Gravitation, Untitled, Eiri, Tatsuha rated PG-13 for language
I'm supposed to be working on my Bang*Bang story but instead I wrote this while I was updating my other journal during my 'dwaddling' time. It's basically crack but there is real love for the Uesugi siblings behind it, I swear. Also, so much love for Tohma, I don't care how much of a dick he is. So-swearing and mentions of canon pairings.
"Not that fucking Nittle Grasper video again," Eiri muttered as he hunted for a lighter. Tatsuha tossed one to him.
"Go back to your study if you don't want to see it," he said, not taking his eyes of the tv as his older brother sat down on the sofa.
"Fuck you, it's my house," Eiri said companionably. "Say one word about Sakuma Ryuichi and I'm throwing your ass out," he warned when Tatsuha opened his mouth.
Tatsuha barely missed a beat. "Norkio and Tohma are super-hot, too," he said. "Only I haven't tried to put the moves on either of them because Noriko would kill me and Tohma would freeze my balls off from thirty paces."
Eiri blew smoke at the back of his brother's head. "Dye your hair and you could probably get Tohma in a pity fuck," he offered.
"No way!" Tatsuha paused the video and turned around. Eiri exhaled another cloud of second-hand smoke directly into his face; Tatsuha's eyes gleamed darkly out of it. "No way," he repeated. "Tohma's into you?"
"Of course he is. Not only does he do blondes, but there is also the Uesugi charm to contend with," Eiri said. "It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Poor bastard."
"No shit." Tatsuha raised both eyebrows. "So, did you do him?"
Eiri took a long drag on the cigarette before letting Tatsuha steal a puff. "Of course not. That's why I said you could get him in a pity fuck if you dyed your hair. Tell you what, though, he's got great hands," he said, nodding at the tv as he took his cigarette back.
Tatsuha swiveled to look at the screen. The video was paused on a close up of their brother-in-law. He eyed his hands critically. "True, true." He squinted back at his brother. "Did you stop him at petting or did you let him cop a feel. I want to know how good my chances are."
"I couldn't possibly tell," Eiri said primly, putting his hands in his lap. Then he made a crude gesture, the cigarette smoke trailing his hand as if in emphasis.
"Oh my god! You bastard! You're fucking cruel!" Tatsuha hooted gleefully.
Eiri smiled slightly. "I was almost surprised that he didn't hop the first train to Kyoto with nothing more than a condom and some hair coloring."
"You're full of it," Tatsuha scoffed. "Tohma into guys and digging you is one thing, but trying anything? He's got to know that Mika'd find out and kick his nuts in. Twice. Once for her and once for you."
"What makes you think Mika doesn't already know?"
Tatsuha's eyes widened. "No shit? And what? She's okay with that?"
"She's an Uesugi," Eiri smirked, gesturing between himself and his younger brother to underline his point, "if she had problems with it she'd be a widow by now. Why do you think Tohma worships the ground she walks on? Hell, he'd bow down to the ground she even considers walking on."
"Aniki?" Tatsuha said after a moment of stunned silence.
"Hm?"
"Our esteemed elder sister is the most awesome woman ever."
"Yes," Eiri said, slapping Tatsuha's raised hand with his own in a celebratory high-five, wind-milling down for Tatsuha to catch him again on the flipside. "She certainly is."
"Not that fucking Nittle Grasper video again," Eiri muttered as he hunted for a lighter. Tatsuha tossed one to him.
"Go back to your study if you don't want to see it," he said, not taking his eyes of the tv as his older brother sat down on the sofa.
"Fuck you, it's my house," Eiri said companionably. "Say one word about Sakuma Ryuichi and I'm throwing your ass out," he warned when Tatsuha opened his mouth.
Tatsuha barely missed a beat. "Norkio and Tohma are super-hot, too," he said. "Only I haven't tried to put the moves on either of them because Noriko would kill me and Tohma would freeze my balls off from thirty paces."
Eiri blew smoke at the back of his brother's head. "Dye your hair and you could probably get Tohma in a pity fuck," he offered.
"No way!" Tatsuha paused the video and turned around. Eiri exhaled another cloud of second-hand smoke directly into his face; Tatsuha's eyes gleamed darkly out of it. "No way," he repeated. "Tohma's into you?"
"Of course he is. Not only does he do blondes, but there is also the Uesugi charm to contend with," Eiri said. "It's like shooting fish in a barrel. Poor bastard."
"No shit." Tatsuha raised both eyebrows. "So, did you do him?"
Eiri took a long drag on the cigarette before letting Tatsuha steal a puff. "Of course not. That's why I said you could get him in a pity fuck if you dyed your hair. Tell you what, though, he's got great hands," he said, nodding at the tv as he took his cigarette back.
Tatsuha swiveled to look at the screen. The video was paused on a close up of their brother-in-law. He eyed his hands critically. "True, true." He squinted back at his brother. "Did you stop him at petting or did you let him cop a feel. I want to know how good my chances are."
"I couldn't possibly tell," Eiri said primly, putting his hands in his lap. Then he made a crude gesture, the cigarette smoke trailing his hand as if in emphasis.
"Oh my god! You bastard! You're fucking cruel!" Tatsuha hooted gleefully.
Eiri smiled slightly. "I was almost surprised that he didn't hop the first train to Kyoto with nothing more than a condom and some hair coloring."
"You're full of it," Tatsuha scoffed. "Tohma into guys and digging you is one thing, but trying anything? He's got to know that Mika'd find out and kick his nuts in. Twice. Once for her and once for you."
"What makes you think Mika doesn't already know?"
Tatsuha's eyes widened. "No shit? And what? She's okay with that?"
"She's an Uesugi," Eiri smirked, gesturing between himself and his younger brother to underline his point, "if she had problems with it she'd be a widow by now. Why do you think Tohma worships the ground she walks on? Hell, he'd bow down to the ground she even considers walking on."
"Aniki?" Tatsuha said after a moment of stunned silence.
"Hm?"
"Our esteemed elder sister is the most awesome woman ever."
"Yes," Eiri said, slapping Tatsuha's raised hand with his own in a celebratory high-five, wind-milling down for Tatsuha to catch him again on the flipside. "She certainly is."