re: fandom and antagonists
This is not at anyone in particular. This /is/ about a character in particular. This is re: things I've seen on tumblr, though I haven't decided if I'll cross post it yet.
This is mostly ranting. I don't know if my emotions are justified, but they are certainly in existance.
Yes, I identify with the antagonist. Yes, I sympathize with his obvious mental illness, the symptoms of which sometimes match my own. Yes, I still think he's a terrible person who needs his head kicked in.
I can identify with a character while acknowledging that he's an antagonist. I can sympathize and still think he needs to be stopped.
Look. The villains I find compelling, the ones I tend to write myself, are and always have been reflections of myself. They are the monsters in the bottom of my mind, the Bad End versions of myself. They are the people the people that I could become, if I let myself: they are arrogance, thinking I know best for everyone - they are thoughtlessness, forgetting that other people matter relative to what I want - they are pain and panic, lashing out without regard for the consequences.
They are me, and they are terrifying and compelling and sympathetic because of it.
I am, and always have been, /terrified/ of what I am capable of. Of what my illness can make me do, to say nothing of the traits I have no excuse for. There is a part of my brain that is a pathetic, terrified, snarling /animal/ and the fact that I have to ritually /murder/ that part of myself doesn't mean it's not a part of me. That it doesn't deserve the same concern and sympathy and pity as the rest of me.
And then some people said: "Well, what about (hero) with similar traits?" And yeah, sure. Surely I'd want to see a /good/ person with those traits, right? Positive portrayals and all.
Well, it doesn't quite work that way. Aside from the normal problem of heroes not generally having these traits, a hero being compelling on the same level as the villain has happened in my experience /once/. (It's Sam Vimes, fyi. Just him. Though Granny Weatherwax comes close.) And it doesn't work, because heroism means overcoming those sick parts of yourself, being strong enough to do what needs to be done even through all the things inside of your brain that tells you not to.
And there are times when I am not strong enough to do that. Heroes are heroes because they can win that war, and sometimes I feel like I am on the losing side of the battle. And /that/ is why I identify with the villains, with the antagonists, the fuck ups - because sometimes those are the people I can look at and think, "yeah, that's how i feel."
Am I still worthy of love, even when I'm not strong enough to win against myself? Do I deserve any sympathy when the worst parts of me are too strong to fight?
I want to think so. So I think it's only fair that I offer the characters I identify with the same. I can't do anything less, not without hating myself even more than I already do.
This is mostly ranting. I don't know if my emotions are justified, but they are certainly in existance.
Yes, I identify with the antagonist. Yes, I sympathize with his obvious mental illness, the symptoms of which sometimes match my own. Yes, I still think he's a terrible person who needs his head kicked in.
I can identify with a character while acknowledging that he's an antagonist. I can sympathize and still think he needs to be stopped.
Look. The villains I find compelling, the ones I tend to write myself, are and always have been reflections of myself. They are the monsters in the bottom of my mind, the Bad End versions of myself. They are the people the people that I could become, if I let myself: they are arrogance, thinking I know best for everyone - they are thoughtlessness, forgetting that other people matter relative to what I want - they are pain and panic, lashing out without regard for the consequences.
They are me, and they are terrifying and compelling and sympathetic because of it.
I am, and always have been, /terrified/ of what I am capable of. Of what my illness can make me do, to say nothing of the traits I have no excuse for. There is a part of my brain that is a pathetic, terrified, snarling /animal/ and the fact that I have to ritually /murder/ that part of myself doesn't mean it's not a part of me. That it doesn't deserve the same concern and sympathy and pity as the rest of me.
And then some people said: "Well, what about (hero) with similar traits?" And yeah, sure. Surely I'd want to see a /good/ person with those traits, right? Positive portrayals and all.
Well, it doesn't quite work that way. Aside from the normal problem of heroes not generally having these traits, a hero being compelling on the same level as the villain has happened in my experience /once/. (It's Sam Vimes, fyi. Just him. Though Granny Weatherwax comes close.) And it doesn't work, because heroism means overcoming those sick parts of yourself, being strong enough to do what needs to be done even through all the things inside of your brain that tells you not to.
And there are times when I am not strong enough to do that. Heroes are heroes because they can win that war, and sometimes I feel like I am on the losing side of the battle. And /that/ is why I identify with the villains, with the antagonists, the fuck ups - because sometimes those are the people I can look at and think, "yeah, that's how i feel."
Am I still worthy of love, even when I'm not strong enough to win against myself? Do I deserve any sympathy when the worst parts of me are too strong to fight?
I want to think so. So I think it's only fair that I offer the characters I identify with the same. I can't do anything less, not without hating myself even more than I already do.