Comments on your poem
anonymous
March 30 2005, 05:12:45 UTC
Since the poem is complete, you cannot go back and change it. But it does (did) needs much revision (or fixing). For example... The wrong usage of "your". They should be "you're". A lot of the poem is implying something, and that something, no one but you know of it.
-The lines are bleeding sleekly, (what lines are you talking about?) She's waiting for the pass.- (what's this pass? time? football? ticket? like an overpass?)
You'll get things as you write more. And your sentences are a bit too brief, instead of stretching out the poem in column height, you should try to lengthen out the lines.
Well that's all I really have to say (pointing out every mistake would just make me seem like a bastard and degrade your work) I hope that you find success in writing more of your works this these comments in mind (unless you blow them off, feel free to do so). You should know who I am. Not really but someone you know has made mention of me before.
Re: Comments on your poemstolensoul4818March 30 2005, 06:33:14 UTC
I agree with all you said and I would have pointed out the same things. But it was written to my sister of emotions and situations we have and have gone through. I cannot explain many of those things, but between her and I they make perfect sense. And that is exactly what it was meant to do.
But thank you again for all your feedback. It was very appreciated and taken into consideration for future works. Thank you also for taking the time to read it. I hope you enjoyed it. :)
^^^^ the sentances are not too brief, its called a differnt style of writing. maybe you should consider that before jumping all over her.
about the pass and lines, not all poetry is straightforward. this for example, some of the lines arent. if everything was laid out and blunt in this piece it would be stupid, its good to keep things not revealed, esp in this piece. and im sure you could figure it out anyways
and stupid things like "your" to "you're" is just dumb and tedious
and maybe if you knew anything about tracey youd be able to figure out what this poem is about, although its not that hard to figure it out.
and thats really all I have to say. so just learn more about poetry and different styles of writing before you start attacking a clearly great piece of work
Thank you Brittany :) ^.^ I talk with someone he knows and that person shared it with him and I asked for feedback. But thank you all the same! Do you think Ana will like it?
Of course, there's always someone like you who defend someone and make them look stupidmunkykornMarch 30 2005, 07:27:52 UTC
And you assume that one would judge another if they are not somehow knowledgeable in that area? A person who does not right cannot judge one who does. It's simple really. I WRITE POETRY THEREFORE I CRITIQUE
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My Darling SisternightraptureMarch 30 2005, 09:41:37 UTC
Tracey hun...you are my sister by choice, not by blood. And to me that means more then if you were my biological sister. We have been through many hard times together and I am sure many more to come. We have struggled through things that should have torn us apart. Being the two very stubborn, bull-headed people that we are, we have had fights, oh man, the fights we have had. LOL We have laughed at each other in good natured humor and we have cried on each others shoulders. There have been times when only you stood beside me and those have meant more then you'll ever know. And there have been the times when I have had to tickle you till you got upset so that you would tell me what was bothering you. But it worked and you let it all out. I didn't even mind how you would be mad at me for awhile afterwards. I was just glad that I was there for you to talk to. I know right now that we are 6,000 miles away from each other but I still think about you and miss you. I love you times the number of stars in the sky and taken to the depths of
( ... )
Re: My Darling Sisterstolensoul4818March 30 2005, 09:45:08 UTC
Oh Ana Sue.....You have no idea what you have done for me. For so long, you've been the only one willing to get under my skin. To the the real me. I love you. And you have been the only one to stand by my side many times as well. Damnit...you cheat. Thank you Ana Sue.
"It is a poem ruled by emotion and the trying times that we have been through. Please do not take away from it with words that will change the true meaning that it holds."
i agree with ana...because it is your poem filled with your emotions for the purpose of letting those emotions out, there is no way to edit it to make it any better. it is your emotions and you cant edit emotions.
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-The lines are bleeding sleekly, (what lines are you talking about?)
She's waiting for the pass.- (what's this pass? time? football? ticket? like an overpass?)
You'll get things as you write more. And your sentences are a bit too brief, instead of stretching out the poem in column height, you should try to lengthen out the lines.
Well that's all I really have to say (pointing out every mistake would just make me seem like a bastard and degrade your work) I hope that you find success in writing more of your works this these comments in mind (unless you blow them off, feel free to do so). You should know who I am. Not really but someone you know has made mention of me before.
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But thank you again for all your feedback. It was very appreciated and taken into consideration for future works. Thank you also for taking the time to read it. I hope you enjoyed it. :)
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about the pass and lines, not all poetry is straightforward. this for example, some of the lines arent. if everything was laid out and blunt in this piece it would be stupid, its good to keep things not revealed, esp in this piece. and im sure you could figure it out anyways
and stupid things like "your" to "you're" is just dumb and tedious
and maybe if you knew anything about tracey youd be able to figure out what this poem is about, although its not that hard to figure it out.
and thats really all I have to say. so just learn more about poetry and different styles of writing before you start attacking a clearly great piece of work
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Damnit...you cheat.
Thank you Ana Sue.
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i agree with ana...because it is your poem filled with your emotions for the purpose of letting those emotions out, there is no way to edit it to make it any better. it is your emotions and you cant edit emotions.
tracey, we need to talk.
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