Too late for a 2006 Reflection
but I'll post it anyway. I wrote this 7 months ago.
The sophomore Nghi salutes 2006 with satisfaction. I am doing my New Year review on New Year Eve because, well, I don’t really celebrate solar New Year. It’s all about TET-lunar New Year.
I’m glad I am susceptible to change even though it might be for the worst. 2006 was a year of realizations, a year of acceptance of reality. Friends do far apart. Hooking up with a stranger doesn’t satisfy because it’s so empty. Study as much as I can and it doesn’t always reflect the grade I earned. In college, it’s no longer about work ethics. One really does have to be naturally intelligent to get an “A.” It’s disheartening, really. It is a year when I found out that my father is human. He doesn’t hang the moon at night. He’s fallible, but he is still my father nonetheless. 2006 was also a beautiful year. My 3rd nephew was born. It’s one of those years that signal my ability to change as a person. I’ve grown into an adult. From facing the possibility that my mother has cancer (thank god it was a calcified lump in her breast and not a malignant tumor) to understanding what it means to be an older brother to my little sister, I faced many personal, professional, and academic challenges this year.
For some of us, 2007 will mark the end of sophomore year in college.
Some of us will turn twenty, the big two zero. Frightening. No longer are we in our teens. As the curtain closes and the light dims, the actor lays on the floor breathless, taking off his adolescent mask in exchange for a robe fitting for a new story line. The narration heralds a decade of a more confident and less dependent Nghi who is beginning the ending of the emotional myelination of his frontal lobe. We learn more about our freshman friends and we make conscious decisions to pursue worthwhile friendships with a selective few while being open to more friends. We go out of our ways to make tiny sacrifices like staying for another hour after dinner to continue a great conversation or walking over to Lantana to see if she’s doing okay around finals. In 2006, we learned that we are no longer the academic predators in our tiny pond. We no longer pwned. 2007 will be a year when we learn that it is okay to be in the middle of the bell curve, to be average and ordinary. I don’t know about you, but I am quite happy with this revelation. 2007 will also bring many new strangers into our lives who will continue to surprise us with their honesty, altruism, and consideration, question our ingrained beliefs of how the world works, and let’s face it, will also hurt us, too.
Academic: 2007 might be a year when we trade our desperate housewives obsession for a grey’s anatomy mania. If you’re like me, maybe it will be a year in which you stop lying to yourself. I can no longer deny that I don’t love the sciences because I’m heads over heels about it ever since I saw the structure of DNA when I was 12 years old. Although I didn’t understand its biochemistry, I appreciate its complexity. I don’t know about you, but I’m excited for 2007. I’m looking forward to my Howard Hughes Medical Institute internship this summer. I’ve narrowed it down to three locations: New York City, Cambridge/Boston, or Seattle. Unlike last year, when I didn’t know what I was doing for the summer, this year is different because my summer plans are definite. In 2006, I worried about getting weeded out by organic chemistry and it also revealed to me what a silly fear that was. 2007 will define some of the ambivalence of 2006. It’s funny. I was choosing between Biological Science and Human Biology. Now I am a Humanities major who switches back to Biological Science with a Neurobiology specialization. I’m thrilled about this new position at Regenerative Science Institute and wonder how this story will unfold.
Family. As my nieces and nephews get older, the role I have in their life will gain increasing importance. I’ve failed them this year when I did not show up to my nieces’ birthdays. I favorite one over others, which is unfair, but it’s only natural. I know my relationship with my little sister will change as she heads to college. I hope we’ll grow to appreciate each other more. I hope she can pick herself up after she falls because I won’t be there in college to hold her hands and rescue her like I always do. My father. Sigh. No one knows but Anne Marie and Max. I cannot forgive him. I cannot look at him the same way. But this man raised me for 19 years, so he still deserves the title.
I'm going to try to keep my answers a bit unique.
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
-love organic chemistry
-SLE oral final
-applied to, interviewed at, and rejected from a medical school
-cooked for 60 students and cleaned bathrooms.
-performed MCAO surgery on rats
-tempted someone to cheat, and I still feel horrible about my unintentional malice.
-slept, in the literal sense, with a complete stranger…TWICE
-lived in a condo for the summer
-passed a medical Vietnamese exam to become a certified translator
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
For 2006:
-learn more lab protocols. --> Neurosurgery lab: immunohistochemical staining, brain perfusion, distal middle cerebral artery occlusion, mounting and cutting the brain into sections, behavioral analysis
-be less jaded For sure --> I’m trying to emotionally invest myself in others.
-open myself up and trust at least 10 people --> 9 people; good enough
-be more straightforward --> I am so blunt it’s scary and offensive.
-be less superficial and bitchy and "I'm a plastic Mean Girl." --> Instead of being that person, I used it as a façade and definitely put an effort to separate who I am and who I project myself to be
-established myself on campus in a certain sphere, whether that be in the public service sector or in the scientific community --> I can safely say that I am well-established in the scientific community at Stanford.
-do well in my premed classes will expanding my educational horizons. I want to take econ, art history, psych, linguistic, and asian american studies --> Check. I took two English classes!
-be an EMT? --> I had the chance, but I dropped out at the beginning because it wasn’t what I thought it is. Being an EMT Basic doesn’t really provide you with any real skills.
-make a small difference in someone's life, whether it is a student in East Palo Alto, a patient at Stanford Hospital or in Vietnam, a dear friend who needs support, or a complete stranger --> FAILED! I think.
-keep in touch with good friends made during Freshman year. Faisans!! Yes, I'll invite them to the weekly Terra because that's where I WANT TO BE LIVING. Whoot whoot. Wait, do I really want to be living in such a distracting place my sophomore year. =) And you know what types of distractions go on there! --> I invited many faisans over for dinner and Happy Hour and THEY CAME for the food, the alcohol, the music, the room, and of course THE NGHI…and hugh.
-stress less --> Dude, I took this resolution too seriously. I had too much fun and I did not work enough. Stress happens for 24 hours before papers are due.
-travel more --> Check
For 2007:
-be more disciplined and actually manage my time carefully
-win the Goldwater scholarship
-get published in a peer-reviewed journal
-travel to Paris and Barcelona with Bethany
-have a productive summer wherever I end up
-keep in touch with Hugh when he takes next year off
-stop writing papers the night before they are due
-stop being a frigid bitch to the people I dislike at Terra
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My favorite Sister Giang (Yang) gave birth to Tan, my 3rd nephew.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, but a few of my friends lost their parents. The first day of school was the day my mom went into the radiologist to check the lump in her breast. For a week, my entire life stopped until I heard his diagnosis. When my older sisters found out that it was not cancer, they cried in front of my mother. I was so happy during the rest of the year to know that my mom will be with me for some time.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
[Will be answered]
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-The day I found out about my invitation to an interview at Mt. Sinai Medical School because it was finally an external confirmation that medical schools did see a possible doctor in me. I called home and told my family right away. It was on a Friday so that Happy Hour at Terra was a great one.
-The flight to New York right before my interview. I barely slept. I remembered the subway with Joanne to Jamila's apartment, the tacos in the Spanish Harlem I ate for breakfast before my 2 PM interview time, the stroll I took to get to the medical school, the impression I got as I look at the hospital, the feeling I had when I thought that this could be where I'll be spending four years of my life. I also remember the interviews. One was from a Professor of Pharmacology and the other was the Dean of Admission. She grilled me so hard. "Why aren't you a leader at Stanford?" I also got to see one of my best friend Sisi who goes to Princeton. I haven't seen that girl for two years and it completely brings me to my knees when I saw how time hasn't faded our friendship. [to be continue]
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I kept one of my few resolutions from last year. Now, I do have a core group of friends to whom I can truly say: “Yes, you will show up at my wedding!” I’m still trying to find a balance between being a social butterfly and a great friend. Spending my summer at Stanford also solidify a few unexpected friendships. While some formed, others broke. As I wrote in a letter, long before any friendship ends, there is a moment of realization when one knows that the bond is too cracked to hold the friendship together. Once a blue moon, I will miss this person with such a great intensity. This person might be someone who is no longer a part of my life, he might be dead, but usually it is someone who is alive. Out of nowhere comes a raging desire to see him again. Or if that's not possible, at least to know in detail what has happened to him. It is like the rush of heat over my face when I open the oven door to check to see if the bread is baked. Where is he now? What is he doing? Is he happy? What would happen if we were to see each other again? I'd give anything to know the answers to these questions. But only for the time the longing lasts, which can be quite a while or only minutes. Once it passes, he slides back into the formless shadows of memory and nostalgia. For many lost friendship, there will always be one or two friendship that will continue to amaze you of its strength.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Crashing my car. So I managed to crash my car while traveling up to SF. I'll be forever traumatized from driving in SF. Shucks. Want to know the funny reason why [to be continued]
10. What one song sums up 2006?
Kurt Nilsen - Never Easy. Don't mind if you treat me bad again, I don't care anymore. Life's too short to make trouble out of small things...I tried and then some more. Instead of dragging the both of us down, divide separate ways. It's never easy this way, it's never easy this way. Talk too me, throw the ball back. I've been here before there is no turning back. Talk to me just tell it like it is. Just two afraid souls, going at each other, at each other. We're at the crossroad going separate ways, time to say it as it is. And if we bump into each other one day we'll be better then. Maybe we can start all over again.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder?
Happier. I allowed my dreams to fall and the world did not end. I got rejected from medical school and I'm still in one piece. In retrospect, every event fits perfectly once I step back to observe it. [to be continued]
Thinner or fatter?
Thinner
Richer or poorer?
Since Terra is a co-op, a cheaper mode of living at Stanford, my refund from Bill Gates is a lot more than usual. I managed to save that money for my Paris trip with Bethany. [to be continued]
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Volunteered more. [to be continued]
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Pursuing fruitless activities: research at Steinberg lab for 9 months was one of the worst experiences in my professional career. I didn't learn much. My independent project didn't get much support. I should have left back in June. My "projects" at Regenerative Science Institute were more than IMPOSSIBLE. How the hell was I supposed to clone four factors into a plasmid. I don't even know how to clone ONE. [to be continued]
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Yes, with the wrong person. Yes, at the wrong time. And I'm talking about two different people. =)
23. How many one-night stands?
2.5. Don’t ask me about the 0.5 part.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
[Will be answered]
26. What was the best book you read?
[Will be answered]
28. What did you want and get?
[Will be answered]
29. What did you want and not get?
Love. I made so many mistakes this year, but I learned from them. One-night stands are so meaningless. I woke up in the middle of the night next to a stranger I don’t love. I let myself be vulnerable this year and I gave myself a chance fall quarter. I invited a freshman out to dinner with a couple of my friends and a couple of his friends. It was a group event to keep the awkward level minimum. I was also infatuated with a 3rd year grad student in the music department. That was very short-lived for good reasons, too.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Akeelah and the Bee.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
[Will be answered]
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Receiving an acceptance letter to Mt. Sinai School of Medicine in my sophomore year of college.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
[Will be answered]
34. What kept you sane?
Grey’s Anatomy. Let's not lie: facebook. Terra Happy Hour. Thank god for alcohol. Coffee.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Sherry. She cuts my hair. The girl wins. I met her in BioSci 41S. We both audited the class because we were so hardcore premed. She still is.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
We are held accountable for our every action. We cannot blame our rash and infantile nature because we are not children anymore. We enter a world where not only do we need to prove our worthiness by creating or maintaining an impressive resume, but where we are also held responsible for our disdain, condescension, and egotistical outbursts to our friends and strangers alike.
The sophomore Nghi salutes 2006 with satisfaction. I am doing my New Year review on New Year Eve because, well, I don’t really celebrate solar New Year. It’s all about TET-lunar New Year.
I’m glad I am susceptible to change even though it might be for the worst. 2006 was a year of realizations, a year of acceptance of reality. Friends do far apart. Hooking up with a stranger doesn’t satisfy because it’s so empty. Study as much as I can and it doesn’t always reflect the grade I earned. In college, it’s no longer about work ethics. One really does have to be naturally intelligent to get an “A.” It’s disheartening, really. It is a year when I found out that my father is human. He doesn’t hang the moon at night. He’s fallible, but he is still my father nonetheless. 2006 was also a beautiful year. My 3rd nephew was born. It’s one of those years that signal my ability to change as a person. I’ve grown into an adult. From facing the possibility that my mother has cancer (thank god it was a calcified lump in her breast and not a malignant tumor) to understanding what it means to be an older brother to my little sister, I faced many personal, professional, and academic challenges this year.
For some of us, 2007 will mark the end of sophomore year in college.
Some of us will turn twenty, the big two zero. Frightening. No longer are we in our teens. As the curtain closes and the light dims, the actor lays on the floor breathless, taking off his adolescent mask in exchange for a robe fitting for a new story line. The narration heralds a decade of a more confident and less dependent Nghi who is beginning the ending of the emotional myelination of his frontal lobe. We learn more about our freshman friends and we make conscious decisions to pursue worthwhile friendships with a selective few while being open to more friends. We go out of our ways to make tiny sacrifices like staying for another hour after dinner to continue a great conversation or walking over to Lantana to see if she’s doing okay around finals. In 2006, we learned that we are no longer the academic predators in our tiny pond. We no longer pwned. 2007 will be a year when we learn that it is okay to be in the middle of the bell curve, to be average and ordinary. I don’t know about you, but I am quite happy with this revelation. 2007 will also bring many new strangers into our lives who will continue to surprise us with their honesty, altruism, and consideration, question our ingrained beliefs of how the world works, and let’s face it, will also hurt us, too.
Academic: 2007 might be a year when we trade our desperate housewives obsession for a grey’s anatomy mania. If you’re like me, maybe it will be a year in which you stop lying to yourself. I can no longer deny that I don’t love the sciences because I’m heads over heels about it ever since I saw the structure of DNA when I was 12 years old. Although I didn’t understand its biochemistry, I appreciate its complexity. I don’t know about you, but I’m excited for 2007. I’m looking forward to my Howard Hughes Medical Institute internship this summer. I’ve narrowed it down to three locations: New York City, Cambridge/Boston, or Seattle. Unlike last year, when I didn’t know what I was doing for the summer, this year is different because my summer plans are definite. In 2006, I worried about getting weeded out by organic chemistry and it also revealed to me what a silly fear that was. 2007 will define some of the ambivalence of 2006. It’s funny. I was choosing between Biological Science and Human Biology. Now I am a Humanities major who switches back to Biological Science with a Neurobiology specialization. I’m thrilled about this new position at Regenerative Science Institute and wonder how this story will unfold.
Family. As my nieces and nephews get older, the role I have in their life will gain increasing importance. I’ve failed them this year when I did not show up to my nieces’ birthdays. I favorite one over others, which is unfair, but it’s only natural. I know my relationship with my little sister will change as she heads to college. I hope we’ll grow to appreciate each other more. I hope she can pick herself up after she falls because I won’t be there in college to hold her hands and rescue her like I always do. My father. Sigh. No one knows but Anne Marie and Max. I cannot forgive him. I cannot look at him the same way. But this man raised me for 19 years, so he still deserves the title.
I'm going to try to keep my answers a bit unique.
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
-love organic chemistry
-SLE oral final
-applied to, interviewed at, and rejected from a medical school
-cooked for 60 students and cleaned bathrooms.
-performed MCAO surgery on rats
-tempted someone to cheat, and I still feel horrible about my unintentional malice.
-slept, in the literal sense, with a complete stranger…TWICE
-lived in a condo for the summer
-passed a medical Vietnamese exam to become a certified translator
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
For 2006:
-learn more lab protocols. --> Neurosurgery lab: immunohistochemical staining, brain perfusion, distal middle cerebral artery occlusion, mounting and cutting the brain into sections, behavioral analysis
-be less jaded For sure --> I’m trying to emotionally invest myself in others.
-open myself up and trust at least 10 people --> 9 people; good enough
-be more straightforward --> I am so blunt it’s scary and offensive.
-be less superficial and bitchy and "I'm a plastic Mean Girl." --> Instead of being that person, I used it as a façade and definitely put an effort to separate who I am and who I project myself to be
-established myself on campus in a certain sphere, whether that be in the public service sector or in the scientific community --> I can safely say that I am well-established in the scientific community at Stanford.
-do well in my premed classes will expanding my educational horizons. I want to take econ, art history, psych, linguistic, and asian american studies --> Check. I took two English classes!
-be an EMT? --> I had the chance, but I dropped out at the beginning because it wasn’t what I thought it is. Being an EMT Basic doesn’t really provide you with any real skills.
-make a small difference in someone's life, whether it is a student in East Palo Alto, a patient at Stanford Hospital or in Vietnam, a dear friend who needs support, or a complete stranger --> FAILED! I think.
-keep in touch with good friends made during Freshman year. Faisans!! Yes, I'll invite them to the weekly Terra because that's where I WANT TO BE LIVING. Whoot whoot. Wait, do I really want to be living in such a distracting place my sophomore year. =) And you know what types of distractions go on there! --> I invited many faisans over for dinner and Happy Hour and THEY CAME for the food, the alcohol, the music, the room, and of course THE NGHI…and hugh.
-stress less --> Dude, I took this resolution too seriously. I had too much fun and I did not work enough. Stress happens for 24 hours before papers are due.
-travel more --> Check
For 2007:
-be more disciplined and actually manage my time carefully
-win the Goldwater scholarship
-get published in a peer-reviewed journal
-travel to Paris and Barcelona with Bethany
-have a productive summer wherever I end up
-keep in touch with Hugh when he takes next year off
-stop writing papers the night before they are due
-stop being a frigid bitch to the people I dislike at Terra
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My favorite Sister Giang (Yang) gave birth to Tan, my 3rd nephew.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, but a few of my friends lost their parents. The first day of school was the day my mom went into the radiologist to check the lump in her breast. For a week, my entire life stopped until I heard his diagnosis. When my older sisters found out that it was not cancer, they cried in front of my mother. I was so happy during the rest of the year to know that my mom will be with me for some time.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
[Will be answered]
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
-The day I found out about my invitation to an interview at Mt. Sinai Medical School because it was finally an external confirmation that medical schools did see a possible doctor in me. I called home and told my family right away. It was on a Friday so that Happy Hour at Terra was a great one.
-The flight to New York right before my interview. I barely slept. I remembered the subway with Joanne to Jamila's apartment, the tacos in the Spanish Harlem I ate for breakfast before my 2 PM interview time, the stroll I took to get to the medical school, the impression I got as I look at the hospital, the feeling I had when I thought that this could be where I'll be spending four years of my life. I also remember the interviews. One was from a Professor of Pharmacology and the other was the Dean of Admission. She grilled me so hard. "Why aren't you a leader at Stanford?" I also got to see one of my best friend Sisi who goes to Princeton. I haven't seen that girl for two years and it completely brings me to my knees when I saw how time hasn't faded our friendship. [to be continue]
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I kept one of my few resolutions from last year. Now, I do have a core group of friends to whom I can truly say: “Yes, you will show up at my wedding!” I’m still trying to find a balance between being a social butterfly and a great friend. Spending my summer at Stanford also solidify a few unexpected friendships. While some formed, others broke. As I wrote in a letter, long before any friendship ends, there is a moment of realization when one knows that the bond is too cracked to hold the friendship together. Once a blue moon, I will miss this person with such a great intensity. This person might be someone who is no longer a part of my life, he might be dead, but usually it is someone who is alive. Out of nowhere comes a raging desire to see him again. Or if that's not possible, at least to know in detail what has happened to him. It is like the rush of heat over my face when I open the oven door to check to see if the bread is baked. Where is he now? What is he doing? Is he happy? What would happen if we were to see each other again? I'd give anything to know the answers to these questions. But only for the time the longing lasts, which can be quite a while or only minutes. Once it passes, he slides back into the formless shadows of memory and nostalgia. For many lost friendship, there will always be one or two friendship that will continue to amaze you of its strength.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Crashing my car. So I managed to crash my car while traveling up to SF. I'll be forever traumatized from driving in SF. Shucks. Want to know the funny reason why [to be continued]
10. What one song sums up 2006?
Kurt Nilsen - Never Easy. Don't mind if you treat me bad again, I don't care anymore. Life's too short to make trouble out of small things...I tried and then some more. Instead of dragging the both of us down, divide separate ways. It's never easy this way, it's never easy this way. Talk too me, throw the ball back. I've been here before there is no turning back. Talk to me just tell it like it is. Just two afraid souls, going at each other, at each other. We're at the crossroad going separate ways, time to say it as it is. And if we bump into each other one day we'll be better then. Maybe we can start all over again.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder?
Happier. I allowed my dreams to fall and the world did not end. I got rejected from medical school and I'm still in one piece. In retrospect, every event fits perfectly once I step back to observe it. [to be continued]
Thinner or fatter?
Thinner
Richer or poorer?
Since Terra is a co-op, a cheaper mode of living at Stanford, my refund from Bill Gates is a lot more than usual. I managed to save that money for my Paris trip with Bethany. [to be continued]
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Volunteered more. [to be continued]
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Pursuing fruitless activities: research at Steinberg lab for 9 months was one of the worst experiences in my professional career. I didn't learn much. My independent project didn't get much support. I should have left back in June. My "projects" at Regenerative Science Institute were more than IMPOSSIBLE. How the hell was I supposed to clone four factors into a plasmid. I don't even know how to clone ONE. [to be continued]
22. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Yes, with the wrong person. Yes, at the wrong time. And I'm talking about two different people. =)
23. How many one-night stands?
2.5. Don’t ask me about the 0.5 part.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
[Will be answered]
26. What was the best book you read?
[Will be answered]
28. What did you want and get?
[Will be answered]
29. What did you want and not get?
Love. I made so many mistakes this year, but I learned from them. One-night stands are so meaningless. I woke up in the middle of the night next to a stranger I don’t love. I let myself be vulnerable this year and I gave myself a chance fall quarter. I invited a freshman out to dinner with a couple of my friends and a couple of his friends. It was a group event to keep the awkward level minimum. I was also infatuated with a 3rd year grad student in the music department. That was very short-lived for good reasons, too.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Akeelah and the Bee.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
[Will be answered]
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Receiving an acceptance letter to Mt. Sinai School of Medicine in my sophomore year of college.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
[Will be answered]
34. What kept you sane?
Grey’s Anatomy. Let's not lie: facebook. Terra Happy Hour. Thank god for alcohol. Coffee.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Sherry. She cuts my hair. The girl wins. I met her in BioSci 41S. We both audited the class because we were so hardcore premed. She still is.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
We are held accountable for our every action. We cannot blame our rash and infantile nature because we are not children anymore. We enter a world where not only do we need to prove our worthiness by creating or maintaining an impressive resume, but where we are also held responsible for our disdain, condescension, and egotistical outbursts to our friends and strangers alike.