Into the Nothing, Uncomfortably Numb - (1/1) R, SPN, Sick!Dean
Title: On into the Nothing, Uncomfortably Numb
Warnings: Not the nicest portrayal of S4 Ruby and disapproving!Bobby
Rating: R (for potty mouths)
Disclaimer: None of the following belongs to me, I am just playing in Kripke and WB/CW's sandbox for fun not profit.
Summary: The pain and self-loathing festering deep in Dean’s soul has it physical consequences and it’s up to Sam to pull his brother back from the edge and cool the raging fever burning through his soul. Is he up to the challenge? S4 Boy Angst, Delirious!Dean and Guilt Ridden, but Protective!Sam
Author Note: This fic was written for hollow_death’s birthday, which was actually in January, but hey, better late than never right? Anyway, I hope you like this Honey and I’m sooooooo sorry it took me so damn long. I have about 4 other fics that I started for this and hated, so I hope that this one does the trick and isn’t too angsty or deviating from your prompt too much! Depressed!Dean just wouldn’t let the muse go, clingy bugger! ;P
A soft hiss escaped him as the rough edge of the towel caught the raised wound on his back.
He supposed he should get Sam to take a look at it given it was well over a week now and should have been on the mend.
It’s not that it hurt really, not much of anything hurt for long anymore.
All that was left was just the fleeting spike that barely registered to let him know something had gotten past his defences again before the all consuming veil of numbness took over once more.
Not that he minded; the numbness was definitely preferred to the sharp, piercing, scraped raw pain of his dreams.
Not that he had that many anymore, he took care of that little problem with the comforting haze of alcohol. It took the raw edge off and let him have a few hours of truly dreamless sleep a couple of nights a week.
Sleep was over rated anyway. This way he could spend that extra awake time figuring out a way to put an end to this craptastic merry-go-round of fate he and Sam seemed to be doomed to ride into the apocalypse.
Whatever works, right?
No, Dean wouldn’t get Sam to check it, it would heal up eventually. Time heals all wounds, isn’t that the hallmark version.
Yeah, like that shit ever applied to them and their screwed up lives.
Anyway, he’d need to know where the hell Sam was before he could get him to do anything about it. Seemed like every time he closed his eyes lately Sam was slippin’ off somewhere, only to creep back in before day break looking all innocent and remarkably refreshed.
Dean let him think that he was oblivious to what was going on. It was easier that way, didn’t lead to those hard questions like,’ what the hell were you doing all night without me?’
Yeah, it was best that Dean didn’t ask those sticky questions that would lead to him questioning whether Sam really did want him back after all. Especially now he had the Demon Bitch to watch his back.
What the hell use was a broken down big brother that couldn’t even keep his own shit together enough to back him up properly?
Nah, Sammy didn’t need a reminder that his big brother couldn’t even take care of himself anymore.
That he didn’t come back the same as he left.
No, he’d be fine, and ignore it ‘tll it went away, just like he always did.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
It was another 3 days before he realised this thing was really biting him in the ass.
The pulsing flares of radiant heat that spread out across his back from that stupid little nick, causing the sweat to slick across his body, making him fumble his weapons and misstep on tiny pebbles as it trickled into his eyes.
He cursed again as his vision tilted to the left and spun lazily a few times, sending him staggering into the trees lining the rough hewn path they were following.
The disappointed stare directed his way from further up the path stung more than the sharp spines of the branches scratching at his face and arms.
Feeling the spike of twisting self-loathing stirring deep in his gut he fished the blessed little piece of comfort from his jacket pocket and took a fortifying slug before pushing himself back to his full height and did his best to walk a straight line through the wavering haze that had taken over his vision.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
Sam could have kicked himself when he finally realised that something was seriously wrong with Dean.
The dripping sweat in the frigid January air should have been enough of a clue that maybe Dean wasn’t a hundred percent, but no, Sam was too caught up in his own shit to notice and it wasn’t until Dean started to call him Dad that he finally got a clue.
It wasn’t until he finally turned to face him and really looked at him that he noticed the damp sweat patches marking the folds of his over shirt. The fact that he was only wear an over shirt and no goddamn jacket even though it was still cold enough to fog the air with each heaving breath, was the other blatant clue that he’d somehow completely missed noticing when they left Bobby’s 3 hours ago at the ass crack of dawn.
Walking slowly back to his wavering brother, worried that in his disorientated state any sudden moves would spook him into fight of flight, Sam edged his way into his space and gentle stretched his hand out to rest on his sweat soaked shoulder.
“Dean, hey, it’s Sam man. You ok?”
Dean’s bloodshot and glassy gaze pierced his heart as sure a razor sharp dagger would.
“Dad, ‘at ‘ou? ‘ere’s Sssammmee?”
Sam’s hand gripped his shoulder tight as he staggered to his left as he blink up at him, his lids slow and obviously difficult to keep fully open.
“Ahh, Dean.” Sam swallowed hard to stave off the prickle of tears that threatened the back of his eyes and clogged his throat.
Dean’s face instantly morphed into a panicked little boy, “I’m ‘orry ‘ad, I ‘idn’t meeean ta ‘osssse him. I’ll ‘ind ‘im, prommmis’.”
Dean started to push himself away from him and cast his eyes about the surrounding trail seemingly looking for his lost brother in the foliage.
“Hey, no, Dean, it’s me, it’s Sam, I’m right here man. Right here.” Sam gripped onto his weaving shoulder once more, pulling him back to face him.
“NO! GET OFF ME!”
Dean’s sudden scream into his face shocked him into dropping his grip on his shoulder.
Sam could only stare as his previously fever incapacitated brother spun on his heel and ran off back down the path they had just followed, screaming at fever induced enemies as he ran.
“HELP, HELP, Ah…, No…, NO, SOMEBODY HELP ME, SAM…, SAAAAAAAAAMM!”
Dean’s panicked and raw throated screams echoed back at him, the rasping pants betraying the seemly miraculous burst of energy his sprint away from him had displayed.
Scrambling to catch up with him before he could injure himself further Sam pounded up the path in pursuit of his brother’s fleeing figure.
“DEAN, STOP! Please, stop.” Sam’s voice hitched as he struggled to hold back the tears that were blurring his vision as he ran as fast as he could in pursuit.
“NO, oh god…, NO, PLEASE!”
Dean’s desperate pleas drew a tight band of pain across his heaving chest as he push harder to try reach him.
“NO, STOP, STOP IT, NNNOOOOOOOOOO, SAAAAAAAAMMM!”
Sam’s vocie was hoarse from his unshed tears as he stretched to clasp at his brother’s flapping jacket which was now inches from his grasp, “Dean, please, just STOP!”
“Oh god…, PLEASE SAM, HELP MEEEEEE!” Dean’s piercing scream as he finally grabbed hold of the flapping jacket had him jerking to a halt and pull his brother’s delirious form tight into his chest.
Sam couldn’t hold back the tears that slipped down his face as Dean’s overheated limb flailed and writhed in his tight grip. A quite sob tore at his chest as he realised that Dean was reliving hell and just like then, there was no way he could save him from his torment.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
They were almost back to the car before Dean’s failing body finally gave up on him as he flopped, suddenly limp, into the hard packed dirt of the trail floor.
“DEAN, Shit, Dean, hey, you with me man?” Sam voice was hollow with grief as he gently turned his brother over so that he could see his pale white and sweat drenched face.
“Oh god, hey, come on, please?” Sam patted at the slack and disturbingly still face of his brother, only to recoil at the blazing heat coming off him in waves as his hand touched his clammy cheek.
“Oh no, no, no, no, come on Dean, you can’t check out on me now man, not after everything with been through.”
It was only the stuttering and wheezing breaths whistling from his brother’s obviously straining lungs that gave him any reassurance that he was still with him.
“Come on Dean, stay with me. I’ve gotcha, just hold on a bit longer.” Sam’s jaw muscle twitched as he clawed his hands into the soaked shirts and hauled him bodily up over his shoulder, staggering slightly as he adjusted to the dead weight.
The low whining moan from over his shoulder had him straightening quickly and trekking as fast as he could towards the waiting car.
The burning heat radiating from his brother’s limp form scorched like a brand across his aching shoulder as the weakly flailing limbs bumped a morbid tattoo on his back and stomach. The acid burning panic that bubbled up inside him and threatened to choke him had him pushing out his strides to the point of pain in his attempt to get his brother to safety.
What the hell kind of brother was he? He was so bound up in his need for revenge and attempt to find a way to end this spectacular mess that was still slowly destroying his brother’s soul even though he was topside again, that he had failed to notice that his brother’s body was finally starting to fail him too.
He knew that since coming back his brother was so thoroughly broken that there was no way that he was going to be able to weather the apocalyptic storm coming their way. He knew that he needed to be the one to step up to the plate and shoulder the burden, but he had failed to notice that his brother was crumbling before his eyes while he slowly eroded his own soul to come up with a way to put an end to it all before it killed them both, let alone the rest of the world.
Now here was his brother, delirious and hurting out in the middle of nowhere, while he was completely oblivious to it all unfolding right in front of him.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
By time they made it to the car, the shivers wracking Dean’s body were threatening to shake him lose from across his shoulders.
It was with a heavy sigh that he gently lay his brother across the back seat when they finally reached the Impala. A sharp spike of concern throbbed through his gut as Dean moaned softly and arched his back away from the stiff barely yielding leather upholstery.
Stoking softy at the sweaty strands of hair plastered to his brother’s forehead, Sam attempted to soothe him as he started to thrash and push at the rise of the back seat, “Shhh, hey, I’ve got you. Rest Dean, just rest, please?”
Wiping gently at the sliding rivets of sweat cover his flushed and burning cheeks, Sam leaned in over his prone brother, “I’m here now, just rest and let me take care of it. It’s ok, rest.”
Slowly as the whispered words seemed to penetrate the delirium, Dean’s thrashing limbs settle into slight twitching spasms until the only measure of movement was the rasping gasps for air as his overtaxed lungs strained to draw in each new breath.
Pinching the bridge of his nose as he clench his eyes shut in an attempt to stave off the threatening tears, Sam sat back on his hunches by his brothers curled and trembling legs as he tried to will a measure of control into his own trembling limbs.
It was the knowledge that any further delay in returning to Bobby was only prolonging his brother’s pain that finally spurred him into pushing himself out of the car and round to the front seat.
Throwing himself into the seat he gunned the engine as soon as she turned and with a dust raising wheel spin he sped off to help and no doubt reproach.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
A flying spray of gravel peppered the peeling weather board exterior of the house as he stepped on the brake to bring the hulking mass of car to a skidding stop outside Bobby’s.
The resulting thud as his brother’s body slammed into the back of his seat rest had him cussing and slamming his way back to crumpled form of his brother in the cramped space of the foot well.
“Oh crap, I’m so sorry Dean. Shit...BOBBYYYY, HELP ME, please!” the panicked plea finished with a sob as he struggled to pull the limp form into his arms.
By time he had him almost to standing, Bobby’s solid figure was beside him lending his strength to the task of keep his limp and unresponsive brother upright.
“What the hell happened boy?” Bobby’s piercing; almost accusing gaze had him squaring up, ready to defend himself.
“He didn’t tell me Bobby, we were half way into the friggin’ forest and he just freaked the heel out. If I had of...” Sam forced himself to readjust his grip on his brother’s shirts as he felt his knuckles creak as the flare of anger at Bobby’s slight had him clenching his fists.
Bobby rolled his eyes at him and sighed, “Oh, don’t get your panties in a bunch; I know he keeps you on a need to know basis when it comes to his health. I was just kind of curious about what had happened so that maybe I could do something to help, ya idjit!”
Sam clenched his jaw and pulled his brother to his chest as the burn of his brother’s blatant distrust thickened the rising lump in his throat.
“Yeah, guess I’m not trust worthy enough for that info.” Sam muttered as he dropped his eyes from Bobby’s knowing gaze.
“Give him time son. I don’t think he really feels he can trust anyone one of us anymore. In a way we all failed him.” Bobby’s voice faltered slightly before he bent to move his shoulder under Dean’s still unresponsive form, “Jesus, he’s burning up. Come on kid, let’s get him inside and figure out what the hell is going on before his brain cooks in its own juices.”
Together they staggered up the front steps through the house to the back bedroom and gently deposited their precious cargo on the bedcovers which were still slightly mused from their rapid departure earlier in the day.
“Right, get him stripped to briefs while I go and get some supplies.” Bobby’s voice faded as he hurried off in search of his promised supplies.
Sam turned to face his pallid and supine brother, “why can’t you trust me to watch your back? I’d do anything for you...hell, I’d die for you, but you won’t let me in...you won’t share what’s eating you up from the inside. I just...I just want to...to help you…to be the one to take the burden for a while. Why won’t you let me?”
Sam slumped onto the edge of the bed beside him as he reached over to remove his dirt smeared boots.
“Dad? ‘at ‘ou?” Dean’s slurred and breathy voice had him jumping slightly in fright.
“Dean? Hey man, it’s me, it’s Sam, you with me?” Sam leaned over and brushed at the sweat soaked clumps of hair raised across his scalp.
“Daaad, I’m sory. I ‘idn’t mean ta let you down, please.”
Sam flinched back his hand as if burned as Dean continued to mumble in his delirium, obviously oblivious to his surroundings.
“’m ‘orry dad, I ‘ried. ‘e won’t lis’en to me, He ‘hinks he ‘an fight it.”
Sam clenched his jaw as he moved back in and removed his brother’s boots and socks.
“I know, I know he can’t, I’ve ‘ried to ‘ell him, he jus’ won’t lis’en to me.”
Sam paused at his task of removing the sweat soaked jeans as the fever induced words sunk in, the sting of the words causing him to dig the pads of his fingers into his suddenly blurry
and stinging eyes.
“’lease Dad, I’m sory, I’ll try ‘arder I prommis’.”
Sam swallowed hard at the tight clenching band stealing the breath from his throat.
“’m ‘orry. NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NO STOP, OH GOD, NO DAD PLEASE, SAAM, HELP ME, SOMEBODY
HELP MEEEEE. SAAAAAAMMM.”
Sam jumped up and straddled his brother’s flailing form as his shrill screams rose in pitch and lost their coherency. He flattened himself over Dean’s over heated skin until he was literally blanketing him with his body as Dean thrashed and screamed his throat raw beneath him.
“Bloody hell, what the hell happened.” Bobby’s panic stricken face suddenly appearing in front of him as he skidded into the room.
Sam just held his gaze for a painstaking moment before bowing his head to the hollow of Dean’s shoulder, bracing it against his neck to slow the rapid thrashing of his brother’s head. It was nearly Sam’s undoing when he felt Bobby’s trembling hand rest on his straining shoulder, just has Dean let out a keening moan, that sounded for all the world like a wounded animal crying out it’s distress.
The emotion raw and scraping in his voice, Bobby palmed Dean’s pallid cheek, “Jesus. What did they do to you boy?”
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
Once they had both gotten their emotions back under control and Dean’s thrashing and keening had faded to mostly small whimpering twitches of his restless limbs, Sam and Bobby silently went about stripping him down to his boxer and inspecting his body for the source of the sudden collapse and delirium.
It wasn’t long before they stumbled across the putrid mess the gash on Dean’s back had become. The jagged edges of the inflamed and seeping wound were a deep red, teetering on the edge of purple. The foul smell and watery yellow fluid that oozed from the wound as Bobby pressed on the swollen and tight skin that extended a good two to three inches from the edges of the wound had both men swallowing heavily to hold back nausea it induced.
“Jesus, Sam. This might be too fair gone for us to treat here.” Bobby’s voiced wavered slightly as Dean moaned softly through his unconsciousness as he pressed further on the now oozing wound.
“This is really serious. I’ve got some fairly heavy duty board spectrum antibiotics, but this …” Bobby wiped his palm down his drawn and pinched face, “Shit Sam, he could end up septic. I think we need to make the call and get his ass to an ER and let the professionals handle this one.”
Sam’s gazed flicked between the bloody seeping gore trailing away across his prone brother’s back and the near panic flashing in his old friend’s eyes.
“No…” Sam muttered as he bit heavily on his already raw and peeling bottom lip as he shook his head at his trusted friend, “No, we do what we can for him here and see how he goes. If it gets any worse, then we’ll take him in…but not now…we…I have to try…”
Bobby visibly swallowed as he nodded his assent, “Ok, you got it…but Sam…you gotta know that he’s gonna go through hel…”
Sam’s gaze hardened to ebony flints, “Don’t you think I know that Bobby. Jesus, he relives hell every single damn day because of me. If I could spare him this, don’t you think I would?”
Bobby dropped his gaze to the scuffed and worn floor as he nodded, “I know you would kid, I just wanted to know you knew what you and he were in for, that’s all. Noones going to moving him unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
Sam squared his shoulders and reached out to squeeze his friend’s slumped shoulders, “We’ll get him through this Bobby, I know we will, we have too.”
Bobby’s pained and hollow gaze held his for an extended time until he readjusted his ever present cap and grunted his agreement, “sure kid, you know we will. You got him while I hunt down a few supplies?”
“Yeah, I got him.” Sam sighed as he slumped onto the edge of the bed his feverish brother was laying across.
Stretching his own trembling hand out, he stroked through the sweaty strands clinging to his brother’s scalp. His throat clamped shut as pained whimpers accompanied each breathy exhale. The slight trembling soon became full body shudders and the whimpers turned into breathy moans as the muscles in his back spasmed and pulled at the oozing wound. Sam pushed off the bed and knelt down beside it to leaned in close to Dean’s ear, “Shh, it’s ok, I got you man. I know it hurts, but Bobby and me we’re gonna fix you right up. Soon you’ll be begging me to raid Bobby porn stash for you…which I totally won’t do, that’s just wrong on so many levels. Then you’ll be bitchin’ and moanin’ at me about how much it sucks to be stuck in bed and how you’re gonna kick my ass for mother henning you.”
Sam gently stroked the sweat away from Dean’s pain lined face as he cried out with the clenching of the muscles across his back and shoulders.
“Hurts…stop…” Dean groaned as he shifted in his sleep.
“I know man, just hang in there. Bobby’s hunting down the good stuff now. We’ll get you all cleaned up and pile you full of antibiotics and you’ll be up and chasin…”
Sam stopped as he felt the shudder running through Dean’s frame suddenly increase to alarming levels and had to duck back quickly as Dean’s left arm suddenly stiffened and his body began to seize.
“BOBBY! Fuck, he’s seizing.” Sam scrambled over his seizing form and slid in behind him, cradling his head in his hands and lap, and used his legs to gently brace him away from the wall.
The skidding slide of worn boots over roughened floors heralded Bobby’s return, “what the hell? Shit, I’ll get the ice packs.”
As Bobby scrambled back out the door in search of ice packs, Sam began to silently count the seconds as his mind went back to his Dad’s old First Aid lesson.
”Four minutes Sam, anything over that and you call a unit, past that and your heading into brain damage territory.”
“Fuck!”
At least twenty seconds already…
“Come on Dean, you’re ok, come back to me.” Sam stroked at the flailing left arm currently hitting into his leg without a hint of letting up. He used each full stroke down and up as a measure of the passage of the crucial seconds.
Thirty…
Down and up, down and up, down and up… The pattern would have been almost soothing if it was for the reason behind it.
Sixty second…that’s a whole minute.
“Come on Man, you gotta snap out of it. We’ll get you feeling better soon, you just got hang in there for us.”
Down and up, down and up, down and up… His heart beat was competing with Dean’s laboured breathing as the loudest sound in the room. Sam was pretty sure his heart beat was winning.
Ninety second…shit, a minute and a half. Where the hell is Bobby with those ice packs?
Down and up, down and up, down and up… Now his own panicked breaths were taking over the race for dominance of the room acoustics.
Hundred and twenty seconds…fuck, that’s two minutes already. Come on Bobby, what the hell are…
“Here, put these on his pulse points, quick.” Bobby panted as he stumbled back into the room with arms full of tea towel wrapped ice packs.
Quickly grabbing the offered packs Sam help him carefully arranged the icepack at each pulse point. They had to work hard to keep the lifesaving bundles in place as Dean’s thrashing form worked against them.
Down and up, down and up, down and up… Bobby’s soild presence helped to seemly slow the rapid passage of time as slowly Dean’s frantic thrashing start to slow before finally stilling.
Hundred and eighty seconds…bloody hell Dean, that’s three minutes you were hot wiring your brain. Why to give me a freakin’ heart attack.
Sam sighed as he gently repositioned a loosen icepack and raised his gaze to Bobby’s strained and weary face as his old friend slumped down on the foot the bed, his obviously trembling hand clamping down on his brothers calf.
“I’m getting too damn old for this shit. Kid, when you wake up from this, I’m gonna kick your ass six way to Sunday,…if you don’t give me a damn heart attack in the meantime.”
Sam felt his lips twitch into a grin at the affection overlaying the gruff threat.
“You better get in line then.” Sam smirked at him as he pushed back the sweat sliding down the visable side of his prone brother’s face.
“How ‘bout we get the idjit back on his feet before we agree on his just desserts for this one hey?” Bobby said as he rose from his seat on the bed.
“I’ll get some wash cloths and water so we can wipe him down and see if we can get his temp down below rapid boil.”
Sam sighed and nodded before gently extracting himself from around his brother, being careful not to dislodge any of the ice packs. He pulled the lone chair of the room over to the head of the bed and he slumped into it to lean forward on his elbows and push his trembling hands up into his hair to brace the back of his head as bowed his head.
What the hell was he supposed to do?
How was he supposed to help him if he wouldn’t let him in?
It killed him a little more each day to know that his brother was going through this because of what he had done to save him. The only thing that kept him going was the burning need to extract revenge on the bitch that had done this to him. He was going to make her understand that killing his brother was the biggest mistake of her damned and demonic life. Even if it killed him, he was going to make the bitch pay for the broken shell of brother that had been returned to him. Some how he would get through to him and make him understand that now matter what happen to him or what he did, he was still his big brother and he loved him.
Nothing could or would ever change that.
Bobby’s scruffing footsteps on the wooden floor had him coming back to himself and stretching up to except the basin of water and soaking cloths.
“You get started on cooling him the rest of the way down while a start cleaning out that festering mess on his back.”
Sam caught his old friend’s tired gaze, “thanks Bobby…”
“No need to thanks me boy, Iike I’ve told you and your thick head brother before, family don’t end with blood.”
Sam swallowed heavily at his suddenly constricted throat, “yeah, I know…just…thanks for being here.”
Bobby nodded and cleared his throat, “ well enough of that touchy feelin’ waffle, let’s get this done so we can both stop worryin’ ourselves into an early grave over this idjit brother of yours.”
Working in silent tandem, Bobby cleansed and dressed the wound while Sam wipe his brother’s over heated body with tepid water.
With painstaking care Bobby managed to remove the tiny sliver of broken claw that had obviously caused the raging infection in the first place while Sam soothed his whimpering brother will the smooth gentle strokes of the cloth.
The only sound in the room was the harsh scrape of heavy boots on worn wooden boards and the ragged gasping breaths from Dean’s trembling frame. Finally removing the icepacks as the baking heat dissipated from his brother’s fevered limbs, Sam distracted himself from the constantly rising panic by creating a hypnotically soothing pattern with the wash cloth.
Dunk…,
Wring…,
Stroke…,
Glide…,
Dunk…,
Wring…,
Stoke…,
Glide…, repeat, until the bubbling panic ebbed to a tiny flutter that stirred with each gasping murmur that escaped his brother’s parched and cracked lips. Until finally he settled into a seemly restful sleep and the tremor left his limbs.
That is until the next spike of his fever.
It was 2 more days of sponge baths, sooping sweat soaked sheets and screaming fits of delirium. There were no more seizures after that night, but it was the 2 full days and nights of exhausting fever cycles before Dean started to turn the corner and the raging fever finally broke for good and the periods of delirium ceased. It was another 2 days before the enflames edges of the wound finally started to turn a healthy pink instead of the vibrant red, nearly purple of the past days infected flesh. It was only then that Sam was able to relax enough from his silent vigil over his ailing brother to give into his own exhaustion and he slumped over his brother’s legs in a sleep to mimic the dead.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
Sam twitched in his hunched over position as his cell buzzed a message in his pocket, disrupting the heavy calm that was cloaking the room and its slumbering occupants.
Cursing quietly he pulled it from his jeans and glanced quick at his sleeping brothers sweat drenched but finally peaceful face and breathed a sharp sigh of relief when he saw that his sleep was undisturbed.
Pushing himself up slowly from the low slung chair, his joints popped from the hours of inactivity his solitary vigil over his brothers’ fever ravaged body had induced.
Glancing guiltily at the still form of his brother once more he slid silently from the room and out the back door to answer Ruby’s message.
Ruby’s affectionate grin as he materialised at her side in the rear of the junk yard had his stomach twisting in agonising guilt at the throbbing need it stirred deep in his veins.
“What?”
Sam’s hissing snarl was greeted with raised brows and a cant of her hips.
“Well, hello to you too Sam, jeeze, so sorry for disturbing you with a possible location on Lilith.”
The dripping sarcasm of the demon’s tone had the fine hairs of his nape rising along with his anger.
“Ruby, Dean’s sick, this really isn’t a good time, can’t you check it out first.” Sam softened his gaze as he remembered how much she had helped him, had helped them both these past months. His brother probably wouldn’t be alive at all if she hadn’t saved their asses more times than he could count.
Ruby’s exasperated sigh had him stepping into her space to grip her shoulders.
“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just that, Dean he, well..”
Ruby’s eyes softened as she looked up at him with compassion, “I know Sam, he’s not as strong as he used to be and he needs you more than ever, but we need to get Lilith and to be honest I really don’t think Dean is ever gonna be strong enough to take her on.”
Her hand stroking the side of his face sent a cold shiver down his spine, but her words somehow made sense and as much as he hated to think it, she was right. Dean wasn’t strong enough to do this right now; it was up to him to protect him. Her hand moving to lightly squeeze at his shoulder brought him back to focus on her words.
“Maybe now is exactly the right time to do this. Bobby will take care of him, right? While you come with me and we take care of this for good. Come on Sam, you know this is what you need to do, not just to prevent the apocalypse from starting but for Dean. He deserves to have that Bitch pay for what she did him, doesn’t she?” Her steely gaze met his just before he turned to glance over at the window currently cloaking his brother’s overburdened body.
“Yeah, yeah, ok, you’re right...umm...just...just give a few to talk to Bobby and make sure Dean’s gonna be ok.”
Her beaming smile had the guilt squirming low in his belly, bubbling up to sour his gut and leave a bitter taste in the back of his throat.
“Sure Sam, but don’t be long, I don’t know how long she’s gonna stay put.”
Sam nodded as the muscles in his jaw clenched as another stab of guilt burned in his gut.
Sighing deeply he turned on his heel to face the look of disappointment he was bound get when he laid this out for Bobby. Hesitating slightly in sudden indecision Sam sighed once more and tracked his was back across the darkened and lonely junkyard to face the music.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
“You’re goin’ where? You do realise that you came damn close to losing that brother of yours again these last few days?” Bobby’s piercing glare cut a swath through his chest almost to the bone.
His voice tight and strained from the pain constricting his throat at the implied carelessness, Sam pleaded with him, “I know Bobby, but he’s ok now and Ruby says this is a solid lead on her whereabouts. I can’t just pass up the chance to end this right now. Dean won’t want me to.”
Bobby’s eyes turned to flinting edges of steel piercing into his very soul, “your brother would want the chance to end this with you. This is his fight too Sam. He deserves an opportunity to be there at the end of it.”
“I know, but he’s been so...he’s...he’s just not himself right now Bobby. He needs some time, time that we don’t have. Will you take care of him ‘til I get back?”
Bobby nodded instantly, almost before Sam was finished, “Of course I will, just...just you make sure you’re coming back, you hear. I ain’t gonna be the one to tell him his stupid fool of a brother has gone and got himself killed. I watch that train wreak once, I sure as hell never want to witness to it again, you understand me boy.”
Sam swallowed hard at the sudden lump constricting his throat, “Yeah, I promise.”
“Good, now git, before I change my damn fool mind and chain to the goddamn chair.”
“Thanks Bobby, I really appreciate this.”
“Just go boy.”
Sam hoped that the deep satisfaction that avenging Dean’s forty years of living through hell would bring him would be enough to appease the twisting coils of guilt souring his belly at the act of betrayal his brother would see his actions as. All he could do was hope that one day, Dean would understand. There was always hope.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
It was the cool breeze skirting over his sweat slick skin that finally brought him back to full awareness.
His first conscious thought was the same as it always was, “Sammy?”
The obvious absence of his little brothers hulking presence hit his gut like a heavy weight fighters fist, pushing all the air out of his aching lungs in one sharp wheeze.
“Ah, Dean. He’ll be back boy.”
Bobby’s raw pity laden voice had his defences slamming back in place, his face shutting down to it’s standard blank hooded mask.
“Yeah, sure. I know that.” Dean grimaced as his voice scraped raw and hollow from his throat, “Was just wondering where he was, is all. Got a keep an eye on him, he has a tendency to wander if you don’t.”
The sure and cocky grin that he favoured his oldest and most trusted friend was obviously not fooling him for a second, but it was all he had at the moment and it was a testament to how well his friend knew him that he nodded and pulled at his ever present cap before changing the topic.
“Yeah, so it seems. Do you need a hand to get cleaned up; you had a rough few days.”
The hard piercing stare aimed his way; felt like his soul was laid bare in seconds, “Nah, I’m good, wouldn’t want to disturb your delicate sensitivities by flashing this fine ass your way.”
The guff of laughter broke the tense moment, “Ok, but don’t blame me when your kitten weak ass falls over in the shower and cracks that thick skull of yours.”
Dean grinned his appreciation at his old friend.
“Holler if you need me, I’m gonna go and do something useful like find a way to stop this damn apocalypse from happen before we manage to get our sorry asses killed.”
Dean swallowed as the heavy weight of the burden slipped back over his shoulders like a lead cloak as Bobby slipped from the room.
Stretching his aching body to clasp his discarded jacket he pushed his way into the inner pocket and pulled out his only measure of reliable comfort and took a long pull, relishing the moment of fiery burn on his dry and parched throat.
Soon the sharp edges of the overwhelming weight would be blunted by the clouding numbness of the alcohol haze and he would be able to look himself in the mirror and not flinch away from the accusing stare that pierce at him from every reflection.
No wonder his brother couldn’t stick around for long, he couldn’t stand his own sorry self, how the hell did he expect his brother to want to be anywhere near him when he was so pathetic and weak.
No, better that Sam isn’t here to see him stagger and weave his way over to the door way, the only thing holding him up the wall and his sheer willpower to not fall on his ass and need Bobby to pick his sorry ass up.
No, it was better that he would have time to put the mask back on firmly before he had to face the raw disappointment that oozed from his brother every time he looked at him.
Got to fake it to make it, right?
end
Warnings: Not the nicest portrayal of S4 Ruby and disapproving!Bobby
Rating: R (for potty mouths)
Disclaimer: None of the following belongs to me, I am just playing in Kripke and WB/CW's sandbox for fun not profit.
Summary: The pain and self-loathing festering deep in Dean’s soul has it physical consequences and it’s up to Sam to pull his brother back from the edge and cool the raging fever burning through his soul. Is he up to the challenge? S4 Boy Angst, Delirious!Dean and Guilt Ridden, but Protective!Sam
Author Note: This fic was written for hollow_death’s birthday, which was actually in January, but hey, better late than never right? Anyway, I hope you like this Honey and I’m sooooooo sorry it took me so damn long. I have about 4 other fics that I started for this and hated, so I hope that this one does the trick and isn’t too angsty or deviating from your prompt too much! Depressed!Dean just wouldn’t let the muse go, clingy bugger! ;P
A soft hiss escaped him as the rough edge of the towel caught the raised wound on his back.
He supposed he should get Sam to take a look at it given it was well over a week now and should have been on the mend.
It’s not that it hurt really, not much of anything hurt for long anymore.
All that was left was just the fleeting spike that barely registered to let him know something had gotten past his defences again before the all consuming veil of numbness took over once more.
Not that he minded; the numbness was definitely preferred to the sharp, piercing, scraped raw pain of his dreams.
Not that he had that many anymore, he took care of that little problem with the comforting haze of alcohol. It took the raw edge off and let him have a few hours of truly dreamless sleep a couple of nights a week.
Sleep was over rated anyway. This way he could spend that extra awake time figuring out a way to put an end to this craptastic merry-go-round of fate he and Sam seemed to be doomed to ride into the apocalypse.
Whatever works, right?
No, Dean wouldn’t get Sam to check it, it would heal up eventually. Time heals all wounds, isn’t that the hallmark version.
Yeah, like that shit ever applied to them and their screwed up lives.
Anyway, he’d need to know where the hell Sam was before he could get him to do anything about it. Seemed like every time he closed his eyes lately Sam was slippin’ off somewhere, only to creep back in before day break looking all innocent and remarkably refreshed.
Dean let him think that he was oblivious to what was going on. It was easier that way, didn’t lead to those hard questions like,’ what the hell were you doing all night without me?’
Yeah, it was best that Dean didn’t ask those sticky questions that would lead to him questioning whether Sam really did want him back after all. Especially now he had the Demon Bitch to watch his back.
What the hell use was a broken down big brother that couldn’t even keep his own shit together enough to back him up properly?
Nah, Sammy didn’t need a reminder that his big brother couldn’t even take care of himself anymore.
That he didn’t come back the same as he left.
No, he’d be fine, and ignore it ‘tll it went away, just like he always did.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
It was another 3 days before he realised this thing was really biting him in the ass.
The pulsing flares of radiant heat that spread out across his back from that stupid little nick, causing the sweat to slick across his body, making him fumble his weapons and misstep on tiny pebbles as it trickled into his eyes.
He cursed again as his vision tilted to the left and spun lazily a few times, sending him staggering into the trees lining the rough hewn path they were following.
The disappointed stare directed his way from further up the path stung more than the sharp spines of the branches scratching at his face and arms.
Feeling the spike of twisting self-loathing stirring deep in his gut he fished the blessed little piece of comfort from his jacket pocket and took a fortifying slug before pushing himself back to his full height and did his best to walk a straight line through the wavering haze that had taken over his vision.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
Sam could have kicked himself when he finally realised that something was seriously wrong with Dean.
The dripping sweat in the frigid January air should have been enough of a clue that maybe Dean wasn’t a hundred percent, but no, Sam was too caught up in his own shit to notice and it wasn’t until Dean started to call him Dad that he finally got a clue.
It wasn’t until he finally turned to face him and really looked at him that he noticed the damp sweat patches marking the folds of his over shirt. The fact that he was only wear an over shirt and no goddamn jacket even though it was still cold enough to fog the air with each heaving breath, was the other blatant clue that he’d somehow completely missed noticing when they left Bobby’s 3 hours ago at the ass crack of dawn.
Walking slowly back to his wavering brother, worried that in his disorientated state any sudden moves would spook him into fight of flight, Sam edged his way into his space and gentle stretched his hand out to rest on his sweat soaked shoulder.
“Dean, hey, it’s Sam man. You ok?”
Dean’s bloodshot and glassy gaze pierced his heart as sure a razor sharp dagger would.
“Dad, ‘at ‘ou? ‘ere’s Sssammmee?”
Sam’s hand gripped his shoulder tight as he staggered to his left as he blink up at him, his lids slow and obviously difficult to keep fully open.
“Ahh, Dean.” Sam swallowed hard to stave off the prickle of tears that threatened the back of his eyes and clogged his throat.
Dean’s face instantly morphed into a panicked little boy, “I’m ‘orry ‘ad, I ‘idn’t meeean ta ‘osssse him. I’ll ‘ind ‘im, prommmis’.”
Dean started to push himself away from him and cast his eyes about the surrounding trail seemingly looking for his lost brother in the foliage.
“Hey, no, Dean, it’s me, it’s Sam, I’m right here man. Right here.” Sam gripped onto his weaving shoulder once more, pulling him back to face him.
“NO! GET OFF ME!”
Dean’s sudden scream into his face shocked him into dropping his grip on his shoulder.
Sam could only stare as his previously fever incapacitated brother spun on his heel and ran off back down the path they had just followed, screaming at fever induced enemies as he ran.
“HELP, HELP, Ah…, No…, NO, SOMEBODY HELP ME, SAM…, SAAAAAAAAAMM!”
Dean’s panicked and raw throated screams echoed back at him, the rasping pants betraying the seemly miraculous burst of energy his sprint away from him had displayed.
Scrambling to catch up with him before he could injure himself further Sam pounded up the path in pursuit of his brother’s fleeing figure.
“DEAN, STOP! Please, stop.” Sam’s voice hitched as he struggled to hold back the tears that were blurring his vision as he ran as fast as he could in pursuit.
“NO, oh god…, NO, PLEASE!”
Dean’s desperate pleas drew a tight band of pain across his heaving chest as he push harder to try reach him.
“NO, STOP, STOP IT, NNNOOOOOOOOOO, SAAAAAAAAMMM!”
Sam’s vocie was hoarse from his unshed tears as he stretched to clasp at his brother’s flapping jacket which was now inches from his grasp, “Dean, please, just STOP!”
“Oh god…, PLEASE SAM, HELP MEEEEEE!” Dean’s piercing scream as he finally grabbed hold of the flapping jacket had him jerking to a halt and pull his brother’s delirious form tight into his chest.
Sam couldn’t hold back the tears that slipped down his face as Dean’s overheated limb flailed and writhed in his tight grip. A quite sob tore at his chest as he realised that Dean was reliving hell and just like then, there was no way he could save him from his torment.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
They were almost back to the car before Dean’s failing body finally gave up on him as he flopped, suddenly limp, into the hard packed dirt of the trail floor.
“DEAN, Shit, Dean, hey, you with me man?” Sam voice was hollow with grief as he gently turned his brother over so that he could see his pale white and sweat drenched face.
“Oh god, hey, come on, please?” Sam patted at the slack and disturbingly still face of his brother, only to recoil at the blazing heat coming off him in waves as his hand touched his clammy cheek.
“Oh no, no, no, no, come on Dean, you can’t check out on me now man, not after everything with been through.”
It was only the stuttering and wheezing breaths whistling from his brother’s obviously straining lungs that gave him any reassurance that he was still with him.
“Come on Dean, stay with me. I’ve gotcha, just hold on a bit longer.” Sam’s jaw muscle twitched as he clawed his hands into the soaked shirts and hauled him bodily up over his shoulder, staggering slightly as he adjusted to the dead weight.
The low whining moan from over his shoulder had him straightening quickly and trekking as fast as he could towards the waiting car.
The burning heat radiating from his brother’s limp form scorched like a brand across his aching shoulder as the weakly flailing limbs bumped a morbid tattoo on his back and stomach. The acid burning panic that bubbled up inside him and threatened to choke him had him pushing out his strides to the point of pain in his attempt to get his brother to safety.
What the hell kind of brother was he? He was so bound up in his need for revenge and attempt to find a way to end this spectacular mess that was still slowly destroying his brother’s soul even though he was topside again, that he had failed to notice that his brother’s body was finally starting to fail him too.
He knew that since coming back his brother was so thoroughly broken that there was no way that he was going to be able to weather the apocalyptic storm coming their way. He knew that he needed to be the one to step up to the plate and shoulder the burden, but he had failed to notice that his brother was crumbling before his eyes while he slowly eroded his own soul to come up with a way to put an end to it all before it killed them both, let alone the rest of the world.
Now here was his brother, delirious and hurting out in the middle of nowhere, while he was completely oblivious to it all unfolding right in front of him.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
By time they made it to the car, the shivers wracking Dean’s body were threatening to shake him lose from across his shoulders.
It was with a heavy sigh that he gently lay his brother across the back seat when they finally reached the Impala. A sharp spike of concern throbbed through his gut as Dean moaned softly and arched his back away from the stiff barely yielding leather upholstery.
Stoking softy at the sweaty strands of hair plastered to his brother’s forehead, Sam attempted to soothe him as he started to thrash and push at the rise of the back seat, “Shhh, hey, I’ve got you. Rest Dean, just rest, please?”
Wiping gently at the sliding rivets of sweat cover his flushed and burning cheeks, Sam leaned in over his prone brother, “I’m here now, just rest and let me take care of it. It’s ok, rest.”
Slowly as the whispered words seemed to penetrate the delirium, Dean’s thrashing limbs settle into slight twitching spasms until the only measure of movement was the rasping gasps for air as his overtaxed lungs strained to draw in each new breath.
Pinching the bridge of his nose as he clench his eyes shut in an attempt to stave off the threatening tears, Sam sat back on his hunches by his brothers curled and trembling legs as he tried to will a measure of control into his own trembling limbs.
It was the knowledge that any further delay in returning to Bobby was only prolonging his brother’s pain that finally spurred him into pushing himself out of the car and round to the front seat.
Throwing himself into the seat he gunned the engine as soon as she turned and with a dust raising wheel spin he sped off to help and no doubt reproach.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
A flying spray of gravel peppered the peeling weather board exterior of the house as he stepped on the brake to bring the hulking mass of car to a skidding stop outside Bobby’s.
The resulting thud as his brother’s body slammed into the back of his seat rest had him cussing and slamming his way back to crumpled form of his brother in the cramped space of the foot well.
“Oh crap, I’m so sorry Dean. Shit...BOBBYYYY, HELP ME, please!” the panicked plea finished with a sob as he struggled to pull the limp form into his arms.
By time he had him almost to standing, Bobby’s solid figure was beside him lending his strength to the task of keep his limp and unresponsive brother upright.
“What the hell happened boy?” Bobby’s piercing; almost accusing gaze had him squaring up, ready to defend himself.
“He didn’t tell me Bobby, we were half way into the friggin’ forest and he just freaked the heel out. If I had of...” Sam forced himself to readjust his grip on his brother’s shirts as he felt his knuckles creak as the flare of anger at Bobby’s slight had him clenching his fists.
Bobby rolled his eyes at him and sighed, “Oh, don’t get your panties in a bunch; I know he keeps you on a need to know basis when it comes to his health. I was just kind of curious about what had happened so that maybe I could do something to help, ya idjit!”
Sam clenched his jaw and pulled his brother to his chest as the burn of his brother’s blatant distrust thickened the rising lump in his throat.
“Yeah, guess I’m not trust worthy enough for that info.” Sam muttered as he dropped his eyes from Bobby’s knowing gaze.
“Give him time son. I don’t think he really feels he can trust anyone one of us anymore. In a way we all failed him.” Bobby’s voice faltered slightly before he bent to move his shoulder under Dean’s still unresponsive form, “Jesus, he’s burning up. Come on kid, let’s get him inside and figure out what the hell is going on before his brain cooks in its own juices.”
Together they staggered up the front steps through the house to the back bedroom and gently deposited their precious cargo on the bedcovers which were still slightly mused from their rapid departure earlier in the day.
“Right, get him stripped to briefs while I go and get some supplies.” Bobby’s voice faded as he hurried off in search of his promised supplies.
Sam turned to face his pallid and supine brother, “why can’t you trust me to watch your back? I’d do anything for you...hell, I’d die for you, but you won’t let me in...you won’t share what’s eating you up from the inside. I just...I just want to...to help you…to be the one to take the burden for a while. Why won’t you let me?”
Sam slumped onto the edge of the bed beside him as he reached over to remove his dirt smeared boots.
“Dad? ‘at ‘ou?” Dean’s slurred and breathy voice had him jumping slightly in fright.
“Dean? Hey man, it’s me, it’s Sam, you with me?” Sam leaned over and brushed at the sweat soaked clumps of hair raised across his scalp.
“Daaad, I’m sory. I ‘idn’t mean ta let you down, please.”
Sam flinched back his hand as if burned as Dean continued to mumble in his delirium, obviously oblivious to his surroundings.
“’m ‘orry dad, I ‘ried. ‘e won’t lis’en to me, He ‘hinks he ‘an fight it.”
Sam clenched his jaw as he moved back in and removed his brother’s boots and socks.
“I know, I know he can’t, I’ve ‘ried to ‘ell him, he jus’ won’t lis’en to me.”
Sam paused at his task of removing the sweat soaked jeans as the fever induced words sunk in, the sting of the words causing him to dig the pads of his fingers into his suddenly blurry
and stinging eyes.
“’lease Dad, I’m sory, I’ll try ‘arder I prommis’.”
Sam swallowed hard at the tight clenching band stealing the breath from his throat.
“’m ‘orry. NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, NO STOP, OH GOD, NO DAD PLEASE, SAAM, HELP ME, SOMEBODY
HELP MEEEEE. SAAAAAAMMM.”
Sam jumped up and straddled his brother’s flailing form as his shrill screams rose in pitch and lost their coherency. He flattened himself over Dean’s over heated skin until he was literally blanketing him with his body as Dean thrashed and screamed his throat raw beneath him.
“Bloody hell, what the hell happened.” Bobby’s panic stricken face suddenly appearing in front of him as he skidded into the room.
Sam just held his gaze for a painstaking moment before bowing his head to the hollow of Dean’s shoulder, bracing it against his neck to slow the rapid thrashing of his brother’s head. It was nearly Sam’s undoing when he felt Bobby’s trembling hand rest on his straining shoulder, just has Dean let out a keening moan, that sounded for all the world like a wounded animal crying out it’s distress.
The emotion raw and scraping in his voice, Bobby palmed Dean’s pallid cheek, “Jesus. What did they do to you boy?”
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
Once they had both gotten their emotions back under control and Dean’s thrashing and keening had faded to mostly small whimpering twitches of his restless limbs, Sam and Bobby silently went about stripping him down to his boxer and inspecting his body for the source of the sudden collapse and delirium.
It wasn’t long before they stumbled across the putrid mess the gash on Dean’s back had become. The jagged edges of the inflamed and seeping wound were a deep red, teetering on the edge of purple. The foul smell and watery yellow fluid that oozed from the wound as Bobby pressed on the swollen and tight skin that extended a good two to three inches from the edges of the wound had both men swallowing heavily to hold back nausea it induced.
“Jesus, Sam. This might be too fair gone for us to treat here.” Bobby’s voiced wavered slightly as Dean moaned softly through his unconsciousness as he pressed further on the now oozing wound.
“This is really serious. I’ve got some fairly heavy duty board spectrum antibiotics, but this …” Bobby wiped his palm down his drawn and pinched face, “Shit Sam, he could end up septic. I think we need to make the call and get his ass to an ER and let the professionals handle this one.”
Sam’s gazed flicked between the bloody seeping gore trailing away across his prone brother’s back and the near panic flashing in his old friend’s eyes.
“No…” Sam muttered as he bit heavily on his already raw and peeling bottom lip as he shook his head at his trusted friend, “No, we do what we can for him here and see how he goes. If it gets any worse, then we’ll take him in…but not now…we…I have to try…”
Bobby visibly swallowed as he nodded his assent, “Ok, you got it…but Sam…you gotta know that he’s gonna go through hel…”
Sam’s gaze hardened to ebony flints, “Don’t you think I know that Bobby. Jesus, he relives hell every single damn day because of me. If I could spare him this, don’t you think I would?”
Bobby dropped his gaze to the scuffed and worn floor as he nodded, “I know you would kid, I just wanted to know you knew what you and he were in for, that’s all. Noones going to moving him unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
Sam squared his shoulders and reached out to squeeze his friend’s slumped shoulders, “We’ll get him through this Bobby, I know we will, we have too.”
Bobby’s pained and hollow gaze held his for an extended time until he readjusted his ever present cap and grunted his agreement, “sure kid, you know we will. You got him while I hunt down a few supplies?”
“Yeah, I got him.” Sam sighed as he slumped onto the edge of the bed his feverish brother was laying across.
Stretching his own trembling hand out, he stroked through the sweaty strands clinging to his brother’s scalp. His throat clamped shut as pained whimpers accompanied each breathy exhale. The slight trembling soon became full body shudders and the whimpers turned into breathy moans as the muscles in his back spasmed and pulled at the oozing wound. Sam pushed off the bed and knelt down beside it to leaned in close to Dean’s ear, “Shh, it’s ok, I got you man. I know it hurts, but Bobby and me we’re gonna fix you right up. Soon you’ll be begging me to raid Bobby porn stash for you…which I totally won’t do, that’s just wrong on so many levels. Then you’ll be bitchin’ and moanin’ at me about how much it sucks to be stuck in bed and how you’re gonna kick my ass for mother henning you.”
Sam gently stroked the sweat away from Dean’s pain lined face as he cried out with the clenching of the muscles across his back and shoulders.
“Hurts…stop…” Dean groaned as he shifted in his sleep.
“I know man, just hang in there. Bobby’s hunting down the good stuff now. We’ll get you all cleaned up and pile you full of antibiotics and you’ll be up and chasin…”
Sam stopped as he felt the shudder running through Dean’s frame suddenly increase to alarming levels and had to duck back quickly as Dean’s left arm suddenly stiffened and his body began to seize.
“BOBBY! Fuck, he’s seizing.” Sam scrambled over his seizing form and slid in behind him, cradling his head in his hands and lap, and used his legs to gently brace him away from the wall.
The skidding slide of worn boots over roughened floors heralded Bobby’s return, “what the hell? Shit, I’ll get the ice packs.”
As Bobby scrambled back out the door in search of ice packs, Sam began to silently count the seconds as his mind went back to his Dad’s old First Aid lesson.
”Four minutes Sam, anything over that and you call a unit, past that and your heading into brain damage territory.”
“Fuck!”
At least twenty seconds already…
“Come on Dean, you’re ok, come back to me.” Sam stroked at the flailing left arm currently hitting into his leg without a hint of letting up. He used each full stroke down and up as a measure of the passage of the crucial seconds.
Thirty…
Down and up, down and up, down and up… The pattern would have been almost soothing if it was for the reason behind it.
Sixty second…that’s a whole minute.
“Come on Man, you gotta snap out of it. We’ll get you feeling better soon, you just got hang in there for us.”
Down and up, down and up, down and up… His heart beat was competing with Dean’s laboured breathing as the loudest sound in the room. Sam was pretty sure his heart beat was winning.
Ninety second…shit, a minute and a half. Where the hell is Bobby with those ice packs?
Down and up, down and up, down and up… Now his own panicked breaths were taking over the race for dominance of the room acoustics.
Hundred and twenty seconds…fuck, that’s two minutes already. Come on Bobby, what the hell are…
“Here, put these on his pulse points, quick.” Bobby panted as he stumbled back into the room with arms full of tea towel wrapped ice packs.
Quickly grabbing the offered packs Sam help him carefully arranged the icepack at each pulse point. They had to work hard to keep the lifesaving bundles in place as Dean’s thrashing form worked against them.
Down and up, down and up, down and up… Bobby’s soild presence helped to seemly slow the rapid passage of time as slowly Dean’s frantic thrashing start to slow before finally stilling.
Hundred and eighty seconds…bloody hell Dean, that’s three minutes you were hot wiring your brain. Why to give me a freakin’ heart attack.
Sam sighed as he gently repositioned a loosen icepack and raised his gaze to Bobby’s strained and weary face as his old friend slumped down on the foot the bed, his obviously trembling hand clamping down on his brothers calf.
“I’m getting too damn old for this shit. Kid, when you wake up from this, I’m gonna kick your ass six way to Sunday,…if you don’t give me a damn heart attack in the meantime.”
Sam felt his lips twitch into a grin at the affection overlaying the gruff threat.
“You better get in line then.” Sam smirked at him as he pushed back the sweat sliding down the visable side of his prone brother’s face.
“How ‘bout we get the idjit back on his feet before we agree on his just desserts for this one hey?” Bobby said as he rose from his seat on the bed.
“I’ll get some wash cloths and water so we can wipe him down and see if we can get his temp down below rapid boil.”
Sam sighed and nodded before gently extracting himself from around his brother, being careful not to dislodge any of the ice packs. He pulled the lone chair of the room over to the head of the bed and he slumped into it to lean forward on his elbows and push his trembling hands up into his hair to brace the back of his head as bowed his head.
What the hell was he supposed to do?
How was he supposed to help him if he wouldn’t let him in?
It killed him a little more each day to know that his brother was going through this because of what he had done to save him. The only thing that kept him going was the burning need to extract revenge on the bitch that had done this to him. He was going to make her understand that killing his brother was the biggest mistake of her damned and demonic life. Even if it killed him, he was going to make the bitch pay for the broken shell of brother that had been returned to him. Some how he would get through to him and make him understand that now matter what happen to him or what he did, he was still his big brother and he loved him.
Nothing could or would ever change that.
Bobby’s scruffing footsteps on the wooden floor had him coming back to himself and stretching up to except the basin of water and soaking cloths.
“You get started on cooling him the rest of the way down while a start cleaning out that festering mess on his back.”
Sam caught his old friend’s tired gaze, “thanks Bobby…”
“No need to thanks me boy, Iike I’ve told you and your thick head brother before, family don’t end with blood.”
Sam swallowed heavily at his suddenly constricted throat, “yeah, I know…just…thanks for being here.”
Bobby nodded and cleared his throat, “ well enough of that touchy feelin’ waffle, let’s get this done so we can both stop worryin’ ourselves into an early grave over this idjit brother of yours.”
Working in silent tandem, Bobby cleansed and dressed the wound while Sam wipe his brother’s over heated body with tepid water.
With painstaking care Bobby managed to remove the tiny sliver of broken claw that had obviously caused the raging infection in the first place while Sam soothed his whimpering brother will the smooth gentle strokes of the cloth.
The only sound in the room was the harsh scrape of heavy boots on worn wooden boards and the ragged gasping breaths from Dean’s trembling frame. Finally removing the icepacks as the baking heat dissipated from his brother’s fevered limbs, Sam distracted himself from the constantly rising panic by creating a hypnotically soothing pattern with the wash cloth.
Dunk…,
Wring…,
Stroke…,
Glide…,
Dunk…,
Wring…,
Stoke…,
Glide…, repeat, until the bubbling panic ebbed to a tiny flutter that stirred with each gasping murmur that escaped his brother’s parched and cracked lips. Until finally he settled into a seemly restful sleep and the tremor left his limbs.
That is until the next spike of his fever.
It was 2 more days of sponge baths, sooping sweat soaked sheets and screaming fits of delirium. There were no more seizures after that night, but it was the 2 full days and nights of exhausting fever cycles before Dean started to turn the corner and the raging fever finally broke for good and the periods of delirium ceased. It was another 2 days before the enflames edges of the wound finally started to turn a healthy pink instead of the vibrant red, nearly purple of the past days infected flesh. It was only then that Sam was able to relax enough from his silent vigil over his ailing brother to give into his own exhaustion and he slumped over his brother’s legs in a sleep to mimic the dead.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
Sam twitched in his hunched over position as his cell buzzed a message in his pocket, disrupting the heavy calm that was cloaking the room and its slumbering occupants.
Cursing quietly he pulled it from his jeans and glanced quick at his sleeping brothers sweat drenched but finally peaceful face and breathed a sharp sigh of relief when he saw that his sleep was undisturbed.
Pushing himself up slowly from the low slung chair, his joints popped from the hours of inactivity his solitary vigil over his brothers’ fever ravaged body had induced.
Glancing guiltily at the still form of his brother once more he slid silently from the room and out the back door to answer Ruby’s message.
Ruby’s affectionate grin as he materialised at her side in the rear of the junk yard had his stomach twisting in agonising guilt at the throbbing need it stirred deep in his veins.
“What?”
Sam’s hissing snarl was greeted with raised brows and a cant of her hips.
“Well, hello to you too Sam, jeeze, so sorry for disturbing you with a possible location on Lilith.”
The dripping sarcasm of the demon’s tone had the fine hairs of his nape rising along with his anger.
“Ruby, Dean’s sick, this really isn’t a good time, can’t you check it out first.” Sam softened his gaze as he remembered how much she had helped him, had helped them both these past months. His brother probably wouldn’t be alive at all if she hadn’t saved their asses more times than he could count.
Ruby’s exasperated sigh had him stepping into her space to grip her shoulders.
“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just that, Dean he, well..”
Ruby’s eyes softened as she looked up at him with compassion, “I know Sam, he’s not as strong as he used to be and he needs you more than ever, but we need to get Lilith and to be honest I really don’t think Dean is ever gonna be strong enough to take her on.”
Her hand stroking the side of his face sent a cold shiver down his spine, but her words somehow made sense and as much as he hated to think it, she was right. Dean wasn’t strong enough to do this right now; it was up to him to protect him. Her hand moving to lightly squeeze at his shoulder brought him back to focus on her words.
“Maybe now is exactly the right time to do this. Bobby will take care of him, right? While you come with me and we take care of this for good. Come on Sam, you know this is what you need to do, not just to prevent the apocalypse from starting but for Dean. He deserves to have that Bitch pay for what she did him, doesn’t she?” Her steely gaze met his just before he turned to glance over at the window currently cloaking his brother’s overburdened body.
“Yeah, yeah, ok, you’re right...umm...just...just give a few to talk to Bobby and make sure Dean’s gonna be ok.”
Her beaming smile had the guilt squirming low in his belly, bubbling up to sour his gut and leave a bitter taste in the back of his throat.
“Sure Sam, but don’t be long, I don’t know how long she’s gonna stay put.”
Sam nodded as the muscles in his jaw clenched as another stab of guilt burned in his gut.
Sighing deeply he turned on his heel to face the look of disappointment he was bound get when he laid this out for Bobby. Hesitating slightly in sudden indecision Sam sighed once more and tracked his was back across the darkened and lonely junkyard to face the music.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
“You’re goin’ where? You do realise that you came damn close to losing that brother of yours again these last few days?” Bobby’s piercing glare cut a swath through his chest almost to the bone.
His voice tight and strained from the pain constricting his throat at the implied carelessness, Sam pleaded with him, “I know Bobby, but he’s ok now and Ruby says this is a solid lead on her whereabouts. I can’t just pass up the chance to end this right now. Dean won’t want me to.”
Bobby’s eyes turned to flinting edges of steel piercing into his very soul, “your brother would want the chance to end this with you. This is his fight too Sam. He deserves an opportunity to be there at the end of it.”
“I know, but he’s been so...he’s...he’s just not himself right now Bobby. He needs some time, time that we don’t have. Will you take care of him ‘til I get back?”
Bobby nodded instantly, almost before Sam was finished, “Of course I will, just...just you make sure you’re coming back, you hear. I ain’t gonna be the one to tell him his stupid fool of a brother has gone and got himself killed. I watch that train wreak once, I sure as hell never want to witness to it again, you understand me boy.”
Sam swallowed hard at the sudden lump constricting his throat, “Yeah, I promise.”
“Good, now git, before I change my damn fool mind and chain to the goddamn chair.”
“Thanks Bobby, I really appreciate this.”
“Just go boy.”
Sam hoped that the deep satisfaction that avenging Dean’s forty years of living through hell would bring him would be enough to appease the twisting coils of guilt souring his belly at the act of betrayal his brother would see his actions as. All he could do was hope that one day, Dean would understand. There was always hope.
~|~o~|~0~|~o~|~
It was the cool breeze skirting over his sweat slick skin that finally brought him back to full awareness.
His first conscious thought was the same as it always was, “Sammy?”
The obvious absence of his little brothers hulking presence hit his gut like a heavy weight fighters fist, pushing all the air out of his aching lungs in one sharp wheeze.
“Ah, Dean. He’ll be back boy.”
Bobby’s raw pity laden voice had his defences slamming back in place, his face shutting down to it’s standard blank hooded mask.
“Yeah, sure. I know that.” Dean grimaced as his voice scraped raw and hollow from his throat, “Was just wondering where he was, is all. Got a keep an eye on him, he has a tendency to wander if you don’t.”
The sure and cocky grin that he favoured his oldest and most trusted friend was obviously not fooling him for a second, but it was all he had at the moment and it was a testament to how well his friend knew him that he nodded and pulled at his ever present cap before changing the topic.
“Yeah, so it seems. Do you need a hand to get cleaned up; you had a rough few days.”
The hard piercing stare aimed his way; felt like his soul was laid bare in seconds, “Nah, I’m good, wouldn’t want to disturb your delicate sensitivities by flashing this fine ass your way.”
The guff of laughter broke the tense moment, “Ok, but don’t blame me when your kitten weak ass falls over in the shower and cracks that thick skull of yours.”
Dean grinned his appreciation at his old friend.
“Holler if you need me, I’m gonna go and do something useful like find a way to stop this damn apocalypse from happen before we manage to get our sorry asses killed.”
Dean swallowed as the heavy weight of the burden slipped back over his shoulders like a lead cloak as Bobby slipped from the room.
Stretching his aching body to clasp his discarded jacket he pushed his way into the inner pocket and pulled out his only measure of reliable comfort and took a long pull, relishing the moment of fiery burn on his dry and parched throat.
Soon the sharp edges of the overwhelming weight would be blunted by the clouding numbness of the alcohol haze and he would be able to look himself in the mirror and not flinch away from the accusing stare that pierce at him from every reflection.
No wonder his brother couldn’t stick around for long, he couldn’t stand his own sorry self, how the hell did he expect his brother to want to be anywhere near him when he was so pathetic and weak.
No, better that Sam isn’t here to see him stagger and weave his way over to the door way, the only thing holding him up the wall and his sheer willpower to not fall on his ass and need Bobby to pick his sorry ass up.
No, it was better that he would have time to put the mask back on firmly before he had to face the raw disappointment that oozed from his brother every time he looked at him.
Got to fake it to make it, right?
end