Nate asked me if I'd looked around at all for a new apartment yet, not that he was trying to rush me out, just if I saw someplace nice that was close to work that I could get a good deal on
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My reaction to this is disappointment that you've so internalized the idea that your life has no meaning if you have no one to care for. I know that your feelings of hopelessness and anger are normal, but the self-hatred really bugs me, because it seems like something you picked up in the marriage. I don't personally see your situation as black/white although I acknowledge that I've never experienced anything remotely like it. I hope you can reach a point where you find a new target - maybe moving closer to family, maybe moving to the beach, maybe pursuing a business idea (costumes for cons?), that is just for your own enjoyment and not reliant on anyone else's opinion.
I don't see it as self-hatred, I think I'm a good person and deserve to have some happiness in life, I just don't see how that could happen. At this point, I can set goals for myself related to art, I've been thinking about learning to do tattoos, but even if I made major accomplishments with that, it'd just seem pretty empty if I didn't have people to share it with. It's not that I don't think anyone cares about me, or that no one would want to be in a relationship with me either, it's that I've built so many emotional defenses to protect myself that I don't know how to let my guard down and let myself care about someone and thus be vulnerable to getting hurt again.
As far as my own enjoyment...I was pretty hedonistic in the 90's, I did whatever I felt like doing, and after awhile, it just got boring, I needed something more meaningful. So, I'm looking back and trying to remember things that made me happy back before I got married and had kids, and it usually involved some kind of chemical enhancement.
OK, but here's the thing: You're planning to essentially live in a monk's cell and studiously avoid allowing yourself to feel at home. It still sounds like you're punishing yourself, to me. I definitely agree that one cheap apartment is much like another, but you can still find something that you don't hate. Were there physical things about the last place you had that you hated, beyond the fact that the courts were forcing you to live there and it infuriated you to be there? If you can figure out what made the place so cold to you, maybe you can avoid that kind of thing in the next place
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I know you will probably just say "yeah yeah yeah" to this...but I really feel that you need to get some counseling to help you through this. You probably should have been getting it all along, truth be told. You have just experienced one version of every mother's worst nightmare. It's been a horrible loss for you, and you are going to need help getting through it. Let yourself grieve--it's natural. But don't forget to let yourself live too. Somewhere down the road, your life is waiting for you.
I was getting counseling for awhile, it was a hoop for me to jump through and cost money but didn't seem to do anything helpful. I have people who will listen to me for free, I don't see the point of paying someone. If counseling had done me much good before, I'd see the point now, but it just seems like a waste of time and money as applied to this situation.
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Hey, you asked for reactions. :)
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