My brain is so fucking fucked up
If only half of you knew what was going on inside of it you would totally agree. I swear I like being hurt. Being the middle child the only time I got attention was when I hurt myself. So i would sometimes purposely do it when i was younger or fake it. My little brother was always babied, and my older was always getting in trouble because of his grades and shit. Me, I always felt as if know one cared about how i did. That is the reason I ALWAYS did so bad in elementry. My parents never showed any intrest in me or my life. I knew since I was very young and still know now that if I ever have a family it is going to be fucked up. I have the biggest fear that I am going to be abusive and show that I don't care. I fear this because I do it already. Ask Chris he knows all to well. I have the biggest fear of getting in to drugs and drinking and just having sex for the fun of it. Each day I try so hard to avoid the many temtations that suround me. I keep finding it harder, and I know i am growing close to the biggest fears I have. I don't want to be a repeat of "my father". I don't want to be like David, sure he is a marine now but, before he had to stay back he slacked of in every aspect of his life.I notice I am starting to do the same thing. 7th grade one of my teachers, Mr. Miller, took an interst in my life and help me get my grades up and taught me better study habits and shit. All threw jounior high I did really good and was sure that I wasn't following my brothers foot steps. The begging of ninth grade though did something, I had, had a really bad summer. I was stuck in the house all summer because i had gotten really sick and my grandmother belived that women should do the "household chores". I really do think I gotten myself sick on purpose. Who the fuck wears a sweater and sweat pants ALL summer. I had to have known it would do something. It did I had gotten a heat stroke and wasn't allowed to do ANYTHING the rest of the summer. That also included the 2 mile runs i did everynight to let out all my anger. I had kept it all bottled up for the rest of the summer. So my ninth grade started off with that. Then I was able to slack off in a llot of my classes and still pass with awsome grades, so I lost my study skills without relizing it. I had gotten more and more depressed as the year went on. I had my heart broken,really bad. Every guy i liked I introduced to Sammi imideatly fell in love with her. Including my boyfriend of the time. The summer seperating 9th and 10th grade was really bad, the worst of all my summers. I had a cyst on my middle finger that I had for a while, and during the summer it had gotten so bad that I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. When I dont sleep at night I think. Thinking for me is a bad thing. When I think I end up fucking my life up more than it already is. I spent the whole summer crying myself to sleep. And it didnt help that I wasnt allowed to see my favorite uncle, and my cousin, the only person i trust 100%. I wasnt even allowed to talk to her because her mother was beign a bitch. All summer i had no one. People on line kept telling me about Chris and Sammi which only made it worse so i tried not to belive them. I did end up seeing my cousin and my uncle secretly, which did help me out. I got back and Chris broke up with me. and about a month or so later I heard from Sammi about what she did with Chris over the summer,not good. Then Chris started going out Trisha, which pissed me off so much. But this is Bekkie, she HAS to laugh it all of and take it all. nope no emotion except happy from her. I pretened the Sammi Chris thing and the Trisha Chris thing didnt bother me. Then Sammi and Chuck broke up and I couldnt take the guilt of knowing what had happened. So I told Chuck. Sammi and I didnt talk for a WHOLE MONTH. I was so glad I had Lindsay,Jenn, Elise, and Jay. I dont know what i would have done with out them. Then my job. OMG we dont want to go there. it had gotten me so depressed cuz i had NO TIME TO MYSELF. I was always busy. This where i am going to end. cuz i lost my flow and i had a nice one going and now i am going to go on a say what i wanted to b4 all of that^
Neways~The jist of that is: I am an asshole, and I am sorry.
I just dont know what to do anymore, I am so confused.
TODAY
i woke up at 4:50 thinking it was 5:40. and i only got like 4 hours of sleep.
NESA party was awsome you guys. i loved it we r so smart they DIDNT KNOW.
i am goign to miss Nesa so much. i wanted to cry today. I am goign to miss all the knew friends i made. it just makes me want to cry just thinking about it. this sucks
went to the doctors, i swear the forgot about us our appointment was at 9:50 didnt get seen till a lil b4 11. i decided i am going to have surgery. i just cant stand the cyst any more.
my cat went back to the vet.
anthro nothing happened we did what every we wanted
tonight goign tot teh movies with jt