(no subject)
The discovery that affiliation with the GOP is genetically determined was announced by scientists in the current issue of the journal NURTURE, causing uproar among traditionalists who believe it is a chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political conservatism, discovered after a decades long study of quintuplets in Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political, and golfing communities. Psychologists have long believed that Republicans' unnatural disregard for the poor and frequently unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional family dynamics. A remarkably high percentage of Republicans do have authoritarian, domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who didn't teach them to be kind and gentle. Biologists have long suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all," said one author of the NURTURE article, "It's quite common for Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican."
The finding has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans (PFREP) who sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise lovable family members. One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in ectasy on hearing of the findings.
"I just knew it was genetic," she said seated with her two Republican sons. "My boys would never freely choose that lifestyle!" When asked what the Republican lifestyle was, she said: "You can just tell watching their conventions on TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant demagoguery, disdain for anyone not rich." Both sons had suspected their Republicanism from an early age but did not cconfirm it until they were in college. The NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their sharing not only genes but experiences. A remaining mystery is why so many Democrats admit to having voted Republican at least once---or at least fantasize about doing so. Polls show that three out of five Democrats have had a Republican experience, althought most outgrow teenage experimentation with Republicanism.
Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans didn't "choose" their lifestyle anymore than anyone "chooses" to have a skijump nose, they shouldn't be denied civil rights that others enjoy. If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness (typical stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something they can't help, there is no reason why society shouldn't tolerate Republicans in the military or even high elected office, provided they don't flaunt their political beliefs. For many Americans, the discovery opens the window on a promising future. In a few years, gene therapy might eradicate Republicanism all together.
But should they be allowed to marry?