(no subject)
Now that I've written it down the whole thing sounds almost silly, but I said that I would share and so I will.
I have these cousins named Jessie and Jason. They're not direct cousins, they're some number removed, but I can never remember exactly how many. Anyway, they're brother and sister. I don't remember exactly how old they are, but I believe they are both a bit older than my sister, who is 3 years older than me.
Growing up, the two of them lived in Redding, so we didn't get to see them very often. Somehow, it became a tradition that the two of them would come down to visit every Easter, and stay for a few days. I was extremely young at the time, so I remember very little of their visits, but I do remember being extremely excited to know that they were on their way.
I loved both of them, but Jason was my favorite. He was by far my favorite relative outside my immediate family. I honestly could not tell you a single thing he did or said to me, but in my young mind he was the most awesome person in the world.
I don't remember when they stopped coming down for Easter or why; as far as I know, it was one of those things that just sort of happened. To my knowledge, there was no big event or anything that ended the tradition. In any case, a few years passed without me having any contact with them at all. So imagine my excitement when I heard that there was going to be a huge family reunion for my great-grandmother's 90th birthday, and that Jessie and Jason would be there.
We went to the party, which was a huge event. Jessie was relatively easy to locate, and she seemed very happy to see us all. I really don't remember what was said, I just know that she was there and we talked with her.
Jason was also at the event, but he was off to the side. He had brought his girlfriend, and from what I overheard they hadn't been together all that long, so it had to be awkward for her to be meeting his entire extended family. The two of them certainly looked uncomfortable, and I felt kind of bad for her.
I wanted to approach Jason but I was too shy, so my mom went over with me. I was still pretty young, after all. My mom started conversation, which Jason seemed none too thrilled with. She told a story about how when I was a baby, I would instantly stop crying when he held me. He seemed humiliated, and did his best to end the conversation and get out of there.
I was a bit put off, but not too badly hurt. I rationalized that it was because he was with his girlfriend; he was probably super embarrassed, especially with my mom telling childhood stories. I would get to talk to him another time.
Some months later, my family and I went on a road trip. On the way back we were passing near Redding, and we were told that Jessie and Jason might be willing to meet us for dinner as we were passing through. I was excited of course, since it had again been a while since I'd seen them.
When the day came, only Jessie came to meet us. She apologized for her brother's absence and explained he'd had other things to do. So we ate dinner with her, which was nice, but I was extremely disappointed at Jason's absence.
Another couple years passed before I saw either of them again. It was another family gathering, up in Redding at a house that belonged to one of my relatives. It's a huge house with a giant backyard, so there was plenty of room for all the people coming.
Jason was there, but so were many other relatives, so it was easy to go the whole time without talking to everyone. Being a rather shy person, I never made the effort to talk to him, and he never even acknowledged my existence.
At one point during the gathering, I was sitting in a chair next to my mother, who was talking with another one of my relatives (I can't even remember who it was). The three of us were beside a large window that looked out into the backyard, where Jason was playing a game of soccer with a bunch of the younger kids. The three of us were idly watching them play, and making general small talk.
My other relative commented on how happy they all seemed, and said that Jason would make a wonderful father someday. My mother agreed, and uttered a sentence that would shatter my view of the world:
"He's always been good with kids."
It was at this fateful moment that it hit me: Jason had never really cared about me. I'm sure he did on some level, but it was nowhere near how much I had liked him. We had no special bond. He was good with kids, and I had been a kid. There had been nothing more to it than that.
The two of them continued their chat, completely oblivious to the silent crushing of my soul. I was too humiliated to say anything about my revelation, so I kept it hidden away.
I still haven't spoken to him since my great-grandmother's 90th birthday. That was more than 10 years ago.
I have these cousins named Jessie and Jason. They're not direct cousins, they're some number removed, but I can never remember exactly how many. Anyway, they're brother and sister. I don't remember exactly how old they are, but I believe they are both a bit older than my sister, who is 3 years older than me.
Growing up, the two of them lived in Redding, so we didn't get to see them very often. Somehow, it became a tradition that the two of them would come down to visit every Easter, and stay for a few days. I was extremely young at the time, so I remember very little of their visits, but I do remember being extremely excited to know that they were on their way.
I loved both of them, but Jason was my favorite. He was by far my favorite relative outside my immediate family. I honestly could not tell you a single thing he did or said to me, but in my young mind he was the most awesome person in the world.
I don't remember when they stopped coming down for Easter or why; as far as I know, it was one of those things that just sort of happened. To my knowledge, there was no big event or anything that ended the tradition. In any case, a few years passed without me having any contact with them at all. So imagine my excitement when I heard that there was going to be a huge family reunion for my great-grandmother's 90th birthday, and that Jessie and Jason would be there.
We went to the party, which was a huge event. Jessie was relatively easy to locate, and she seemed very happy to see us all. I really don't remember what was said, I just know that she was there and we talked with her.
Jason was also at the event, but he was off to the side. He had brought his girlfriend, and from what I overheard they hadn't been together all that long, so it had to be awkward for her to be meeting his entire extended family. The two of them certainly looked uncomfortable, and I felt kind of bad for her.
I wanted to approach Jason but I was too shy, so my mom went over with me. I was still pretty young, after all. My mom started conversation, which Jason seemed none too thrilled with. She told a story about how when I was a baby, I would instantly stop crying when he held me. He seemed humiliated, and did his best to end the conversation and get out of there.
I was a bit put off, but not too badly hurt. I rationalized that it was because he was with his girlfriend; he was probably super embarrassed, especially with my mom telling childhood stories. I would get to talk to him another time.
Some months later, my family and I went on a road trip. On the way back we were passing near Redding, and we were told that Jessie and Jason might be willing to meet us for dinner as we were passing through. I was excited of course, since it had again been a while since I'd seen them.
When the day came, only Jessie came to meet us. She apologized for her brother's absence and explained he'd had other things to do. So we ate dinner with her, which was nice, but I was extremely disappointed at Jason's absence.
Another couple years passed before I saw either of them again. It was another family gathering, up in Redding at a house that belonged to one of my relatives. It's a huge house with a giant backyard, so there was plenty of room for all the people coming.
Jason was there, but so were many other relatives, so it was easy to go the whole time without talking to everyone. Being a rather shy person, I never made the effort to talk to him, and he never even acknowledged my existence.
At one point during the gathering, I was sitting in a chair next to my mother, who was talking with another one of my relatives (I can't even remember who it was). The three of us were beside a large window that looked out into the backyard, where Jason was playing a game of soccer with a bunch of the younger kids. The three of us were idly watching them play, and making general small talk.
My other relative commented on how happy they all seemed, and said that Jason would make a wonderful father someday. My mother agreed, and uttered a sentence that would shatter my view of the world:
"He's always been good with kids."
It was at this fateful moment that it hit me: Jason had never really cared about me. I'm sure he did on some level, but it was nowhere near how much I had liked him. We had no special bond. He was good with kids, and I had been a kid. There had been nothing more to it than that.
The two of them continued their chat, completely oblivious to the silent crushing of my soul. I was too humiliated to say anything about my revelation, so I kept it hidden away.
I still haven't spoken to him since my great-grandmother's 90th birthday. That was more than 10 years ago.