this is life
for the past week, i thought i was dying or at least wasting away. i've had a continuous fever since saturday afternoon that has not subsided until this evening. my chest felt so tight, i could barely breathe. my entire body hurt. stress aggravates the breathing, so they gave me an inhaler and 3 days clearance from work. it still doesn't feel like enough, my body feels at like 50 percent. and yet i'm expected to return tomorrow to give 100% and then overtime in prep for open house and again on friday and again on saturday. i can't take it! i've been taking so many different drugs and i was prescribed even more. all i know is i still feel shitty. it's been so hard to sleep, either i get boiling hot, or i'm freezing cold. my mom rubbed rubbing alcohol all over me last nite, the smell is AWFUL! albeit, it worked but only temporarily.
i've got so much shit to do with regards to work and school and today my mom called me from work and she basically was my wake up call to what i already had swirling around in my head for the past few months.
i cannot deal with school and the amount of stress/work i am getting at work. there's so much shit going on at work. my mom was telling me when you find a job that you are happy at, it won't feel like work. when i first started working at the school, that's how it felt. i love, absolutely love working with children, but it's all the politics, and the shit behind it that is driving me to anxiety attacks. i am grateful that i've gained 3 years of ece experience, but i think it's time for me to pursue other pursuits. i am planning on giving my notice to my director when i return to work on friday. i only plan to complete the school year up to june at that place. it's not like it's a terrible place to work for, granted they have been very understanding with regards to some personal family/illness issues, but there's unfair practices going on, uncalled for talk behind others backs, lack of organization/enforcement of supposed policies, arguments, noncompliance with some labor laws from what i hear. i mean you could do a million good things, but somehow, they find one error and that's it, you are an asshole. they overlook the positive results and feedback and always focus on negative shit and i'm tired of dealing with it. it is no longer a place of happiness for me, it has become a drag to report for work and have to face all the underlying things going around. it is time for me to move on and focus on finishing school. i'm not blaiming work for not completing school but it's put a severe delay on me finishing and i need to get out of mt.sac, i've been there too long, i feel like i'm not going anywhere. i was even thinking of saying fuck school and go into a vocation program like culinary arts school. my dad was almost finished with his training but he didn't quite finish. i thought maybe i could do that.
another big problem, a car of my own. it sucks. i can pay for a car as long as it's reasonable and works you know? my mom has been lagging on giving me her car and getting herself the car of her dreams. so i dunno.
i started looking into other jobs, i really would like to work in a place like starbucks. it always smells wonderful. i love the smell of coffee. and my hours would be somewhat flexible, not superly strict and set. i think i could handle it. i'm applying at the one near my house and i'm going to a hiring fair in april in buena park. even if i have to drive out there to work, i wouldn't mind. i also applied today to a circuit city online and i got an interview set up for Saturday at 3:30! it's doing customer service, which i don't mind either. my mom is encouraging me to try to finish up some ece units and take the proficiency test in her district to be placed on a sub list. so she's looking into that for me.
this summer, i want to spend as much time looking after my babygirl jalen, my baby niece, i want to be a part of her growing up and development and teach her all the fun things like colors and letters and all that good stuff. i don't care about money or taking payment for it, all that matters is being around her. things are up in the air though and up to my brother and sisterinlaw. hopefully it works out.
school is another thing, i might have to drop all my classes for this semester, due to being sick so much, i've been out a lot and there's no way i'm gonna pass them. my ass needs to get in gear by the fall. i want out of there. at least to say i finished something.
i have a couple of amazingly wonderful friends in my life. i do not have very many close friends, but i do have to say thank you to a couple for all their thoughts and encouragement:
i've got so much shit to do with regards to work and school and today my mom called me from work and she basically was my wake up call to what i already had swirling around in my head for the past few months.
i cannot deal with school and the amount of stress/work i am getting at work. there's so much shit going on at work. my mom was telling me when you find a job that you are happy at, it won't feel like work. when i first started working at the school, that's how it felt. i love, absolutely love working with children, but it's all the politics, and the shit behind it that is driving me to anxiety attacks. i am grateful that i've gained 3 years of ece experience, but i think it's time for me to pursue other pursuits. i am planning on giving my notice to my director when i return to work on friday. i only plan to complete the school year up to june at that place. it's not like it's a terrible place to work for, granted they have been very understanding with regards to some personal family/illness issues, but there's unfair practices going on, uncalled for talk behind others backs, lack of organization/enforcement of supposed policies, arguments, noncompliance with some labor laws from what i hear. i mean you could do a million good things, but somehow, they find one error and that's it, you are an asshole. they overlook the positive results and feedback and always focus on negative shit and i'm tired of dealing with it. it is no longer a place of happiness for me, it has become a drag to report for work and have to face all the underlying things going around. it is time for me to move on and focus on finishing school. i'm not blaiming work for not completing school but it's put a severe delay on me finishing and i need to get out of mt.sac, i've been there too long, i feel like i'm not going anywhere. i was even thinking of saying fuck school and go into a vocation program like culinary arts school. my dad was almost finished with his training but he didn't quite finish. i thought maybe i could do that.
another big problem, a car of my own. it sucks. i can pay for a car as long as it's reasonable and works you know? my mom has been lagging on giving me her car and getting herself the car of her dreams. so i dunno.
i started looking into other jobs, i really would like to work in a place like starbucks. it always smells wonderful. i love the smell of coffee. and my hours would be somewhat flexible, not superly strict and set. i think i could handle it. i'm applying at the one near my house and i'm going to a hiring fair in april in buena park. even if i have to drive out there to work, i wouldn't mind. i also applied today to a circuit city online and i got an interview set up for Saturday at 3:30! it's doing customer service, which i don't mind either. my mom is encouraging me to try to finish up some ece units and take the proficiency test in her district to be placed on a sub list. so she's looking into that for me.
this summer, i want to spend as much time looking after my babygirl jalen, my baby niece, i want to be a part of her growing up and development and teach her all the fun things like colors and letters and all that good stuff. i don't care about money or taking payment for it, all that matters is being around her. things are up in the air though and up to my brother and sisterinlaw. hopefully it works out.
school is another thing, i might have to drop all my classes for this semester, due to being sick so much, i've been out a lot and there's no way i'm gonna pass them. my ass needs to get in gear by the fall. i want out of there. at least to say i finished something.
i have a couple of amazingly wonderful friends in my life. i do not have very many close friends, but i do have to say thank you to a couple for all their thoughts and encouragement:
- Vaderpants
dude, you rule! you are a great friend and i'm glad we are friends. you care so much and i care about you too dude! thank you for your wishes for me to get better and we need Coldstone soon! come see Sin City with me!!!
- Nan*C
girl, you are my bestest friend ever! i know we don't see each other as much as we'd like to but when we do, it's like time never passes and i love you to death. i'm here for you always no matter what. you are always in my prayers!
i feel a sense of metamorphisis approaching. i know it sounds corny with spring coming up and all, but i feel like i need to jump out of my cycle of going nowhere fast. i guess you could say it started with the haircut, i am in need of change. my mom told me, "you know mija, change is good, be it little, be it drastic, we all need it sometimes."
my mom is the bestest. she heals my wounds, she gives the best hugs, she knows the right words to say, she makes my every day. i hope that if i ever become a mother, that i will do her proud and be just as amazing as she is. i love you mom. thank you for always being the light in my darkened paths, you light the way and make the world of the Delfins a magical place.
i'm too young to be this stressed out. this anxiety-ed out. at this rate i won't make it to 30.
i'm going to be 23. :( another year, another number.
on top of all this, i started the dreadful .
this is going to be a sucky week.
in good news, i found 20 bucks in my cell fone case. WOOOO, it bought me powerade for the dehydration and a supply of soup for the week. soup is about the only thing i can eat right now.
wish me luck with the interview.
and life itself.
my cell fone contract that is tied to ben's finally ends in july. thank GOD! i never have to deal with him again after that cuz i'm getting my own line and hopefully a spiffy new fancypants fone.
i end my entry on this tonite:
in the words of the great 50 Cent:
"tomorrow is never promised..."
goodnite all.