its only you
i know your all expecting an entry about how amazing florida is and pictures and all but not now maybe later
i use boys to get over boys. i'll admit it, i do. i'm sure we all have at some point or another but its my sole way of moving on. and its worked for 16 years of my life. until now. and some of you very close to me know this already, but i feel like i keep what i'm about to say locked up inside and i cant anymore. everything's just built up so much and i cant fake it anymore.
as i was saying, once one relationship or crush has ended, i almost immediatly send out radar and find someone else to fill that spot. random hookups and flirting always healed my heart. i kno its not the best way to go about it but it worked, until now. no names, but i'm sure u'll all figure it out.
i have no idea why or how but this boy gotta into my heart sumhow. and he wont come out. it makes no sense whatsoever. its been about half a year and i still think about him constantly. when i meet new people or even people i kno i notice things in them that remind me of this boy. i cant control it. then i fool myself. i pretend i'm over him and i start to say "wow jen ur got to change u cant keep using people liek that" so i stop and thik i'm strong enough to talk to this boy. everytime i do he breaks my heart. hes not trying to or anything and he really doesnt even say anything that should break my heart. but it does. knowing i cant have him crushes me. and back i go to the hookups and the flirting and its a vicious cycle.
normally once i had had a crush on another boy i'd be fine and basically over the old boy. but not with him. hes so much a part of me now. i've done everything i can think of to get rid of this feeling. it wont go away. i dont want to keep doing this to myself. my heart hurts so much i want so badly to be over him. that however seems to be impossible. whatever i do hes always on the back of my mind and even when i'm happy, its there tainting my happiness. now i'm a romantic but i'm not a mush. i never expected to feel like this especially not over an ended teenage romance. but i think to get over this, i'll have to stop faking it to myself and realize what i always deny.
i'm desperately in love