If Not For Fear XX
Over the next couple of weeks, what with his dreams and the gut need to get close, J.D. decided he was gonna have to take the initiative and get the two of them together despite Dale’s nervousness and need to avoid him. Maybe if he asserted himself…like he wasn’t capable of doing that when he needed to…to get Dale to stay still for a minute so they could at least have something resembling a conversation. Yeah, that’s what he’d do. He needed to be careful though not to run Dale off or frighten that little rabbit inside him.
This decision calmed him down and strengthened his resolve. He finally had a course to follow.
He had driven to the hospital one day on sheriff business and seen Dale drive away so now knew what his car looked like. On occasion, he would drive by just to see if Dale was there. One day he saw the car but when he went to turn in was overwhelmed with a sudden bout of insecurity and what if’s. He drove on by telling himself it’d be okay next time.
A couple of days later, he drove by again. Seeing Dale’s car, he pulled into the parking lot but didn’t get out. He sat, his hands on the steering wheel, gathering the courage he thought he had already gathered.
He jumped out of the car knowing he needed to before he could think of any more excuses and reasons not to see Dale. He walked up to the emergency room door…more likely to find Dale there…and before he could get to the front desk to ask for him, Dale walked out the doors to his right.
He hadn’t been looking up when he entered the room and had taken a couple steps before he looked up and saw J.D. He froze where he stood. J.D., shaking inside, grabbed the initiative he said he would show and walked over to Dale.
“Hi, Dale.” J.D. extended his hand to shake Dale’s. He saw Dale quickly look over at the desk where the nurse sat but she was on the phone so was paying no attention. He looked back at J.D. and a quick smile flashed across Dale’s face…as one would when greeting another person…but it only lasted a moment then Dale’s face reverted to one of anguish and fear. J.D. saw this but persevered…despite his own nervousness and insecurities.
Dale, looking down, finally realized that J.D. had offered his hand. He took it and they shook. Both responded to the contact of the other and both were hard-pressed to release the other’s hand so stood there for a little longer than socially acceptable before dropping their hands.
Before Dale could make any excuses and run, J.D. started talking, “So, finally get a chance to talk to you…no more accident sites and crashes in the hall.” J.D. smiled a little to show he was joking and trying to be friendly. Dale smiled weakly, looking at the nurse to see if she saw them and at the door for an escape route.
“Ya know, usually when there’s someone new I get to work with, I stop by to say hello and get to know them some…kinda introduce them to the area.” J.D. wanted to grab Dale and hold him close seeing the fear in his eyes and stance.
All Dale could think was, Please, God, don’t do this to me. I can’t stand him being this close to me, talking, looking so fucking good…please.
“I know we ain’t crossed paths much, the two of us working the way we do, but I thought I’d give it a shot and see if you had some time. Don’t know if you’ve had the chance to visit some of our illustrious bars around the area for a beer but would be right honored if you’d let me show you some of our finer establishments.” J.D. groaned, Why the hell am I talking like this? Get a grip on yourself, man!
Dale just stared at J.D., his mouth kinda open, this look of incomprehension on his face. Dale stood there frozen long enough that J.D. thought he had really made some terrible mistake. Embarrassment began to rise in him when Dale began to speak.
“I…uh…well, that’s awful good of you, Sheriff.” With J.D. this close to him, his desire was nearly uncontrollable. Yet he also knew the futility of allowing this desire to take shape with J.D. Dale closed his eyes for a moment and dropped his head. I can’t stand this anymore. I know this won’t go anywhere but it’s just too hard. Maybe I could just be his friend. Maybe I could handle just that. Maybe.
Dale had already been through a couple situations like this…falling for some straight guy…and knew the pain and heartbreak associated with that. But here was J.D. standing in front of him, all man, everything Dale liked and more. He’s making the first step. I mean, it’s just going to a bar for a beer or something, how can that hurt. Why not, ya know, it’s just a beer.
J.D. had begun to wonder if Dale was going to saying anything else or make another excuse to leave but finally Dale looked up.
“I ain’t been out since I got here…the job and all…and a beer sounds good.” Dale was smiling a little more than he had and J.D. felt a sense of joy and excitement rise up in him. It took him a moment to get his voice back.
“Well…great then! That’s great. Uh, I have to go back to my place to change. Can’t be going out in my uniform and all. Do you live near here? We could run by your house for you to get some clothes. You probably want to get outta them scrubs.”
“No, actually. I live a good ways away from here. But I have a change of clothes in the car for emergencies. I could use those.”
“Well, um, why not come on to my house. It’s only a few minutes from here and we can both change and head out…if that’s okay with you. I could drive. The bar’s not far away either so I could get you back here to your car after.”
This was running a little too fast for Dale. The thought of going to J.D.’s house was causing a bit of anxiety. Do it. Do it. Do it, he kept telling himself. Don’t stop now.
“Uh, sure. Sounds good to me. Let me get my things outta the car.” Dale turned around and walked out of the emergency room. J.D. stood there for a little bit longer then followed Dale out.
Dale came walking back toward J.D. who led him to the cruiser. They both got in and left for J.D.’s house.
There was little conversation on the way. Both were too nervous around the other, especially with the proximity. Both wanted to reach out and touch the other, feel that electric contact.
They got to J.D.’s house not long after leaving the hospital. J.D. showed Dale in and paced nervously about for a minute before showing Dale the guest room where he could change.
Dale sat on the bed, head in his hands. Get a grip! Get a grip! He’s just a friend. He wants to be your friend. You want to be his...well, that’s not what you want to be…but maybe that’s all you can get. Be thankful for that.
He got up and changed out of his hospital scrubs and into his spare clothes. He packed his bag with the scrubs and, taking a deep breath, stepped out of the room.
As he stepped into the hall, he looked to his left and there was J.D.’s room. The door was open about a third of the way, showing some of the interior of the room. As he stood there, J.D. walked to the dresser near the door and Dale could see him standing there looking for clothes.
Dale had changed his work pants to jeans, the buckle undone. He hadn’t put on his boots yet so was in his socks. What caught Dale’s attention and caused him to freeze where he stood was that J.D. wasn’t wearing a shirt and Dale could see him very clearly.
What he saw was a well-developed, strong upper body, a hairy chest…not that curly hair but the straight kind that laid flat on the chest…and arms that matched in strength. He wasn’t able to take his eyes off this sight.
J.D. had picked out a shirt and was buttoning it when he happened to glance out the door seeing Dale in the hall. Dale snapped out of his reverie and saw J.D. staring at him. Dale stiffened, his eyes going wide. He started backing up, fear erupting through him. Oh, my God! He saw me. What the hell was I doing watching him. God, now he’s gonna know. Gotta get outta here. Dale began to back up.
J.D. saw Dale’s face and the fear that was clearly written there. His heart clenched. Things had been going so good for a little while. He couldn’t lose this good first step that they had been able to make. He headed for the door to stop Dale.
“Dale, wait…”
Dale continued to back up, no longer fear but panic now showing in his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to look…I mean, I wasn’t watching…,” Dale said softly.
“Wait…it’s okay. You don’t need to leave.”
Dale had turned from the hall to the living room on his way to the door to escape. J.D.’s desire and need for Dale filled him as he rushed to stop him from leaving. Caution was thrown to the wind when he reached out to grab Dale’s arm, stopping him where he stood. There was no way for Dale to break that grip. J.D. pulled Dale towards him and up against the wall. Dale had turned his head and closed his eyes.
“Dale, what’s wrong?” Then J.D. heard what he never, ever expected to hear.
In a very quiet, pleading voice Dale said, “Please…don’t hurt me.”
“Hur…,” J.D. couldn’t even get the word out before his throat closed up, his chest tightened and it got hard to breathe. All he could do was stare...stunned. “Hurt you?” Suddenly J.D. released Dale stepping back a half-step. “I could never…it would never…happen.”
Dale stood there glancing at J.D. occasionally, the fear lessening with J.D.’s admission that he was safe.
“Dale, talk to me.”
Dale looked J.D. straight in the eyes, “I thought I could be your friend…I mean I wanted to be…but…it’s just too hard. Every time I see you… I know you don’t feel the same way…so…I just gotta go now. I’m sorry.” But Dale couldn’t move. His fear of J.D. fought with his need to stay near him.
J.D. stood there for a moment then said to Dale, “You’re wrong about me, ya know.”
J.D. placed his hands on the back of Dale’s neck, thumbs on his cheeks. Dale’s breath hitched and J.D. heard the bag hit the floor as Dale lost his grip. Dale brought one hand up to J.D.’s elbow to hold on.
J.D. leaned in and kissed Dale…not just a regular kiss but one that told Dale he was protected and cared for. Dale went weak…his dreams of the last few months all coming to pass and with the one person he had dreamt of…but never thought he could have.
When they finished, they stayed close, hugging tightly, Dale’s head on J.D.’s shoulder.
The next morning as Dale lay with his head on J.D.’s chest listening to his heart beat, running his hand through the hair on J.D.’s chest, a thought caused Dale’s eyes to pop open and a snort of a laugh break free, “Ya know, Sheriff, I don’t know your name.”
J.D. started to laugh then pulled Dale up closer so he could introduce himself properly.