[Spite Filter] The Litmus Test
Something's been bothering me lately, and I'm going to post about it. It concerns friends, and what it means to be one.
Glad to see you decided to join us. If the others can't handle my snark, fuck them. That's part of what this is about.
So. Friends. What are they?
People you like? People who like you? People who you like who also like you?
Dictionary.com gave the following as their top four definitions (I left the bottom one out because it was very specifically associated with the Quakers):
FRIEND [frend]
-noun
1.
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2.
a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
3.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.
4.
a member of the same nation, party, etc.
So. Let's examine this, shall we?
The first statement implies that friends are attached to each other, because of their feelings or personal regard. This implies respect or affection.
But it also says 'attached.' As in, 'tied to.' In my opinion, that means there's a very careful line we need to watch here- when does 'tied to' become 'imprisoned?' Because if anybody I'm friends with considers being my friend a prison or a too-heavy burden?
Fuck off.
Seriously, get the fuck out. I don't need people in my life who think I'm baggage. I'm not going to play that game.
This is reason one why I'm careful who I choose as a true 'friend.'
The second definition we're provided says that friends are supportive and that they give assistance. This is one I strongly and firmly believe in- I always try to uplift my friends. We'll talk about that later.
The third definition says "a person who is not hostile," and talks about being on good terms.
Yeah, that one's sticking with me. My friends know it's ok to argue with me, to disagree, to have an emotional problem with something I've said or done, and that I encourage them to bring it to my attention.
And that is BECAUSE I want to remain "on good terms" with people I've chosen as friends. Not because I intend to be friends with someone who has a constant bad attitude, or is always a pain in my ass. And indeed, a great number of people have found themselves suddenly NOT in my good graces because of just such behavior.
The last one says "a member of the same nation or party," and I was originally going to ignore it, but I think I should focus on it a bit. I don't care if someone is politically or religiously in agreement with me, or if they live in the same state or even the same continent.
But, I do recognize that by and large, my friends are witches, or liberal minded, or generally more intelligent than most. So, in that way, they do share various demographics with me.
So, maybe the 'sameness' clause has something to it. I move on.
I have a friend, whom I love very much. He broke up with a guy a while back, and it was really hard on him. The ex then friended me on Facebook and Myspace- I don't know the guy very well, but he's cute enough to be on my "want to see your other pics" page, and I didn't know about the breakup.
Then, my friend contacted me, and asked me why I was friends with him on Facebook.
Now, some of you are probably thinking "Uh oh, Rune's going to flip, he doesn't like people making him choose between friends..."
Keep reading, please.
When he told me what happened, I was appalled. I realize that there are always two sides to every story, but having had a little bit of experience with the guy in question, I was able to recognize something.
I needed to unfriend him. Specifically, for two reasons. 1. A friend means more to me than a name on a page. People who think we're associated might draw the wrong conclusions. 2. When you hurt one of my friends, unfriending you on an online networking site is the very LEAST I'm going to do to you.
In my opinion, to be a friend, you have to constantly be trying to know them. You have to be invested in their goals, at least enough to be supportive when they're trying to do something, even if it's not that interesting to you. You have to care for their well-being, and generally be trying to make your every interaction with them one that helps and furthers them.
So, in the interest of helping others do that very same thing, I'm going to go ahead and explain a few things about me, just so you know where I stand on some things.
My philosophies when dealing with others, what you might call my litmus test for friends, are actually related to my coven's traditional oaths. They're one of the few things about my coven's mysteries that I'm allowed to share. There are seven creeds which I follow, in addition to the personal practice of the Witch's Pyramid, and I gauge how close I'll be with someone based on how well they mind and respect these mottos naturally:
1. Freedom: I am a huge supporter of the free choice. There is always a choice. I don't hinder people's free will, and even at my most bossy and pompous, if it is actually your will not to do what I've asked or told you to do, I will acquiesce to your request. If you inform me later that I hurt your feelings, I will definitely talk about it with you. That being said, I do what I choose to do, and I am NOT obligated to feel a certain way or do a certain thing just because you want me to.
2. Determination: I am not your babysitter, and I don't want a babysitter. I will cheerlead for you, support you, love you, and honor your choices. I will not wipe your ass, nor will I do things for you, unless you've earned aid from me due to something you've done for me. However, if you are working hard at something and just not succeeding, I may be willing to help you succeed, because I honor determination.
3. Discretion: I keep people's confidences, but I do NOT have to. If you tell me something, you understand that it is up to my discretion as to how I use it. If I promise you that I won't tell anyone, that is a promise that I choose to keep. I am not obligated to do so. If you don't like me afterwards, well... why did you put me in a position where keeping your confidence was destructive or debilitating to those I love? 'Cause that's about the only time Rune shares another person's secrets.
4. Loyalty: And this is where I lose half my 'friends.' I am a loyal person, and I am committed to those things which are valuable and crucial to me. Indeed, my loyalties are a bit hierarchical in nature, so they're easy to understand- first, my deities and loved ones; second, those who serve the interests of mine and me (see: deities and loved ones), and finally, everyone else.
Where does that leave you? Well, that depends. If you're one of those people who don't have to try to support me in order to support me- if you are minimalizing the drama in my life, and working towards everything I'm working for in a way that doesn't shove me to the side, and if you love me and let me love you, then you're in the first category. If you're supporting my work, my ideals, and/or my loved ones and me, you're in the second category. If not? You're everyone else. And the order of priority is 123, and it doesn't change. So, if you're wondering why you're suddenly in the third circle, or why you can't leave the second to get to the first? Now you know what's what, so you can decide for yourself where you want to be.
5. Respect: Regardless of who someone is or what they're supposed to have done, all people are treated equally by me- they're given the same chances, and they all stand or fall on their own merit with me. I will offer everyone multiple chances to earn my trust, and I will offer the best of what I can offer as often as I can... until you piss me off. Then, you have ONE option- work things out with me, or you'll pay the price. If you decide that your ego is worth more than the happiness of mine and me? Well... everyone who does that gets treated the same too. We'll talk about that in a moment.
6. Peace: I don't hurt people unless they're a danger to mine and me. If you are a threat to my people or myself, I watch you. If you act in a threatening manner, I neutralize you. If you've already managed to hurt someone, I make you pay for it. The end.
That being said, I would like to emphasize that I only hurt people if they're endangering my people or myself. Most people are NOT threats, no matter how much they'd like to be. And if they're annoying? Well... I treat everyone who is a pain in my ass the same- they get the brunt of my casual cruelty and bitchiness. If they don't like it, they can step up and act like people who deserve a second chance, and I'll give them one. If they earn it. However, I won't hurt them- I might annoy them or bitch at them, or treat them unkindly, but I will cause no damage. Any damage they suffer as a result of me being snide and snarky with them, or causing them mischief, is done by their own hand. And I am SCRUPULOUS about that.
7. Trade: All things have a price. I am more exacting about this for myself than I am with anyone else. I give nothing without accepting payment for it, and I accept nothing without paying the proffered price. All prices WILL be above the table, and that is that. That means, I WILL pay you back if you do something kind for me, just like I WILL get you back if you do something horrible to me. If what you're doing for me is payment for something I have done to you... well, fair's fair. You win. But you'd best make that clear, or you'll find yourself in a heap of trouble, wondering why I'm being so unfair.
...
Now that we've settled that, allow me to again address the subject above, with my friend and his ex.
I don't make people choose between friends. However, all things have a price. If you have a friend who has hurt me, and you looooooove that friend so much that you let them hurt me... you are not my friend. If you choose to be friends with someone who hurts those I love, you had best acknowledge that I am watching you. I will blame you, and I will repay you for any harm mine and me suffer, if you don't protect us from your 'friend.' I will give you every opportunity to repair the situation, which is more than I ever give to people who have lost my trust and respect. But, that is the best you will get from me.
That being said, I don't allow others to make me choose between friends. I always choose to support my friends in the way that THEY need most, in the way that I can provide. And I protect my friends from each other if necessary.
And if you're NOT my friend, and I'm put into the situation where I have to choose between someone I love and you? Don't act surprised when I support them over you. It's contemptible. And no, they didn't force me. I decided all my own. You're not my friend, you don't deserve my loyalty.
*Surgeon General's Warning: This post has not been addressed at any of my online friends currently reading this post- all personal directive statements were entirely for rhetorical emphasis. Any worry on the part of those reading my journal may be the result of guilty consciences or personal psychological blocks or boundaries, but the author strongly discourages any paranoia-adorned or anxious confession comments being left. They will only embarrass the poster, and will likely confuse the author.
Glad to see you decided to join us. If the others can't handle my snark, fuck them. That's part of what this is about.
So. Friends. What are they?
People you like? People who like you? People who you like who also like you?
Dictionary.com gave the following as their top four definitions (I left the bottom one out because it was very specifically associated with the Quakers):
FRIEND [frend]
-noun
1.
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2.
a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.
3.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.
4.
a member of the same nation, party, etc.
So. Let's examine this, shall we?
The first statement implies that friends are attached to each other, because of their feelings or personal regard. This implies respect or affection.
But it also says 'attached.' As in, 'tied to.' In my opinion, that means there's a very careful line we need to watch here- when does 'tied to' become 'imprisoned?' Because if anybody I'm friends with considers being my friend a prison or a too-heavy burden?
Fuck off.
Seriously, get the fuck out. I don't need people in my life who think I'm baggage. I'm not going to play that game.
This is reason one why I'm careful who I choose as a true 'friend.'
The second definition we're provided says that friends are supportive and that they give assistance. This is one I strongly and firmly believe in- I always try to uplift my friends. We'll talk about that later.
The third definition says "a person who is not hostile," and talks about being on good terms.
Yeah, that one's sticking with me. My friends know it's ok to argue with me, to disagree, to have an emotional problem with something I've said or done, and that I encourage them to bring it to my attention.
And that is BECAUSE I want to remain "on good terms" with people I've chosen as friends. Not because I intend to be friends with someone who has a constant bad attitude, or is always a pain in my ass. And indeed, a great number of people have found themselves suddenly NOT in my good graces because of just such behavior.
The last one says "a member of the same nation or party," and I was originally going to ignore it, but I think I should focus on it a bit. I don't care if someone is politically or religiously in agreement with me, or if they live in the same state or even the same continent.
But, I do recognize that by and large, my friends are witches, or liberal minded, or generally more intelligent than most. So, in that way, they do share various demographics with me.
So, maybe the 'sameness' clause has something to it. I move on.
I have a friend, whom I love very much. He broke up with a guy a while back, and it was really hard on him. The ex then friended me on Facebook and Myspace- I don't know the guy very well, but he's cute enough to be on my "want to see your other pics" page, and I didn't know about the breakup.
Then, my friend contacted me, and asked me why I was friends with him on Facebook.
Now, some of you are probably thinking "Uh oh, Rune's going to flip, he doesn't like people making him choose between friends..."
Keep reading, please.
When he told me what happened, I was appalled. I realize that there are always two sides to every story, but having had a little bit of experience with the guy in question, I was able to recognize something.
I needed to unfriend him. Specifically, for two reasons. 1. A friend means more to me than a name on a page. People who think we're associated might draw the wrong conclusions. 2. When you hurt one of my friends, unfriending you on an online networking site is the very LEAST I'm going to do to you.
In my opinion, to be a friend, you have to constantly be trying to know them. You have to be invested in their goals, at least enough to be supportive when they're trying to do something, even if it's not that interesting to you. You have to care for their well-being, and generally be trying to make your every interaction with them one that helps and furthers them.
So, in the interest of helping others do that very same thing, I'm going to go ahead and explain a few things about me, just so you know where I stand on some things.
My philosophies when dealing with others, what you might call my litmus test for friends, are actually related to my coven's traditional oaths. They're one of the few things about my coven's mysteries that I'm allowed to share. There are seven creeds which I follow, in addition to the personal practice of the Witch's Pyramid, and I gauge how close I'll be with someone based on how well they mind and respect these mottos naturally:
1. Freedom: I am a huge supporter of the free choice. There is always a choice. I don't hinder people's free will, and even at my most bossy and pompous, if it is actually your will not to do what I've asked or told you to do, I will acquiesce to your request. If you inform me later that I hurt your feelings, I will definitely talk about it with you. That being said, I do what I choose to do, and I am NOT obligated to feel a certain way or do a certain thing just because you want me to.
2. Determination: I am not your babysitter, and I don't want a babysitter. I will cheerlead for you, support you, love you, and honor your choices. I will not wipe your ass, nor will I do things for you, unless you've earned aid from me due to something you've done for me. However, if you are working hard at something and just not succeeding, I may be willing to help you succeed, because I honor determination.
3. Discretion: I keep people's confidences, but I do NOT have to. If you tell me something, you understand that it is up to my discretion as to how I use it. If I promise you that I won't tell anyone, that is a promise that I choose to keep. I am not obligated to do so. If you don't like me afterwards, well... why did you put me in a position where keeping your confidence was destructive or debilitating to those I love? 'Cause that's about the only time Rune shares another person's secrets.
4. Loyalty: And this is where I lose half my 'friends.' I am a loyal person, and I am committed to those things which are valuable and crucial to me. Indeed, my loyalties are a bit hierarchical in nature, so they're easy to understand- first, my deities and loved ones; second, those who serve the interests of mine and me (see: deities and loved ones), and finally, everyone else.
Where does that leave you? Well, that depends. If you're one of those people who don't have to try to support me in order to support me- if you are minimalizing the drama in my life, and working towards everything I'm working for in a way that doesn't shove me to the side, and if you love me and let me love you, then you're in the first category. If you're supporting my work, my ideals, and/or my loved ones and me, you're in the second category. If not? You're everyone else. And the order of priority is 123, and it doesn't change. So, if you're wondering why you're suddenly in the third circle, or why you can't leave the second to get to the first? Now you know what's what, so you can decide for yourself where you want to be.
5. Respect: Regardless of who someone is or what they're supposed to have done, all people are treated equally by me- they're given the same chances, and they all stand or fall on their own merit with me. I will offer everyone multiple chances to earn my trust, and I will offer the best of what I can offer as often as I can... until you piss me off. Then, you have ONE option- work things out with me, or you'll pay the price. If you decide that your ego is worth more than the happiness of mine and me? Well... everyone who does that gets treated the same too. We'll talk about that in a moment.
6. Peace: I don't hurt people unless they're a danger to mine and me. If you are a threat to my people or myself, I watch you. If you act in a threatening manner, I neutralize you. If you've already managed to hurt someone, I make you pay for it. The end.
That being said, I would like to emphasize that I only hurt people if they're endangering my people or myself. Most people are NOT threats, no matter how much they'd like to be. And if they're annoying? Well... I treat everyone who is a pain in my ass the same- they get the brunt of my casual cruelty and bitchiness. If they don't like it, they can step up and act like people who deserve a second chance, and I'll give them one. If they earn it. However, I won't hurt them- I might annoy them or bitch at them, or treat them unkindly, but I will cause no damage. Any damage they suffer as a result of me being snide and snarky with them, or causing them mischief, is done by their own hand. And I am SCRUPULOUS about that.
7. Trade: All things have a price. I am more exacting about this for myself than I am with anyone else. I give nothing without accepting payment for it, and I accept nothing without paying the proffered price. All prices WILL be above the table, and that is that. That means, I WILL pay you back if you do something kind for me, just like I WILL get you back if you do something horrible to me. If what you're doing for me is payment for something I have done to you... well, fair's fair. You win. But you'd best make that clear, or you'll find yourself in a heap of trouble, wondering why I'm being so unfair.
...
Now that we've settled that, allow me to again address the subject above, with my friend and his ex.
I don't make people choose between friends. However, all things have a price. If you have a friend who has hurt me, and you looooooove that friend so much that you let them hurt me... you are not my friend. If you choose to be friends with someone who hurts those I love, you had best acknowledge that I am watching you. I will blame you, and I will repay you for any harm mine and me suffer, if you don't protect us from your 'friend.' I will give you every opportunity to repair the situation, which is more than I ever give to people who have lost my trust and respect. But, that is the best you will get from me.
That being said, I don't allow others to make me choose between friends. I always choose to support my friends in the way that THEY need most, in the way that I can provide. And I protect my friends from each other if necessary.
And if you're NOT my friend, and I'm put into the situation where I have to choose between someone I love and you? Don't act surprised when I support them over you. It's contemptible. And no, they didn't force me. I decided all my own. You're not my friend, you don't deserve my loyalty.
*Surgeon General's Warning: This post has not been addressed at any of my online friends currently reading this post- all personal directive statements were entirely for rhetorical emphasis. Any worry on the part of those reading my journal may be the result of guilty consciences or personal psychological blocks or boundaries, but the author strongly discourages any paranoia-adorned or anxious confession comments being left. They will only embarrass the poster, and will likely confuse the author.