Reposting from ShoneenClub's March contest
THIS is the fic that I was sure would get me kicked out of fandom. Remarkably it seems that whatever crack I am on, the rest of fandom is on it too because this actually won the 'fan kiss' award in the contest. I am honored and humbled. You can find a complete list of winners and reveals here.
I've left the header of the fic intact, added a bit to the notes, and wrote two tiny epilogues to go with it.
Title: Troublemaker
Rating: PG
Summary: Sho is God. Nino is the Devil. Together they have staff meetings!
Prompt(s): Luck, Green, Beer, Fist-Fights.
Notes: To those of you who listened to me rail about this (most notably Andii and Liron) thank you. Thank you so much more than I can ever say. You kept me sane and you gave me wonderful ideas. ILU.
Troublemaker
Sho is on his way to buy a cup of coffee when he gets made God entirely by accident.
One moment he's opening the door of his favorite coffee shop and the next he's in a room that is white and blank and featureless to every imaginable degree. There is a Presence and a cherubically faced angel standing there.
"Sakurai Sho," says the Presence, "This Is Ohno Satoshi."
The angel waves at him a little. "Hi."
The Presence radiates fondness and love at the angel. And then at Sho. "Decide Your Fate," it says.
"Rock, paper, scissors," chants the angel.
Sho instinctively throws rock.
The angel throws scissors.
"YES!" Ohno says, pumping his fist in the air.
"Uh-" says Sho, looking at his fist dumbly.
"Congratulations, God," says the Presence. "Now, I Believe You Have A Staff Meeting To Attend."
"I'll show him where it is," says the angel, taking Sho by the hand.
"What?" says Sho.
"Where?" shrieks Sho when he is led down a dark, dirty back-alley to the door of a seedy, sleazy looking bar.
"It's your weekly staff meeting with Satan," Ohno says serenely. "He gets to pick the place because otherwise he won't show up. Do your best!" he adds, patting Sho on the back and disappearing.
"I don't know what I'm doing!" Sho wails to the empty alley. There is no answer, no angel, and no Presence. Sho takes a deep breath and tastes squalid misery in the air (also: a fair amount of piss and vomit) and opens the door to the bar.
It's a cramped, dim, dingy place. Everybody in it seems to be fairly coated with a thin, dark layer of oozy sludge. With the exception of one unexceptional young man at a corner table; he is wearing a white t-shirt that says 'Kiss Me, I'm the Devil' in pink, glittery writing. There is a Chihuahua sitting on the floor beside him. He waves Sho over, tossing flyaway wisps of dark hair out of his gold-brown eyes as he does so.
"Um," says Sho, pausing next to the stained and rickety table. How does one even ask, he wonders.
"Hi, I'm Nino," says the young man. He kicks the other chair away from the table so that Sho can sit without touching the chair with his hands. Not that THAT will help, he thinks as he sits down gingerly. "Otherwise known as Satan."
"Uh, Sho," Sho introduces himself. He wonders if he should shake hands with the devil or if doing so would constitute some sort of eternally binding contract for his soul. "I don't know what I'm doing here."
Nino folds his arms on the table, rests his chin on his arms and smiles kittenishly. He looks charming and young and adorable. "It's a staff meeting. Otherwise known as a pain in the ass."
"Right," Sho agrees. "They told me that but-"
"How'd Johnny get you, anyway?" Nino interrupts.
"Johnny?" Sho asks.
"The pan-denominational deity that did your job interview," Nino explains with a wave of his hand. "I call him Johnny. Let me guess-you were helping some old bat cross the street, right?"
"I was going to get coffee," Sho corrects "and then I-"
"Booooring," Nino interrupts again. "Must be a God thing. Johnny picked me up out of a strip club." He says the last bit proudly, without any clue as to whether he was watching or taking off his clothes at the time it happened.
Sho stares at him, feeling discombobulated. "I was going to get coffee," he repeats, "and the next thing I knew I was in a match of rock-paper-scissors with an angel named Ohno of all things!"
Nino perks up a bit, sitting up in his chair. "Oh-chan?" Then, "Oh, hey, let me buy you a drink." He flags down a waitress in a too-tight top before Sho can tell him that he doesn't want a drink.
The waitress gives them a dead stare. "What'll it be?" she asks tiredly.
Sho takes both of her hands in his. "Bless you," he says sincerely.
"Well, this is just great," Nino bitches as the waitress blinks slowly at them.
In the next moment the waitress sets her tray on their table and walks away. The Chihuahua sitting beside Nino barks and follows her out the door.
"She's going to go dump the jerk who hits her, move back in with her parents, go back to school and meet the girl of her dreams. They're going to foster at-risk children and have a dog and a cat and two birds," Sho says. He's not sure how he knows this but he knows, absolutely, that this is the fate of their former waitress.
"Fine, fine, good," Nino gripes, "but who's going to bring us more beer?" he slaps both hands on the table, stands, and storms out.
"You've got a staff meeting with Jun, next," Ohno Satoshi says pleasantly when Sho exits the bar after paying for Nino's drinks.
"But-" says Sho.
Ohno takes him by the hand. "I'll show you how to get to Limbo," he says.
Limbo is not the dull, gray place that Sho thinks it is going to be.
Limbo has a lot of purple and a lot of sparkle to it. Somehow it manages to be energetic and upbeat instead of tacky. Sho is impressed.
"I'm Jun; I run Purgatory," says a slender young man sitting behind an elegant desk. "Do your job, stay out of my way, and we'll get along just fine."
Sho sits down and looks at Jun.
Jun looks back at him over the top of his glasses.
"What IS my job?" Sho asks.
Jun sighs and looks over Sho's shoulder. "Satoshi?" he says.
"He had a meeting with Nino," Ohno replies promptly. "He Inspired the waitress and Nino left."
Jun pushes up his glasses and rubs at his eyes. "Could you not do that in front of Nino?" Jun asks politely. "It makes him cranky."
"And she took the hell-hound," Ohno adds.
Jun drops his hands and gives Sho a Look. "Great," he says on a gusty sigh.
"I'm-sorry?" Sho tries.
At that, Jun sighs yet again. "No, don't be sorry. You were doing your job. We-and the other deities from other theologies-sort out the good from the evil in the Universe. You Inspire people to do good, keep track of the angels, answer prayers, all the usual things. Nino's job is just the opposite-he's got to draw the evil out of a person by Tempting them. He's good at his job but he's a brat about the paperwork and the hours. Inspiring somebody in front of him is a good way to get him to leave. Don't do it again and if you can't help yourself, do it at the end of your meeting."
"Oh," says Sho. "I was just on my way to get a cup of coffee."
Jun looks at him for a long moment and then turns to the gigantic espresso machine behind his desk. "I'll make you one," he says quietly. And then, more quietly still, "You get used to it, you know."
Sho decides that he likes Jun a lot and vows to do his best by him.
Ohno Satoshi turns out to be a bit more than an angel, in some ways. He's the Gatekeeper for Heaven (making his official title 'Saint Peter') and Sho's personal assistant. Mostly, however, he is Sho's sounding board as Sho gets used to his new job. Sho sees him every day and gets to like him very much. "What would I do without you, Satoshi," he says one day, a few months in to being God.
Smiling, Ohno just shrugs.
Sho sees Ohno and Jun every day but, despite the truly staggering amount of paperwork they generate together, he only sees Nino once a week. The meetings are always at happy hour and always at a bar because Nino likes to drink.
Tonight he is doing Jell-O shots in red and yellow and green and blue and purple, spread out on the table between them like a five-color rainbow. There are five dogs arrayed around Nino's chair like an honor guard.
Against his better judgment, Sho thinks Nino is cute. He can't help himself. Nino feeds the dogs beer-nuts and pouts about their paperwork like a nap-time toddler and spends half his time doing card tricks that are so amazing they make Sho forget himself and clap his hands. When he does, Nino beams at him, so sweet that Sho sometimes forgets that Nino is the Devil.
Nino always finds a way to remind him.
"Hey, you know what we should do?" Nino asks him one night as he does another card trick for him. "Quarterly meetings with the other deities are coming up-we should do them at the same place and swap notes after."
"Quarterly meetings, huh?" Ohno had made some vague noise about something that sounded like that. "With the Norse mythological gods, right?"
"Not me," Nino says, changing the nine of diamonds into the ace of spades. "I've got the Pagan set next. But we should still do them at the same time and swap notes, don't you think?"
Sho is really rather proud of Nino's reasoning on this front. "Okay," he says.
"Great!" Nino grins at him.
That grin and enthusiasm should have been a clue, Sho thinks regretfully a week later.
"MORE BEER!" Odin shouts, banging his bottle on the table.
"MORE BEER!" echoes the echelon of pagan gods at Nino's table.
"More beer!" Nino giggles. Sho has never seen him so drunk. His face is flushed and he's listing widely in his chair and Sho can't even see the top of Nino's table thanks to all the empty beer bottles and shot glasses.
"No more beer," Sho requests politely.
He ends up ferrying the other Gods back home because he doesn't want a pan-denominational incident. He saves Nino for last, however, so that he can lay in to him for wrecking their meetings. "C'mon, Nino, up we go," he says, tugging Nino out of chair. The huge wolfhound that is his companion tonight makes a whuffling sound and rise to its feet as well. Sho is pretty sure the dog is drunk, too.
Nino plasters himself to Sho's side, unbelievably warm for somebody who resembles a porcelain doll. "Sho-chan," he slurs. "Sho-chan, I had fun tonight."
"You're drunk, Nino," Sho begins.
"I am so drunk," Nino giggles, nosing up under Sho's arm. "You smell nice. So nice. Sho-chan," he croons and strokes his arm.
Sho sighs. There is no way to talk sense to Nino tonight. "Let's get you home," is what he says.
The Gates of Hell are guarded by a sweet-faced young man in a white lab coat and protective gloves.
"Um," says Sho, unsure of the protocol here.
The young man looks up from his hissing beaker and smiles, giving him a little wave. "Hi!"
Sho is reminded of Ohno. "Sorry," he says, "but I'm-"
"You're Sho-chan!" says the man. "Nino talks about you a lot."
"Oh," says Sho, startled and a bit pleased. "Ah, well, I-"
"I'm Aiba Masaki," he introduces himself, stripping off one glove and offering his hand out to shake. "I'm Ohno's opposite number."
His hand, when Sho shakes it, is unbelievably cold. "Ah!" he says, flexing his fingers when they let go.
"Liquid nitrogen!" he says, waving at his beaker. "You've heard the expression 'when Hell freezes over', right? I want to see if I can actually make it happen and if people have to keep their word once it does."
Aiba doesn't seem evil enough to be the keeper to the Gates of Hell but, then, Nino doesn't seem evil enough to be the Devil. "Nice to meet you," he says. Aiba beams at him.
"Aiba-chan, Sho-chan brought me ho~~me," Nino carols from his awkward perch on Sho's back.
Sho shifts, adjusting Nino so that his knees are no longer poking him in the kidneys. "If you just point me the right way," he says, nodding meaningfully at the gate, "I'll just-"
For a moment, Aiba looks stunned. The next moment he is hurrying around to Sho's side and tugging Nino off his back. "You can't go in," he explains, hefting Nino on to his own back. "You're God."
Which makes a certain kind of sense, Sho supposes. He feels a little disappointed, however, as Nino cuddles up to Aiba.
"Aiba-chan," Nino hums, "Sho-chan smells good."
Aiba smiles at him. "That's nice, Nino," he says and they disappear through the gate, leaving Sho standing there, staring after them.
Sho relates the story to Ohno and Jun when he gets home.
"You don't have to cart them all home," Jun says, smoothing a hand over his face to wipe away a smile that looks like a laugh. "Just like your default location is Heaven, they have their own defaults for when they leave the mortal world."
Ohno is in stitches.
"Thankfully Nino's about as heavy as he looks," Sho says, still feeling the remembered weight of Nino on his back.
Ohno and Jun both give him surprised looks. "You carried him?" Jun asks.
Sho nods.
Jun and Ohno glance at each other but they don't say anything.
"He said I smell nice," Sho offers into the silence.
Their laughter, while almost deafening, is nice he decides.
"How come you always have a dog with you?" Sho asks Nino one night as they do their paperwork on a table Sho still doesn't want to touch.
Nino looks at the mutt that is lying contentedly over his feet. "Hell-hounds," he says with a shrug.
Sho shakes his head.
"They just kind of follow me around," Nino told him, shuffling his cards. "Sort of like how birds and stuff flock around you."
"How birds-?" Sho questions.
Nino gives him a look that is very similar to some of the looks that Jun gives him. "Haven't you noticed that stray animals follow you around whenever you're on Earth?" Nino asked patiently. "Birds flock above you, squirrels and stuff run to meet you?"
"Koi swim up to the bridges when I'm on them at the gardens!" Sho puts in excitedly.
"They do that to everybody," Nino waves it off. "They're gluttons. Anyhow, for me I get devil-dogs and snakes and the like."
Sho looks at the old mutt. "But he doesn't look evil," he says.
Nino looks at the dog, too, and nudges it with one foot, petting over his ribs. "He's not, he's just-no, don't!" he exclaims as Sho reaches down to pet the dog, too.
The dog's eyes glow red, his lips peel back over improbable, impossible fangs, and it howls so chillingly that Sho freezes. And then it bites him. "Ouch!" He draws his hand back and it is dripping with blood already. The dog howls again
"Protective," Nino says, shoulders slumping.
"And then he just left," Sho tells Satoshi and Jun as Jun bandages his hand in Limbo.
Ohno and Jun exchange looks.
"Never touch the hell hounds," Jun says, dabbing at him with an alcohol pad. "We're going to be knee-deep in new arrivals now."
Sho makes a questioning sound.
"The hounds of hell have had a taste of blood. It unleashes a lot of evil. There's going to be a lot of bad stuff happening to good people until Nino can get things under control down there."
"But it didn't look evil," Sho says.
"They're not evil but they're fierce against anybody who isn't Nino."
"Nino," says Ohno, "is the first person who was ever kind to them in their lives. So they follow him."
"Oh."
Nino doesn't show up for their next two meetings and finally Sho makes his way down to the pit of Hell.
Aiba is busy with an armful of rabbits and a stack of boxes with holes in the sides at the Gate. He doesn't seem to notice Sho standing there as he packs rabbits into boxes at an amazing speed.
"Uh-Aiba?" Sho tries.
Aiba startles and then smiles at him. "Sho-chan! What brings you here?" he asks, stuffing more rabbits into more boxes.
"Um," says Sho after a few minutes of watching Aiba box rabbits, "I was looking for Nino?"
"Oh, Nino's on a bunny-run," Aiba explains. "We're swamped down here."
"Bunny run?" Sho asks.
"Mm," Aiba agrees. "It's the best way to deal with the overflow."
Sho doesn't often still feel new at his job, but there are times... "Ahh," he says.
Aiba grins at him and boxes yet another rabbit. "Right now the evil is spilling out faster than we can deal with it, so Nino is dropping off bunnies with people who have it really bad."
"Animal therapy?" Sho asks. It seems like such an odd solution but he remembers newspaper articles about the therapeutic effects of animals from when he was human, so who knows, he figures.
"They're not really bunnies," Aiba tells him. "I just dress up the Urges because it's funny that way."
"Urges?"
"You know, bunnies? And people who…you know, like bunnies?"
Sho smiles and nods even though he doesn't understand. He really hopes that bestiality is not the answer to this situation.
"Fucking like bunnies keeps them too busy to do a lot of evil stuff," Aiba says plainly.
Sho doesn't see Nino again for nearly two months. He finds that he misses him but-as Jun predicted-they have a lot of work of their own to do. When he does see Nino again it's at the Gate of Heaven.
"Aiba said you came looking for me," says Nino. He looks pale and tired and he's leaning companionably against Ohno at the podium. Ohno is petting his hair in a distracted manner as he ticks off names in the big book of arrivals.
"We've got a backlog of paperwork," Sho informs him regretfully.
Nino nods and Sho can't help himself. He wants to do something for Nino. This is all his fault, after all. "Meet me tomorrow," he says. "I'll bring wine, okay?"
Nino's eyes are bright as he says, "Okay."
"Maybe this was a bad idea," Sho suggests as the rumbling of stone and mortar dies away.
"No, no," Nino coughs politely, waving away the dust that's hanging heavy in the air. "This was a lovely idea."
Sho looks at the ruins of the church. He didn't want to cast any blame but all the same… "I'm pretty sure it was sturdy until you set foot on the steps."
"Oh, it was," Nino beams and pats a fallen stone. It crumbles to dust under his hand. "Massive desecration will do that to a church."
"I only wanted-" says Sho helplessly.
And Nino smiles at him, open and real. "I know," he says. "I was hoping that the invitation might make the difference. Hey, can I drag this down to Hell with me?" he changes the subject suddenly, toeing the door of the church that lay at his feet. "Aiba would love it and we kind of need a new gate."
Sho bends over and picks up the top of the door while Nino grins and grabs the bottom. Nino's end warps and cracks and twists on the trip but Nino seems so pleased with it that Sho is actually happy about his failed attempt to do something nice for Nino.
He still wants to do what he can to make this easier on Nino, though, so Sho invites Jun to their next meeting.
Jun looks hesitant at first but finally agrees. "If you insist," he says. Sho thinks it has something to do with the way Ohno pokes him in the spine but ignores it gracefully.
Much like the multi-denominational meeting, however, this proves to be a massive mistake on Sho's part. Nino does not seem pleased to see Jun.
"Sho-chan and I defiled a church," Nino tells him. He is practically draped around Sho's shoulders.
"It was an accident," Sho tells Jun.
Jun blinks in the most expressive manner that Sho has ever seen. "About the murder-suicides where they took out the whole family," Jun says, shuffling papers.
Nino crawls into Sho's lap. "Want to see a magic trick?" he asks.
"Get down from there," Jun snaps at him.
In answer, Nino curls even closer and ignores Jun completely. "I made up a new trick on my own before the bunny-runs."
"Uh," says Sho. Nino is soft and warm against him and he really can't help tucking his dark head under his chin. "I guess it's okay if he wants to sit here. As long as we can talk about the murder-suicides," he adds. He doesn't really want to talk about it, however. He'd kind of like to see Nino's magic trick.
Nino smirks at Jun as though he's heard Sho's thoughts.
Jun huffs. "It is NOT okay if he sits on your lap. He's Satan and you're God."
"But we're friends," Sho protests.
Nino jerks back and looks at him.
"Aren't we?" he asks. Nino's smile is tentative and shy and possibly the cutest thing Sho has seen outside of a score of laughing babies. He hugs Nino a little closer and appeals to Jun. "Aren't we all friends?"
"This," says Jun. Then he stops and starts again. "You have no clue what a bad idea this is, do you?"
"Oh dry up, Jun," Nino suggests.
"Nino, I'm just thinking about your job," says Jun. "About both of your jobs, really."
Nino looks up at Sho. "He talks a good game but he's the one who got into a fist-fight with Shiva over me."
"It was one punch!" Jun snaps.
Sho doesn't really understand the problem. "This just makes things more efficient," he says, talking around this interesting tidbit of information. "In fact…" the idea is so sudden and so glorious that Sho can't believe he didn't think of it before. "In fact, we should have daily meeting." He says the last bit to Nino. "Wouldn't that be great?" He's so happy with things that he squishes Nino's cheeks affectionately while Nino pulls a face. "We could see each other every day."
Jun puts a hand over his face.
Nino gets out of his lap and leaves.
"…what?" says Sho.
"You're God," says Jun, "and he's the Devil." Jun's voice is very patient, like he's explaining something to a small child. "You're supposed to stay away from each other."
"But," says Sho.
"The balance of the universe is at stake," Jun tells him with finality.
"All right," Sho agrees, wilting.
He says 'all right' but he finds out the next morning that it isn't.
"Nino quit last night," is how Ohno greets him. "Jun's pissed."
"Shit," Sho sighs.
"You have a meeting with the new Satan in five minutes," Ohno tells him.
Sho's heart is in his shoes. "I don't want to do that now," he tells Ohno.
Ohno takes him gently by the hand. "I'll show you how to get there."
"Here?" Sho asks, aghast.
"It's nice," Ohno tells him.
'Here' is a dog park, with lots of trees and bushes and benches. It's beautiful, and a lovely Spring day to boot. Sho wishes it was a creepy, skanky bar instead.
"Do your best," Ohno encourages him before disappearing.
"Sho-chan!" Aiba calls, waving. He's running with an entire pack of hell hounds behind him. "Sho-chan! Nino made me Satan before he left!" He skids to a stop next to Sho and then peers at him in concern. "What's the matter, Sho-chan?"
"Nothing," Sho says, doing his best to swallow back his disappointment and focus on his job.
Aiba smiles. "You shouldn't lie, Sho-chan. I always know when somebody is lying."
"Nino quit," Sho confesses.
Aiba bites his lip and then leans forward confidentially. "He's mortal again," he whispers. "He's back on Earth. Somewhere."
Mortal. On Earth. If that's the case, then Sho can find him. Even if Nino doesn't believe in God, if he is a believer in some other religion, Shintoist or something, Sho can have the other deities track him down.
"Oops," says Aiba with a giggle.
Sho turns to look at him and finds
A white, blank void that is featureless to every imaginable degree. There is a Presence and Ohno waiting for him.
"Sakurai Sho," says Johnny. "You Are Playing Favorites Amongst The Humans."
"It's Nino!" Sho protests. "I just want to make sure he's okay!"
"That Does Not Matter," Johnny tells him. He radiates a kind of stern, paternal love. "You Must Be Unbiased In All Matters."
"Just-" Sho says desperately. "I won't go see him myself. I'll send Ohno to look in on him," he bargains.
"Decide Your Fate Now," Johnny says.
Sho looks at Ohno.
Ohno raises his fist. "Rock, paper, scissors…"
Sho throws rock out of sheer frustration.
Ohno throws paper. "Oh," he says, looking at his hand. "I thought you were going to do scissors," he says.
"This Is Fate," says Johnny, radiating amusement. "I Believe You Have A Meeting To Attend Now."
"But I don't-!" Sho starts to protest.
"I'll show him the way," Ohno says, taking him by the hand one more time. "C'mon, Sho-chan."
"I don't want to!" Sho protests but he gets no answer. He looks around. He's on a busy sidewalk, standing in front of the door to a coffee shop. There is no Presence, no Ohno, nothing but a line forming behind him and some quizzical looks. "Sorry," he says, pulling the door open and stepping inside for lack of anything better to do.
The shop is clean and brightly lit and smells like rich, expensive coffee with all the little extras. When Sho looks around he doesn't see the slime of sin on anybody, nor the shine of purity. They just look like ordinary people to him.
Except for one person. He's waiting at the counter wearing a white t-shirt that says 'Kiss Me, I'm the Devil' in pink, glittery writing.
"Nino," Sho gasps. And then, "Why?"
Nino ducks his head shyly. "This was the only way I could get to Heaven to be with Sho-chan every day," Nino tells him.
Sho crosses the room and pulls him in to his arms. "You're my best friend," he whispers into his hair. "Don't ever leave me again, okay?"
"Okay," Nino agrees quietly. And then he pushes back in his arms. "Buy me a coffee and tell me about who you left in charge when you quit. You did quit, right?"
Sho thinks about that. "I think I was fired," he says. "I think Ohno is God now." He thinks about that, too. About Ohno in charge of Heaven and Aiba in charge of Hell and… "Oh, no, poor Jun!" he realizes. But Nino laughs, tipping his head back and bringing his hands together in pure delight, and Sho decides that Heaven and Hell and the Universe and everything can take care of themselves for a while.
He has a cup of coffee to buy.
* * * * * * * *Epilogue * * * * * * * * *
Sho and Nino are still drinking their coffees, feet tangled comfortably together under the table, when Jun storms in. They watch in interest as he stalks to the counter and orders a double ristretto, adding a quick shot of vanilla to once it comes. Then he stalks to their table and pulls up a chair.
"If you ever do that to me again," he says, calmly stirring his drink, "I will straight up murder you both."
"Did you quit?" Sho asks. Both Jun and Nino give him polite 'are you stupid?' looks. "How long…?" Sho asks in morbid curiosity.
Nino makes a show of checking his watch. Jun smacks him absently. "Long enough," he says.
"Who's the reigning Limbo champion now?" Nino inquires pleasantly.
Jun sips his drink, giving them a haughty look over the top of his glasses before he answers, "Ryo."
"Ryo's not as much fun as Matsujun," says Aiba from the doorway. Ohno is standing right behind him.
Jun passes a hand over his face. "Did you guys-?" he asks.
Even Sho figures that asking is pretty pointless.
Aiba drags a chair over from another table and flops into it, stealing a sip of Jun's coffee despite the way Jun whacks at him. Ohno leans against Sho's back. "Machi took over for me," he says. "I didn't like being God. Johnny offered to let me be Saint Peter again but I thought it'd be less stressful here."
They all look to Aiba. Aiba gives them a thumbs-up. "Nagase is the Devil! He made Yoko the Gatekeeper!"
Jun knocks back his entire coffee in one long, breathless drink.
Ohno reaches over and pats him. "There, there, Jun-kun," he says sweetly.
"We have to go back one day," Jun says in despair.
Sho catches Nino's eye and smiles at him. Nino smiles back. "I'm not worried," he says.
And neither is Sho.
* * * * * * * *Epilogue 2 * * * * * * * * *
It's been a year since Sho met Nino (two, if you go by Nino's counting which confuses everybody who only knows them from Earth) and they've been living together since that first day so Sho is not surprised when Nino crawls into his bed one night.
He is surprised by the fact that Nino crawls on top of him and sticks a hand down his pajama pants.
Sho shrieks a little, fishes Nino's hand out of his pants, and turns on the bedside lamp. "What the hell?" he demands.
Nino folds his arms on Sho's chest and rests his chin on them. He smiles and is just as adorable as he was the first night that Sho met him. "I put my hand in your pants," he says patiently. Sho says nothing. "So that I could touch your ween," he explains patiently.
One day, Sho reminds himself, he will remember that letting Nino explain things is a crappy idea because Nino's explanations are not normal. "Why?" he asks once he's finished.
"Because I wanted to touch it," Nino says promptly.
Sho puts his arm over his eyes, nearly slapping himself in the face with Nino's hand since he's still holding it. "I meant 'why did you want to touch…that'?" Sho clarifies.
"Oh," says Nino. After a beat he says, "Oh-chan was right; you're kind of stupid."
"Satoshi said I was stupid?"
"Well," Nino recants fairly, "he said 'innocent'. But stupid works better."
"Nino," Sho sighs.
Nino pulls a face. "I want to have sex with you."
Sho might, possibly, have shrieked a little more. "WHAT?"
"Do you really need me to explain that?" Nino inquires politely.
Sho stares at him, processing. It still doesn't make any sense. "I don't-"
Nino moves his arms so that he can bang his head against Sho's collarbones. It's painful and Sho knows for certain that he's not dreaming. "Sho," Nino says once he stops, face buried in Sho's chest. "Has it occurred to you that we live together after both of us gave up lucrative jobs in the hereafter? So that we could be together?"
"But we-" says Sho.
"And we sleep in the same bed more nights than not and we snuggle on the couch to watch the news and we kiss each other goodbye all the time?"
"Well that-" Sho splutters.
"Not to mention the fact that all of your coworkers think we're dating because you haven't had a date since the day we met," Nino finishes.
"Is…" says Sho. Then, "Do you…"
"I'm in love with you, you dingbat," Nino sighs, looking up at him. "And I'm pretty sure that you're in love with me. And I'm super horny because I haven't gotten laid in a year."
"Oh," says Sho, turning this over in his mind. "Couldn't you have just said that instead of sticking your hand down my pants?" he asks.
"But then I wouldn't have got to hear you scream like a sissy," Nino says with a mild shrug.
Sho debates dumping Nino out of the bed right up until the moment that Nino kisses him. It's soft and shy and hesitant like maybe he's not really sure about what he's doing and Sho thinks 'I love him' and kisses him back. "You're not getting into my pants until you put a ring on my finger," he says sternly, "I'm not going to live in sin with you." Nino laughs and Sho holds him close, so happy and so in love that he almost thinks he can see Heaven again. "I'm seriously serious."
I've left the header of the fic intact, added a bit to the notes, and wrote two tiny epilogues to go with it.
Title: Troublemaker
Rating: PG
Summary: Sho is God. Nino is the Devil. Together they have staff meetings!
Prompt(s): Luck, Green, Beer, Fist-Fights.
Notes: To those of you who listened to me rail about this (most notably Andii and Liron) thank you. Thank you so much more than I can ever say. You kept me sane and you gave me wonderful ideas. ILU.
Troublemaker
Sho is on his way to buy a cup of coffee when he gets made God entirely by accident.
One moment he's opening the door of his favorite coffee shop and the next he's in a room that is white and blank and featureless to every imaginable degree. There is a Presence and a cherubically faced angel standing there.
"Sakurai Sho," says the Presence, "This Is Ohno Satoshi."
The angel waves at him a little. "Hi."
The Presence radiates fondness and love at the angel. And then at Sho. "Decide Your Fate," it says.
"Rock, paper, scissors," chants the angel.
Sho instinctively throws rock.
The angel throws scissors.
"YES!" Ohno says, pumping his fist in the air.
"Uh-" says Sho, looking at his fist dumbly.
"Congratulations, God," says the Presence. "Now, I Believe You Have A Staff Meeting To Attend."
"I'll show him where it is," says the angel, taking Sho by the hand.
"What?" says Sho.
"Where?" shrieks Sho when he is led down a dark, dirty back-alley to the door of a seedy, sleazy looking bar.
"It's your weekly staff meeting with Satan," Ohno says serenely. "He gets to pick the place because otherwise he won't show up. Do your best!" he adds, patting Sho on the back and disappearing.
"I don't know what I'm doing!" Sho wails to the empty alley. There is no answer, no angel, and no Presence. Sho takes a deep breath and tastes squalid misery in the air (also: a fair amount of piss and vomit) and opens the door to the bar.
It's a cramped, dim, dingy place. Everybody in it seems to be fairly coated with a thin, dark layer of oozy sludge. With the exception of one unexceptional young man at a corner table; he is wearing a white t-shirt that says 'Kiss Me, I'm the Devil' in pink, glittery writing. There is a Chihuahua sitting on the floor beside him. He waves Sho over, tossing flyaway wisps of dark hair out of his gold-brown eyes as he does so.
"Um," says Sho, pausing next to the stained and rickety table. How does one even ask, he wonders.
"Hi, I'm Nino," says the young man. He kicks the other chair away from the table so that Sho can sit without touching the chair with his hands. Not that THAT will help, he thinks as he sits down gingerly. "Otherwise known as Satan."
"Uh, Sho," Sho introduces himself. He wonders if he should shake hands with the devil or if doing so would constitute some sort of eternally binding contract for his soul. "I don't know what I'm doing here."
Nino folds his arms on the table, rests his chin on his arms and smiles kittenishly. He looks charming and young and adorable. "It's a staff meeting. Otherwise known as a pain in the ass."
"Right," Sho agrees. "They told me that but-"
"How'd Johnny get you, anyway?" Nino interrupts.
"Johnny?" Sho asks.
"The pan-denominational deity that did your job interview," Nino explains with a wave of his hand. "I call him Johnny. Let me guess-you were helping some old bat cross the street, right?"
"I was going to get coffee," Sho corrects "and then I-"
"Booooring," Nino interrupts again. "Must be a God thing. Johnny picked me up out of a strip club." He says the last bit proudly, without any clue as to whether he was watching or taking off his clothes at the time it happened.
Sho stares at him, feeling discombobulated. "I was going to get coffee," he repeats, "and the next thing I knew I was in a match of rock-paper-scissors with an angel named Ohno of all things!"
Nino perks up a bit, sitting up in his chair. "Oh-chan?" Then, "Oh, hey, let me buy you a drink." He flags down a waitress in a too-tight top before Sho can tell him that he doesn't want a drink.
The waitress gives them a dead stare. "What'll it be?" she asks tiredly.
Sho takes both of her hands in his. "Bless you," he says sincerely.
"Well, this is just great," Nino bitches as the waitress blinks slowly at them.
In the next moment the waitress sets her tray on their table and walks away. The Chihuahua sitting beside Nino barks and follows her out the door.
"She's going to go dump the jerk who hits her, move back in with her parents, go back to school and meet the girl of her dreams. They're going to foster at-risk children and have a dog and a cat and two birds," Sho says. He's not sure how he knows this but he knows, absolutely, that this is the fate of their former waitress.
"Fine, fine, good," Nino gripes, "but who's going to bring us more beer?" he slaps both hands on the table, stands, and storms out.
"You've got a staff meeting with Jun, next," Ohno Satoshi says pleasantly when Sho exits the bar after paying for Nino's drinks.
"But-" says Sho.
Ohno takes him by the hand. "I'll show you how to get to Limbo," he says.
Limbo is not the dull, gray place that Sho thinks it is going to be.
Limbo has a lot of purple and a lot of sparkle to it. Somehow it manages to be energetic and upbeat instead of tacky. Sho is impressed.
"I'm Jun; I run Purgatory," says a slender young man sitting behind an elegant desk. "Do your job, stay out of my way, and we'll get along just fine."
Sho sits down and looks at Jun.
Jun looks back at him over the top of his glasses.
"What IS my job?" Sho asks.
Jun sighs and looks over Sho's shoulder. "Satoshi?" he says.
"He had a meeting with Nino," Ohno replies promptly. "He Inspired the waitress and Nino left."
Jun pushes up his glasses and rubs at his eyes. "Could you not do that in front of Nino?" Jun asks politely. "It makes him cranky."
"And she took the hell-hound," Ohno adds.
Jun drops his hands and gives Sho a Look. "Great," he says on a gusty sigh.
"I'm-sorry?" Sho tries.
At that, Jun sighs yet again. "No, don't be sorry. You were doing your job. We-and the other deities from other theologies-sort out the good from the evil in the Universe. You Inspire people to do good, keep track of the angels, answer prayers, all the usual things. Nino's job is just the opposite-he's got to draw the evil out of a person by Tempting them. He's good at his job but he's a brat about the paperwork and the hours. Inspiring somebody in front of him is a good way to get him to leave. Don't do it again and if you can't help yourself, do it at the end of your meeting."
"Oh," says Sho. "I was just on my way to get a cup of coffee."
Jun looks at him for a long moment and then turns to the gigantic espresso machine behind his desk. "I'll make you one," he says quietly. And then, more quietly still, "You get used to it, you know."
Sho decides that he likes Jun a lot and vows to do his best by him.
Ohno Satoshi turns out to be a bit more than an angel, in some ways. He's the Gatekeeper for Heaven (making his official title 'Saint Peter') and Sho's personal assistant. Mostly, however, he is Sho's sounding board as Sho gets used to his new job. Sho sees him every day and gets to like him very much. "What would I do without you, Satoshi," he says one day, a few months in to being God.
Smiling, Ohno just shrugs.
Sho sees Ohno and Jun every day but, despite the truly staggering amount of paperwork they generate together, he only sees Nino once a week. The meetings are always at happy hour and always at a bar because Nino likes to drink.
Tonight he is doing Jell-O shots in red and yellow and green and blue and purple, spread out on the table between them like a five-color rainbow. There are five dogs arrayed around Nino's chair like an honor guard.
Against his better judgment, Sho thinks Nino is cute. He can't help himself. Nino feeds the dogs beer-nuts and pouts about their paperwork like a nap-time toddler and spends half his time doing card tricks that are so amazing they make Sho forget himself and clap his hands. When he does, Nino beams at him, so sweet that Sho sometimes forgets that Nino is the Devil.
Nino always finds a way to remind him.
"Hey, you know what we should do?" Nino asks him one night as he does another card trick for him. "Quarterly meetings with the other deities are coming up-we should do them at the same place and swap notes after."
"Quarterly meetings, huh?" Ohno had made some vague noise about something that sounded like that. "With the Norse mythological gods, right?"
"Not me," Nino says, changing the nine of diamonds into the ace of spades. "I've got the Pagan set next. But we should still do them at the same time and swap notes, don't you think?"
Sho is really rather proud of Nino's reasoning on this front. "Okay," he says.
"Great!" Nino grins at him.
That grin and enthusiasm should have been a clue, Sho thinks regretfully a week later.
"MORE BEER!" Odin shouts, banging his bottle on the table.
"MORE BEER!" echoes the echelon of pagan gods at Nino's table.
"More beer!" Nino giggles. Sho has never seen him so drunk. His face is flushed and he's listing widely in his chair and Sho can't even see the top of Nino's table thanks to all the empty beer bottles and shot glasses.
"No more beer," Sho requests politely.
He ends up ferrying the other Gods back home because he doesn't want a pan-denominational incident. He saves Nino for last, however, so that he can lay in to him for wrecking their meetings. "C'mon, Nino, up we go," he says, tugging Nino out of chair. The huge wolfhound that is his companion tonight makes a whuffling sound and rise to its feet as well. Sho is pretty sure the dog is drunk, too.
Nino plasters himself to Sho's side, unbelievably warm for somebody who resembles a porcelain doll. "Sho-chan," he slurs. "Sho-chan, I had fun tonight."
"You're drunk, Nino," Sho begins.
"I am so drunk," Nino giggles, nosing up under Sho's arm. "You smell nice. So nice. Sho-chan," he croons and strokes his arm.
Sho sighs. There is no way to talk sense to Nino tonight. "Let's get you home," is what he says.
The Gates of Hell are guarded by a sweet-faced young man in a white lab coat and protective gloves.
"Um," says Sho, unsure of the protocol here.
The young man looks up from his hissing beaker and smiles, giving him a little wave. "Hi!"
Sho is reminded of Ohno. "Sorry," he says, "but I'm-"
"You're Sho-chan!" says the man. "Nino talks about you a lot."
"Oh," says Sho, startled and a bit pleased. "Ah, well, I-"
"I'm Aiba Masaki," he introduces himself, stripping off one glove and offering his hand out to shake. "I'm Ohno's opposite number."
His hand, when Sho shakes it, is unbelievably cold. "Ah!" he says, flexing his fingers when they let go.
"Liquid nitrogen!" he says, waving at his beaker. "You've heard the expression 'when Hell freezes over', right? I want to see if I can actually make it happen and if people have to keep their word once it does."
Aiba doesn't seem evil enough to be the keeper to the Gates of Hell but, then, Nino doesn't seem evil enough to be the Devil. "Nice to meet you," he says. Aiba beams at him.
"Aiba-chan, Sho-chan brought me ho~~me," Nino carols from his awkward perch on Sho's back.
Sho shifts, adjusting Nino so that his knees are no longer poking him in the kidneys. "If you just point me the right way," he says, nodding meaningfully at the gate, "I'll just-"
For a moment, Aiba looks stunned. The next moment he is hurrying around to Sho's side and tugging Nino off his back. "You can't go in," he explains, hefting Nino on to his own back. "You're God."
Which makes a certain kind of sense, Sho supposes. He feels a little disappointed, however, as Nino cuddles up to Aiba.
"Aiba-chan," Nino hums, "Sho-chan smells good."
Aiba smiles at him. "That's nice, Nino," he says and they disappear through the gate, leaving Sho standing there, staring after them.
Sho relates the story to Ohno and Jun when he gets home.
"You don't have to cart them all home," Jun says, smoothing a hand over his face to wipe away a smile that looks like a laugh. "Just like your default location is Heaven, they have their own defaults for when they leave the mortal world."
Ohno is in stitches.
"Thankfully Nino's about as heavy as he looks," Sho says, still feeling the remembered weight of Nino on his back.
Ohno and Jun both give him surprised looks. "You carried him?" Jun asks.
Sho nods.
Jun and Ohno glance at each other but they don't say anything.
"He said I smell nice," Sho offers into the silence.
Their laughter, while almost deafening, is nice he decides.
"How come you always have a dog with you?" Sho asks Nino one night as they do their paperwork on a table Sho still doesn't want to touch.
Nino looks at the mutt that is lying contentedly over his feet. "Hell-hounds," he says with a shrug.
Sho shakes his head.
"They just kind of follow me around," Nino told him, shuffling his cards. "Sort of like how birds and stuff flock around you."
"How birds-?" Sho questions.
Nino gives him a look that is very similar to some of the looks that Jun gives him. "Haven't you noticed that stray animals follow you around whenever you're on Earth?" Nino asked patiently. "Birds flock above you, squirrels and stuff run to meet you?"
"Koi swim up to the bridges when I'm on them at the gardens!" Sho puts in excitedly.
"They do that to everybody," Nino waves it off. "They're gluttons. Anyhow, for me I get devil-dogs and snakes and the like."
Sho looks at the old mutt. "But he doesn't look evil," he says.
Nino looks at the dog, too, and nudges it with one foot, petting over his ribs. "He's not, he's just-no, don't!" he exclaims as Sho reaches down to pet the dog, too.
The dog's eyes glow red, his lips peel back over improbable, impossible fangs, and it howls so chillingly that Sho freezes. And then it bites him. "Ouch!" He draws his hand back and it is dripping with blood already. The dog howls again
"Protective," Nino says, shoulders slumping.
"And then he just left," Sho tells Satoshi and Jun as Jun bandages his hand in Limbo.
Ohno and Jun exchange looks.
"Never touch the hell hounds," Jun says, dabbing at him with an alcohol pad. "We're going to be knee-deep in new arrivals now."
Sho makes a questioning sound.
"The hounds of hell have had a taste of blood. It unleashes a lot of evil. There's going to be a lot of bad stuff happening to good people until Nino can get things under control down there."
"But it didn't look evil," Sho says.
"They're not evil but they're fierce against anybody who isn't Nino."
"Nino," says Ohno, "is the first person who was ever kind to them in their lives. So they follow him."
"Oh."
Nino doesn't show up for their next two meetings and finally Sho makes his way down to the pit of Hell.
Aiba is busy with an armful of rabbits and a stack of boxes with holes in the sides at the Gate. He doesn't seem to notice Sho standing there as he packs rabbits into boxes at an amazing speed.
"Uh-Aiba?" Sho tries.
Aiba startles and then smiles at him. "Sho-chan! What brings you here?" he asks, stuffing more rabbits into more boxes.
"Um," says Sho after a few minutes of watching Aiba box rabbits, "I was looking for Nino?"
"Oh, Nino's on a bunny-run," Aiba explains. "We're swamped down here."
"Bunny run?" Sho asks.
"Mm," Aiba agrees. "It's the best way to deal with the overflow."
Sho doesn't often still feel new at his job, but there are times... "Ahh," he says.
Aiba grins at him and boxes yet another rabbit. "Right now the evil is spilling out faster than we can deal with it, so Nino is dropping off bunnies with people who have it really bad."
"Animal therapy?" Sho asks. It seems like such an odd solution but he remembers newspaper articles about the therapeutic effects of animals from when he was human, so who knows, he figures.
"They're not really bunnies," Aiba tells him. "I just dress up the Urges because it's funny that way."
"Urges?"
"You know, bunnies? And people who…you know, like bunnies?"
Sho smiles and nods even though he doesn't understand. He really hopes that bestiality is not the answer to this situation.
"Fucking like bunnies keeps them too busy to do a lot of evil stuff," Aiba says plainly.
Sho doesn't see Nino again for nearly two months. He finds that he misses him but-as Jun predicted-they have a lot of work of their own to do. When he does see Nino again it's at the Gate of Heaven.
"Aiba said you came looking for me," says Nino. He looks pale and tired and he's leaning companionably against Ohno at the podium. Ohno is petting his hair in a distracted manner as he ticks off names in the big book of arrivals.
"We've got a backlog of paperwork," Sho informs him regretfully.
Nino nods and Sho can't help himself. He wants to do something for Nino. This is all his fault, after all. "Meet me tomorrow," he says. "I'll bring wine, okay?"
Nino's eyes are bright as he says, "Okay."
"Maybe this was a bad idea," Sho suggests as the rumbling of stone and mortar dies away.
"No, no," Nino coughs politely, waving away the dust that's hanging heavy in the air. "This was a lovely idea."
Sho looks at the ruins of the church. He didn't want to cast any blame but all the same… "I'm pretty sure it was sturdy until you set foot on the steps."
"Oh, it was," Nino beams and pats a fallen stone. It crumbles to dust under his hand. "Massive desecration will do that to a church."
"I only wanted-" says Sho helplessly.
And Nino smiles at him, open and real. "I know," he says. "I was hoping that the invitation might make the difference. Hey, can I drag this down to Hell with me?" he changes the subject suddenly, toeing the door of the church that lay at his feet. "Aiba would love it and we kind of need a new gate."
Sho bends over and picks up the top of the door while Nino grins and grabs the bottom. Nino's end warps and cracks and twists on the trip but Nino seems so pleased with it that Sho is actually happy about his failed attempt to do something nice for Nino.
He still wants to do what he can to make this easier on Nino, though, so Sho invites Jun to their next meeting.
Jun looks hesitant at first but finally agrees. "If you insist," he says. Sho thinks it has something to do with the way Ohno pokes him in the spine but ignores it gracefully.
Much like the multi-denominational meeting, however, this proves to be a massive mistake on Sho's part. Nino does not seem pleased to see Jun.
"Sho-chan and I defiled a church," Nino tells him. He is practically draped around Sho's shoulders.
"It was an accident," Sho tells Jun.
Jun blinks in the most expressive manner that Sho has ever seen. "About the murder-suicides where they took out the whole family," Jun says, shuffling papers.
Nino crawls into Sho's lap. "Want to see a magic trick?" he asks.
"Get down from there," Jun snaps at him.
In answer, Nino curls even closer and ignores Jun completely. "I made up a new trick on my own before the bunny-runs."
"Uh," says Sho. Nino is soft and warm against him and he really can't help tucking his dark head under his chin. "I guess it's okay if he wants to sit here. As long as we can talk about the murder-suicides," he adds. He doesn't really want to talk about it, however. He'd kind of like to see Nino's magic trick.
Nino smirks at Jun as though he's heard Sho's thoughts.
Jun huffs. "It is NOT okay if he sits on your lap. He's Satan and you're God."
"But we're friends," Sho protests.
Nino jerks back and looks at him.
"Aren't we?" he asks. Nino's smile is tentative and shy and possibly the cutest thing Sho has seen outside of a score of laughing babies. He hugs Nino a little closer and appeals to Jun. "Aren't we all friends?"
"This," says Jun. Then he stops and starts again. "You have no clue what a bad idea this is, do you?"
"Oh dry up, Jun," Nino suggests.
"Nino, I'm just thinking about your job," says Jun. "About both of your jobs, really."
Nino looks up at Sho. "He talks a good game but he's the one who got into a fist-fight with Shiva over me."
"It was one punch!" Jun snaps.
Sho doesn't really understand the problem. "This just makes things more efficient," he says, talking around this interesting tidbit of information. "In fact…" the idea is so sudden and so glorious that Sho can't believe he didn't think of it before. "In fact, we should have daily meeting." He says the last bit to Nino. "Wouldn't that be great?" He's so happy with things that he squishes Nino's cheeks affectionately while Nino pulls a face. "We could see each other every day."
Jun puts a hand over his face.
Nino gets out of his lap and leaves.
"…what?" says Sho.
"You're God," says Jun, "and he's the Devil." Jun's voice is very patient, like he's explaining something to a small child. "You're supposed to stay away from each other."
"But," says Sho.
"The balance of the universe is at stake," Jun tells him with finality.
"All right," Sho agrees, wilting.
He says 'all right' but he finds out the next morning that it isn't.
"Nino quit last night," is how Ohno greets him. "Jun's pissed."
"Shit," Sho sighs.
"You have a meeting with the new Satan in five minutes," Ohno tells him.
Sho's heart is in his shoes. "I don't want to do that now," he tells Ohno.
Ohno takes him gently by the hand. "I'll show you how to get there."
"Here?" Sho asks, aghast.
"It's nice," Ohno tells him.
'Here' is a dog park, with lots of trees and bushes and benches. It's beautiful, and a lovely Spring day to boot. Sho wishes it was a creepy, skanky bar instead.
"Do your best," Ohno encourages him before disappearing.
"Sho-chan!" Aiba calls, waving. He's running with an entire pack of hell hounds behind him. "Sho-chan! Nino made me Satan before he left!" He skids to a stop next to Sho and then peers at him in concern. "What's the matter, Sho-chan?"
"Nothing," Sho says, doing his best to swallow back his disappointment and focus on his job.
Aiba smiles. "You shouldn't lie, Sho-chan. I always know when somebody is lying."
"Nino quit," Sho confesses.
Aiba bites his lip and then leans forward confidentially. "He's mortal again," he whispers. "He's back on Earth. Somewhere."
Mortal. On Earth. If that's the case, then Sho can find him. Even if Nino doesn't believe in God, if he is a believer in some other religion, Shintoist or something, Sho can have the other deities track him down.
"Oops," says Aiba with a giggle.
Sho turns to look at him and finds
A white, blank void that is featureless to every imaginable degree. There is a Presence and Ohno waiting for him.
"Sakurai Sho," says Johnny. "You Are Playing Favorites Amongst The Humans."
"It's Nino!" Sho protests. "I just want to make sure he's okay!"
"That Does Not Matter," Johnny tells him. He radiates a kind of stern, paternal love. "You Must Be Unbiased In All Matters."
"Just-" Sho says desperately. "I won't go see him myself. I'll send Ohno to look in on him," he bargains.
"Decide Your Fate Now," Johnny says.
Sho looks at Ohno.
Ohno raises his fist. "Rock, paper, scissors…"
Sho throws rock out of sheer frustration.
Ohno throws paper. "Oh," he says, looking at his hand. "I thought you were going to do scissors," he says.
"This Is Fate," says Johnny, radiating amusement. "I Believe You Have A Meeting To Attend Now."
"But I don't-!" Sho starts to protest.
"I'll show him the way," Ohno says, taking him by the hand one more time. "C'mon, Sho-chan."
"I don't want to!" Sho protests but he gets no answer. He looks around. He's on a busy sidewalk, standing in front of the door to a coffee shop. There is no Presence, no Ohno, nothing but a line forming behind him and some quizzical looks. "Sorry," he says, pulling the door open and stepping inside for lack of anything better to do.
The shop is clean and brightly lit and smells like rich, expensive coffee with all the little extras. When Sho looks around he doesn't see the slime of sin on anybody, nor the shine of purity. They just look like ordinary people to him.
Except for one person. He's waiting at the counter wearing a white t-shirt that says 'Kiss Me, I'm the Devil' in pink, glittery writing.
"Nino," Sho gasps. And then, "Why?"
Nino ducks his head shyly. "This was the only way I could get to Heaven to be with Sho-chan every day," Nino tells him.
Sho crosses the room and pulls him in to his arms. "You're my best friend," he whispers into his hair. "Don't ever leave me again, okay?"
"Okay," Nino agrees quietly. And then he pushes back in his arms. "Buy me a coffee and tell me about who you left in charge when you quit. You did quit, right?"
Sho thinks about that. "I think I was fired," he says. "I think Ohno is God now." He thinks about that, too. About Ohno in charge of Heaven and Aiba in charge of Hell and… "Oh, no, poor Jun!" he realizes. But Nino laughs, tipping his head back and bringing his hands together in pure delight, and Sho decides that Heaven and Hell and the Universe and everything can take care of themselves for a while.
He has a cup of coffee to buy.
* * * * * * * *Epilogue * * * * * * * * *
Sho and Nino are still drinking their coffees, feet tangled comfortably together under the table, when Jun storms in. They watch in interest as he stalks to the counter and orders a double ristretto, adding a quick shot of vanilla to once it comes. Then he stalks to their table and pulls up a chair.
"If you ever do that to me again," he says, calmly stirring his drink, "I will straight up murder you both."
"Did you quit?" Sho asks. Both Jun and Nino give him polite 'are you stupid?' looks. "How long…?" Sho asks in morbid curiosity.
Nino makes a show of checking his watch. Jun smacks him absently. "Long enough," he says.
"Who's the reigning Limbo champion now?" Nino inquires pleasantly.
Jun sips his drink, giving them a haughty look over the top of his glasses before he answers, "Ryo."
"Ryo's not as much fun as Matsujun," says Aiba from the doorway. Ohno is standing right behind him.
Jun passes a hand over his face. "Did you guys-?" he asks.
Even Sho figures that asking is pretty pointless.
Aiba drags a chair over from another table and flops into it, stealing a sip of Jun's coffee despite the way Jun whacks at him. Ohno leans against Sho's back. "Machi took over for me," he says. "I didn't like being God. Johnny offered to let me be Saint Peter again but I thought it'd be less stressful here."
They all look to Aiba. Aiba gives them a thumbs-up. "Nagase is the Devil! He made Yoko the Gatekeeper!"
Jun knocks back his entire coffee in one long, breathless drink.
Ohno reaches over and pats him. "There, there, Jun-kun," he says sweetly.
"We have to go back one day," Jun says in despair.
Sho catches Nino's eye and smiles at him. Nino smiles back. "I'm not worried," he says.
And neither is Sho.
* * * * * * * *Epilogue 2 * * * * * * * * *
It's been a year since Sho met Nino (two, if you go by Nino's counting which confuses everybody who only knows them from Earth) and they've been living together since that first day so Sho is not surprised when Nino crawls into his bed one night.
He is surprised by the fact that Nino crawls on top of him and sticks a hand down his pajama pants.
Sho shrieks a little, fishes Nino's hand out of his pants, and turns on the bedside lamp. "What the hell?" he demands.
Nino folds his arms on Sho's chest and rests his chin on them. He smiles and is just as adorable as he was the first night that Sho met him. "I put my hand in your pants," he says patiently. Sho says nothing. "So that I could touch your ween," he explains patiently.
One day, Sho reminds himself, he will remember that letting Nino explain things is a crappy idea because Nino's explanations are not normal. "Why?" he asks once he's finished.
"Because I wanted to touch it," Nino says promptly.
Sho puts his arm over his eyes, nearly slapping himself in the face with Nino's hand since he's still holding it. "I meant 'why did you want to touch…that'?" Sho clarifies.
"Oh," says Nino. After a beat he says, "Oh-chan was right; you're kind of stupid."
"Satoshi said I was stupid?"
"Well," Nino recants fairly, "he said 'innocent'. But stupid works better."
"Nino," Sho sighs.
Nino pulls a face. "I want to have sex with you."
Sho might, possibly, have shrieked a little more. "WHAT?"
"Do you really need me to explain that?" Nino inquires politely.
Sho stares at him, processing. It still doesn't make any sense. "I don't-"
Nino moves his arms so that he can bang his head against Sho's collarbones. It's painful and Sho knows for certain that he's not dreaming. "Sho," Nino says once he stops, face buried in Sho's chest. "Has it occurred to you that we live together after both of us gave up lucrative jobs in the hereafter? So that we could be together?"
"But we-" says Sho.
"And we sleep in the same bed more nights than not and we snuggle on the couch to watch the news and we kiss each other goodbye all the time?"
"Well that-" Sho splutters.
"Not to mention the fact that all of your coworkers think we're dating because you haven't had a date since the day we met," Nino finishes.
"Is…" says Sho. Then, "Do you…"
"I'm in love with you, you dingbat," Nino sighs, looking up at him. "And I'm pretty sure that you're in love with me. And I'm super horny because I haven't gotten laid in a year."
"Oh," says Sho, turning this over in his mind. "Couldn't you have just said that instead of sticking your hand down my pants?" he asks.
"But then I wouldn't have got to hear you scream like a sissy," Nino says with a mild shrug.
Sho debates dumping Nino out of the bed right up until the moment that Nino kisses him. It's soft and shy and hesitant like maybe he's not really sure about what he's doing and Sho thinks 'I love him' and kisses him back. "You're not getting into my pants until you put a ring on my finger," he says sternly, "I'm not going to live in sin with you." Nino laughs and Sho holds him close, so happy and so in love that he almost thinks he can see Heaven again. "I'm seriously serious."