Within Reach
Within Reach
Changryul (DJ Doc)/Onew, PG-13, ~1300 words
For damson_jam, the only person crazy enough to ship this with me. ♥ Also because this fancam is too adorable for words. Warning for cheating. This was going to be much longer and the length was going to help make it obviously not-cheating, but as it stands now, that's how it reads. A friend suggested I name this Hang the moon in your eyes 'cause it don't fit in the sky, so that should tell you what you're getting into.
They sit in silence outside Jinki's dorm. Jinki likes quiet moments like these -- just him and Changryul, alone in the dark, their hands joined in the space between their seats. It's late enough that there are no fans waiting outside the apartment, which means it's safe to roll the car windows down and enjoy the warm night air. Changryul's thumb draws lazy circles over Jinki's knuckles; Jinki studies the movement, fascinated that this is still all it takes for his stomach to dissolve into a mess of butterflies. The sensation is making him drowsy. Jinki is tempted to let his eyes drift shut, fall asleep to Changryul's fingers burning lullabies into his skin. It would be so easy, he thinks. Changryul would let him. Would sit watching Jinki's chest rise and fall before letting their hands fall apart so he could drive Jinki back to his house. Would tuck him in on the family room couch with blankets brought by his wife. They would be careful not to wake him, and Changryul would linger for a few minutes before joining her in bed. It's happened before. Jinki is sure it will happen again.
But not tonight. Much as he'd love to fall asleep in Changryul's company, moments like these don't come very often, and Jinki wants to enjoy it to the end.
Changryul's thumb stills, and he squeezes Jinki's hand, smiling down at him. "Are you busy this Sunday?"
Jinki scrunches his nose in thought. Sunday. Sunday is -- "No," he says, squeezing Changryul's hand in return and beaming up at him. "That's our --" He stops; he can't bring himself to say the word "anniversary", it sounds too cheesy. Even in his head. "--Right? I made sure it was clear." He doesn't mention the schedules he traded to Kibum and Jonghyun, or all the ribbing his bandmates have given him for wanting the night off. Changryul seems to see through his nonchalance, though, because he chuckles briefly. Jinki would be affronted, but he's distracted when Changryul starts to speak.
"I was thinking of doing something else," he says, suddenly sheepish. "And we still can, but Chaehee wants you to come over for dinner." He swings their locked hands between them. "Is that okay?"
Jinki goes into panic mode. "Um," he says eloquently. His free hand clenches into a fist by his side, and he forces it to relax, opening his hand and pressing his palm against his thigh. He doesn't know what to say and he doesn't want Changryul to notice, but -- but it's weird, isn't it? It's always been weird, how often he eats dinner at their house. It doesn't feel like it, because Chaehee makes sure Jinki feels like he belongs there, sitting across from them at dinner, or squished between them on the couch, Juhwan on his lap as they watch some children's show. It's not normal, because Jinki is almost young enough to be their son, but they treat him like an equal. Like he's Juhwan's third parent, like it's perfectly ordinary for Juhwan to have a mother and two fathers. Jinki knows it's not, but he likes it and it seems like they do, too, so it usually doesn't bother him.
But.
But it's their anniversary, and that's just too weird. Chaehee can't possibly know that -- or, or maybe she does, and that's a thought Jinki always tries to ignore because it makes him feel sick. The thought that she might have worked it out, that she might know why Changryul spends so much time with him, it's too much to handle. He hates the feeling that he's lying to her, but her knowing would be so much worse. Knowing, and still pretending everything is fine; still letting Jinki into her home, bringing him into a family that is complete in its own right, that doesn't need him there. Smiling at her husband as he wraps an arm around Jinki's shoulders, tugs them closer together. Smiling, and inviting Jinki over to dinner because her husband loves him, and pretending her heart isn't breaking with every day, with every hour Changryul spends away from home.
Jinki isn't ashamed of who he is -- he got over that early on -- but he's not proud, either, and he's especially not proud of the fact that he's dating a married man. What he and Changryul are doing is worse than any wife's worst nightmare, because the fact that Changryul is gay, well. For most men who don't love their wives enough, it's not a matter of can't, it's a matter of won't. For Changryul, it really is that he can't.
Jinki wants to say no, no it's not okay, this is our anniversary and Chaehee doesn't belong there. (Except she does -- he hadn't expected it, and he's pretty sure Changryul hadn't, either, but Chaehee seems to genuinely like Jinki, and Jinki knows they wouldn't have lasted this long if she didn't approve of their friendship.) More than that, Changryul is understanding and patient, waiting for Jinki to make his decision without pressure, yet somehow hopeful that Jinki will say yes to Chaehee's invitation. It's like the first time he invited Jinki to have dinner with his family all over again: a little worried, a little excited, mostly eager to share the three most important people in his life with each other. It hadn't mattered if Jinki said yes or no -- turning him down wouldn't have been the end to them -- but Jinki had never been able to say no to Changryul. He still can't.
"Okay," he says, beaming up at Changryul. Changryul still looks unsure, like he thinks Jinki really doesn't want to spend their anniversary with Changryul's wife -- which Jinki doesn't, for himself, but Changryul does, and what Changryul wants has always been what Jinki wants, even when he doesn't know it. So, "Okay," he repeats, dragging their joined hands into his lap to untangle and retangle their fingers.
Changryul doesn't respond right away, too busy staring at his hand in Jinki's lap. Jinki instinctively tightens his hold, and waits.
When Changryul looks up, his eyes are brimming with so much happiness and adoration it makes Jinki's chest clench. He feels like he's just been sucker-punched; he can't move, can't breathe with how much he loves this man, who takes care of him and dotes on him, and always, always touches Jinki so reverently it's like he's not sure what to do with something so wonderful -- which is ridiculous, because Jinki's the one who should feel grateful and awed that he has someone so caring and understanding, not the other way around.
I would do anything for you, he thinks, a little desperately. How can you not know by now?
Changryul's fingers wrap tighter around Jinki's, and the look on his face as he leans in to kiss him is one of bewildered wonder, like maybe he does know and can't quite comprehend it. Like he's the luckiest man alive, like they're both the luckiest men, and -- and maybe that's it, Jinki thinks as Changryul gently tilts Jinki's head to deepen the kiss: maybe he's not the only winner here, maybe they're both lucky to have each other.
Jinki threads his fingers into Changryul's hair, and Changryul makes a pleased sound against his mouth, and Jinki knows he made the right choice. Not just particular decision, but every decision that brought them to this moment, to kissing slow and sweet late at night in the passenger seat of Changryul's car, to making plans to spend their one-year anniversary together, to the prospect of a family he never thought he would have slowly making room for him in their hearts and lives. All of it -- it was all the right decision.
Changryul (DJ Doc)/Onew, PG-13, ~1300 words
For damson_jam, the only person crazy enough to ship this with me. ♥ Also because this fancam is too adorable for words. Warning for cheating. This was going to be much longer and the length was going to help make it obviously not-cheating, but as it stands now, that's how it reads. A friend suggested I name this Hang the moon in your eyes 'cause it don't fit in the sky, so that should tell you what you're getting into.
They sit in silence outside Jinki's dorm. Jinki likes quiet moments like these -- just him and Changryul, alone in the dark, their hands joined in the space between their seats. It's late enough that there are no fans waiting outside the apartment, which means it's safe to roll the car windows down and enjoy the warm night air. Changryul's thumb draws lazy circles over Jinki's knuckles; Jinki studies the movement, fascinated that this is still all it takes for his stomach to dissolve into a mess of butterflies. The sensation is making him drowsy. Jinki is tempted to let his eyes drift shut, fall asleep to Changryul's fingers burning lullabies into his skin. It would be so easy, he thinks. Changryul would let him. Would sit watching Jinki's chest rise and fall before letting their hands fall apart so he could drive Jinki back to his house. Would tuck him in on the family room couch with blankets brought by his wife. They would be careful not to wake him, and Changryul would linger for a few minutes before joining her in bed. It's happened before. Jinki is sure it will happen again.
But not tonight. Much as he'd love to fall asleep in Changryul's company, moments like these don't come very often, and Jinki wants to enjoy it to the end.
Changryul's thumb stills, and he squeezes Jinki's hand, smiling down at him. "Are you busy this Sunday?"
Jinki scrunches his nose in thought. Sunday. Sunday is -- "No," he says, squeezing Changryul's hand in return and beaming up at him. "That's our --" He stops; he can't bring himself to say the word "anniversary", it sounds too cheesy. Even in his head. "--Right? I made sure it was clear." He doesn't mention the schedules he traded to Kibum and Jonghyun, or all the ribbing his bandmates have given him for wanting the night off. Changryul seems to see through his nonchalance, though, because he chuckles briefly. Jinki would be affronted, but he's distracted when Changryul starts to speak.
"I was thinking of doing something else," he says, suddenly sheepish. "And we still can, but Chaehee wants you to come over for dinner." He swings their locked hands between them. "Is that okay?"
Jinki goes into panic mode. "Um," he says eloquently. His free hand clenches into a fist by his side, and he forces it to relax, opening his hand and pressing his palm against his thigh. He doesn't know what to say and he doesn't want Changryul to notice, but -- but it's weird, isn't it? It's always been weird, how often he eats dinner at their house. It doesn't feel like it, because Chaehee makes sure Jinki feels like he belongs there, sitting across from them at dinner, or squished between them on the couch, Juhwan on his lap as they watch some children's show. It's not normal, because Jinki is almost young enough to be their son, but they treat him like an equal. Like he's Juhwan's third parent, like it's perfectly ordinary for Juhwan to have a mother and two fathers. Jinki knows it's not, but he likes it and it seems like they do, too, so it usually doesn't bother him.
But.
But it's their anniversary, and that's just too weird. Chaehee can't possibly know that -- or, or maybe she does, and that's a thought Jinki always tries to ignore because it makes him feel sick. The thought that she might have worked it out, that she might know why Changryul spends so much time with him, it's too much to handle. He hates the feeling that he's lying to her, but her knowing would be so much worse. Knowing, and still pretending everything is fine; still letting Jinki into her home, bringing him into a family that is complete in its own right, that doesn't need him there. Smiling at her husband as he wraps an arm around Jinki's shoulders, tugs them closer together. Smiling, and inviting Jinki over to dinner because her husband loves him, and pretending her heart isn't breaking with every day, with every hour Changryul spends away from home.
Jinki isn't ashamed of who he is -- he got over that early on -- but he's not proud, either, and he's especially not proud of the fact that he's dating a married man. What he and Changryul are doing is worse than any wife's worst nightmare, because the fact that Changryul is gay, well. For most men who don't love their wives enough, it's not a matter of can't, it's a matter of won't. For Changryul, it really is that he can't.
Jinki wants to say no, no it's not okay, this is our anniversary and Chaehee doesn't belong there. (Except she does -- he hadn't expected it, and he's pretty sure Changryul hadn't, either, but Chaehee seems to genuinely like Jinki, and Jinki knows they wouldn't have lasted this long if she didn't approve of their friendship.) More than that, Changryul is understanding and patient, waiting for Jinki to make his decision without pressure, yet somehow hopeful that Jinki will say yes to Chaehee's invitation. It's like the first time he invited Jinki to have dinner with his family all over again: a little worried, a little excited, mostly eager to share the three most important people in his life with each other. It hadn't mattered if Jinki said yes or no -- turning him down wouldn't have been the end to them -- but Jinki had never been able to say no to Changryul. He still can't.
"Okay," he says, beaming up at Changryul. Changryul still looks unsure, like he thinks Jinki really doesn't want to spend their anniversary with Changryul's wife -- which Jinki doesn't, for himself, but Changryul does, and what Changryul wants has always been what Jinki wants, even when he doesn't know it. So, "Okay," he repeats, dragging their joined hands into his lap to untangle and retangle their fingers.
Changryul doesn't respond right away, too busy staring at his hand in Jinki's lap. Jinki instinctively tightens his hold, and waits.
When Changryul looks up, his eyes are brimming with so much happiness and adoration it makes Jinki's chest clench. He feels like he's just been sucker-punched; he can't move, can't breathe with how much he loves this man, who takes care of him and dotes on him, and always, always touches Jinki so reverently it's like he's not sure what to do with something so wonderful -- which is ridiculous, because Jinki's the one who should feel grateful and awed that he has someone so caring and understanding, not the other way around.
I would do anything for you, he thinks, a little desperately. How can you not know by now?
Changryul's fingers wrap tighter around Jinki's, and the look on his face as he leans in to kiss him is one of bewildered wonder, like maybe he does know and can't quite comprehend it. Like he's the luckiest man alive, like they're both the luckiest men, and -- and maybe that's it, Jinki thinks as Changryul gently tilts Jinki's head to deepen the kiss: maybe he's not the only winner here, maybe they're both lucky to have each other.
Jinki threads his fingers into Changryul's hair, and Changryul makes a pleased sound against his mouth, and Jinki knows he made the right choice. Not just particular decision, but every decision that brought them to this moment, to kissing slow and sweet late at night in the passenger seat of Changryul's car, to making plans to spend their one-year anniversary together, to the prospect of a family he never thought he would have slowly making room for him in their hearts and lives. All of it -- it was all the right decision.