(no subject)
today i was sad.
obviously.
everyone noticed.
i didn't want them to.
it just happened.
its the way i work.
needless to say i'm still mad. no, its not so much that i'm mad. its more that i'm...annoyed. and confused. dissapointed. and i'm just, not sure of myself anymore. and ok, i think that i've learned a lot about myself. i think that i tried to convince myself that i didn't really want to be on the team. i kept telling people (and myself) that there was this part of me that didn't want to make it. fake. i wanted to. i just didn't realize how much. now its too late.
okay, here comes the ranting part. i just think that there was a way for all of the people who suffered through try outs for the whole week to be on the team. i mean, i think that the fact that nearly 20 people "cut themselves" from tryouts for whatever reason means something. doesn't it mean anything that we went the whole week? does that not prove our commitment? but no, (no offense to freshman or anything...) but there is a freshman team for a reason. i think its great that there are so many awesome frosh players out there, but i don't think that 3 sophmores should be cut from the only available team. the freshman team isn't even full. and there are players on that team that don't really want to be there. couldn't they just have filled the freshman team up first? there were enough players to. i feel...cheated on. taken advantage of almost.
so, what to do now? who knows. coach gary and mark said that they wanted us (juliet and i) to "be a part of the team". "team managers" maybe. everyone says that that would be cool. i'm not so sure. like, what would i do? i don't think i'd feel a part of the team but rather that girl who follows the team around. like, i want to be part of the team. but then again, i think that it would be wierd. would you think it would be wierd? having me like...back?
ok, at this point. i think i'm over analyzing everything. everything happens for a reason. maybe this will open up new doors. ugh. but i don't want a new door. i want the old door.
i need to stop being sad. i guess i just feel like i'm not really living life to it's full extent. like i'm kinda doing the same thing over and over again. and i have no excitment in my life. i look at some people and they just have it set. i want that more than anything. actually, i guess i just don't feel like...i'm loved. like truly. not like "oh, hannah, i love you." but like really. nevermind.