you know sometimes i get the urge to run around naked
Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could
throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten
people very happy."
Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one
hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred
people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and
said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there.
Shit, I could throw all of them out of the window and
make 56 million people very happy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have
raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You work in short spurts and fall asleep after each brief work
period.
3. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen
visiting other locations.
4. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
5. You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You are unable to work double shifts.
8. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
9. You will retire long before age 65.
10. And if that were not enough, you have constantly been seen
entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious looking bags
Sincerely, The Management
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
When you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!
We have all had bad dates....but this takes the cake. This just tells
You how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight
Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most
Embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first
date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale
Took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside of Salt Lake City , Utah . It
Was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
They were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the
mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have
Had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the
middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which
She did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow
going, there came a point when she told him that he had better stop and let
Her pee beside the road, or it would be on the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked h er
Pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so
She let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
Indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think
about was the relief she felt, despite the rather embarrassing nature
of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another
sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
Buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues
frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her
flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand
new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet
Aware of the humor of the moment, she answer ed her date's concerns about
"what is taking so long" with a reply that, indeed, she was "freezing her butt
Off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried
tocover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly
into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they
finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced
with areal problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her
Chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his
Pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
Hands down or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your
First date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new
Meaning to being pissed off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body: Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and
shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull
it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding
evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what?" A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the he ll do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom.
She said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked,
"What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said,
"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked
Him, "What do you have in your hand?"
The little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands
He'll get scared away."
The principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
He did and the little boy said,
"Oh great , now look what you did,
You scared the shit out of him!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $20.00
Total $4,145.00
(But you know the job was done right!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*The Best Short Joke*
*ever told...*
A three-year-old boy was examining his penis and testicles while taking
A bath.
"Mom," he asked . . . "are these my brains?"
"Not yet"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> Drinking with a Redneck Girl
>>
>> A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
>>
>> When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,
>> pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
>> Mexico
>> our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one
>> twice."
>>
>> The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into
>> the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
>> "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
>> drink with the same one twice either."
>>
>> The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in
>> one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her ..45, and shoots
>> the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar,
>> and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal
>> Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones
>> twice."
>>
>> God Bless America !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He
stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you
Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps,
free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not
American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."