed so he can rest and get better.
Nothing’s Over is released two weeks after BTD promotions are concluded. Infinite’s popularity hits its highest point so far because the concept is cute, and cute tends to succeed. Myungsoo is tired but proud of himself because his vocals have improved. He has been given more lines, and while he will not complain about that, Sungjong and Sungyeol have nothing but the chorus. He goes home disappointed on the two days his voice cracks because he thought he had scaled that mountain. Sunggyu comforts him that everyone makes mistakes; even he and Woohyun don’t sing everything perfectly all the time.
Myungsoo laughs as Woohyun gives a ridiculous amount of fanservice, throwing hearts everywhere and being all over Sunggyu because the fans love the main vocalists together. He knows Woohyun had to practice in the mirror to get it right and not make himself look like an idiot (though personally Myungsoo thinks he still is one).
Can U Smile gives Myungsoo the chance to play his guitar, and he feels proud for Dongwoo and Hoya who sing well despite mainly being labeled as the rappers. He also loves how everyone has a reasonably sufficient line in the song.
He sees surprise and some outrage flood the message boards when Infinite’s comeback for Be Mine is announced. No one expects them back so quickly; it has only been two months. Most would not come back for at least another six months. Myungsoo is beyond tired, and he sees the same fatigue in the other members’ eyes. Woohyun works out to be able to show off a toned body in either the outfit that shows off his chest or the other that would usually involve an abflash. Myungsoo himself also has to lift a couple weights.
By Paradise, Myungsoo is exhausted and he is getting sick of everything. He chose this path spontaneously two and a half years ago never imagining what it would be like. He asks himself why he ever wanted to throw himself into the harsh world of entertainment, but his mind yields no answer. He knows the others do not regret it the way he does, but it hurts more to see them tired and try to be happy.
Woohyun has lost so much weight that Myungsoo wants to cry for him when he feels the older boy’s ribs jut into him when he hugs him. His body is thin, almost frail, but Woohyun’s warm, chocolate brown eyes plead him not to say anything when he wants to tell Woohyun that it’s too much, this needs to end, he’s not healthy (but none of them have been healthy since they debuted).
It’s one day in practice when Woohyun collapses and everyone cries as they rush to the hospital when Myungsoo says to himself, “Fuck, when did this all get so messed up?” This is supposed to true happiness, not fake smiles and laughs through pain. They shouldn’t be screwing up their health for this; it’s not worth that much.
“All I need is Inspirits. The fans give us energy,” they always say. But it’s not true. The fans are a motivating factor, but for life they need rest. In this industry, rest is rare and precious, and these days they are getting basically none.
Myungsoo hates that Woohyun lost this sick game first. It should have been him, Sungjong, anyone else, but not Woohyun. Woohyun is strong, the one who could always stand up again when everyone is sprawled across the floor of their practice room. Even though he is injured or sick, he always pulls through with a bright smile gracing his features. Myungsoo hates this because he wishes he didn’t have to worry about Woohyun (sometimes he wishes he didn’t love him), but now, all that will be on his mind is Woohyun. Their dance teacher and vocals instructor will yell at him for being distracted, and he’ll mumble, “Sorry,” without meaning it because he couldn’t feel sorry for worrying.
Woohyun gets out of the hospital a few days later, and a tired smile is set on his face when he walks into the dorm. Myungsoo sees the older boy and immediately stands up, walks over, and intertwines his fingers with Woohyun’s, pulling him close so that his chin rests on his shoulder.
Myungsoo whispers in Woohyun’s ear how much he missed him, how scared he was, how worried he was, how worried he still is, how much he hates him, how much he loves him. Again Woohyun is muttering I’m-sorry’s and I-love-you’s because he knows Myungsoo has worried and been despaired over the past few days.
The mood in the dorms gets better because Woohyun is back and it never feels quite right if Woohyun isn’t around. Soon enough, Woohyun is being the hyper idiot that he usually is, and Myungsoo feels happy again. No one is fainting or in the hospital, and in their eyes, that means everything is okay.
Myungsoo laughs when he is the next to fall. The routine occurs again: everyone is freaking out, he is taken to the hospital, and Woohyun is by his side. It hurts to laugh but he does, and everyone looks at him like he is in sane. But Myungsoo doesn’t care anymore, because this stopped being humane a long time ago; it became all too real and all too fucked up. Now, it was just a frightening, inescapable mess.