Birth Story
This is really late and REALLY long, so I understand if you don't read it. I mostly wrote it so I'd have it for myself when I forget some of the details and also for the pregnancy communities I was most active in when I was pregnant with Caelan. But I would love it if you did read it. Be forewarned that it gets a teensy bit graphic and personal!
My blood pressure began creeping up around 34 weeks. My OB initially wasn't concerned, but it started to get dangerously high around 37 weeks. That's when induction started to look like a real possibility, which scared and upset me. I did the blood tests and the urine catch for pre-eclampsia and they all came back normal, but my blood pressure continued to hit levels that alarmed my OB so we scheduled an induction for Monday, September 10th when I would be 39 weeks, 2 days. I went in the Friday before for a non-stress test to make sure I'd be okay to wait until Monday and, while the non-stress test was fine, my blood pressure was through the roof. My OB sent me over to Labor and Delivery for another non-stress test (on a better machine) and more blood and urine tests. All of those tests showed that the baby was fine and I wasn't spilling protein or showing any other symptoms of pre-e, so we went home for the weekend and planned to go to the hospital to be induced on Monday. My OB assured me that I was a good candidate for induction (1cm dilated, 75% effaced), but I still wept all weekend! I was terrified of being induced because I'd heard horrible things about Pitocin and feared terrible contractions and ending up with a C-section. I was also disappointed that I wouldn't get that surprise of spontaneously going into labor and also laboring at home for as long as possible. But I wanted my baby to be okay and I didn't want to suddenly need an emergency C-section because I tried to wait it out and ended up having seizures from my high blood pressure or something horrible like that. So, on Monday morning, off to the hospital we went.
Andy and I met Nichole, our doula, in the waiting room of Labor and Delivery around 7:00 AM. She had her birthing ball and asked why I didn't have mine. I told her that my OB had told me I would have to labor in bed. He said my movement would be restricted to just changing positions in bed once I was hooked up to the IV. She basically said that was bullshit and that, although we probably couldn't walk the halls because of the IV and my blood pressure, I certainly didn't need to stay in bed. I was instantly relieved. I will probably say this a million more times, but having a doula made every second of my induction, labor, and delivery better. I would never even consider going through subsequent pregnancies without one. She was absolutely amazing from start to finish. Anyway, we all went in after that and I was shown to my room. We unpacked what we wanted out and I got into a gown and into bed. A little while later, the nurses came to check me in officially and get my heplock ready for the Pitocin and IV fluids I'd be getting when my OB arrived. That was a process in itself. The first nurse tried unsuccessfully twice before Nichole sent her away and asked for the IV team instead. The nurse from the IV team came and did it painlessly, then my OB got there a little later (maybe 8ish?) and broke my water. Um, OW. I can't believe people say that doesn't hurt. It hurt. It really hurt. My OB then said he'd have the nurses start the Pitocin and be back a few hours later to check on my progress. After all was said and done, I probably got the Pitocin drip around 8:45 AM. I started having small contractions almost immediately. The first thing I noticed was that they were in my back, which surprised me. According to my OB, my baby had been in the correct position for labor for weeks already, so it never occurred to me that I would have the back labor generally associated with posterior babies. I thought maybe it was just a fluke and that once my active labor contractions started, they wouldn't be in my back anymore.
Since inductions usually take a really long time (my OB predicted my labor would be around 18 hours), Nichole left to go to her day job and said to call her as soon as I wanted her back. She figured (as did Andy and I) that I'd be in early labor for several hours. After she left, Andy and I turned on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and figured it was the beginning of a mini movie marathon. However, before long, my contractions started getting a lot more painful. My mom, Andy's mom, and Andy's sister were heading to the hospital because we figured it would be nice for them to come distract us during early labor. By the time they arrived, I was already in extreme pain. Since I was already in a lot of pain, they planned to come in one at a time. I asked for my mom first. Well, my mom never left and no one else ever got to come in! Things were crazy from there on out. By the time my mom got into the room, I had already asked Andy to get Nichole back. I have no idea what time it was. I pretty much lost my concept of time once the contractions got bad! All I know is that it was early enough that I thought I was still in early labor and felt like a complete wimp for not being able to handle it. I felt silly calling Nichole when it was still morning because I didn't expect to need her again until at least dinner time! I felt like a jackass for planning a natural birth with no pain medication when I couldn't even handle early labor! I didn't find this out until later, but at that point I was already in active labor. It didn't occur to me at the time that it was even possible for me to be in active labor, because I literally only had, like, five or six early labor contractions before going into active labor.
While waiting for Nichole, Andy and my mom helped me get through the contractions, which were all completely in my back. To this day, I have no idea what a normal labor contraction feels like, because I had all back labor. I stayed in bed, sitting up and gripping Andy's and my mom's hands. At that point, I started talking about pain medication, even though I had desperately wanted as natural a birth as possible. But I just couldn't imagine a zillion more hours of what I was already feeling, not to mention the idea that it would get worse. When Nichole got there, she took charge immediately. She made me get out of bed and put the birthing ball on the bed. I stood on one side of the bed and leaned over onto the birthing ball. Andy was on the other side holding my hands, keeping me steady, and talking me through contractions, while Nichole was basically under me, letting me rest my body weight on her and take some of the pressure off my lower back. Both she and Andy were absolutely amazing. They got me through each contraction despite me screaming at the top of my lungs and continuing to say I couldn't do it. Andy kept telling me what an awesome job I was doing and Nichole helped me stop screaming and turn my desire to make noise into low guttural moans that actually helped move the baby down. She also didn't complain when I peed all over her. Yes, folks, I peed on my doula.
After awhile, the nurses heard how loud I was already getting and realized I was probably already in active labor. This part is all a big haze for me, but at some point my OB was called back over and it was determined that I was 5 cm dilated at that point. After he left again, I did some more contractions on the ball then switched over to a position in which I was kneeling backwards in bed with the top part of the bed almost vertical and the top part of me sort of hanging over the back. Seriously, guys, it was so unbelievably painful I kept thinking there was no way I could go on (not that I had a choice). I believe I murmured something about pain medication a few times, but Andy and Nichole knew I didn't really mean it so they changed the subject and gave me other ways to cope. My mom was also there telling me how well I was doing... she was initially just coming in for a visit, but things got so painful so quickly that I didn't want my mommy to leave!
I started to feel the urge to push and my OB came back to check me again. He determined that I was fully dilated, so it was go time! It took me a little while to get the hang of pushing in the most efficient way, but once I got it things went pretty quickly. I have no idea how many pushes it took, but after pushing for about a half hour, my son was born! Caelan Louis McIlwraith was born at 1:29 PM. I had a mirror, so I was able to actually see him coming out of me. It was unbelievable! I think the first thing I said was "Is he okay?" He was placed on my chest immediately and it was amazing. Unfortunately, I didn't get to keep him with me for as long as I had hoped when writing my birth plan because I had massive tearing that my doctor had to stitch up, and he needed me to be completely still because it was a really ragged and complex tear. So the nurses took the baby to do all the traditional newborn baby stuff. He scored 9 and then another 9 on the Apgar. He weighed 7 lb, 12 oz and was 21 1/4 inches tall. Andy got to hold him again pretty quickly and brought him for me to see while I was being sewn up. When the doctor was finally done (at least 45 minutes later!), I was allowed to breastfeed for the first time and Caelan latched right on. That made me cry even more than seeing and holding him for the first time. It was such an instant and amazing bond.
Happiness of having the baby aside, my tearing was horrendous. It was both internal and external and went from my vagina all the way up to my clitoris. My doctor had a horrible time sewing me up and the process was excruciating for me, because he was numbing little spots with Lidocane, so I was dealing with pain and stinging from that, and then sometimes he would hit a spot he hadn't numbed. I was actually shuddering and nearly convulsing the whole time, which is why I couldn't hold Caelan while he was doing it. I was gripping Nichole's hand the entire time (again, folks, get yourself a doula!). It was nearly as painful as the damn contractions! While sewing me up, my doctor kept saying scary things like "I've never seen tearing like this before!" and "This is a tough one!" My whole labor and delivery was kind of like that. My body responded to the Pitocin like crazy! I got the IV around 8:45, only had one increase in it (don't remember what time), was in active labor within a couple hours of the beginning of the induction, and had Caelan at 1:29. My whole labor and delivery was around 5 hours. Even though it was short, it was unbelievably intense. Nichole says it was the quickest induction she's ever attended and many of the nurses said it was their quickest was well. My contractions came on fast and VIOLENTLY and were only a minute or two apart right away. My delivery was pretty violent as well, hence the horrible tearing. I am relieved that I was able to deliver vaginally but probably would have traded my quick, violent labor for a longer, less intense one. Thank you, Pitocin! So, overall, I guess I'd say my induction went well. I did feel empowered during my labor and was able to get through it without any pain medication and using techniques Andy and I had planned for with our doula during my pregnancy. But I do still crave the experience of going into labor naturally, and I'd be interested to see the difference between induced contractions and "real" ones.
The real trouble for me kicked in after labor and delivery. I don't think I had any real concept of how much residual pain there would be from the tearing and the back labor. We were in the hospital for about 48 hours after Caelan's birth. During that time, I could barely get out of bed. I got dizzy and thought I was going to pass out every time I even tried to go to the bathroom. I couldn't hold my son while standing and I couldn't manuever him at all while holding him in bed because even moving an inch caused paralyzing pain. My legs would start randomly convulsing and I couldn't stop it from happening. The whole situation was just miserable. My doctor came back to check on me both mornings that we were in the hospital and I just kept telling him that I didn't even feel a tiny bit better. He told me it could be a long time before I felt at all better because my tearing was so severe. He kept saying he had never seen a tear like mine before. Things went from bad to worse when we left the hospital. I couldn't do anything with Caelan aside from nurse him because I couldn't even stand up straight and could barely even sit up. Even lying down was painful. Every tiny move I tried to make led to excrutiating pain. I cried all the time and kept getting more and more frustrated. The only thing that kept me feeling okay was getting to breastfeed my son. Then, the day after we left the hospital, Andy and I took Caelan to the pediatrician and found out he'd lost a ton of weight... way beyond what's normal. My milk still hadn't come in and though Caelan was getting colostrum, he didn't seem to be getting enough. The pediatrician (who, for the record, was an incredible bitch) recommended supplementing with formula, which absolutely broke my heart. All I wanted in the world was to breastfeed my son and now that was being taken from me as well. The whole story of this mess would get a little long if I wrote it all out because it involves arguments with pediatricians and desperate calls to lactation consultants, but basically my milk never completely came in and we did have to begin formula supplements. I sobbed about it and felt like a failure. Basically, the lactation consultants I worked with believe that the pain and trauma from my delivery caused my body to shut down and that's why I ended up with low supply. My milk did trickle in after about a week but it took awhile to build up my supply. I ended up spending the first couple weeks of my son's life in tremendous physical pain plus miserable because I felt I was failing at breastfeeding. I rented the hospital grade pump but my supply actually didn't go up until I ditched the pumping and just started nursing for hours and hours and hours at a time. That, coupled with Fenugreek supplements, got me to the point where I was able to begin exclusively breastfeeding when Caelan was around a month old. We've never looked back and I am now extremely proud of myself for not giving up and thrilled to see my son thriving on his mommy's milk. Our nursing relationship, though exhausting, is so meaningful to me.
So, that's my labor, delivery, and first few weeks postpartum in a nutshell. For the record, I'm 9 weeks postpartum and still have some pain, although nothing like the first few weeks. But, despite the negative aspects, I mostly just feel like the luckiest person in the universe to have been blessed with my beautiful, wonderful, amazing son, not to mention the best husband in the world who is also an incredible daddy!
My blood pressure began creeping up around 34 weeks. My OB initially wasn't concerned, but it started to get dangerously high around 37 weeks. That's when induction started to look like a real possibility, which scared and upset me. I did the blood tests and the urine catch for pre-eclampsia and they all came back normal, but my blood pressure continued to hit levels that alarmed my OB so we scheduled an induction for Monday, September 10th when I would be 39 weeks, 2 days. I went in the Friday before for a non-stress test to make sure I'd be okay to wait until Monday and, while the non-stress test was fine, my blood pressure was through the roof. My OB sent me over to Labor and Delivery for another non-stress test (on a better machine) and more blood and urine tests. All of those tests showed that the baby was fine and I wasn't spilling protein or showing any other symptoms of pre-e, so we went home for the weekend and planned to go to the hospital to be induced on Monday. My OB assured me that I was a good candidate for induction (1cm dilated, 75% effaced), but I still wept all weekend! I was terrified of being induced because I'd heard horrible things about Pitocin and feared terrible contractions and ending up with a C-section. I was also disappointed that I wouldn't get that surprise of spontaneously going into labor and also laboring at home for as long as possible. But I wanted my baby to be okay and I didn't want to suddenly need an emergency C-section because I tried to wait it out and ended up having seizures from my high blood pressure or something horrible like that. So, on Monday morning, off to the hospital we went.
Andy and I met Nichole, our doula, in the waiting room of Labor and Delivery around 7:00 AM. She had her birthing ball and asked why I didn't have mine. I told her that my OB had told me I would have to labor in bed. He said my movement would be restricted to just changing positions in bed once I was hooked up to the IV. She basically said that was bullshit and that, although we probably couldn't walk the halls because of the IV and my blood pressure, I certainly didn't need to stay in bed. I was instantly relieved. I will probably say this a million more times, but having a doula made every second of my induction, labor, and delivery better. I would never even consider going through subsequent pregnancies without one. She was absolutely amazing from start to finish. Anyway, we all went in after that and I was shown to my room. We unpacked what we wanted out and I got into a gown and into bed. A little while later, the nurses came to check me in officially and get my heplock ready for the Pitocin and IV fluids I'd be getting when my OB arrived. That was a process in itself. The first nurse tried unsuccessfully twice before Nichole sent her away and asked for the IV team instead. The nurse from the IV team came and did it painlessly, then my OB got there a little later (maybe 8ish?) and broke my water. Um, OW. I can't believe people say that doesn't hurt. It hurt. It really hurt. My OB then said he'd have the nurses start the Pitocin and be back a few hours later to check on my progress. After all was said and done, I probably got the Pitocin drip around 8:45 AM. I started having small contractions almost immediately. The first thing I noticed was that they were in my back, which surprised me. According to my OB, my baby had been in the correct position for labor for weeks already, so it never occurred to me that I would have the back labor generally associated with posterior babies. I thought maybe it was just a fluke and that once my active labor contractions started, they wouldn't be in my back anymore.
Since inductions usually take a really long time (my OB predicted my labor would be around 18 hours), Nichole left to go to her day job and said to call her as soon as I wanted her back. She figured (as did Andy and I) that I'd be in early labor for several hours. After she left, Andy and I turned on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and figured it was the beginning of a mini movie marathon. However, before long, my contractions started getting a lot more painful. My mom, Andy's mom, and Andy's sister were heading to the hospital because we figured it would be nice for them to come distract us during early labor. By the time they arrived, I was already in extreme pain. Since I was already in a lot of pain, they planned to come in one at a time. I asked for my mom first. Well, my mom never left and no one else ever got to come in! Things were crazy from there on out. By the time my mom got into the room, I had already asked Andy to get Nichole back. I have no idea what time it was. I pretty much lost my concept of time once the contractions got bad! All I know is that it was early enough that I thought I was still in early labor and felt like a complete wimp for not being able to handle it. I felt silly calling Nichole when it was still morning because I didn't expect to need her again until at least dinner time! I felt like a jackass for planning a natural birth with no pain medication when I couldn't even handle early labor! I didn't find this out until later, but at that point I was already in active labor. It didn't occur to me at the time that it was even possible for me to be in active labor, because I literally only had, like, five or six early labor contractions before going into active labor.
While waiting for Nichole, Andy and my mom helped me get through the contractions, which were all completely in my back. To this day, I have no idea what a normal labor contraction feels like, because I had all back labor. I stayed in bed, sitting up and gripping Andy's and my mom's hands. At that point, I started talking about pain medication, even though I had desperately wanted as natural a birth as possible. But I just couldn't imagine a zillion more hours of what I was already feeling, not to mention the idea that it would get worse. When Nichole got there, she took charge immediately. She made me get out of bed and put the birthing ball on the bed. I stood on one side of the bed and leaned over onto the birthing ball. Andy was on the other side holding my hands, keeping me steady, and talking me through contractions, while Nichole was basically under me, letting me rest my body weight on her and take some of the pressure off my lower back. Both she and Andy were absolutely amazing. They got me through each contraction despite me screaming at the top of my lungs and continuing to say I couldn't do it. Andy kept telling me what an awesome job I was doing and Nichole helped me stop screaming and turn my desire to make noise into low guttural moans that actually helped move the baby down. She also didn't complain when I peed all over her. Yes, folks, I peed on my doula.
After awhile, the nurses heard how loud I was already getting and realized I was probably already in active labor. This part is all a big haze for me, but at some point my OB was called back over and it was determined that I was 5 cm dilated at that point. After he left again, I did some more contractions on the ball then switched over to a position in which I was kneeling backwards in bed with the top part of the bed almost vertical and the top part of me sort of hanging over the back. Seriously, guys, it was so unbelievably painful I kept thinking there was no way I could go on (not that I had a choice). I believe I murmured something about pain medication a few times, but Andy and Nichole knew I didn't really mean it so they changed the subject and gave me other ways to cope. My mom was also there telling me how well I was doing... she was initially just coming in for a visit, but things got so painful so quickly that I didn't want my mommy to leave!
I started to feel the urge to push and my OB came back to check me again. He determined that I was fully dilated, so it was go time! It took me a little while to get the hang of pushing in the most efficient way, but once I got it things went pretty quickly. I have no idea how many pushes it took, but after pushing for about a half hour, my son was born! Caelan Louis McIlwraith was born at 1:29 PM. I had a mirror, so I was able to actually see him coming out of me. It was unbelievable! I think the first thing I said was "Is he okay?" He was placed on my chest immediately and it was amazing. Unfortunately, I didn't get to keep him with me for as long as I had hoped when writing my birth plan because I had massive tearing that my doctor had to stitch up, and he needed me to be completely still because it was a really ragged and complex tear. So the nurses took the baby to do all the traditional newborn baby stuff. He scored 9 and then another 9 on the Apgar. He weighed 7 lb, 12 oz and was 21 1/4 inches tall. Andy got to hold him again pretty quickly and brought him for me to see while I was being sewn up. When the doctor was finally done (at least 45 minutes later!), I was allowed to breastfeed for the first time and Caelan latched right on. That made me cry even more than seeing and holding him for the first time. It was such an instant and amazing bond.
Happiness of having the baby aside, my tearing was horrendous. It was both internal and external and went from my vagina all the way up to my clitoris. My doctor had a horrible time sewing me up and the process was excruciating for me, because he was numbing little spots with Lidocane, so I was dealing with pain and stinging from that, and then sometimes he would hit a spot he hadn't numbed. I was actually shuddering and nearly convulsing the whole time, which is why I couldn't hold Caelan while he was doing it. I was gripping Nichole's hand the entire time (again, folks, get yourself a doula!). It was nearly as painful as the damn contractions! While sewing me up, my doctor kept saying scary things like "I've never seen tearing like this before!" and "This is a tough one!" My whole labor and delivery was kind of like that. My body responded to the Pitocin like crazy! I got the IV around 8:45, only had one increase in it (don't remember what time), was in active labor within a couple hours of the beginning of the induction, and had Caelan at 1:29. My whole labor and delivery was around 5 hours. Even though it was short, it was unbelievably intense. Nichole says it was the quickest induction she's ever attended and many of the nurses said it was their quickest was well. My contractions came on fast and VIOLENTLY and were only a minute or two apart right away. My delivery was pretty violent as well, hence the horrible tearing. I am relieved that I was able to deliver vaginally but probably would have traded my quick, violent labor for a longer, less intense one. Thank you, Pitocin! So, overall, I guess I'd say my induction went well. I did feel empowered during my labor and was able to get through it without any pain medication and using techniques Andy and I had planned for with our doula during my pregnancy. But I do still crave the experience of going into labor naturally, and I'd be interested to see the difference between induced contractions and "real" ones.
The real trouble for me kicked in after labor and delivery. I don't think I had any real concept of how much residual pain there would be from the tearing and the back labor. We were in the hospital for about 48 hours after Caelan's birth. During that time, I could barely get out of bed. I got dizzy and thought I was going to pass out every time I even tried to go to the bathroom. I couldn't hold my son while standing and I couldn't manuever him at all while holding him in bed because even moving an inch caused paralyzing pain. My legs would start randomly convulsing and I couldn't stop it from happening. The whole situation was just miserable. My doctor came back to check on me both mornings that we were in the hospital and I just kept telling him that I didn't even feel a tiny bit better. He told me it could be a long time before I felt at all better because my tearing was so severe. He kept saying he had never seen a tear like mine before. Things went from bad to worse when we left the hospital. I couldn't do anything with Caelan aside from nurse him because I couldn't even stand up straight and could barely even sit up. Even lying down was painful. Every tiny move I tried to make led to excrutiating pain. I cried all the time and kept getting more and more frustrated. The only thing that kept me feeling okay was getting to breastfeed my son. Then, the day after we left the hospital, Andy and I took Caelan to the pediatrician and found out he'd lost a ton of weight... way beyond what's normal. My milk still hadn't come in and though Caelan was getting colostrum, he didn't seem to be getting enough. The pediatrician (who, for the record, was an incredible bitch) recommended supplementing with formula, which absolutely broke my heart. All I wanted in the world was to breastfeed my son and now that was being taken from me as well. The whole story of this mess would get a little long if I wrote it all out because it involves arguments with pediatricians and desperate calls to lactation consultants, but basically my milk never completely came in and we did have to begin formula supplements. I sobbed about it and felt like a failure. Basically, the lactation consultants I worked with believe that the pain and trauma from my delivery caused my body to shut down and that's why I ended up with low supply. My milk did trickle in after about a week but it took awhile to build up my supply. I ended up spending the first couple weeks of my son's life in tremendous physical pain plus miserable because I felt I was failing at breastfeeding. I rented the hospital grade pump but my supply actually didn't go up until I ditched the pumping and just started nursing for hours and hours and hours at a time. That, coupled with Fenugreek supplements, got me to the point where I was able to begin exclusively breastfeeding when Caelan was around a month old. We've never looked back and I am now extremely proud of myself for not giving up and thrilled to see my son thriving on his mommy's milk. Our nursing relationship, though exhausting, is so meaningful to me.
So, that's my labor, delivery, and first few weeks postpartum in a nutshell. For the record, I'm 9 weeks postpartum and still have some pain, although nothing like the first few weeks. But, despite the negative aspects, I mostly just feel like the luckiest person in the universe to have been blessed with my beautiful, wonderful, amazing son, not to mention the best husband in the world who is also an incredible daddy!