Tolerance, Acceptance, and Approval
Lately I've been noticing a sort of trend developing amongst people around me, a sort of... psychological or behavioral trend. I first started noticing it with my family and friends, but as I looked around, it became drastically clear to me that it wasn't limited to people I knew. There were people in the media, people on the street, workers in businesses, who all have started to do this. It's gotten to be sort of a dull thrum around me, everywhere I go now. Now, mind you, I'm American, so I don't know if it's happening elsewhere. But it's pretty common over here.
I've named it "The High Dudgeon Hymn."
It's pretty simple how it works, and it's everywhere: people are starting to get personal about everything. They're starting to take every little feeling, whim, emotional statement, and belief system personally. Any time someone says something, they're sifting through it for possible secret-coded messages which might be an insult to THEIR WAY OF LIFE!!!one!!
I know- you're probably saying, "But Rune... they're always like that." And normally I'd agree with you.
Except... there's something different about it now. It's like they're slowly being brought to a mad frothing state, to a riotous mass mentality. Like, any minute now, they'll be stomping around with pitchforks and torches and charging at whatever Frankenstein they can. Only, instead of finding their monster, they'll end up encountering another mob, one charging in the other direction.
I've been getting all sorts of "doomsday" messages from people- "Change is coming! Beware!" And hell, maybe they're right- I've certainly been feeling strange pressures and tides myself lately. But maybe this is an indicator of a deeper problem that still needs to be looked at, one which apparently has picked up a baton and some sheet music, and is starting to conduct the choir.
...
Now, you guys know I'm not fond of extreme causes. Extreme solutions, maybe- it's no secret that I find perverse glee in suggesting the most awful solutions to people. Shock value, and all that.
But that's (mostly) just humor. And largely I find such things humorous [i]because[\i] I'm not really extremist in my views. I tend to distrust changes made through "verve and enthusiasm and just sheer belief and will." They're almost always poorly thought-out.
I'm a witch. I know solutions are rarely that easy, although they ARE often simple. Simple doesn't always mean "not difficult," especially if you're unable to muster the simple solution on your own. Keys are simple, after all- no matter how complicated the lock, the key is usually relatively simplistic. But, if you don't have the key... Not easy at all.
And that's what brings me to my answer to the High Dudgeon Hymn everyone seems to be singing lately. Call it a theory, if you like.
My theory is that people are humming along with their little anthem of indignation, because they've gotten full of themselves. They think that because we all agree in this country that people have certain rights, because we all deserve the freedom to choose our own way and fight for what we believe in, we have the right to tell others what is right for them too.
Again, you might say "But Rune... We're always like that." And you'd be right. And you might also point out that I'm no stranger to such conduct myself. And you'd be right again. And therein lies the problem. We're starting to accept this as being acceptable (remember that word, "acceptable," it comes up later).
In other words, we've gotten a little big for our britches again.
This is dangerous, people. Hubris is what brought down the Greeks, the Romans, the Chinese, and every major culture and religious movement in the world. Hubris- overweening pride, the kind of pride which makes one overreach and overextend to the point of destruction to oneself and all those around you. The kind of pride which says "I am awesome, and therefore everything is FINE and will work out exactly as I intend it to, because my ideas/thoughts/beliefs/actions are the only thing that matters." This kind of pride blinds us to consequences or unfavorable surrounding circumstances. Too much self-pride becomes dangerous.
In other words, people...
"GET OVER YOURSELVES."
I think we need to accept a little reality here, and face some basic truths. Why don't we start with defining some terms, maybe?
Vocab definitions for the day:
Tolerance- capacity to endure pain or hardship
Acceptance- an agreeing either expressly or by conduct to the act or offer of another so that a contract is formed, binding both parties to its (sometimes tacit) definitions.
Approval- Favorable regard or commendation
People are always referring to the fact that we need more tolerance from those opposed to us. Gay people are constantly riding that horse all over town- "Tolerate me! Accept me! You have to!" they cry. And then they proceed to act in the most ridiculous and occasionally outright offensive manner possible, claiming that it's their "right" to be obnoxious.
Christian conservatives are on the same horse too, lately. "Religious freedom!" is their catcall, as if by brandishing their banner over their heads, their god will allow them to do all the things they want to, and will smite all their foes. Even though their religion expressly defies such conduct in their holy doctrines. And they're not alone. Wiccans, Buddhists, Pagans, Jews, Muslims... even the Baha'i.
Does this sound sensible? Does this sound reasonable? Not to me.
You can't whinge and whine about 'acceptance' and 'tolerance' when you're doing absolutely nothing to deserve it. Pagans, gay people, women, people of a non-white racial background, they all are still people. They deserve the SAME rights and considerations everyone gets. Everyone deserves the SAME consideration.
And that means, everyone deserves to be told "You are annoying and you are pissing me off!" One does not persuade others to see one as acceptable by acting in an unacceptable manner. And while many commonly accepted social norms are NOT actually healthy or good for our future, you can't expect those sorts of things to change through bullying.
To deserve tolerance, one must be tolerant and always strive to be tolerable. To deserve acceptance, one must be accepting and always aim to be acceptable.
And frankly, I find all that just a little exhausting. I'm not really looking for other people to be involved in my processes, and I don't really involve them in my life unless they seem worthy to me. So, I don't ask people to tolerate me. I don't ask them to accept me. I do as I please, and I don't care what other people say about it, because they're not a part of my decision making process.
And, because I know you can't have your cake and eat it too, when I fall on my ass or have some sort of trouble, I know not to go to other people for help. If I haven't paid for it, I don't deserve it. Trying to take something from someone else without offering payment is stealing- people either have to offer something freely, or you have to offer payment.
That's just common sense, which I'm really starting to think is actually a super-power. I really am going to start saying "Hold it... my common sense is tingling."
So, start paying for what you ask for, people. Give to receive. That's just simple reason. You can't have what you want unless you pay for it.
And seriously, why don't we pay for it? Truly, I think we should start being honest with ourselves- we're not seeking tolerance or acceptance, because we don't actually WANT those things.
Nobody WANTS to be 'tolerated.' Being tolerated means someone doesn't like you, they endure you like they do pain or hardship. And if we wanted acceptance, we'd have to pay in kind, under the tacit and implied or even stated rules of a social contract.
What we WANT is approval. Freely given, freely accepted, we want people to approve of us. Or, maybe we want our gods to approve of our actions, because we don't care about what people think.
And approval is commendation, favorable regard. We want people to approve of our actions and ourselves because we want them to validate our actions, to reinforce the idea that we're right and good and worthy. We want our gods to smile up on us and offer us mercy for much the same reasons.
I suggest this- instead of tolerance and acceptance, let's aim for approval. Let's figure out what we actually DO feel favorable regard for, and which things meet our disapproval. Moreover, let's examine why. Then, we can share those things with each other and actually discuss it. Maybe a little honesty and personal introspection, followed by some actual communication, will clear up some of these misunderstandings.
And then, we can change the music a bit.