Totally lost...
Ok, to start off. I feel lonely. It is very strange, but it seems like everyone's gone. Troy in Alaska, Angel in Ecuador, Thomas/Corey in DCI and half the brotherhood off in their homelands. I know I have some peeps I can talk to but sometimes, I dunno. Most everyone is busy most of the time. I really miss Troy, especially since there have been some developments in my thought processes in the past two days that I wish I could share with him. Ever since yesterday, I feel totally alone.
Not only that but my career/schooling has taken a turn for the weird. Like a week ago, I feel like I am not going to accomplish as much as I want/could. Thanks to Angela's wonderful quote, I know I wont fail. I will continue, yet I am confused and scared. VERY SCARED. I am afraid of becoming mediocre, retarded. Of failing school, or hell, having a bad GPA. As the fall nears I am TERRIFIED of all the classes I am taking. I am finally on track for music AND astronomy. It's actually starting to feel like college, or at least the amount of stress is. Last semester I only took 15 credits and died. Not really died, per se, but I was pulling almost-all-nighters 2-3 times a week. Not to mention, I practiced my ass off on trombone, barely improved and even though I felt I kicked ass in studio, I totally got the same grade I did first semester. No improvement at all...
John Corigliano. He's the man. I was thinking about it and I had even discussed this with Troy: he is everything I aspire to be. The man composes, has composed for movies and teaches at FREAKING JUILLIARD! He won a pulitzer, grammy and oscar. If he's not the epitome of what I want to be, I know not who is.
After thinking about that for awhile I came to the conclusion that I really need to practice my ass off. In theory, in trombone, in composition. It's not too late. But do I have time? I can't have fun. Well, not like I have been. I need to focus, I need to be disciplined. Should I drop my minor in Astro? I do not know...
Why does life have to be so complicated? I really do not know. It's like physics. I hate physics...retarded worthless crap to me. Sure, important, but why should I give a damn whether I know the magnetic field for a toroid or the electrostatic force between two electrons in a conducting sphere?
Some people have natural talent. George has perfect pitch, Joel is an amazing bone player, Troy is an amazing english person. I don't have these qualities. I have a love for music, sure, but is that truly enough? I mean, I can practice, I can write, I can do everything in my power to develop my skill. Practice doesn't make perfect though...it can't. There is NO perfection. At least not from practice. Einstein didn't have to practice coming up with relativity, it was just there, in his head. Mozart knew the music he was writing right off the top of his head. Newton just imagined how gravity worked. Sure, he had to derive the formulas and stuff, but he knew how to do that. Plus, the man INVENTED calculus!
Perhaps that's why Amadeus is my favorite movie. There is a god, shown to be Mozart. Why do I think he's the god? Because he is the epitome of what Salieri wants to be, yet he is mocked by this "creature." Even so, Salieri worships his music. I am scared of becoming Salieri. Salieri's music was hailed throughout Europe for about a decade. He was trained to be a musician, in every manner possible. He had connections with famous opera/libretto writers. He stayed with one court for over 30 years!! Yet, his music is not remembered since it was overshadowed by greatness, by perfection. It isn't known whether he killed Mozart or not (I doubt he did) and even though he had great music (or so they say) and was actually quite humanitarian, he has been forgotten in the chronicles of time. He is now only remembered as a murderer...so sad.
Here's the email I wrote to Dr. Jennings and Dr. Basler:
"I am writing this email because I sort of need career/school "advisement," and well, I consider both of you to be the professors that know me the best, Dr. Basler in composition and Dr. Jennings in performance.
Currently I am planning on Majoring in Music Composition (as both of you know) and minoring in Astronomy. Currently I am taking Summer C Physics 2 with calc and of course, I am busting my butt trying to get a good grade. I am also taking Theory 2 and Piano Skills 2. My grade in Theory is currently suffering from my lack of "aural" skills, yet I am working on them and they will *hopefully* develop faster.
While I want to minor in Astronomy in order to pursue it as a hobby and become better rounded, I have been suffering much in physics 2 (partly due to the fact that I have not taken calc 3). This hardship has seriously caused me to rethink my choice in my minor. I have come up with several solutions yet cannot truly take one without your input.
One of my solutions is to continue with the minor, no questions asked. I have weighed this to be the hardest option, though, as I can see myself taking 18-21 credits per semester in order to accomplish it. Last semester I only took 15 and while I felt somewhat stressed, I still did not accomplish all that I wanted.
My second solution is to take the first couple of Astronomy classes to see how I fare. Of course, I am a bit hesitant to do this since I do not want to endanger my GPA and my "drops." The credits would be the same as above.
My third solution would be to drop the minor completely. I would finish my GEN-ED's and be able to focus more on my musical studies.
While the third option would be the easiest, I wouldn't want to do that right off the bat. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I need some type of well...encouragement/rating on my musical abilities according what you as professors think of me. If I were to actually drop this minor and focus on my musical studies, do you personally and truly believe that I would seriously excel or should I continue on my merry way and minor in this field which I would merely consider a hobby?
Lately I have been extremely stressed and worried, mostly about theory. While I am great at the written part, the aural part scares me. I want to teach theory and of course, compose, so if I can't even hear this stuff, it bothers me that I will spend 4-10 years studying music only to fail at it. The same with trombone. I know that if I practice hard I will excel. Yet, I always kick myself while I am down and get even worse when I realize I cannot play a lick right off the bat or my breath support isn't the best. I suppose I need a sort of "musical" counseling when it comes to this. I love it to death but am terrified to death of being mediocre.
Please reply to this with utmost honesty. I really need an objective point of view. Also, as musicians having experienced the collegiate systems, do you guys believe that this minor would really be seen as prestigious by graduate schools (for music) or would they not even bother? Would they see it as, 'wow, she took higher level maths and sciences!' or as, 'Oh well, big deal. What's her true musical ability, astronomy is bogus'?
Thanks for your time. I know this email was a little long and perhaps a bit of rambling but this decision has been bugging me like crazy."
We will see what happens...