so lost you can't see it
title: so lost you can't see it
pairing: Jongdae/Lu Han
rating: PG-13
wordcount: 3768
summary: Jongdae is chosen for Breath and spends a lot of time with Liyin. Lu Han struggles with his affections.
Rumors of SM the Ballad coming back had been floating around for years, among both the netizens and the artists themselves. Some said there would be new members, others insisted that the lineup would remain the same. SM’s executives remained silent.
Jongdae is called into a meeting while they’re practicing for their upcoming comeback with Wolf. Lu Han glances questioningly at Kris, but he looks just as confused as the rest of them. Jongdae shoots him a nervous smile as Hyunkyun ushers him out hurriedly with a bark at them to continue. When the door closes, they all begin talking at once, speculating on what they could possibly want with Jongdae. Junmyeon stares at the door for a moment, teeth worrying his bottom lip, before snapping back to attention.
“Hey, let’s do it again. Chanyeol, you’re still missing that one part,” Junmyeon says. The members settle down after a short “Hey” from Kris and move into position. Baekhyun hits the play button, the beginnings of Wolf booming through the practice room, but Jongdae’s absence is evident in everyone’s lack of focus as even Jongin stumbles over a step in the chorus.
Junmyeon calls it a day when Sehun almost falls on his one-kick move in their eighth restart following Jongdae’s exit. “We aren’t getting anything done. Let’s all go home to rest and come back tomorrow,” he says tiredly.
Lu Han flops onto the floor in exhaustion, throwing an arm over his face. Someone nudges him lightly with a foot, and he looks up to see Yixing looking down at him with a water bottle in each hand. He drops one on Lu Han’s stomach and sits beside him, opening the bottle with a crack to guzzle down half of it in one gulp. Lu Han sits up and sips out of his own water bottle.
“What do you think they called Jongdae out for?” Yixing asks after swallowing.
“Who knows. We’ll find out later anyways.” Lu Han shrugs. The one thing he has learned from the years of training and countless rumors of debuts and comebacks is not to believe anything until it comes out of the company. There was no use in making assumptions for things that might never happen; Jinho has learned that lesson well from too much false hope in the past three years of practicing and practicing with no signs of an end.
Jongdae comes back an hour after they’ve returned the dorms, most of the members going to take a nap or sprawling on the couches to watch TV. Baekhyun opens his mouth but Kyungsoo elbows him in the side before he can speak, and he lets out a pained squeak instead.
“They’re bringing SM the Ballad back,” Jongdae announces, answering the question in everyone’s minds. Cheers and congratulations erupt from everyone in the room, loud enough to rouse the sleeping members and bring them stumbling out of their rooms.
Soon Jongdae is caught in a mess of limbs as everyone tries to hug him at the same time. Jongdae beams even as he protests their assault.
“Jinho?” Junmyeon asks hopefully when the members calm down and most return to their seats.
Jongdae shakes his head sadly. “It’s all new people except Jonghyun-hyung. Zhou Mi-hyung, Yesung-hyung, Changmin-hyung, Taeyeon-noona, Soojung, and Zhang Liyin-sunbae.”
“How’s that going to work?” Chanyeol asks, brow furrowed in confusion.
“The details aren’t clear, but they said I’m singing in Chinese with Liyin-sunbae,” Jongdae says.
Lu Han’s breath catches. None of them have really met Zhang Liyin, only catching glances of her at a few SMTown concerts. He’s heard questions about her lack of new releases since 2009, and he knows Zitao thinks she’s hot. Lu Han makes eye contact with Jongdae and sees a mixture of excitement and apprehension in the younger’s eyes. It’s a huge honor for Jongdae to be singing with a senior artist, even more so in a different language. They could’ve just had Zhou Mi sing with Liyin, but they chose Jongdae.
Lu Han passes Jongdae on the way out of the shower and gives him a pat on the shoulder. Jongdae grins, eyes bright, and Lu Han lets his hand linger for a moment before he continues back to his room.
Lu Han helps Jongdae through his lines when he receives the lyrics a week later. Jongdae whines a lot and pulls at his hair in frustration a lot but never asks to stop, even refusing a break when Lu Han offers one. They go through the lyrics word by word until Jongdae feels relatively confident and Lu Han deems his pronunciation acceptable.
“Hyung, it has to be perfect. I can’t mess up with Liyin-sunbae,” Jongdae says seriously. He chews lightly on the top of the pen he uses to make notes and giant circles around the parts he has trouble with, eyes concentrated on reading over the pinyin and the notes.
“You’re good. She’ll be impressed.” Lu Han ruffles his hair affectionately.
“Can we go through this verse again?”
Jongdae goes to rehearsal with Liyin and comes back more and more tired each time. “I feel like the more we practice the worse I get. Liyin-noona’s so nice that I feel even worse that I keep messing up,” Jongdae says.
“It can’t be that bad,” says Lu Han, trying to comfort him. “Your voice is gold and I’m your Mandarin teacher.”
“Yixing and Zitao are both nicer than you,” Jongdae replies with a snort.
Lu Han sniffs and punches him in the arm. “You know I’m the best Mandarin tutor and the best hyung.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Jongdae says, rolling his eyes.
Lu Han jumps on him and attacks him with his pillow until he says that Lu Han is the manliest and best hyung he could ever have in his entire miserable, pathetic life.
Jongdae progresses under the mostly patient instruction of the Chinese members as well as Liyin’s gentle correction when they practice together. His mood when he returns to the dorms after recording significantly improves, and soon he chatters to the rest of the group about how nice Liyin-noona is and how well their voices fit together.
Lu Han remains quiet as Zitao and Chanyeol ask endless questions about Liyin and Jongdae’s relationship with her. Yixing pats his knee and smiles, looking unconcerned even though Lu Han’s sure his best friend knows his predicament.
When they begin promotions for Wolf, Jongdae can’t meet up with Liyin as much anymore, so he bothers Lu Han to keep his pronunciation and pitch in check.
“Hyung! Why don’t you sing with me? You can cover Liyin-noona’s part,” Jongdae suggests one day while they sit on the floor of the practice room.
“What? I’m not a girl?” Lu Han knows he probably can sing the part, but the idea of singing with Jongdae on this duet makes his heart jump in his chest.
“Please?” Jongdae pleads, pouting. Lu Han looks away in a futile attempt to resist Jongdae’s aegyo.
“Lu ge?” Jongdae says slowly, voice taking a teasing tone.
Lu Han curses himself for being so easy. He grunts his assent and Jongdae cheers.
Jongdae’s voice soars over the notes with almost perfect pronunciation, and Lu Han is so absorbed in listening to the younger man that he almost doesn’t come in on time with Liyin’s verse. When Jongdae rejoins him he looks at him with so much intensity that Lu Han’s voice shakes a bit. He wonders if this is how he looks at Liyin when they sing together. He wonders if right now Jongdae is imagining that it is Liyin in front of him and not Lu Han. He wonders if maybe Liyin feels something more than friendly affection towards Jongdae as well.
Lu Han harmonizes effortlessly with Jongdae, partially from the number of times he’s listened to the song and partially from knowing Jongdae’s voice almost better than his own after countless hours in the recording studio together. Jongdae’s gaze does not falter as he sings, voice powerful and tone steady. Lu Han’s voice breaks in the middle of the bridge, but Jongdae simply picks up where Lu Han stopped and continues. He finishes the song by himself, Lu Han too numb to come back in.
Jongdae smiles easily after he rounds out the last note. There is no disappointment or irritation in his eyes, only pure delight. “Hyung, wasn’t that great?”
Lu Han coughs. “I cracked in the middle of a line. What do you mean it was great?”
“I get my parts so much better now,” Jongdae says. “Thanks hyung!”
He can’t help but smile back when Jongdae grins again, eyes crinkling and the edges of his kitten-like lips curling up.
Lu Han meets Liyin for himself by chance a few weeks later. He bumps into her on the way to the practice room to squeeze in some work on his vocals before he goes back to the dorm. She looks exhausted but no less beautiful with her hair in a messy bun and dressed in leggings and a large hoodie.
“Ah, Liyin, I’ve heard a lot about you from Jongdae,” Lu Han greets her in Chinese with a bow.
Liyin looks thrown off by his words, but she smiles and bows back. “Jongdae talks a lot about you too, Lu Han.”
“Don’t believe anything he tells you. I’m a great person, and he’s a liar,” Lu Han says immediately.
“He said you’re very nice and patient with him when you help him with Chinese,” Liyin replies, laughing.
“Oh. Then never mind, you should believe him.” Lu Han chuckles, and Liyin just laughs more.
Liyin is every bit as wonderful with the right amount of teasing that Lu Han expected. He leaves without practicing but with Liyin’s phone number and a promise to eat together sometime.
SM the Ballad release their album in mid-February, with Jongdae singing in three of the songs. Lu Han secretly creates a playlist of Jongdae’s songs puts it on repeat to listen to while he rests in bed. Jongdae flies to Beijing with Liyin to record a few interviews before they would be coming to join EXO in Changsha. On the airplane and between recordings Jongdae sends him streams of emojis on Line reflecting a wide range of emotions and a couple selcas of him pouting with the attached message, hyung i miss you :(((.
Liyin also sends him a text asking him to appease Jongdae’s boredom with a response. Lu Han laughs and sends Jongdae a picture of Jongin’s sleeping face. The response is immediate: hyung i want to see your face not jongin’s. Lu Han smiles tentatively for the selca and texts it to Jongdae, who replies with, lu ge is so handsome :).
When Jongdae arrives at the stadium they’re performing in for the Lantern Festival, the circles under his eyes have gotten darker, but his smile is just as bright and his actions just as boisterous as usual. Liyin looks equally tired as she greets them warmly and watches Jongdae fondly.
Liyin and Jongdae perform Breath together, voices charged with palpable emotion flowing together seamlessly. Lu Han listens backstage with his eyes closed, letting the music fill his head and remembering the time he practiced the song with Jongdae in Liyin’s place. He sees Jongdae’s intense gaze staring straight at him penetrating all the way to his heart, making him feel like all of him has been laid bare.
He opens his eyes when the last note dies out. Jongdae comes back into the waiting room with a sparkle in his eyes and a satisfied grin. Zitao hugs him, and the rest give him high-fives. He turns to Lu Han last, and he gives the younger a one armed hug and a smile. Liyin is met with similar congratulations and a tight hug from Jongdae. She tucks neatly into Jongdae’s form, and Jongdae has stars in his eyes when he looks at her. Lu Han has to look away and catches Minseok’s gaze. Minseok cocks his head to the side slightly, looking between Lu Han, Jongdae, and Liyin curiously, and comprehension floods over him. He only smiles thoughtfully though, and Lu Han is left confused as to what the look in his eyes meant.
While EXO practices for the next comeback, Jongdae performs Breath with Liyin on Simply Kpop and Arirang. Lu Han knows it disappoints them to not get to perform on the main music shows, but it’s something. Jongdae comes home no less elated at the end of each performance, chattering excitedly about the number of fans that were there to support him and Liyin. He still sends Lu Han random pictures and texts on Line, and he still shoots him huge grins with sparkling eyes.
Breath promotions for Jongdae and Liyin end quickly, and they are immediately thrown into a greater frenzy for their yet to be announced comeback. Jongdae works twice as hard to make up for the time he missed, staying after with Jongin and Yixing for hours after the others leave and consequently spending almost all the down time they have sleeping. Lu Han barely speaks a few words to him each day. He lingers a bit each night, contemplating offering his help and letting the main dancers go home and rest for once. When Jongin trips twice in one practice session, he insists that the younger leave and forces Yixing to go with him.
Jongdae is almost out the door when Lu Han calls him back. “I can help you tonight. And any other time you want. We all know Jongin and Yixing work too hard,” he says hesitantly.
Jongdae looks at him, wide eyed and slightly perplexed. “Hyung, I’ll be fine. It’s just one night, right?”
“Do you not think I can teach as well as they can?” Lu Han teases, faking offense.
“No, I’m just really tired tonight. I appreciate the offer, but I think we both need the rest,” Jongdae replies, looking down at his feet.
Lu Han’s smile falters. Jongdae mutters a good bye before shuffling out of the practice room, leaving Lu Han to stare at the door he just left through numbly.
For the next few weeks, Lu Han doesn’t say much more than “excuse me” and “please pass the kimchi” to Jongdae. Yixing shoots him a look that promises confrontation later when he walks straight past Jongdae without even making eye contact. Minseok and Kris also notice and glance between the two of them questioningly but choose not to bring it up.
“What’s going on with Jongdae?” Yixing asks as soon as Lu Han closes the door to their room.
“I don’t know,” Lu Han admits, sighing and sitting down on his bed. Yixing remains standing, arms crossed and looking down at Lu Han exasperatedly.
“Did you do anything?” continues Yixing.
“No, I didn’t do anything. This is all very confusing and new for me too.” Lu Han puts his head in his hands and rubs his temples tiredly. If it were anyone else he would have confronted them, but this is Jongdae. He didn’t want to push too hard and shut him down even more.
Yixing doesn’t reply. When Lu Han looks up, Yixing is smiling oddly. “What?” he asks.
“You didn’t do anything. That’s the whole problem,” Yixing says as if it should be obvious.
Lu Han stares at him cluelessly.
“Just think about it a little. Think about Jongdae and you,” his best friend says vaguely.
Lu Han groans. That’s all he’s been thinking about lately.
Liyin calls him to have lunch with her on one of EXO’s days off. Hyunkyun drops him off in front of the Chinese restaurant Liyin claims has the most amazing beef noodle soup. When he enters the restaurant, he sees Liyin sitting discreetly in a corner and waves to her as he walks over.
“How have you been? I heard your comeback’s coming up,” Liyin says after they’ve ordered.
“Tired, but it’s the usual. They’re announcing our comeback date to the public in two weeks,” Lu Han replies
She smiles comfortingly. “You get used to it. How’s Jongdae?”
Lu Han is caught off guard by the question. “Jongdae? He’s fine, I guess…” Lu Han trails off as he thinks of how Jongdae’s been avoiding him lately. “Well, he’s not really talking to me these days. He’ll barely even look at me.”
“Really? I didn’t know it was that bad,” Liyin muses.
“What?”
“Nothing. Jongdae mentioned something, but I didn’t think he was avoiding you,” Liyin says.
“What did he say?” Lu Han asks anxiously. He’ll take any hint of why Jongdae’s upset with him, as desperate as he probably seems.
“Just something,” Liyin says vaguely. She smiles mysteriously, eyes unreadable.
Their food arrives before Lu Han can protest, and Liyin changes the topic to reminiscing about China and its food. A part of Lu Han’s mind remains on what she says while he allows himself to be carried back to the memories of his home country.
Before she leaves, Liyin gives him a loose hug and a pat on the shoulder, telling him, “You’ll figure it out.”
The week before their comeback, all of EXO have huge bags under their eyes and patience running low. Junmyeon’s criticisms are harsher than usual, and everyone’s frustration crackles in the air. After the tenth time of repeating the bridge because Baekhyun can’t keep his feet in the right place, Chanyeol throws his snapback on the floor and walks out of the practice room. They remain still for a moment before half of the group is following him. Lu Han and Jongdae both stay rooted in place, watching as Junmyeon opens his mouth to yell at them to come back but stops when even Kris walks out. Junmyeon’s shoulders slump, his utter exhaustion obvious now that he let his strong front down. Lu Han, Jongdae, Junmyeon, Jongin, and Yixing sit in a circle in the center of the room sharing small words of comfort but mostly drawing reassurance from each other’s presence.
Jongdae acts less distant after the incident. He smiles at Lu Han when he passes him and sometimes sits beside him on the couch. Lu Han is surprised at first but adapts quickly, falling into a friendly routine, not too close but not too far.
Yixing asks him one day as they’re about to fall asleep, “Have you still not figured it out?”
Lu Han doesn’t answer. He hasn’t, but he thinks maybe it’ll be okay even if he doesn’t. Jongdae is slowly opening back up to him. Any confrontation could stop any progress he had made, and that’s the last thing he wants right now.
He sits next to Jongdae in the van on the way to their first comeback stage. As they leave the car, Lu Han automatically takes Jongdae’s hand to keep them together as they weave through the fans. Jongdae laces their fingers and doesn’t let go even when they’ve entered the building. Baekhyun bumps into his shoulder lightly as he walks past and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, looking at their linked hands. Lu Han rolls his eyes but lets go of Jongdae’s hand.
Their first week of promotions goes successfully. The fans are always extra passionate after they’ve been gone for a while, and the fanchants almost overpowered them. They win all the music shows the following week, and Lu Han throws an arm around Jongdae’s shoulders as he belts out the chorus. The two of them sing to the audience with the same microphone, producing piercing screams from the fans for the fanservice. Lu Han exchanges elated grins with Jongdae, and they form a heart with their arms for even more screams.
Lu Han doesn’t get it until Jongdae kisses him backstage after they win a triple crown on M! Countdown. Whistling and catcalling come from the other members, most likely the maknaes and Chanyeol, while Baekhyun yells at them to get a room, and Jongdae gives them the finger and continues kissing him. Jongdae’s lips are chapped but just as good if not better than Lu Han had imagined. He tilts his head and puts a hand on the back of Jongdae’s neck to kiss him harder.
Jongdae’s lips are swollen red when they pull apart, but his eyes are brighter than ever before. Lu Han feels a thrill that this was his doing, and Jongdae presses their lips together briefly, murmuring in his ear that they need to talk later.
Lu Han gets pulled into Jongdae’s room after dinner while the others sit around the TV watching some terribly cliched drama. The door is barely closed when Jongdae tugs him down by his shirt into a hard kiss, skipping straight to licking into Lu Han’s mouth. He moans and pulls Jongdae closer until their bodies are pressed together.
Jongdae breaks the kiss first, panting and mouth a beautiful shade of red. “As much as I’d just like to keep kissing you, we do need to talk.”
“I’ve liked you for a long time, maybe even since before debut. But you’re Lu Han, you’re ridiculously caring towards everyone and I never knew if I ever meant more to you than anyone else,” Jongdae explains.
“You do,” Lu Han interjects softly.
“I thought I was being obvious about liking you, but you never noticed. Literally everyone else knows, even the sunbaes. I thought you didn’t like me, but then you pulled that passive-aggressive shit when I was practicing and promoting Breath and I didn’t know what to think. So I distanced myself to make myself get over you, but obviously it didn’t really work out. I would’ve just sucked it up, but Liyin-noona, Yixing-hyung, and even Junmyeon-hyung told me I should fix things with you. Liyin-noona told me you liked me too even if you had a crappy way of showing it and told me to just go for it, and well.” Jongdae grins unashamedly.
“I thought you liked Liyin because you were always talking about her,” Lu Han admits. “And then I thought I did something wrong, but I didn’t know what. So I just let you do what you wanted because I didn’t want to upset you.”
Jongdae snorts. “Liyin-noona told me you’d probably made that conclusion because you have extremely selective sight. I always liked you.”
“You should’ve just told me,” Lu Han huffs.
The younger man rolls his eyes. “Just shut up and kiss me, idiot.”
Lu Han could never deny Jongdae anything, so he links their fingers and seals their mouths in another kiss.
pairing: Jongdae/Lu Han
rating: PG-13
wordcount: 3768
summary: Jongdae is chosen for Breath and spends a lot of time with Liyin. Lu Han struggles with his affections.
Rumors of SM the Ballad coming back had been floating around for years, among both the netizens and the artists themselves. Some said there would be new members, others insisted that the lineup would remain the same. SM’s executives remained silent.
Jongdae is called into a meeting while they’re practicing for their upcoming comeback with Wolf. Lu Han glances questioningly at Kris, but he looks just as confused as the rest of them. Jongdae shoots him a nervous smile as Hyunkyun ushers him out hurriedly with a bark at them to continue. When the door closes, they all begin talking at once, speculating on what they could possibly want with Jongdae. Junmyeon stares at the door for a moment, teeth worrying his bottom lip, before snapping back to attention.
“Hey, let’s do it again. Chanyeol, you’re still missing that one part,” Junmyeon says. The members settle down after a short “Hey” from Kris and move into position. Baekhyun hits the play button, the beginnings of Wolf booming through the practice room, but Jongdae’s absence is evident in everyone’s lack of focus as even Jongin stumbles over a step in the chorus.
Junmyeon calls it a day when Sehun almost falls on his one-kick move in their eighth restart following Jongdae’s exit. “We aren’t getting anything done. Let’s all go home to rest and come back tomorrow,” he says tiredly.
Lu Han flops onto the floor in exhaustion, throwing an arm over his face. Someone nudges him lightly with a foot, and he looks up to see Yixing looking down at him with a water bottle in each hand. He drops one on Lu Han’s stomach and sits beside him, opening the bottle with a crack to guzzle down half of it in one gulp. Lu Han sits up and sips out of his own water bottle.
“What do you think they called Jongdae out for?” Yixing asks after swallowing.
“Who knows. We’ll find out later anyways.” Lu Han shrugs. The one thing he has learned from the years of training and countless rumors of debuts and comebacks is not to believe anything until it comes out of the company. There was no use in making assumptions for things that might never happen; Jinho has learned that lesson well from too much false hope in the past three years of practicing and practicing with no signs of an end.
Jongdae comes back an hour after they’ve returned the dorms, most of the members going to take a nap or sprawling on the couches to watch TV. Baekhyun opens his mouth but Kyungsoo elbows him in the side before he can speak, and he lets out a pained squeak instead.
“They’re bringing SM the Ballad back,” Jongdae announces, answering the question in everyone’s minds. Cheers and congratulations erupt from everyone in the room, loud enough to rouse the sleeping members and bring them stumbling out of their rooms.
Soon Jongdae is caught in a mess of limbs as everyone tries to hug him at the same time. Jongdae beams even as he protests their assault.
“Jinho?” Junmyeon asks hopefully when the members calm down and most return to their seats.
Jongdae shakes his head sadly. “It’s all new people except Jonghyun-hyung. Zhou Mi-hyung, Yesung-hyung, Changmin-hyung, Taeyeon-noona, Soojung, and Zhang Liyin-sunbae.”
“How’s that going to work?” Chanyeol asks, brow furrowed in confusion.
“The details aren’t clear, but they said I’m singing in Chinese with Liyin-sunbae,” Jongdae says.
Lu Han’s breath catches. None of them have really met Zhang Liyin, only catching glances of her at a few SMTown concerts. He’s heard questions about her lack of new releases since 2009, and he knows Zitao thinks she’s hot. Lu Han makes eye contact with Jongdae and sees a mixture of excitement and apprehension in the younger’s eyes. It’s a huge honor for Jongdae to be singing with a senior artist, even more so in a different language. They could’ve just had Zhou Mi sing with Liyin, but they chose Jongdae.
Lu Han passes Jongdae on the way out of the shower and gives him a pat on the shoulder. Jongdae grins, eyes bright, and Lu Han lets his hand linger for a moment before he continues back to his room.
Lu Han helps Jongdae through his lines when he receives the lyrics a week later. Jongdae whines a lot and pulls at his hair in frustration a lot but never asks to stop, even refusing a break when Lu Han offers one. They go through the lyrics word by word until Jongdae feels relatively confident and Lu Han deems his pronunciation acceptable.
“Hyung, it has to be perfect. I can’t mess up with Liyin-sunbae,” Jongdae says seriously. He chews lightly on the top of the pen he uses to make notes and giant circles around the parts he has trouble with, eyes concentrated on reading over the pinyin and the notes.
“You’re good. She’ll be impressed.” Lu Han ruffles his hair affectionately.
“Can we go through this verse again?”
Jongdae goes to rehearsal with Liyin and comes back more and more tired each time. “I feel like the more we practice the worse I get. Liyin-noona’s so nice that I feel even worse that I keep messing up,” Jongdae says.
“It can’t be that bad,” says Lu Han, trying to comfort him. “Your voice is gold and I’m your Mandarin teacher.”
“Yixing and Zitao are both nicer than you,” Jongdae replies with a snort.
Lu Han sniffs and punches him in the arm. “You know I’m the best Mandarin tutor and the best hyung.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Jongdae says, rolling his eyes.
Lu Han jumps on him and attacks him with his pillow until he says that Lu Han is the manliest and best hyung he could ever have in his entire miserable, pathetic life.
Jongdae progresses under the mostly patient instruction of the Chinese members as well as Liyin’s gentle correction when they practice together. His mood when he returns to the dorms after recording significantly improves, and soon he chatters to the rest of the group about how nice Liyin-noona is and how well their voices fit together.
Lu Han remains quiet as Zitao and Chanyeol ask endless questions about Liyin and Jongdae’s relationship with her. Yixing pats his knee and smiles, looking unconcerned even though Lu Han’s sure his best friend knows his predicament.
When they begin promotions for Wolf, Jongdae can’t meet up with Liyin as much anymore, so he bothers Lu Han to keep his pronunciation and pitch in check.
“Hyung! Why don’t you sing with me? You can cover Liyin-noona’s part,” Jongdae suggests one day while they sit on the floor of the practice room.
“What? I’m not a girl?” Lu Han knows he probably can sing the part, but the idea of singing with Jongdae on this duet makes his heart jump in his chest.
“Please?” Jongdae pleads, pouting. Lu Han looks away in a futile attempt to resist Jongdae’s aegyo.
“Lu ge?” Jongdae says slowly, voice taking a teasing tone.
Lu Han curses himself for being so easy. He grunts his assent and Jongdae cheers.
Jongdae’s voice soars over the notes with almost perfect pronunciation, and Lu Han is so absorbed in listening to the younger man that he almost doesn’t come in on time with Liyin’s verse. When Jongdae rejoins him he looks at him with so much intensity that Lu Han’s voice shakes a bit. He wonders if this is how he looks at Liyin when they sing together. He wonders if right now Jongdae is imagining that it is Liyin in front of him and not Lu Han. He wonders if maybe Liyin feels something more than friendly affection towards Jongdae as well.
Lu Han harmonizes effortlessly with Jongdae, partially from the number of times he’s listened to the song and partially from knowing Jongdae’s voice almost better than his own after countless hours in the recording studio together. Jongdae’s gaze does not falter as he sings, voice powerful and tone steady. Lu Han’s voice breaks in the middle of the bridge, but Jongdae simply picks up where Lu Han stopped and continues. He finishes the song by himself, Lu Han too numb to come back in.
Jongdae smiles easily after he rounds out the last note. There is no disappointment or irritation in his eyes, only pure delight. “Hyung, wasn’t that great?”
Lu Han coughs. “I cracked in the middle of a line. What do you mean it was great?”
“I get my parts so much better now,” Jongdae says. “Thanks hyung!”
He can’t help but smile back when Jongdae grins again, eyes crinkling and the edges of his kitten-like lips curling up.
Lu Han meets Liyin for himself by chance a few weeks later. He bumps into her on the way to the practice room to squeeze in some work on his vocals before he goes back to the dorm. She looks exhausted but no less beautiful with her hair in a messy bun and dressed in leggings and a large hoodie.
“Ah, Liyin, I’ve heard a lot about you from Jongdae,” Lu Han greets her in Chinese with a bow.
Liyin looks thrown off by his words, but she smiles and bows back. “Jongdae talks a lot about you too, Lu Han.”
“Don’t believe anything he tells you. I’m a great person, and he’s a liar,” Lu Han says immediately.
“He said you’re very nice and patient with him when you help him with Chinese,” Liyin replies, laughing.
“Oh. Then never mind, you should believe him.” Lu Han chuckles, and Liyin just laughs more.
Liyin is every bit as wonderful with the right amount of teasing that Lu Han expected. He leaves without practicing but with Liyin’s phone number and a promise to eat together sometime.
SM the Ballad release their album in mid-February, with Jongdae singing in three of the songs. Lu Han secretly creates a playlist of Jongdae’s songs puts it on repeat to listen to while he rests in bed. Jongdae flies to Beijing with Liyin to record a few interviews before they would be coming to join EXO in Changsha. On the airplane and between recordings Jongdae sends him streams of emojis on Line reflecting a wide range of emotions and a couple selcas of him pouting with the attached message, hyung i miss you :(((.
Liyin also sends him a text asking him to appease Jongdae’s boredom with a response. Lu Han laughs and sends Jongdae a picture of Jongin’s sleeping face. The response is immediate: hyung i want to see your face not jongin’s. Lu Han smiles tentatively for the selca and texts it to Jongdae, who replies with, lu ge is so handsome :).
When Jongdae arrives at the stadium they’re performing in for the Lantern Festival, the circles under his eyes have gotten darker, but his smile is just as bright and his actions just as boisterous as usual. Liyin looks equally tired as she greets them warmly and watches Jongdae fondly.
Liyin and Jongdae perform Breath together, voices charged with palpable emotion flowing together seamlessly. Lu Han listens backstage with his eyes closed, letting the music fill his head and remembering the time he practiced the song with Jongdae in Liyin’s place. He sees Jongdae’s intense gaze staring straight at him penetrating all the way to his heart, making him feel like all of him has been laid bare.
He opens his eyes when the last note dies out. Jongdae comes back into the waiting room with a sparkle in his eyes and a satisfied grin. Zitao hugs him, and the rest give him high-fives. He turns to Lu Han last, and he gives the younger a one armed hug and a smile. Liyin is met with similar congratulations and a tight hug from Jongdae. She tucks neatly into Jongdae’s form, and Jongdae has stars in his eyes when he looks at her. Lu Han has to look away and catches Minseok’s gaze. Minseok cocks his head to the side slightly, looking between Lu Han, Jongdae, and Liyin curiously, and comprehension floods over him. He only smiles thoughtfully though, and Lu Han is left confused as to what the look in his eyes meant.
While EXO practices for the next comeback, Jongdae performs Breath with Liyin on Simply Kpop and Arirang. Lu Han knows it disappoints them to not get to perform on the main music shows, but it’s something. Jongdae comes home no less elated at the end of each performance, chattering excitedly about the number of fans that were there to support him and Liyin. He still sends Lu Han random pictures and texts on Line, and he still shoots him huge grins with sparkling eyes.
Breath promotions for Jongdae and Liyin end quickly, and they are immediately thrown into a greater frenzy for their yet to be announced comeback. Jongdae works twice as hard to make up for the time he missed, staying after with Jongin and Yixing for hours after the others leave and consequently spending almost all the down time they have sleeping. Lu Han barely speaks a few words to him each day. He lingers a bit each night, contemplating offering his help and letting the main dancers go home and rest for once. When Jongin trips twice in one practice session, he insists that the younger leave and forces Yixing to go with him.
Jongdae is almost out the door when Lu Han calls him back. “I can help you tonight. And any other time you want. We all know Jongin and Yixing work too hard,” he says hesitantly.
Jongdae looks at him, wide eyed and slightly perplexed. “Hyung, I’ll be fine. It’s just one night, right?”
“Do you not think I can teach as well as they can?” Lu Han teases, faking offense.
“No, I’m just really tired tonight. I appreciate the offer, but I think we both need the rest,” Jongdae replies, looking down at his feet.
Lu Han’s smile falters. Jongdae mutters a good bye before shuffling out of the practice room, leaving Lu Han to stare at the door he just left through numbly.
For the next few weeks, Lu Han doesn’t say much more than “excuse me” and “please pass the kimchi” to Jongdae. Yixing shoots him a look that promises confrontation later when he walks straight past Jongdae without even making eye contact. Minseok and Kris also notice and glance between the two of them questioningly but choose not to bring it up.
“What’s going on with Jongdae?” Yixing asks as soon as Lu Han closes the door to their room.
“I don’t know,” Lu Han admits, sighing and sitting down on his bed. Yixing remains standing, arms crossed and looking down at Lu Han exasperatedly.
“Did you do anything?” continues Yixing.
“No, I didn’t do anything. This is all very confusing and new for me too.” Lu Han puts his head in his hands and rubs his temples tiredly. If it were anyone else he would have confronted them, but this is Jongdae. He didn’t want to push too hard and shut him down even more.
Yixing doesn’t reply. When Lu Han looks up, Yixing is smiling oddly. “What?” he asks.
“You didn’t do anything. That’s the whole problem,” Yixing says as if it should be obvious.
Lu Han stares at him cluelessly.
“Just think about it a little. Think about Jongdae and you,” his best friend says vaguely.
Lu Han groans. That’s all he’s been thinking about lately.
Liyin calls him to have lunch with her on one of EXO’s days off. Hyunkyun drops him off in front of the Chinese restaurant Liyin claims has the most amazing beef noodle soup. When he enters the restaurant, he sees Liyin sitting discreetly in a corner and waves to her as he walks over.
“How have you been? I heard your comeback’s coming up,” Liyin says after they’ve ordered.
“Tired, but it’s the usual. They’re announcing our comeback date to the public in two weeks,” Lu Han replies
She smiles comfortingly. “You get used to it. How’s Jongdae?”
Lu Han is caught off guard by the question. “Jongdae? He’s fine, I guess…” Lu Han trails off as he thinks of how Jongdae’s been avoiding him lately. “Well, he’s not really talking to me these days. He’ll barely even look at me.”
“Really? I didn’t know it was that bad,” Liyin muses.
“What?”
“Nothing. Jongdae mentioned something, but I didn’t think he was avoiding you,” Liyin says.
“What did he say?” Lu Han asks anxiously. He’ll take any hint of why Jongdae’s upset with him, as desperate as he probably seems.
“Just something,” Liyin says vaguely. She smiles mysteriously, eyes unreadable.
Their food arrives before Lu Han can protest, and Liyin changes the topic to reminiscing about China and its food. A part of Lu Han’s mind remains on what she says while he allows himself to be carried back to the memories of his home country.
Before she leaves, Liyin gives him a loose hug and a pat on the shoulder, telling him, “You’ll figure it out.”
The week before their comeback, all of EXO have huge bags under their eyes and patience running low. Junmyeon’s criticisms are harsher than usual, and everyone’s frustration crackles in the air. After the tenth time of repeating the bridge because Baekhyun can’t keep his feet in the right place, Chanyeol throws his snapback on the floor and walks out of the practice room. They remain still for a moment before half of the group is following him. Lu Han and Jongdae both stay rooted in place, watching as Junmyeon opens his mouth to yell at them to come back but stops when even Kris walks out. Junmyeon’s shoulders slump, his utter exhaustion obvious now that he let his strong front down. Lu Han, Jongdae, Junmyeon, Jongin, and Yixing sit in a circle in the center of the room sharing small words of comfort but mostly drawing reassurance from each other’s presence.
Jongdae acts less distant after the incident. He smiles at Lu Han when he passes him and sometimes sits beside him on the couch. Lu Han is surprised at first but adapts quickly, falling into a friendly routine, not too close but not too far.
Yixing asks him one day as they’re about to fall asleep, “Have you still not figured it out?”
Lu Han doesn’t answer. He hasn’t, but he thinks maybe it’ll be okay even if he doesn’t. Jongdae is slowly opening back up to him. Any confrontation could stop any progress he had made, and that’s the last thing he wants right now.
He sits next to Jongdae in the van on the way to their first comeback stage. As they leave the car, Lu Han automatically takes Jongdae’s hand to keep them together as they weave through the fans. Jongdae laces their fingers and doesn’t let go even when they’ve entered the building. Baekhyun bumps into his shoulder lightly as he walks past and wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, looking at their linked hands. Lu Han rolls his eyes but lets go of Jongdae’s hand.
Their first week of promotions goes successfully. The fans are always extra passionate after they’ve been gone for a while, and the fanchants almost overpowered them. They win all the music shows the following week, and Lu Han throws an arm around Jongdae’s shoulders as he belts out the chorus. The two of them sing to the audience with the same microphone, producing piercing screams from the fans for the fanservice. Lu Han exchanges elated grins with Jongdae, and they form a heart with their arms for even more screams.
Lu Han doesn’t get it until Jongdae kisses him backstage after they win a triple crown on M! Countdown. Whistling and catcalling come from the other members, most likely the maknaes and Chanyeol, while Baekhyun yells at them to get a room, and Jongdae gives them the finger and continues kissing him. Jongdae’s lips are chapped but just as good if not better than Lu Han had imagined. He tilts his head and puts a hand on the back of Jongdae’s neck to kiss him harder.
Jongdae’s lips are swollen red when they pull apart, but his eyes are brighter than ever before. Lu Han feels a thrill that this was his doing, and Jongdae presses their lips together briefly, murmuring in his ear that they need to talk later.
Lu Han gets pulled into Jongdae’s room after dinner while the others sit around the TV watching some terribly cliched drama. The door is barely closed when Jongdae tugs him down by his shirt into a hard kiss, skipping straight to licking into Lu Han’s mouth. He moans and pulls Jongdae closer until their bodies are pressed together.
Jongdae breaks the kiss first, panting and mouth a beautiful shade of red. “As much as I’d just like to keep kissing you, we do need to talk.”
“I’ve liked you for a long time, maybe even since before debut. But you’re Lu Han, you’re ridiculously caring towards everyone and I never knew if I ever meant more to you than anyone else,” Jongdae explains.
“You do,” Lu Han interjects softly.
“I thought I was being obvious about liking you, but you never noticed. Literally everyone else knows, even the sunbaes. I thought you didn’t like me, but then you pulled that passive-aggressive shit when I was practicing and promoting Breath and I didn’t know what to think. So I distanced myself to make myself get over you, but obviously it didn’t really work out. I would’ve just sucked it up, but Liyin-noona, Yixing-hyung, and even Junmyeon-hyung told me I should fix things with you. Liyin-noona told me you liked me too even if you had a crappy way of showing it and told me to just go for it, and well.” Jongdae grins unashamedly.
“I thought you liked Liyin because you were always talking about her,” Lu Han admits. “And then I thought I did something wrong, but I didn’t know what. So I just let you do what you wanted because I didn’t want to upset you.”
Jongdae snorts. “Liyin-noona told me you’d probably made that conclusion because you have extremely selective sight. I always liked you.”
“You should’ve just told me,” Lu Han huffs.
The younger man rolls his eyes. “Just shut up and kiss me, idiot.”
Lu Han could never deny Jongdae anything, so he links their fingers and seals their mouths in another kiss.