4.21 Meta
So, this is kind of weird and I don't know whether I've missed the entire point or not, or perhaps I'm just writing around it. Either way. This may be a bit different than what most are saying.
So we've got a Dean here who would rather see Sam dead than see things in more than black-and-white - he sounded like Gordon tonight, did anyone notice that? I'm surprised more people aren't talking about this. No denying he loves Sam, but something's holding him back from seeing this clearly, I think. Sam asked Mary if she were disappointed and of course, she was his subconscious talking, but do you really think she'd have been any prouder of Dean's actions here?
The thing is, Sam's right. In action, he may seem like a monster, but right there at the end he begged Dean to come with him. He wanted to do it together, and to do it in a way that, yeah, made sense. Dean said it himself, he doesn't trust the angels and from where Sam's standing, two seals left despite the fact that they have so much firepower, I wouldn't trust them either. The last time they both went after Lilith with nothing but Ruby's knife, THINGS KIND OF DIDN'T GO DOWN SO WELL, as Dean might want to remember. And I bet Sam was scared for Dean tonight when he offered, I bet he didn't want him to come, he's said it himself, he doesn't think Dean's strong enough, but he offered for no other reason I can think than that he wanted Dean to understand that this didn't have to change him or them. That it, for all intents and purposes hasn't changed him. And he's right. Sam's incredibly willful for a reason; if anyone could do something like this without giving into the darkness of it, it's Sam, and he's been proving it this entire time. Sam may have been harder this season, may have been more protective of Dean and may have been a bit more prideful, but he's been that way regardless of whether he's been on the blood or not. Dean keeps saying monster over and over again and it sounds right because Sam's ingesting blood but if you actually look at the situation, Dean's completely off base. All of the things that make Sam Sam haven't really changed; he's grown and he's adjusted to being without his brother but he's still Sam, and he's spent a lot of this season reminded Dean of why it is they're fighting. Would a Sam who's a monster really ask the brother he thinks isn't strong enough to come fight with him? Would he care if Dean's feelings were hurt if he just turned around went it alone? Would he bother to hash it out with Dean and actually try to get him to understand because he still cares about what Dean thinks of him? My point is, for all that Dean keeps saying that Sam is a "monster" given the kinds of monsters the show's had on it, Sam doesn't really seem to be all that monstrous at all.
All we have to verify the assumption that Sam inevitably must become a monster is Castiel's word and right now...yeah, I'm not inclined to trust that since, wow, didn't that just happen to be the perfect thing to say to Dean right then? It's a firesale, after all, and everything must go.
But the more interesting question to me is this; why is Dean so intent on seeing Sam as a monster now that he'd rather have him dead than look at the situation any other way? What's Dean projecting onto him? I started writing the meta before this episode, this idea that by locking Sam away in that same room that Sam, Dean and Bobby locked themselves in to hide from the horrible truths of the evils we do to do good, that Dean was locking away a part of himself that he doesn't want to deal with. The part that will become anything when the situation calls for it.
After all, that red light on Sam's face and the way you could only partially see it through the slit in the door? It reminded me of Dean's face whenever we have those flashbacks from hell.
Sam's done all this of his own free will, he's chosen to give in to something dark and he's adapted. And Dean gave in once, too. In his entire life, Dean has really only made one choice of his own free will; he's responsible for his getting up off that rack and becoming the monster he had to become in order to make it in hell. He can't say, 'Dad would have wanted it' or 'I was protecting Sam' or 'it was an order'. That was the real Dean acting (after thirty years of torture, of course, but Dean wouldn't be Dean if he actually took that into account), and so the real Dean tortured souls and enjoyed it before he did anything else. And the pain and the anger that he used down there, the stuff that let him enjoy it, I'm sure part of it was being tortured 30 years, but because Dean's outside of hell and back in his real life, so I bet the pain that he used in hell has become somewhat indistinguishable from all the hurt he carries around in real life. He said they wouldn't like what came out of that room in OtHoaP and as far back as Skin the monster was pointing out that Dean has all these feelings, all this anger and hurt that he never lets anyone see. So I bet Dean feels like a monster.
So Sam can't give into something like this, actually ingest a demon, and still maintain a sense of self, still essentially be Sam because (I kind of have two ideas about this and I'm not sure which one would be more accurate) that throws the fact in Dean's face that when he was in hell, when he was adjusting to torture in the same way that Sam's adjusting to drinking demon blood, Dean was still Dean. There was no change, there was no metamorphosis, Dean tortured souls and he liked it. Which gets to point b) it also shoves the fact in his face that Sam is not enjoying this, Sam is not giving into that part of it the way Dean did, Sam does not want to be doing this the way Dean eventually did. Again, that makes Dean weak.
I'm sure Dean's intentions are good and he'd probably tell himself that he just doesn't want Sam to become the thing that he became. And if he'd open his eyes, he'd see that Sam's not, that even after Sams' eyes went black in the Halloween episode so that he could save all those children (and he must have been on the demon blood then) he was still in control when Samhain was dead.
It's funny. Both Sam's willfullness in the face of these powers and Dean's enjoying torturing souls in hell make them human. It's like looking into a mirror. But I guess it's still clouded over, at least on Dean's side. And it's interesting that just as Sam was kind of forced to look at himself this episode, Dean locked that self away and didn't look back. Sammy may have been the one that left, but Dean's the one that barred the way back in, just like Ruby may have been the one to give Sam the blood but Dean was the one who turned it into a game of either/or.
...in other news, I feel like a terrible person for not crying during this episode since apparently so many people did. Um. Yes.
So we've got a Dean here who would rather see Sam dead than see things in more than black-and-white - he sounded like Gordon tonight, did anyone notice that? I'm surprised more people aren't talking about this. No denying he loves Sam, but something's holding him back from seeing this clearly, I think. Sam asked Mary if she were disappointed and of course, she was his subconscious talking, but do you really think she'd have been any prouder of Dean's actions here?
The thing is, Sam's right. In action, he may seem like a monster, but right there at the end he begged Dean to come with him. He wanted to do it together, and to do it in a way that, yeah, made sense. Dean said it himself, he doesn't trust the angels and from where Sam's standing, two seals left despite the fact that they have so much firepower, I wouldn't trust them either. The last time they both went after Lilith with nothing but Ruby's knife, THINGS KIND OF DIDN'T GO DOWN SO WELL, as Dean might want to remember. And I bet Sam was scared for Dean tonight when he offered, I bet he didn't want him to come, he's said it himself, he doesn't think Dean's strong enough, but he offered for no other reason I can think than that he wanted Dean to understand that this didn't have to change him or them. That it, for all intents and purposes hasn't changed him. And he's right. Sam's incredibly willful for a reason; if anyone could do something like this without giving into the darkness of it, it's Sam, and he's been proving it this entire time. Sam may have been harder this season, may have been more protective of Dean and may have been a bit more prideful, but he's been that way regardless of whether he's been on the blood or not. Dean keeps saying monster over and over again and it sounds right because Sam's ingesting blood but if you actually look at the situation, Dean's completely off base. All of the things that make Sam Sam haven't really changed; he's grown and he's adjusted to being without his brother but he's still Sam, and he's spent a lot of this season reminded Dean of why it is they're fighting. Would a Sam who's a monster really ask the brother he thinks isn't strong enough to come fight with him? Would he care if Dean's feelings were hurt if he just turned around went it alone? Would he bother to hash it out with Dean and actually try to get him to understand because he still cares about what Dean thinks of him? My point is, for all that Dean keeps saying that Sam is a "monster" given the kinds of monsters the show's had on it, Sam doesn't really seem to be all that monstrous at all.
All we have to verify the assumption that Sam inevitably must become a monster is Castiel's word and right now...yeah, I'm not inclined to trust that since, wow, didn't that just happen to be the perfect thing to say to Dean right then? It's a firesale, after all, and everything must go.
But the more interesting question to me is this; why is Dean so intent on seeing Sam as a monster now that he'd rather have him dead than look at the situation any other way? What's Dean projecting onto him? I started writing the meta before this episode, this idea that by locking Sam away in that same room that Sam, Dean and Bobby locked themselves in to hide from the horrible truths of the evils we do to do good, that Dean was locking away a part of himself that he doesn't want to deal with. The part that will become anything when the situation calls for it.
After all, that red light on Sam's face and the way you could only partially see it through the slit in the door? It reminded me of Dean's face whenever we have those flashbacks from hell.
Sam's done all this of his own free will, he's chosen to give in to something dark and he's adapted. And Dean gave in once, too. In his entire life, Dean has really only made one choice of his own free will; he's responsible for his getting up off that rack and becoming the monster he had to become in order to make it in hell. He can't say, 'Dad would have wanted it' or 'I was protecting Sam' or 'it was an order'. That was the real Dean acting (after thirty years of torture, of course, but Dean wouldn't be Dean if he actually took that into account), and so the real Dean tortured souls and enjoyed it before he did anything else. And the pain and the anger that he used down there, the stuff that let him enjoy it, I'm sure part of it was being tortured 30 years, but because Dean's outside of hell and back in his real life, so I bet the pain that he used in hell has become somewhat indistinguishable from all the hurt he carries around in real life. He said they wouldn't like what came out of that room in OtHoaP and as far back as Skin the monster was pointing out that Dean has all these feelings, all this anger and hurt that he never lets anyone see. So I bet Dean feels like a monster.
So Sam can't give into something like this, actually ingest a demon, and still maintain a sense of self, still essentially be Sam because (I kind of have two ideas about this and I'm not sure which one would be more accurate) that throws the fact in Dean's face that when he was in hell, when he was adjusting to torture in the same way that Sam's adjusting to drinking demon blood, Dean was still Dean. There was no change, there was no metamorphosis, Dean tortured souls and he liked it. Which gets to point b) it also shoves the fact in his face that Sam is not enjoying this, Sam is not giving into that part of it the way Dean did, Sam does not want to be doing this the way Dean eventually did. Again, that makes Dean weak.
I'm sure Dean's intentions are good and he'd probably tell himself that he just doesn't want Sam to become the thing that he became. And if he'd open his eyes, he'd see that Sam's not, that even after Sams' eyes went black in the Halloween episode so that he could save all those children (and he must have been on the demon blood then) he was still in control when Samhain was dead.
It's funny. Both Sam's willfullness in the face of these powers and Dean's enjoying torturing souls in hell make them human. It's like looking into a mirror. But I guess it's still clouded over, at least on Dean's side. And it's interesting that just as Sam was kind of forced to look at himself this episode, Dean locked that self away and didn't look back. Sammy may have been the one that left, but Dean's the one that barred the way back in, just like Ruby may have been the one to give Sam the blood but Dean was the one who turned it into a game of either/or.
...in other news, I feel like a terrible person for not crying during this episode since apparently so many people did. Um. Yes.