003. (v2) [video]

[stillseecracks]

[At first, there is no sound; there is only the image of Xanth's forearm. Lines of letters curl around his fingers, twist around his hand, and spiral onto his arm. The ink, jet black, is stark against his pale skin.]

Th-this-- it means I-I've been-- t-too quiet, right? I-It... it wants me to-- t-to say... s-something.

[It's been a while since he'

Comments

[Audio]

[lightyourway]

I'm okay.

[She hasn't spoken to Xanth since they both returned to the barracks. It isn't that she'd meant to avoid him. She's just... Been preoccupied.

Xanth, on the other hand, doesn't sound okay.]

I have some oranges...

[The offer is there before she's finished, but she'd hoped making smoothies could be something fun. Xanth doesn't sound like he's really up for fun.]

Do you want some?

[Commentlog]

[lightyourway]

Oh...

[She had thought maybe he'd lost a friend. Well, he had lost a friend, hadn't he? She was the one who had insisted that he and Riku were friends. Still, she hadn't guess that it was this that was upsetting him.

And part of her wasn't really willing to talk about it. It had been awful. But Riku was back. That was all that mattered.]

I didn't know. I should have talked to you about it.

I'm sorry.

[Commentlog]

[stillseecracks]

[Xanth shrugs one shoulder.]

N-No, it's, i-it's not... your f--fault. D-Don't... don't worry.

[His issues were not Kairi's problems. In fact, he would rather not speak of them at all, but she is so hard to lie to. And weeks of solitude hadn't helped, so maybe talking would?

But not to Kairi. No. She couldn't know that Xanth, not the sickness, had taken Riku's life.]

[Commentlog]

[lightyourway]

[But she does worry.

Because Riku had said that Varric had changed.

And Riku had been infected too.]

Xanth? What happened?

[She should never have left.]

Did he hurt you?

[Commentlog]

[stillseecracks]

[Xanth drops his head with a small, mirthless laugh.]

N-No, no, he... h-he didn't. H-He was... w-way too... sick t--to do anything.

[Xanth has stopped peeling his orange. Instead, he absentmindedly tears at what rind he has peeled.]

[Commentlog]

[lightyourway]

[He laughed. That isn't funny. She can't understand.]

I should have stayed with him.

[When he was so sick and hurting.]

I should have been there...

[When he died.]

[Commentlog]

[stillseecracks]

[Xanth cringes.]

N-No, it's...

[Death is ugly. There's blood, seizing, choking breaths, and their eyes... Xanth will not forget the sight of Riku's dead eyes. No matter Riku's cause of death, Xanth is glad that Kairi didn't see it.

Now, he swallows hard.]

H-He wasn't... he... w-wasn't a-- alone. I-I was-- I... I-I s--stayed with him.

[Commentlog]

[lightyourway]

Maybe, I could have helped.

[She doesn't really believe it. And she doesn't know which she likes less, that she could and did nothing, or that she was helpless yet again.]

Did it hurt him?

[She would regret asking. She needs to know.]

[Commentlog]

[stillseecracks]

[Xanth's throat tightens.]

Y...Yeah.

I-I don't... I don't know if-- i-if he... r-remembers. He was... h-he... he was r-really, really s--sick...

[Commentlog]

[lightyourway]

[Her hands clench into fists in her knees and she stares down at them.]

I know.

[He was dying.]

Xanth? Thanks.

[Commentlog]

[stillseecracks]

[Xanth shakes his head.]

D-Don't, don't thank me. [His voice cracks; the guilt is nigh overwhelming.] Don't. I--I-I didn't-- do a-anything worth-- w-worth thanking me f--for.

[Commentlog]

[lightyourway]

[She looks up at him, confusion written all over her face. Did she say something wrong?]

You stayed.

[Which was more than she'd done.]

You were there when... He needed you.

[Commentlog]

[stillseecracks]

K-Kairi, I... I...

[Xanth is not yet crying, but there's a lump in his throat and his eyes prickle. He takes in a shudderimg breath, and then his voice drops to a whisper.]

I-I k...k-killed him.

[Commentlog]

[lightyourway]

[She looks away, nods.]

I wondered.

[Her voice is as soft as his, and thick. But she cried so much in quarantine. She's past the point of tears.]

Why?

[There's no anger, no judgment. Her middle feels like it's taken a blow from a pillow rather than a solid fist that steals her breath away. She's felt the latter before. Why is this different?

Is it because she'd already thought about it? Already cried? Already wrung out her anger and fear while trapped alone waiting to see if she too had caught the disease?

She doesn't know.

But still, it feels like an important question. She feels like she should know.]

[Commentlog]

[stillseecracks]

He-- h-he was-- he was sick, h-he was-- d-dying, he... he thought... he th-thought he'd-- turn or, or s-something...

[Xanth sweeps his hair behind his ear, but it all falls back into his face. He doesn't move it again.]

S-So he... he... he a--asked me to. A-And I... I--I... did.

[Commentlog]

[lightyourway]

[Kairi's fists twitch where they still sit, clenched in her knees. She can't thank him again. She'll only upset him. She can't thank him, not for killing her friend. But she can't let him hurt like this. Not when Riku asked him to. Not when Riku needed him to and she couldn't.

She couldn't have done it. She couldn't have done anything. And so it had to be Xanth.

Without word or warning, she leaned sideways to hug him. Oranges tumbled from her lap and rolled across the floor.]

I'm sorry.