First writing assignment of the year!

[starxsatellite]

This is the end of my life.I walked dizzily through the theme park in which my friends and I had spent the whole day in the blazing hot weather. You could feel the heat emitting from the pavement and into the pores of your skin heating up your insides to the point where you feel as if you will suffocate. I felt as if I was not actually IN my body

Comments

[troutsavedmylyf]

I like it. Great description, I felt a little dizzied and nauseous just from reading it.

[starxsatellite]

Thanksss. It actually happened, so it was easy to describe. It's just the first draft, i have to add about another 500 words. Then I'll put it back up when its all done. Any suggestions?

[troutsavedmylyf]

As far as technical stuff goes, I like the fact that you didn't use the passive voice much or at all; I know I slip into it quite a bit and I have to go back and edit it out constantly. In the second sentence you go into a second person perspective, which is against "the rules" I suppose, and you might want to change it to first person to fit the rest. Personally, I think it could be a good tool to create an effect on the reader, so you might consider leaving it too.

As far as what you might want to add, I might suggest some more visual description, maybe some aural description too. If you want to appeal to your professor, you might want to put in some very detailed description of a naked little boy too, at least 400 words. That's always a nice touch. ;)

[lsinnewpaltz]

naked little boy? did I miss something?