tryna get rid of some old saved emails
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag ..
" Oh, really? Shoot!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the footb all stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes"
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, .... " not everybody pays."
Union Rules &Hookers----
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
It's the summer of 1960 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"
"Yes," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear and he immediately revises the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle oxford shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother," Dammit, Mom! It's the Twist! It's called The Twist!"
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
" Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
" Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
An Arab family in N.Y. was considering putting their grandfather in a Nursing home.
Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home in Brooklyn.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' Says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong Place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the Residents here,' grandpa says with a big smile.
'There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the Violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!'
'And there's a physician here -- 90 years ! Old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'
'And what about you Grandpa' - asks the grandson.
'And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The fucking Arab!'
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him because all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day, when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the boy awoke, he saw the golden screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.
The moral of this story is: Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- you could lose your ass!
How to Make a Woman Happy
-------------------------
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she
goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
...and people wonder why men and women are so different.
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some sco tch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
9" high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."
"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "you know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and
you say something with 'ass'.
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back d ownstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios