(no subject)
im such a fatass.
i can't believe people think i'm skinny. my thighs are the size of fuckin mac trucks - my stomach is a tidal wave of fat, rolling and rolling all over my mid section...
i look at people all the time and wish i had their legs - lean, thin legs - and i wish i was not as wide as some people - like i have big shoulders and im not tiny at all....
i look at people i know and say i wish i had your this or your that cause you look great or so thin and skinny - and they say what? i look at you and say that youre skinnier than me!! and im like are you fucked up in the head??? you are not fatter than me - you are so thinner and skinnier...i hate myeslf - i just can never understand how people look at what i see in the mirror and think that im skinny or thin or remotely near normal???
someone asked if i was losing weight yesterday and i said no, i eat... but my head was saying, DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT!?!?! IM GROSS! IM SO NOT LOSING ANY WEIGHT !! I WOULD LOOK BETTER THAN THIS! I WOULD BE HAPPY IF I WAS LOSING WEIGHT!!
and they say, when did you eat last, sunday? and i said no (you jackass) you saw me eating before and in my head im saying - a diet pepsi in the afternoon(0cals), a banana before work (70cals), i had a lipton cup of soup (60cal) and 5 saltines (70cal) and diet 7up (0cals) and before that i had green tea with splenda (15-20 cals, depending on the kind of green tea) and i felt really full actually, that soup really filled me up and i think that i might not have all that in one day again - it was a little much, maybe save the soup for just the one thing i eat all day and then crackers and a banana another day...
(but i would sound like a whack job if i said that out loud)
and they say no i could tell that your jeans are getting looser, and i was like WHERE ? AROUND MY ANKLES?!?! my jeans fit the same as when i got them over the summer... they wouldnt fit now if i was losing weight... and they said, well i can tell and i think that you are....
i just said i want to lose weight because i think, i know, i need to lose weight... im just not happy with my weight until i get to where i want it to be...
and they say you dont need to lose anymore... your butt is getting smaller and we can't have that!
i was like i dont have a butt to begin with! how could it have gotten smaller?
and they say see! you dont have a butt and thats why you need to eat and getting lookin better and fuller! youll look better - sexier even.
and im like if i eat, it wont go to my butt, it will go to my thighs or my stomach, or my hips and i just kinda blew it off then and walked away cause i didnt want to argue anymore and explain myself ...
no one asks any other time for me to explain anything i do or say or even recognizes that i do something... why do i hav eto explain now?? oh i dont have to... if youre going to argue over something im doing TO MYSELF and not anyone else, i dont want to here it - i dont ask you what you do or why, i just accept it cause thats you. and im me and ill do what i want
they dont understand the hatred i have towards food. i really hate it, i do. i wish that i would never have to eat again. i wish that i didnty have to eat to survive. i never want to EAT AGAIN! i want to willpower, the resistance, determination, any FUCKING thing that would get me to never want food again!!
i hate it.
i hate food.
i hate the food being around me.
i hate me.
i hate me for wanting the food.
i hate me for eating the food.
i hate me for letting me eat the food.
i wish i could never see, smell or be near food again.
i hate it.
i hate it.
i hate it.