Nikk's family's reaction
Nikk's mom had a big family reunion planned for today. We'd planned on telling everyone about me being pregnant. However, Nikk's sister, Jessica, has been TTC for a year, and is getting very stressed out and discouraged about it.
So, we've been trying to figure out a way to tell her as gently as possible.
The picnic was today (Saturday). We got to my MIL's house on Thursday afternoon. I was wondering when we'd tell her, and at dinner, I asked Nikk, and he said "Not yet." Then later, I asked "When?" and he said "Ask my mom." All she'd say is "Not now."
I realized that Nikk's brother and aunt and uncle would be coming over on Friday and spending the night, and that there'd be a ton of people at the picnic, and I didn't want to have to hide my prenatals, and avoid mentioning anything, and trying to cover for any indication I was pregnant, like if I got sick, again. Jess and Tim live in Florida, and they only get up every couple years. I figured it would be better to tell her in person, and the more privately, the better.
So, Jess helped me give Vlad a bath, and afterwards, I came in the living room, and Jess was talking to her mom and crying, and I got the feeling as to what it was about. Then Nikk came in, and asked what was wrong, and I said I kind of knew, but that Jess should probably explain. So, she said how hard it is for her to see babies when it seems like she won't have one of her own.
I started talking about how I understood, and we told her how it'd taken us over 2 years to get pregnant with Vlad, and that I'd had doctors tell me I'd probably never be able to get pregnant. Nikk told her that Vlad is proof doctors can be WRONG. We told her about friends who had struggled with infertility for years, who finaly got pregnant a few hours after telling me they'd decided to quit TTC. My MIL told about how it'd taken her over a year to get pregnant with Jess and then got pregnant with Tom just 6 weeks after Jess was born.
Nikk Looked at me and said "Should I?" and I said "Up to you, but this seems like a good time." and he turned to Jess and said "You're going to be an Aunt again." Jess burst into tears and ran upstairs.
My MIL started bitching us out, saying we should have listened to her about when to tell Jess. She would not say when she thought we should tell Jess, other than "not now". We brought up our reasons for the timing- "we felt like we were being dishonest to be talking about related topics and not admitting it" "we wanted to tell her in person" "we knew it was going to be hard for her, and it'd be better in private than at the picnic with everyone there". My FIL joined in, about how we were insensitive to "rub her nose in it" and that we should have listened to my MIL because "she knows Jess best."
I kept asking "When were we supposed to tell her?" They wouldn't say. "Where we supposed to go all weekend without telling anyone?" we asked. They said "You hardly know alot of those people, why do you need to tell them something like that?" Nikk looked at me and said "We're going home now." I said "OK".
So, I started packing, and his mom got all upset about us ruining her perfect weekend. Nikk went upstairs and talked to his sister, during which conversation they worked things out, and it came out that she thinks we shouldn't be having a second child because we don't make enough money, which a good deal of that is because I'm staying home with Vlad. Which, they've got more money and own a house, and work at Disney, so I'm sure their kid will have every piece of crap Disney spews out. I just don't think kids need a ton of toys and brand name clothes, and I think there's way more to being a good parent than how much money you have. It's not like we're having 6 kids. We want 2, we're having 2.
Plus, Jess is 26, she has plenty of time, and I'm 32, and in 3 years, I'll be 35.
I talked to Tim for a bit, and things got smoothed out between us and Jess and Tim.
But the rest of the weekend, my MIL and FIL hardly acknowledged my presence, except to critisize my parenting, usually loudy with me in the next room. No one said anything to me about the baby the rest of the weekend. No concern when I had morning sickness. No asking us about names or dates or plans. Nothing. No concern about me carrying a toddler.
When they were going to order KFC, I told my MIL 3 or 4 times about how Vlad needed boneless chicken and so did I because I had been having some food aversions involving chicken. After the first and 2nd time, she said "Vlad needs boneless chicken." Then I mentioned it to Tim, and he said he didn't like bones either, and I told her the whole thing again, and after that it changed to "Vlad and Tim need chicken tenders."
When his mom and his aunt were discussing a planned visit to the Amana Colonies, and I said "That's right by us." instead of saying "We could meet you guys for lunch there." they ignored me. When I said I needed to get into the back room to get the air mattress, my FIL and Nikk's aunt contined to block both paths. I waited, then said "Excuse me please" and his aunt moved a couple inches, which I squeezed through (good thing I haven't gained any weight.)
It was like I was a pariah because I had dared to get pregnant before Jess, and no one wanted anything to do with me. We had planned to stay tonight, but because of the hellishness of the visit, we came directly home from the picnic.
On the way home, I thought about how babies aren't a limited thing people compete for. In fact, it seems like when one person gets pregnant, half the women she knows get pregnant, like it's contagious.
Also, when I found out my niece got pregnant when I'd been TTC for 2 years, I didn't cry or throw a fit. I started designing a quilt, and poured my babylust into working on my grandniece's quilt. Then when I got to hold Isabella, I said "I want a baby" and a few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with Vlad.
The only people I got upset about being pregnant when I was TTC were strangers, or bad/neglectful parents. I got very upset about teenagers who killed their babies, shaken-baby syndrome, drug-addicted mothers whose babies suffered from it, and people who didn't give a shit about the kids they had but kept popping them out, apparently because they didn't want to bother with birth control.
The treatment I got this weekend makes me feel like they put me in that catagory, and stamped "UNWANTED" on my sweet little baby's forehead. If their attitude doesn't change, we'll have to cut off all contact with his family.
So, we've been trying to figure out a way to tell her as gently as possible.
The picnic was today (Saturday). We got to my MIL's house on Thursday afternoon. I was wondering when we'd tell her, and at dinner, I asked Nikk, and he said "Not yet." Then later, I asked "When?" and he said "Ask my mom." All she'd say is "Not now."
I realized that Nikk's brother and aunt and uncle would be coming over on Friday and spending the night, and that there'd be a ton of people at the picnic, and I didn't want to have to hide my prenatals, and avoid mentioning anything, and trying to cover for any indication I was pregnant, like if I got sick, again. Jess and Tim live in Florida, and they only get up every couple years. I figured it would be better to tell her in person, and the more privately, the better.
So, Jess helped me give Vlad a bath, and afterwards, I came in the living room, and Jess was talking to her mom and crying, and I got the feeling as to what it was about. Then Nikk came in, and asked what was wrong, and I said I kind of knew, but that Jess should probably explain. So, she said how hard it is for her to see babies when it seems like she won't have one of her own.
I started talking about how I understood, and we told her how it'd taken us over 2 years to get pregnant with Vlad, and that I'd had doctors tell me I'd probably never be able to get pregnant. Nikk told her that Vlad is proof doctors can be WRONG. We told her about friends who had struggled with infertility for years, who finaly got pregnant a few hours after telling me they'd decided to quit TTC. My MIL told about how it'd taken her over a year to get pregnant with Jess and then got pregnant with Tom just 6 weeks after Jess was born.
Nikk Looked at me and said "Should I?" and I said "Up to you, but this seems like a good time." and he turned to Jess and said "You're going to be an Aunt again." Jess burst into tears and ran upstairs.
My MIL started bitching us out, saying we should have listened to her about when to tell Jess. She would not say when she thought we should tell Jess, other than "not now". We brought up our reasons for the timing- "we felt like we were being dishonest to be talking about related topics and not admitting it" "we wanted to tell her in person" "we knew it was going to be hard for her, and it'd be better in private than at the picnic with everyone there". My FIL joined in, about how we were insensitive to "rub her nose in it" and that we should have listened to my MIL because "she knows Jess best."
I kept asking "When were we supposed to tell her?" They wouldn't say. "Where we supposed to go all weekend without telling anyone?" we asked. They said "You hardly know alot of those people, why do you need to tell them something like that?" Nikk looked at me and said "We're going home now." I said "OK".
So, I started packing, and his mom got all upset about us ruining her perfect weekend. Nikk went upstairs and talked to his sister, during which conversation they worked things out, and it came out that she thinks we shouldn't be having a second child because we don't make enough money, which a good deal of that is because I'm staying home with Vlad. Which, they've got more money and own a house, and work at Disney, so I'm sure their kid will have every piece of crap Disney spews out. I just don't think kids need a ton of toys and brand name clothes, and I think there's way more to being a good parent than how much money you have. It's not like we're having 6 kids. We want 2, we're having 2.
Plus, Jess is 26, she has plenty of time, and I'm 32, and in 3 years, I'll be 35.
I talked to Tim for a bit, and things got smoothed out between us and Jess and Tim.
But the rest of the weekend, my MIL and FIL hardly acknowledged my presence, except to critisize my parenting, usually loudy with me in the next room. No one said anything to me about the baby the rest of the weekend. No concern when I had morning sickness. No asking us about names or dates or plans. Nothing. No concern about me carrying a toddler.
When they were going to order KFC, I told my MIL 3 or 4 times about how Vlad needed boneless chicken and so did I because I had been having some food aversions involving chicken. After the first and 2nd time, she said "Vlad needs boneless chicken." Then I mentioned it to Tim, and he said he didn't like bones either, and I told her the whole thing again, and after that it changed to "Vlad and Tim need chicken tenders."
When his mom and his aunt were discussing a planned visit to the Amana Colonies, and I said "That's right by us." instead of saying "We could meet you guys for lunch there." they ignored me. When I said I needed to get into the back room to get the air mattress, my FIL and Nikk's aunt contined to block both paths. I waited, then said "Excuse me please" and his aunt moved a couple inches, which I squeezed through (good thing I haven't gained any weight.)
It was like I was a pariah because I had dared to get pregnant before Jess, and no one wanted anything to do with me. We had planned to stay tonight, but because of the hellishness of the visit, we came directly home from the picnic.
On the way home, I thought about how babies aren't a limited thing people compete for. In fact, it seems like when one person gets pregnant, half the women she knows get pregnant, like it's contagious.
Also, when I found out my niece got pregnant when I'd been TTC for 2 years, I didn't cry or throw a fit. I started designing a quilt, and poured my babylust into working on my grandniece's quilt. Then when I got to hold Isabella, I said "I want a baby" and a few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant with Vlad.
The only people I got upset about being pregnant when I was TTC were strangers, or bad/neglectful parents. I got very upset about teenagers who killed their babies, shaken-baby syndrome, drug-addicted mothers whose babies suffered from it, and people who didn't give a shit about the kids they had but kept popping them out, apparently because they didn't want to bother with birth control.
The treatment I got this weekend makes me feel like they put me in that catagory, and stamped "UNWANTED" on my sweet little baby's forehead. If their attitude doesn't change, we'll have to cut off all contact with his family.