my favorite
I was bound and determined to get back in shape,
So I thought I’d begin with an exercise tape.
I couldn’t quite manage to do what they said,
As I huffed and I puffed till I thought I was dead!
They said I’d get used to the routine in time,
But I have to admit that I’m well past my prime.
The smiles on those models could not have been real,
For it took me three weeks for my body to heal.
Besides, they all needed some meat on their bones,
And I don’t want to look like one of their clones
So I’ve thrown in the trash that old exercise tape!
I’m already in shape - for round is a shape!
"Ten Simple Rules for Dating My GrandDaughter"
Some thoughtful information for those who are daughters, were daughters, have daughters, intend to have daughters, or intend to date a daughter.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door
To clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
Worm Test
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
Boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
Wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
Spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
He puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
Tickle Me Elmo:
>
> There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
>
> The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
>
> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
>
> The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
>
> The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
>
> He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>
> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the
> 2 men march down to the factory floor.
>
> When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
>
> At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle
> Me Elmo's.
>
> She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
>
> The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
> wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
> package between Elmo's legs.
>
> The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
>
> After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
>
> "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
> "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.."
> "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
>
>
>
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for
breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to
make love to me
this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my
lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her
and then gives it
his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the
stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was
that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken."
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
What patients say during Colonoscopies
>>Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were
>>quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the following are
>>actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he
>>was performing their colonoscopies:
>>
>>1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
>>before!
>>2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
>>3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
>>4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
>>5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
>>6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
>>7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
>>8.. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
>>9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
>>10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
>>11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
>>12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
>>And the best one of all...
>>13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
>>up there?"
>