Is it ok to love you?
You'll have to forgive the emo title- Greg and I were watching a sappy gay rom-com called Kiss the Bride, and it made me a little thoughtful.
...Masochist. *grins*
I have a very powerful heart. Not to belittle other people's hearts- far from it, actually. This is less of a comparison to others, and more of a personal revelation. Allow me to explain.
My emotions, contrary to what appears to be the popular opinion, are as potent and intense as most people's. Maybe more than some- I know a great many people who seem to exist in apathy quite comfortably from day to day. And, because I have powerful emotions, I've learned to be a bit careful of how I vent them. Letting myself go far tends to cause trouble for others, and for myself- it's not that I don't cry because I don't feel, and it's not that I don't care about someone's feelings or understand their emotions when I counsel people to 'get over it,' it's actually because I feel so strongly about those I love that I maintain a conservative distance for my emotions.
Especially love. My ex-girlfriend said that I don't know how to love, and that I don't really ever love anyone. Now, granted, she was very hurt by my seeming betrayal of her "trust" (believe me, those are HUGE air-quotes there), and there may be some truth to the first part of that statement. The second part is a complete fabrication, but the first part may have some truth.
The actuality here is, I fall in love too easily. Rather constantly, really- if a person is important to me, then I get infatuated with them. It's just how I'm built. I love easily, and I fall in love or in lust with people so often that I've kind of built a whole lifestyle around it. And of course, there are issues with that, because I'm starting to become aware of the fact that I do actually have issues with love, and how to treat people right.
Thing is, I'm finally noticing it's not all just me. I mean, intellectually, I've sort of known that for a while. People are complicated, and nobody has everything all figured out. Trust me, I do divination regularly, and I'm excellent at reading people and their inner tides. All I've learned in my years of watching and reading the signs is that things aren't stable, that there aren't hard and fast rules about what goes on inside us, and that really, we all have doubt and questions because there are an order of magnitude more uncertainties than there are real answers.
Like, when is it ok to love? HOW, for that matter, is it ok? This has been a question that has plagued me for a long time.
If I find a person desirable and attractive, my first response isn't a positive one. It's a fearful one. My first response is something to the order of "Oh, no... this person is someone who could hurt all the people I love and protect, because I've got a weak spot for them." Or, "this is not ok, the person in front of me is demanding way more of my attention than is rightfully his/hers."
And why? Why do I freak out? Why do I place the responsibility on them? Why do I panic, and overreact, and then have to batten down the hatches so tightly?
Because I fall in love too quickly, and too intensely, and far too often for a comfortable and peaceful life. If I were to place the bulk of my mistakes and troubles at the foot of any monument, it would be one devoted to Love. Not lust, not desire, LOVE.
Because, I love hard. Or at least, it seems that way. I love like a windstorm loves, all madness and chaos and lifting things into the air and putting them down in strange places. I love relentlessly, and on my own terms, and with no rhyme or reason. Honestly, it's a side of me that I can neither control nor live without.
This, you can imagine, makes it really hard for me to have relationships with people. If we're just friends, or business partners, or they're my friend's fiance or something, and I'm in love with them... well, it makes things complicated.
I've learned to just keep it all locked down. That's great for social situations and basic relationships, but it's hard on my heart, and it hurts my deeper more intimate joinings.
So, I have had to start exploring that question. Why the guilt? Why the restraint? Why do I protect people from something they may be more than able to handle?
Because I'm not the only one reacting with fear.
In a world like mine, there's love everywhere, waiting to happen. Relationships spring up, and live their lives, then die in their time, like roses in a garden. Love happens constantly, in small ways. Two people touch hands, and feel their hearts flutter in recognition, and they are granted a choice- to either embrace that moment, or walk away from it.
Love is one of the great initiatory experiences of our lives, part of the great current of Mystery we all must come to again and again, like a river which is the only water supply for a village. We bathe in love, we clear ourselves and our belongings with it, and we drink from it. Sometimes we foul that river for ourselves too, by placing our waste into it. Sometimes we foul it for others, and not for ourselves, instead of disposing of our emotional waste correctly.
And there are other things to experience in the river. Sometimes we find fish and eat for a day, and sometimes we are bitten by a snake in the water. It's a gamble, and a dangerous experience, and yet it is still a crucial and potent force in our lives.
It terrifies us. Mystery is synonymous with death- most initiations are death-like, in that they bring on a change which cannot be stopped and cannot be undone once it has happened. So many of our mysteries are linked to love, so many initiations and experiences, that it's no wonder it's frightening as hell.
We're not just risking a bad experience or two, in exchange for a possible happy ending. We're giving up a life that we may enjoy perfectly well, in exchange for whatever the river has brought us.
And me?
I swim in that river. It's part of who I am. I'm always a part of that flow, always feeling it, always floating in it or swimming against it.
I'm always falling in love, and I've learned that you should keep your eyes open, and don't blame the river for the experience you have. It can only do what it does.
But that seems to be something that eludes others, and that's when I get hurt or bitten, or tossed down the bank a bit.
Is it ok to love someone or something? Do we have to ask permission? I'm not talking about a mild affection or a socially acceptable fondness here.
I'm talking about a fierce and unyielding love, a force which intends to mind another person's well being and help them achieve their desires, to protect them, and to avenge them if they're hurt.
Since that question is hard to answer, let's ask it another way: when is it NOT ok to love someone? How about not loving something?
Is it only ok to love something when it's socially acceptable? When it's open for debate? When it follows rules and guidelines?
Because I don't honestly think love works that way. Love minds boundaries by going around them and finding the cracks in the walls we put up. Love destroys, and prompts us to create and build. Love seduces and carries us away.
If there is a grand deity out there, a major force from whence all gods and all things come, I think that deity is Love. I honestly don't think there's anything more powerful.
Love binds, and love kills, and love heals, and love brings joy, and love brings sorrow... but it is none of these things by itself. And maybe that's why we fear it. But... maybe the solution is to do what we do with our gods- to turn around and love it back.
And maybe that's scary too. I mean, the people of Haiti are not likely loving Mother Earth right now, considering what She just did to their country and all those thousands of people. But that's sort of what we do, isn't it? We find ways to continue loving that which can destroy us, because it can also save us and heal us. And maybe our greatest test is loving that which has already harmed us.
Maybe we must realize that hatred and forgiveness are both two ways we can love. Would it be ok to love if those are the ways you do it?
Maybe there isn't really an answer to this question. I don't know.
But one thing I have learned- I don't ask for permission to love someone, and I often don't bother to explain. I just love them. If they're smart, they figure out that's what I'm doing. If they're not, they just do as they do. It may change my opinion of them, and therefore change how I love them, but once I love something, I always love it.
And I'm always going to be that way. And I'm always going to try to find ways to advocate for love. I will always tell people to go forward with love, if the choice is to do so or not. Don't walk away from it, people. Don't ever turn your back on love, EVER. Even if it means that your love draws you into 'bad' situations, into potentially risky behavior, or makes you change your way of thinking of the world.
Maybe your love calls upon you to have a romance outside your relationship. Maybe it pushes you towards a person of the 'wrong' gender, or race or religion or whatever. Maybe they're married and happily so.
So?
You're not being led to damnation- you're being led to a challenge! Another aspect of the great Mystery is Virtue- we all have it, and we must honor it. If you're led to a situation where your love is not acceptable, find a way to MAKE it so. Love fiercely, and love truly, and make your love healthy and wise.
That's what I've learned to do. That's what I'm always doing. I'm probably doing it with you right now.
Love. Don't ask if it's ok. It doesn't matter if the other person can't handle it. That's their battle, their challenge. Yours is in front of you, deal with your own challenge. Be patient, and let them deal with theirs in their own time.
Patience, like Love, is a Virtue.
...Masochist. *grins*
I have a very powerful heart. Not to belittle other people's hearts- far from it, actually. This is less of a comparison to others, and more of a personal revelation. Allow me to explain.
My emotions, contrary to what appears to be the popular opinion, are as potent and intense as most people's. Maybe more than some- I know a great many people who seem to exist in apathy quite comfortably from day to day. And, because I have powerful emotions, I've learned to be a bit careful of how I vent them. Letting myself go far tends to cause trouble for others, and for myself- it's not that I don't cry because I don't feel, and it's not that I don't care about someone's feelings or understand their emotions when I counsel people to 'get over it,' it's actually because I feel so strongly about those I love that I maintain a conservative distance for my emotions.
Especially love. My ex-girlfriend said that I don't know how to love, and that I don't really ever love anyone. Now, granted, she was very hurt by my seeming betrayal of her "trust" (believe me, those are HUGE air-quotes there), and there may be some truth to the first part of that statement. The second part is a complete fabrication, but the first part may have some truth.
The actuality here is, I fall in love too easily. Rather constantly, really- if a person is important to me, then I get infatuated with them. It's just how I'm built. I love easily, and I fall in love or in lust with people so often that I've kind of built a whole lifestyle around it. And of course, there are issues with that, because I'm starting to become aware of the fact that I do actually have issues with love, and how to treat people right.
Thing is, I'm finally noticing it's not all just me. I mean, intellectually, I've sort of known that for a while. People are complicated, and nobody has everything all figured out. Trust me, I do divination regularly, and I'm excellent at reading people and their inner tides. All I've learned in my years of watching and reading the signs is that things aren't stable, that there aren't hard and fast rules about what goes on inside us, and that really, we all have doubt and questions because there are an order of magnitude more uncertainties than there are real answers.
Like, when is it ok to love? HOW, for that matter, is it ok? This has been a question that has plagued me for a long time.
If I find a person desirable and attractive, my first response isn't a positive one. It's a fearful one. My first response is something to the order of "Oh, no... this person is someone who could hurt all the people I love and protect, because I've got a weak spot for them." Or, "this is not ok, the person in front of me is demanding way more of my attention than is rightfully his/hers."
And why? Why do I freak out? Why do I place the responsibility on them? Why do I panic, and overreact, and then have to batten down the hatches so tightly?
Because I fall in love too quickly, and too intensely, and far too often for a comfortable and peaceful life. If I were to place the bulk of my mistakes and troubles at the foot of any monument, it would be one devoted to Love. Not lust, not desire, LOVE.
Because, I love hard. Or at least, it seems that way. I love like a windstorm loves, all madness and chaos and lifting things into the air and putting them down in strange places. I love relentlessly, and on my own terms, and with no rhyme or reason. Honestly, it's a side of me that I can neither control nor live without.
This, you can imagine, makes it really hard for me to have relationships with people. If we're just friends, or business partners, or they're my friend's fiance or something, and I'm in love with them... well, it makes things complicated.
I've learned to just keep it all locked down. That's great for social situations and basic relationships, but it's hard on my heart, and it hurts my deeper more intimate joinings.
So, I have had to start exploring that question. Why the guilt? Why the restraint? Why do I protect people from something they may be more than able to handle?
Because I'm not the only one reacting with fear.
In a world like mine, there's love everywhere, waiting to happen. Relationships spring up, and live their lives, then die in their time, like roses in a garden. Love happens constantly, in small ways. Two people touch hands, and feel their hearts flutter in recognition, and they are granted a choice- to either embrace that moment, or walk away from it.
Love is one of the great initiatory experiences of our lives, part of the great current of Mystery we all must come to again and again, like a river which is the only water supply for a village. We bathe in love, we clear ourselves and our belongings with it, and we drink from it. Sometimes we foul that river for ourselves too, by placing our waste into it. Sometimes we foul it for others, and not for ourselves, instead of disposing of our emotional waste correctly.
And there are other things to experience in the river. Sometimes we find fish and eat for a day, and sometimes we are bitten by a snake in the water. It's a gamble, and a dangerous experience, and yet it is still a crucial and potent force in our lives.
It terrifies us. Mystery is synonymous with death- most initiations are death-like, in that they bring on a change which cannot be stopped and cannot be undone once it has happened. So many of our mysteries are linked to love, so many initiations and experiences, that it's no wonder it's frightening as hell.
We're not just risking a bad experience or two, in exchange for a possible happy ending. We're giving up a life that we may enjoy perfectly well, in exchange for whatever the river has brought us.
And me?
I swim in that river. It's part of who I am. I'm always a part of that flow, always feeling it, always floating in it or swimming against it.
I'm always falling in love, and I've learned that you should keep your eyes open, and don't blame the river for the experience you have. It can only do what it does.
But that seems to be something that eludes others, and that's when I get hurt or bitten, or tossed down the bank a bit.
Is it ok to love someone or something? Do we have to ask permission? I'm not talking about a mild affection or a socially acceptable fondness here.
I'm talking about a fierce and unyielding love, a force which intends to mind another person's well being and help them achieve their desires, to protect them, and to avenge them if they're hurt.
Since that question is hard to answer, let's ask it another way: when is it NOT ok to love someone? How about not loving something?
Is it only ok to love something when it's socially acceptable? When it's open for debate? When it follows rules and guidelines?
Because I don't honestly think love works that way. Love minds boundaries by going around them and finding the cracks in the walls we put up. Love destroys, and prompts us to create and build. Love seduces and carries us away.
If there is a grand deity out there, a major force from whence all gods and all things come, I think that deity is Love. I honestly don't think there's anything more powerful.
Love binds, and love kills, and love heals, and love brings joy, and love brings sorrow... but it is none of these things by itself. And maybe that's why we fear it. But... maybe the solution is to do what we do with our gods- to turn around and love it back.
And maybe that's scary too. I mean, the people of Haiti are not likely loving Mother Earth right now, considering what She just did to their country and all those thousands of people. But that's sort of what we do, isn't it? We find ways to continue loving that which can destroy us, because it can also save us and heal us. And maybe our greatest test is loving that which has already harmed us.
Maybe we must realize that hatred and forgiveness are both two ways we can love. Would it be ok to love if those are the ways you do it?
Maybe there isn't really an answer to this question. I don't know.
But one thing I have learned- I don't ask for permission to love someone, and I often don't bother to explain. I just love them. If they're smart, they figure out that's what I'm doing. If they're not, they just do as they do. It may change my opinion of them, and therefore change how I love them, but once I love something, I always love it.
And I'm always going to be that way. And I'm always going to try to find ways to advocate for love. I will always tell people to go forward with love, if the choice is to do so or not. Don't walk away from it, people. Don't ever turn your back on love, EVER. Even if it means that your love draws you into 'bad' situations, into potentially risky behavior, or makes you change your way of thinking of the world.
Maybe your love calls upon you to have a romance outside your relationship. Maybe it pushes you towards a person of the 'wrong' gender, or race or religion or whatever. Maybe they're married and happily so.
So?
You're not being led to damnation- you're being led to a challenge! Another aspect of the great Mystery is Virtue- we all have it, and we must honor it. If you're led to a situation where your love is not acceptable, find a way to MAKE it so. Love fiercely, and love truly, and make your love healthy and wise.
That's what I've learned to do. That's what I'm always doing. I'm probably doing it with you right now.
Love. Don't ask if it's ok. It doesn't matter if the other person can't handle it. That's their battle, their challenge. Yours is in front of you, deal with your own challenge. Be patient, and let them deal with theirs in their own time.
Patience, like Love, is a Virtue.