(no subject)
Last night was crap. I just lost it. Normal OMG COLLEGE IS STRESSING ME OUT bullshit, and then...
...underlying shit? Lies? TOO MANY LIES.
It's kind of scary, how hard it is to lie. How hard it is to hide the parts of your life that would so easily make everyone understand what's up.
But I learned my lesson.
As it is I'm extremely...
...whiney? :) I talk a LOT about the shit that's going on...
...and never dramatize.
I think I used to.
I'm old now, who cares?
Today was pretty good, or, it wasn't in too many ways bad so that makes it good? Talking out of my ass.
Hughes is planning to fail me out of spite. EVERYONE saw me hand in the work. She "doesn't remember it."
...FUCK!
I almost passed out in anatomy. Ironically we were watching this video on this SUPER GROSS shoulder surgery thing...
...that I might have to get done. HOLY SHIT.
The general point in being asleep during it is so you don't have to see that!
AHH!
(That's actually not the point at all but WHATEVER I'M DUMB LEAVE ME ALONE!)
I got bitched out a lot today by like teachers and stuff...
...they're all super pissy lately. Slightly crazy.
"I'M INTELLIGENT I CHOSE MY JOB AND I'M HAPPY WITH IT!"
:)
UHM Emphasis after school, my writing skills are severely lacking. I've become so focused on me (DISGUSTING, I know) that I don't know how to write as anyone else. Like I'm writing from a soldier's point of view and it still sounds like ME.
...I'm very disappointed in myself.
I've let all of my abilities just fade like crazy. I can't think and I'm not smart and I'm not creative or artistic or good at anything anymore but I'm working on it so that's good...
...life's hard man.
UM I'm in love, and um, that's cool.
Um...
Too many ums I'm really like out of it today.
I'm really worried about the letter.
It's less than a week, maybe just a few days...
...and my entire future is riding on that.
Life, death...50/50.
That's kind of surreal I guess, I'm just lost in all of it.
It's hard to accept things like that, because you always talk about it I guess? Whatever.
Tonight is Chinese food/movie night, so that's good. I figured I needed a break from my usual nightly routine, which I think I let slip and of course you know how I am I let it slip and suddenly my compulsions lead me to tell the whole world my personal life...
DAMN I miss when all I told were lies.
Then I had the whole world knowing my everything, only it wasn't real. I still had MY life.
A few people lately have been saying then want me to get "help"...
...but are THEY helping me?
Kind of a contradiction. "You need help, but I'm not going to give it to you."
I think the fact that my health has gone back to where it once was has inspired regression in other aspects of my life, pain management, slightly less productive forms of sublimation, and just a general self abusive habbit.
That was all what, 3 years ago?
It's weird.
It's weird to have grown so much and have learned so much and then go back to a place where you used to be uncomfortable and then all of a sudden it's home.
...I don't like it.
It's too EASY.
I don't like easy.
That's why I am where I am I guess.
I hate it, but I wouldn't trade it.
I guess because it's all I know.
I think I'm going to start a band.