Too Many Memories
Just something that crossed my mind today. Hope you enjoy.
Title: Too Many Memories
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Rating: G
Synopsis: Ennis and his memories
Disclaimer: All credit to Annie Proulx
Ennis walked down to the river, tired and worn from the near-constant riding that he and the other men had been doing on the roundup. For nearly four days straight he’d endured the other men’s attempts to get to know him…to pry mostly, Ennis thought. He had met all these attempts with silence and distance. They had finally realized that he wasn’t going to be one to sit around the fire and shoot the shit, drink themselves stupid and tell the same old sad stories about all the women they had been with…all the imagined conquests that made them men.
There had been little time for him to get away from the hard work of cows and horses and riding…little time for him to be alone with himself and his memories, the ones he kept blocked and push away from his mind. But today everything had seemed to go right so they were in camp early with a chance to take a break of sorts before their day started again.
Ennis chose to take his time away from the other men. Nobody was surprised. At this point, they hardly noticed him at all.
So he was able to go without interference or questions to spend that time alone…time he needed so he could release, if just for a moment, that knot that sat in his chest day in and day out.
He walked perhaps a half-mile from the camp. No need for concern at being lost. He had been up here a number of times and, besides, the moon was full and gave him all the light he needed to guide him away from camp. He headed for a particular spot that he had found on another round up a couple years before.
When he got there, he stopped and surveyed his surroundings. There was a fast-running stream fed from the mountains, the banks studded with giant boulders driven down by glaciers in the last ice age. Trees towering above, reaching for the sky. Mountains in the distance. The stars blanketing the sky.
He stood for a moment on a large, flat boulder close to the water…stopped and took a breath. He let one block drop in his mind…and there was Jack, just a hint, kinda like a ghost in the distance. A slight upturn to Ennis’ lips came unbidden at the image.
It had only been a couple of months since he and Jack had reunited…or rather Jack had found him. But Ennis’ need for him was great.
He let slip a couple more blocks and Jack took on more substance…his eyes clear and bright, his smile lighting up any space where he stood, his laugh ringing off the stones and trees around where Ennis stood.
Ennis could feel that knot in his chest begin to relax. He could feel a light blossom inside him…the one that rose whenever Jack was around. He stood a little straighter, breathed a little more easily. He could feel laughter begin to bubble up inside him.
Ennis could feel Jack close now and, like a starving man at a table full of food, he began to reach for memory after memory to satisfy the craving that he so rarely was able to quench. But they began to come too quickly.
He looked over at a large boulder near him and the intense and clear memory of Jack lying naked in the sun after a romp in the river, his eyes closed, his skin glowing from the sun and sex, was shown to him. Ennis began to tremble.
He looked away to the river, that last image too strong for him, but saw Jack sitting next to a fire playing his harmonica…not well but with heart because Jack was playing for him.
He looked up at the sky and remembered him and Jack, the two of them wrapped in a blanket, naked, the warmth of their bodies giving them comfort while Jack showed Ennis different stars and constellations that he had learned as a child.
He had let loose too much. He was drowning now in a flood of memories. He had only wanted to bring back a little to stave away the inner cold and warm himself for just a moment. But his need and desire for Jack were too strong.
He was shaking now and found it hard to breathe. He couldn’t stop the images…Jack galloping away from him through the sheep and Ennis giving chase, Jack cooking breakfast not knowing that Ennis had come down early and was watching him…Jack sweating, panting, his forehead in the dirt, hands clenched, begging Ennis through gritted teeth, “harder, Ennis, don’t stop…God, don’t stop.”
This last memory sent Ennis over the edge and he started to cry. He turned and took a few steps away from the river to escape but realized he couldn’t head back to camp. He turned again but the river was still there blocking his way. Trapped, he could go nowhere but down and hit the boulder he was standing on with his knees. He put one hand to his face sobbing uncontrollably and then, losing all his strength, went to all fours.
Ennis’s need for Jack was near unbearable. From the first night in the tent through the years they had lost touch till now, Jack was the one light, the one gift, the one blessing that he’d been given in his life. Jack was all that Ennis needed. But he’d had to push him away. He’d had to force Jack to leave for his own safety…for their own safety. At least that was how he saw it.
But his need versus Jack’s safety caused severe conflict in Ennis. And so every time he tried to think of Jack to ease his mind and calm his soul, the guilt of pushing him away would surface. Fire and water. Conflict and pain inside him.
He had finally begun to calm some and as he did he worked to reestablish the blocks he had in his mind to keep Jack at a distance so he could function in his day-to-day existence.
He had rocked back to sit on his heels, his eyes closed and the last of the tears drying. He wiped his face with his coat sleeve. He opened his eyes to look around him to bring himself back to the world he lived in now, flashes of images still lingering about.
And then one last memory. One last little piece of comfort for him. He remembered the time when he had told Jack they couldn’t stay together. The time when he had told Jack about Earl. And the time when Jack had reached out to stroke his face, to run his hands through the hair on the back of his head, to comfort him in a way that no one had ever done in his life. It was there, clear in Ennis’ thoughts, Jack’s hand soothing his soul. He could feel himself calm down knowing that there was someone in the world who would give him such tenderness and feeling…someone who cared for him - a scruffy, hard-edged, tight-lipped cowboy who’d never amount to nothing.
Ennis sat there for a little longer, his hands on his thighs, his head bowed, quietly letting the memories fade from the forefront of his mind. When he felt he could walk again, he went to the stream and splashed the cold mountain water on his face to wipe away the tears and snap him back to the now.
He stood up slowly looking out over the land and the sky, his hat in hand. He ran his other hand through his hair, shuffled his feet, put his hand in his pocket.
He looked at the ground for a moment, the trees and the sky. In a trembling, whispered voice he said, “I miss you, Jack. I don’t want it this way but there ain’t no other way it can be.” Another tear rolled down his face and he wiped it quickly away on his jacket sleeve.
“It won’t be long now, bud. It won’t be long. Ya gotta be strong, okay? Ya gotta come back,” here he took a deep breath and blew it out forcefully, “ya gotta come back to me…okay?”
Ennis stood a moment longer then put his hat on and turned back towards the camp. He took two steps then looked back to the river, “G’night, Jack.”
****************
In Childress, a lone tear slid down Jack’s face as he lay wide awake, the same way he had lain most every night since he had last seen Ennis. It won’t be long now, he thought, not long at all.
Title: Too Many Memories
Pairing: Ennis/Jack
Rating: G
Synopsis: Ennis and his memories
Disclaimer: All credit to Annie Proulx
Ennis walked down to the river, tired and worn from the near-constant riding that he and the other men had been doing on the roundup. For nearly four days straight he’d endured the other men’s attempts to get to know him…to pry mostly, Ennis thought. He had met all these attempts with silence and distance. They had finally realized that he wasn’t going to be one to sit around the fire and shoot the shit, drink themselves stupid and tell the same old sad stories about all the women they had been with…all the imagined conquests that made them men.
There had been little time for him to get away from the hard work of cows and horses and riding…little time for him to be alone with himself and his memories, the ones he kept blocked and push away from his mind. But today everything had seemed to go right so they were in camp early with a chance to take a break of sorts before their day started again.
Ennis chose to take his time away from the other men. Nobody was surprised. At this point, they hardly noticed him at all.
So he was able to go without interference or questions to spend that time alone…time he needed so he could release, if just for a moment, that knot that sat in his chest day in and day out.
He walked perhaps a half-mile from the camp. No need for concern at being lost. He had been up here a number of times and, besides, the moon was full and gave him all the light he needed to guide him away from camp. He headed for a particular spot that he had found on another round up a couple years before.
When he got there, he stopped and surveyed his surroundings. There was a fast-running stream fed from the mountains, the banks studded with giant boulders driven down by glaciers in the last ice age. Trees towering above, reaching for the sky. Mountains in the distance. The stars blanketing the sky.
He stood for a moment on a large, flat boulder close to the water…stopped and took a breath. He let one block drop in his mind…and there was Jack, just a hint, kinda like a ghost in the distance. A slight upturn to Ennis’ lips came unbidden at the image.
It had only been a couple of months since he and Jack had reunited…or rather Jack had found him. But Ennis’ need for him was great.
He let slip a couple more blocks and Jack took on more substance…his eyes clear and bright, his smile lighting up any space where he stood, his laugh ringing off the stones and trees around where Ennis stood.
Ennis could feel that knot in his chest begin to relax. He could feel a light blossom inside him…the one that rose whenever Jack was around. He stood a little straighter, breathed a little more easily. He could feel laughter begin to bubble up inside him.
Ennis could feel Jack close now and, like a starving man at a table full of food, he began to reach for memory after memory to satisfy the craving that he so rarely was able to quench. But they began to come too quickly.
He looked over at a large boulder near him and the intense and clear memory of Jack lying naked in the sun after a romp in the river, his eyes closed, his skin glowing from the sun and sex, was shown to him. Ennis began to tremble.
He looked away to the river, that last image too strong for him, but saw Jack sitting next to a fire playing his harmonica…not well but with heart because Jack was playing for him.
He looked up at the sky and remembered him and Jack, the two of them wrapped in a blanket, naked, the warmth of their bodies giving them comfort while Jack showed Ennis different stars and constellations that he had learned as a child.
He had let loose too much. He was drowning now in a flood of memories. He had only wanted to bring back a little to stave away the inner cold and warm himself for just a moment. But his need and desire for Jack were too strong.
He was shaking now and found it hard to breathe. He couldn’t stop the images…Jack galloping away from him through the sheep and Ennis giving chase, Jack cooking breakfast not knowing that Ennis had come down early and was watching him…Jack sweating, panting, his forehead in the dirt, hands clenched, begging Ennis through gritted teeth, “harder, Ennis, don’t stop…God, don’t stop.”
This last memory sent Ennis over the edge and he started to cry. He turned and took a few steps away from the river to escape but realized he couldn’t head back to camp. He turned again but the river was still there blocking his way. Trapped, he could go nowhere but down and hit the boulder he was standing on with his knees. He put one hand to his face sobbing uncontrollably and then, losing all his strength, went to all fours.
Ennis’s need for Jack was near unbearable. From the first night in the tent through the years they had lost touch till now, Jack was the one light, the one gift, the one blessing that he’d been given in his life. Jack was all that Ennis needed. But he’d had to push him away. He’d had to force Jack to leave for his own safety…for their own safety. At least that was how he saw it.
But his need versus Jack’s safety caused severe conflict in Ennis. And so every time he tried to think of Jack to ease his mind and calm his soul, the guilt of pushing him away would surface. Fire and water. Conflict and pain inside him.
He had finally begun to calm some and as he did he worked to reestablish the blocks he had in his mind to keep Jack at a distance so he could function in his day-to-day existence.
He had rocked back to sit on his heels, his eyes closed and the last of the tears drying. He wiped his face with his coat sleeve. He opened his eyes to look around him to bring himself back to the world he lived in now, flashes of images still lingering about.
And then one last memory. One last little piece of comfort for him. He remembered the time when he had told Jack they couldn’t stay together. The time when he had told Jack about Earl. And the time when Jack had reached out to stroke his face, to run his hands through the hair on the back of his head, to comfort him in a way that no one had ever done in his life. It was there, clear in Ennis’ thoughts, Jack’s hand soothing his soul. He could feel himself calm down knowing that there was someone in the world who would give him such tenderness and feeling…someone who cared for him - a scruffy, hard-edged, tight-lipped cowboy who’d never amount to nothing.
Ennis sat there for a little longer, his hands on his thighs, his head bowed, quietly letting the memories fade from the forefront of his mind. When he felt he could walk again, he went to the stream and splashed the cold mountain water on his face to wipe away the tears and snap him back to the now.
He stood up slowly looking out over the land and the sky, his hat in hand. He ran his other hand through his hair, shuffled his feet, put his hand in his pocket.
He looked at the ground for a moment, the trees and the sky. In a trembling, whispered voice he said, “I miss you, Jack. I don’t want it this way but there ain’t no other way it can be.” Another tear rolled down his face and he wiped it quickly away on his jacket sleeve.
“It won’t be long now, bud. It won’t be long. Ya gotta be strong, okay? Ya gotta come back,” here he took a deep breath and blew it out forcefully, “ya gotta come back to me…okay?”
Ennis stood a moment longer then put his hat on and turned back towards the camp. He took two steps then looked back to the river, “G’night, Jack.”
****************
In Childress, a lone tear slid down Jack’s face as he lay wide awake, the same way he had lain most every night since he had last seen Ennis. It won’t be long now, he thought, not long at all.