not the end
Yoochun/Junsu
PG-13
Drama, Romance
Trigger warning: Mentions of self-harm and mental illness
“It’s not the end of the world.”
She says as she taps her fingers on the desk between them. Junsu stares at the neon pink nails that embellished the ghastly skeletal hand. He bites his lip and hopes that she isn’t expecting him to take it and hold it as an act of something that resembles empathy. She doesn’t, thankfully, as Junsu realizes this was more out of habit than anything else. He breathes a sigh of relief and looks up at her face. She smiles at him, her bright pink lipstick curving at an awkward angle as if she’s forcing her cheeks to move despite the heavy dosage of Botox she clearly had just recently. Junsu couldn’t help but notice the pink stain on her too-white teeth, the thick mascara and eyeliner running wildly around her eyes, and the too heavy faux blush that was scattered on her numb cheeks.
He forces a smile despite thinking he may well be talking to someone cosplaying Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker. She holds her gaze of him and smiles even more, or at least as much as the Botox allowed her. Junsu suppresses the thought that he was having at the back of his mind. He tells himself to give her a chance. Even if she did look like someone from the circus, she is still a registered psychiatrist. The framed papers on the walls and the search results he saw just last night proved that fact. Still, he missed the motherly tone of his previous doctor.
“Many people have Borderline Personality Disorder,” She continues, her tone oddly proud despite her findings that there was something wrong with him. “Some of them are even celebrities and politicians”
And serial killers. Junsu thinks, remembering the number of names of convicted killers that mingled with names of athletes and Hollywood royalties when he searched about the disorder. But he stops himself from saying it out loud.
“You can still live a normal life. Everything is still okay.”
Junsu wants to disagree with her, but he’s already exhausted. He pulls back the bracelet on his left hand that covered the hundreds of scars on his skin. He will talk about these and the other scars elsewhere some other time and perhaps with another doctor, but not this one; and not with anyone for now.
He forces another fake smile, an effort he had been doing too much the past few weeks that his upper lip now twitched at the act. He pulls out his wallet and gives the doctor the money he owes her for the consultation. He ignores the twinkle in her eyes when the money landed on her sandpaper-like hands. He wishes he had gone to Dr. Lee, at least she had her assistant take the consultation fee. But he needed the second opinion, just to make sure.
+
Junsu drops the smile as soon as he gets out of the clinic. His lover waited for him outside. The latter stands up and greets him, his face anxious and worried. Junsu doesn’t fake a smile for the first time the whole day. Yoochun wasn’t even expecting his boyfriend to smile anyway. The latter quickly takes the former’s hand into his and he leads him out of the hospital.
“How did it go?” Yoochun asks, lacing his fingers gently into his.
“Horrible. I preferred Dr. Lee.” Junsu responds straight facedly.
Yoochun smiles a little. “What did she say?”
Junsu waits until they were inside their car before answering. “Clinical depression has passed.” He said, looking out the car window and watching the physically ill patients afar mingle weakly with their loved ones in front of the hospital. He secretly wished he had a more normal ailment plaguing him; or at least something that’s more acceptable to society and not something that involved the mind. The problem with mental illness is that people think it’s all in the mind. Technically, it is but it took more than a positive outlook to cure it, when it can be cured. But most of the time, it can’t be cured entirely. That was the detail that his previous doctor had explained to Junsu the first time he was diagnosed with it. “We can’t cure it, but we can try to cure the other things that go along with it.” He remembers Dr. Lee tell him.
Yoochun starts the engine and watches his lover anxiously at the corner of the eye. “That’s good,” He says. “What else did she say?”
Junsu exhaustedly puts the seatbelt on. “Just confirmed what Dr. Lee first told me. Borderline Personality.” He tries to say it as if it was no big deal, that it was a minor detail that he can easily shrug off. Yoochun knows otherwise but he doesn’t say anything. They drive off in silence although Yoochun was still able to notice the muffled sniffs and subtle tear-wiping movements Junsu tried so hard to hide.
+
Junsu’s plan was simple: he would run straight to the bathroom as soon as they arrive home, lock himself there for an hour, pretending to soak in the tub but would secretly cry and even try to run the blade he hid somewhere on his pale skin and draw out blood. It’s a plan that he pictured so vividly that he was slightly looking forward to it.
But as soon as they enter their apartment, Yoochun stops him, gently grabs onto him and hugs him tightly. No words, just a simple hug. It’s enough to break Junsu’s resolve. He hugs his lover back, shoulders shaking as tears stream down his face.
“It’ll be okay.” Yoochun whispers lovingly into his ears. “I’m here. I’ll always be here.” He holds him close and lets Junsu cry his heart out. Yoochun knows he needed it.
+
Junsu calms down after an hour. They stay on the couch, leaning against each other and listening to the other’s heartbeat.
“Feeling better now?” Yoochun asks, his fingers running gently through the younger man’s hair. Junsu smiles gently. It’s a genuine smile this time and he felt he hadn’t done so in a while. It felt good.
“Yes, thank you.” Junsu says and Yoochun smiles back. The former sits up straight and looks at the latter for a while. “I’ll just go to the bathroom.” Junsu says carefully as he stands up. Yoochun nods and he watches his lover walk towards the hall on the left towards the bathroom. Feeling something is up, he follows him silently. Either distracted or in a hurry, Junsu doesn’t close the bathroom door. He bends down and tries to find something under the sink. Yoochun watches him and smiles.
“Looking for something?” He asks.
A startled Junsu turns to him looking embarrassed. “It’s nothing.”
Yoochun merely smiles at him. “I knocked the toothpaste down earlier; when I picked it up I happened to see the blade taped under the sink. I threw it away. You don’t need that, my love. You have me.”
Junsu feels the tears welling up in his eyes again. He runs straight to Yoochun and hugs him tight. “Thank you.”
“It’s nothing.” The older man says, hugging him back. “We’ll get through this, Junsu. Don’t give up hope. I’m here and I won’t leave. It’s not the end of the world.”
Junsu smiles. The exact words may have been used by others before in a cold and almost heartless manner, but when Yoochun says it, it’s different. Yoochun means it and that makes all the difference in the world. Those simple words uttered by his lover help Junsu feel that everything is okay; that at least one person in this whole damn world cares a lot about him. And for Junsu, that is enough.
A/N: I pretty much screwed up the ending. OMG, I'm sorry. I struggle with romantic stuff D;
PG-13
Drama, Romance
Trigger warning: Mentions of self-harm and mental illness
“It’s not the end of the world.”
She says as she taps her fingers on the desk between them. Junsu stares at the neon pink nails that embellished the ghastly skeletal hand. He bites his lip and hopes that she isn’t expecting him to take it and hold it as an act of something that resembles empathy. She doesn’t, thankfully, as Junsu realizes this was more out of habit than anything else. He breathes a sigh of relief and looks up at her face. She smiles at him, her bright pink lipstick curving at an awkward angle as if she’s forcing her cheeks to move despite the heavy dosage of Botox she clearly had just recently. Junsu couldn’t help but notice the pink stain on her too-white teeth, the thick mascara and eyeliner running wildly around her eyes, and the too heavy faux blush that was scattered on her numb cheeks.
He forces a smile despite thinking he may well be talking to someone cosplaying Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker. She holds her gaze of him and smiles even more, or at least as much as the Botox allowed her. Junsu suppresses the thought that he was having at the back of his mind. He tells himself to give her a chance. Even if she did look like someone from the circus, she is still a registered psychiatrist. The framed papers on the walls and the search results he saw just last night proved that fact. Still, he missed the motherly tone of his previous doctor.
“Many people have Borderline Personality Disorder,” She continues, her tone oddly proud despite her findings that there was something wrong with him. “Some of them are even celebrities and politicians”
And serial killers. Junsu thinks, remembering the number of names of convicted killers that mingled with names of athletes and Hollywood royalties when he searched about the disorder. But he stops himself from saying it out loud.
“You can still live a normal life. Everything is still okay.”
Junsu wants to disagree with her, but he’s already exhausted. He pulls back the bracelet on his left hand that covered the hundreds of scars on his skin. He will talk about these and the other scars elsewhere some other time and perhaps with another doctor, but not this one; and not with anyone for now.
He forces another fake smile, an effort he had been doing too much the past few weeks that his upper lip now twitched at the act. He pulls out his wallet and gives the doctor the money he owes her for the consultation. He ignores the twinkle in her eyes when the money landed on her sandpaper-like hands. He wishes he had gone to Dr. Lee, at least she had her assistant take the consultation fee. But he needed the second opinion, just to make sure.
+
Junsu drops the smile as soon as he gets out of the clinic. His lover waited for him outside. The latter stands up and greets him, his face anxious and worried. Junsu doesn’t fake a smile for the first time the whole day. Yoochun wasn’t even expecting his boyfriend to smile anyway. The latter quickly takes the former’s hand into his and he leads him out of the hospital.
“How did it go?” Yoochun asks, lacing his fingers gently into his.
“Horrible. I preferred Dr. Lee.” Junsu responds straight facedly.
Yoochun smiles a little. “What did she say?”
Junsu waits until they were inside their car before answering. “Clinical depression has passed.” He said, looking out the car window and watching the physically ill patients afar mingle weakly with their loved ones in front of the hospital. He secretly wished he had a more normal ailment plaguing him; or at least something that’s more acceptable to society and not something that involved the mind. The problem with mental illness is that people think it’s all in the mind. Technically, it is but it took more than a positive outlook to cure it, when it can be cured. But most of the time, it can’t be cured entirely. That was the detail that his previous doctor had explained to Junsu the first time he was diagnosed with it. “We can’t cure it, but we can try to cure the other things that go along with it.” He remembers Dr. Lee tell him.
Yoochun starts the engine and watches his lover anxiously at the corner of the eye. “That’s good,” He says. “What else did she say?”
Junsu exhaustedly puts the seatbelt on. “Just confirmed what Dr. Lee first told me. Borderline Personality.” He tries to say it as if it was no big deal, that it was a minor detail that he can easily shrug off. Yoochun knows otherwise but he doesn’t say anything. They drive off in silence although Yoochun was still able to notice the muffled sniffs and subtle tear-wiping movements Junsu tried so hard to hide.
+
Junsu’s plan was simple: he would run straight to the bathroom as soon as they arrive home, lock himself there for an hour, pretending to soak in the tub but would secretly cry and even try to run the blade he hid somewhere on his pale skin and draw out blood. It’s a plan that he pictured so vividly that he was slightly looking forward to it.
But as soon as they enter their apartment, Yoochun stops him, gently grabs onto him and hugs him tightly. No words, just a simple hug. It’s enough to break Junsu’s resolve. He hugs his lover back, shoulders shaking as tears stream down his face.
“It’ll be okay.” Yoochun whispers lovingly into his ears. “I’m here. I’ll always be here.” He holds him close and lets Junsu cry his heart out. Yoochun knows he needed it.
+
Junsu calms down after an hour. They stay on the couch, leaning against each other and listening to the other’s heartbeat.
“Feeling better now?” Yoochun asks, his fingers running gently through the younger man’s hair. Junsu smiles gently. It’s a genuine smile this time and he felt he hadn’t done so in a while. It felt good.
“Yes, thank you.” Junsu says and Yoochun smiles back. The former sits up straight and looks at the latter for a while. “I’ll just go to the bathroom.” Junsu says carefully as he stands up. Yoochun nods and he watches his lover walk towards the hall on the left towards the bathroom. Feeling something is up, he follows him silently. Either distracted or in a hurry, Junsu doesn’t close the bathroom door. He bends down and tries to find something under the sink. Yoochun watches him and smiles.
“Looking for something?” He asks.
A startled Junsu turns to him looking embarrassed. “It’s nothing.”
Yoochun merely smiles at him. “I knocked the toothpaste down earlier; when I picked it up I happened to see the blade taped under the sink. I threw it away. You don’t need that, my love. You have me.”
Junsu feels the tears welling up in his eyes again. He runs straight to Yoochun and hugs him tight. “Thank you.”
“It’s nothing.” The older man says, hugging him back. “We’ll get through this, Junsu. Don’t give up hope. I’m here and I won’t leave. It’s not the end of the world.”
Junsu smiles. The exact words may have been used by others before in a cold and almost heartless manner, but when Yoochun says it, it’s different. Yoochun means it and that makes all the difference in the world. Those simple words uttered by his lover help Junsu feel that everything is okay; that at least one person in this whole damn world cares a lot about him. And for Junsu, that is enough.
A/N: I pretty much screwed up the ending. OMG, I'm sorry. I struggle with romantic stuff D;