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i wrote a short story for English...
and it kept making me laugh really hard so i thought i'd post it. hahahaha
The Little Cabbage That Could
Somewhere in that cold, dead house, the baby was crying. The baby’s name was Beorge Gush. No one heard it because it was under a pile of pillows. They were blue, and fluffy. Not the cheap kind, but the really expensive ones from Linens ‘N’ Things. The baby’s screams were also inaudible because, at that exact moment, Kohn Jerry had stubbed his toe on the armoire. He screamed. The baby screamed louder. So did Kohn.
He decided he wasn’t going to be able to get any sleep, and he might as well begin his day. Kohn started his shower, it was hot. A little too hot. He screamed again. The baby screamed louder than Kohn, and Kohn screamed louder than the baby. Kohn was an idiot. He didn’t think to turn on the cold water. The water incident wasn’t what made him an idiot; he was just born that way.
The idiot toweled off, and got dressed. He looked in his sock drawer for a fresh pair of socks. He didn’t find any. Mostly because he never paired his socks the right away, or any way for that matter. Kohn fished out a black sock, and another sock, whose color one can only guess. He guessed navy blue. It was brown. What an idiot.
Mr. Mismatch went downstairs and started a pot of coffee. The baby was still screaming. Kohn was still making coffee. He checked his watch. It was half past three. Kohn had been out partying until one am. He was still drunk, and had no idea why he was even making coffee this early in the morning. He ran to the couch and passed out.
At four am, his dog woke up and found Kohn passed out on the couch. The dog’s name was Rufus; he wore a black bandanna around his neck and resembled a nineteen year old boy. At the same time, a nineteen year old boy resembling a dog named Rufus, who wore a black bandanna, was waking up his dog. But that’s neither here nor there. Rufus licked Kohn’s hand. Kohn woke up and angrily smacked Rufus. Kohn found canine saliva disgusting, Rufus found human appendages disgusting. Things evened out. But you don’t just go around smacking dogs, its bad manners. Rufus bit Kohn. Kohn bit Rufus. They wrestled for an hour.
Suddenly, Kohn remembered the coffee he had been brewing. He got up to check on it, and it was piping hot. A little burnt, he thought, but piping hot nonetheless. Kohn Jerry wasn’t the kind of man to take things lying down, and this was certainly no exception. So he stood up, and poured his coffee into a cup.
It was five am, and time for Kohn to leave for work. He piled into his Toyota Oldsmobile 4x4. It was red. Kohn hated red. Kohn hated his car. Kohn hated his life. Nobody cared. Traveling down the highway, he realized something. He wasn’t wearing pants.
“I’ll just buy some at the Wal-Mart,” Kohn said out loud, and to himself. There weren’t any Wal-Marts in the state of New CaliforAska. Kohn Jerry was delusional. And an idiot.
He drove about five miles more down the road before his car began to explode. Kohn wasn’t aware that it was exploding. He was, however, aware that he had spilled coffee on his pants. He wasn’t wearing pants. It was very embarrassing. Kohn stopped his pick-up truck, got out, and began to wipe his pants. He wasn’t wearing pants. It was very embarrassing.
By that time, smoke had begun billowing out of his engine. Kohn panicked, and raised the hood. He really wished he had payed attention in Mechanics 101. But it was too late now, Kohn’s car was on the verge of explosion, and he had not a clue what to do. He called 911. They told him he was an idiot. Kohn cried. 911 had pity on Kohn, so they connected him to the towing service. He stopped crying, and began waiting for the tow truck. It came at eight am.
The Oldsmobile was impounded, and crushed into a tiny square of rusty, broken down metal. Kohn cried. Again. He couldn’t bear the inhumanity of the day’s events. Kohn’s cell phone rang. It was Chick Deney. Chick wanted to know if Kohn needed a ride anywhere. What a coincidence!!! It just so happens that Kohn’s car had broken down, and he needed a ride home.
Ten minutes later, Chick Deney’s ’08 Firebird Mustang Trans Am XLC rolled into the parking lot of Gene’s Car Lot. Kohn got in, and asked Chick if he could smoke in the car. Chick said it was alright. Kohn feverishly searched for his cigarettes, and lit one. He had never smoked a day in his life, and this was no time to start.
Chick’s car rolled into the driveway of Kohn’s one-bedroom apartment. They sat in silence for a minute or two. The end of a first date is always awkward, and this one was no exception. Kohn moved to hug Chick, and Chick got mixed signal and tried to kiss Kohn’s cheek. At that moment, Kohn turned his head and met Chick’s lips with his. They didn’t move, they didn’t speak, and they didn’t breathe. They just sat there, lips locked, in silence. It was a very bad situation. Just then, Kohn heard a baby crying in the distance. He ignored it because, at that moment, he began to feel a sharp jab in his side. Chick was literally kicking him out of the car. As soon as Kohn’s butt hit the concrete, Chick was gone.
Kohn unlocked his door, and went inside. He could hear the baby crying. Kohn began to cry. The baby cried louder than Kohn, and Kohn cried louder than the baby. All of a sudden, Kohn stopped crying. He went upstairs to find the little cabbage. Only it wasn’t a cabbage, it was a baby, as you’ll soon find out. He ravaged through the expensive blue pillows, until he found the baby at the bottom. Kohn picked up little Beorge Gush and hugged him, tightly, to his chest, the way a mother does to her newborn child. So many feelings flooded Kohn all at once. Love and hope, happiness and despair. He had so many things to sort out! But, the most important predicament at hand…How the hell was he going to get to Kinko’s to print up the Baby for Sale signs?
and it kept making me laugh really hard so i thought i'd post it. hahahaha
The Little Cabbage That Could
Somewhere in that cold, dead house, the baby was crying. The baby’s name was Beorge Gush. No one heard it because it was under a pile of pillows. They were blue, and fluffy. Not the cheap kind, but the really expensive ones from Linens ‘N’ Things. The baby’s screams were also inaudible because, at that exact moment, Kohn Jerry had stubbed his toe on the armoire. He screamed. The baby screamed louder. So did Kohn.
He decided he wasn’t going to be able to get any sleep, and he might as well begin his day. Kohn started his shower, it was hot. A little too hot. He screamed again. The baby screamed louder than Kohn, and Kohn screamed louder than the baby. Kohn was an idiot. He didn’t think to turn on the cold water. The water incident wasn’t what made him an idiot; he was just born that way.
The idiot toweled off, and got dressed. He looked in his sock drawer for a fresh pair of socks. He didn’t find any. Mostly because he never paired his socks the right away, or any way for that matter. Kohn fished out a black sock, and another sock, whose color one can only guess. He guessed navy blue. It was brown. What an idiot.
Mr. Mismatch went downstairs and started a pot of coffee. The baby was still screaming. Kohn was still making coffee. He checked his watch. It was half past three. Kohn had been out partying until one am. He was still drunk, and had no idea why he was even making coffee this early in the morning. He ran to the couch and passed out.
At four am, his dog woke up and found Kohn passed out on the couch. The dog’s name was Rufus; he wore a black bandanna around his neck and resembled a nineteen year old boy. At the same time, a nineteen year old boy resembling a dog named Rufus, who wore a black bandanna, was waking up his dog. But that’s neither here nor there. Rufus licked Kohn’s hand. Kohn woke up and angrily smacked Rufus. Kohn found canine saliva disgusting, Rufus found human appendages disgusting. Things evened out. But you don’t just go around smacking dogs, its bad manners. Rufus bit Kohn. Kohn bit Rufus. They wrestled for an hour.
Suddenly, Kohn remembered the coffee he had been brewing. He got up to check on it, and it was piping hot. A little burnt, he thought, but piping hot nonetheless. Kohn Jerry wasn’t the kind of man to take things lying down, and this was certainly no exception. So he stood up, and poured his coffee into a cup.
It was five am, and time for Kohn to leave for work. He piled into his Toyota Oldsmobile 4x4. It was red. Kohn hated red. Kohn hated his car. Kohn hated his life. Nobody cared. Traveling down the highway, he realized something. He wasn’t wearing pants.
“I’ll just buy some at the Wal-Mart,” Kohn said out loud, and to himself. There weren’t any Wal-Marts in the state of New CaliforAska. Kohn Jerry was delusional. And an idiot.
He drove about five miles more down the road before his car began to explode. Kohn wasn’t aware that it was exploding. He was, however, aware that he had spilled coffee on his pants. He wasn’t wearing pants. It was very embarrassing. Kohn stopped his pick-up truck, got out, and began to wipe his pants. He wasn’t wearing pants. It was very embarrassing.
By that time, smoke had begun billowing out of his engine. Kohn panicked, and raised the hood. He really wished he had payed attention in Mechanics 101. But it was too late now, Kohn’s car was on the verge of explosion, and he had not a clue what to do. He called 911. They told him he was an idiot. Kohn cried. 911 had pity on Kohn, so they connected him to the towing service. He stopped crying, and began waiting for the tow truck. It came at eight am.
The Oldsmobile was impounded, and crushed into a tiny square of rusty, broken down metal. Kohn cried. Again. He couldn’t bear the inhumanity of the day’s events. Kohn’s cell phone rang. It was Chick Deney. Chick wanted to know if Kohn needed a ride anywhere. What a coincidence!!! It just so happens that Kohn’s car had broken down, and he needed a ride home.
Ten minutes later, Chick Deney’s ’08 Firebird Mustang Trans Am XLC rolled into the parking lot of Gene’s Car Lot. Kohn got in, and asked Chick if he could smoke in the car. Chick said it was alright. Kohn feverishly searched for his cigarettes, and lit one. He had never smoked a day in his life, and this was no time to start.
Chick’s car rolled into the driveway of Kohn’s one-bedroom apartment. They sat in silence for a minute or two. The end of a first date is always awkward, and this one was no exception. Kohn moved to hug Chick, and Chick got mixed signal and tried to kiss Kohn’s cheek. At that moment, Kohn turned his head and met Chick’s lips with his. They didn’t move, they didn’t speak, and they didn’t breathe. They just sat there, lips locked, in silence. It was a very bad situation. Just then, Kohn heard a baby crying in the distance. He ignored it because, at that moment, he began to feel a sharp jab in his side. Chick was literally kicking him out of the car. As soon as Kohn’s butt hit the concrete, Chick was gone.
Kohn unlocked his door, and went inside. He could hear the baby crying. Kohn began to cry. The baby cried louder than Kohn, and Kohn cried louder than the baby. All of a sudden, Kohn stopped crying. He went upstairs to find the little cabbage. Only it wasn’t a cabbage, it was a baby, as you’ll soon find out. He ravaged through the expensive blue pillows, until he found the baby at the bottom. Kohn picked up little Beorge Gush and hugged him, tightly, to his chest, the way a mother does to her newborn child. So many feelings flooded Kohn all at once. Love and hope, happiness and despair. He had so many things to sort out! But, the most important predicament at hand…How the hell was he going to get to Kinko’s to print up the Baby for Sale signs?