Getting it wrong.
This is my first attempt at an actual real fic, so I'd appreciate feedback of any description.
Pairing: Ryo/Shige
Warnings: none
Rating: PG
Ryo took a deep breath before flipping open his phone and dialling. Desperate times called for desperate measures after all. And Ryo was desperate. Very desperate. The call connected. “Koyama, it's me. I was wondering if you're free this evening at all? I've got something I need to talk to you about...”
*
They were sat in the back of a bar. Ryo had chosen it carefully. The background music was loud enough that passers-by would not be able to eavesdrop on them, but not so loud that they wouldn't be able to hear each other. In addition to this, it was dimly lit, and no one paid too much attention to the two idols sat drinking in a booth.
Koyama was on his fifth beer of the evening, while Ryo was still nursing his third. He had to get the timing just right. He needed to get Koyama drunk enough that he would spill the secret Ryo hoped he knew, while being sober enough himself that he could act appropriately. And manage to get Koyama home in one piece. He'd never hear the end of it if Koyama started his infamous drunken striptease in a public bar because he'd been out drinking with Ryo.
Koyama is halfway through a story about Shige that his best friend would be mortified to hear coming from his lips when Ryo thinks that maybe Koyama is at that point and this is his moment. “...so Shige is running around the hotel hallways panicking because he's naked, and then he... Ryo? Ryo, are you listening to me?” Koyama is saying, while waving his hand in front of Ryo's face like he's lost his vision.
“Yeah, sorry about that. So what happened next?” Ryo responds, mentally preparing himself while Koyama finishes his story.
“Talking about Shige”, he says once Koyama has finished his story, “do you happen to know if he likes someone at the moment?” he asks casually. Koyama just looks confused. Ryo sighs and grits his teeth. This is embarrassing but Koyama won't mock him for it. Thanking his lucky stars that it's Koyama he has to speak to and not Yamapi - or worse, it could be Jin - he tries again. “It's just that I'm pretty sure I've noticed him looking at someone recently, and was wondering what you knew about it.”
If possible Koyama looks more confused than before and Ryo starts to panic a little bit. Is it possible I've got this all wrong?
Koyama looks at him and asks “Why? Do you know someone who likes him? You should introduce them. I'm sure he'd be thrilled. You know how shy he gets around girls...” Koyama tails off and when Ryo meets his eyes Koyama is peering at him like he can read his damn brain.
“Oh my god”, Koyama breathes softly and his next sentence is so quite that Ryo wouldn't have heard it at all, if he hadn't been half expecting it. “You like him!”
Ryo freezes under Koyama's gaze. He wants to deny it, had thought that Koyama would be drunk and stupid by now, but although Koyama is drunk, he's not that drunk and he's anything but stupid and for how oblivious he can be, sometimes it's like he can see right inside you.
“I...” he starts, looking down at his hands, and then stops because he doesn't know what he can say. There's no point in denying it. Koyama will know anyway. But that doesn't mean he has to admit it. “I...” he says again, stupidly, but once again stops. This time because he raises his eyes to meet Koyama's and all he can see there is pity. It makes him freeze. “He's never said anything to me...” Koyama says to Ryo, probably trying to help. But all Ryo can hear is the unspoken ...and he would have.
Suddenly Ryo can't take it any more. He can't believe he's been so stupid. Can't believe that he read the situation so wrong. Can't believe that he'd wanted it so bad that he'd created a whole world in his head where Shige had wanted it too. Can't believe that he'd put himself through all of this, and for nothing.
Ryo is on his feet, scrambling backwards and grabbing for his jacket. He empties his wallet on the table, leaving enough money to pay for their drinks twice over with enough change to taxi Koyama home.
Then he's running. Running all the way home because he didn't keep any money for his own taxi ride and must get home and he's glad he doesn't live so far away from the bar and he must be out of shape because his chest hurts.
He makes it home just in time. The door latch clicks shut behind him just as the first tear falls down his face and the first sob wrack’s his body.
*
Two days later and he's at work, halfway through a photoshoot and trying to forget all about it. He'd made a mistake. Now he knows better. Everyone can get on with their lives. At least he'd tested the waters and found them to be cold before he'd dived right in and confessed his love. He grins to himself and takes a drag of his cigarette.
They'd gotten an unprecedented full hour break, as an essential piece of the photographers kit had broken and a replacement had to brought in from halfway across the city. Ryo was determined to enjoy it.
The roof door opens and Ryo turns to greet his bandmate. His stomach does a little flip when he realises it's Shige, but Ryo ignores it and lazily waves before turning back to the view. Shige walks up and stands at the edge of the rooftop looking out, a few feet away from Ryo. Ryo silently offers his pack of cigarettes which are wordlessly turned down and he shrugs as he puts them back in his pocket and extinguishes his own burnt out butt.
They stand in silence for a while, just listening to the sounds of the city. It's rare for them to have the chance to do this, stand and do nothing, and Ryo feels contended. It's a nice day, sunny but not too hot, and Ryo thinks that this day has kind of been a little bit perfect.
Ryo glances at his watch to see how much time they have left - lots, half an hour in fact - and the action seems to startle Shige, as though he expects to Ryo to run off. He turns to Ryo and in a quiet voice asks “can we talk?”.
Ryo looks at him and instantly his contented mood vanishes. Back is the horrible despair and stomach-churning terror that had occupied him all of the previous day, he should have know the 'perfect day' wouldn't last.
But, no. Koyama wouldn't do that to him would he? Yes, Shige is his best friend, but it's not like he needs to know, right? And Ryo and Koyama are friends as well, right? Close enough to go drinking together at least. In Ryo's world that means they're friends.
But obviously not in Koyama's, he thinks as Shige takes a deep breathe and tells him that he's spoken to Koyama and that he knows all about Ryo's feelings for him. Ryo can only stand there in amazement as the train wreck piles around him.
“I'm sorry Nishikido-kun”, Shige is saying “I can't return your feelings”. Ryo is frozen to the spot, blood rushing in his ears. He knows this, he knows it and Shige didn't have to come all the way up here to reject a confession that was never actually made. He opens his mouth to say this, to try and claw back some dignity from this whole mess. Except his mind is obviously far more broken that he's thought and dignity was far too overrated anyway, as what came out of his mind was a pathetic and rather pitiful “why?”.
Shige laid his hand on Ryo's shoulder, in an attempt to be kind and sympathetic. It just made Ryo flinch. Shige looked at him with pity and replied “because I like girls Nishikido-kun”.
*
The following week Ryo was seriously considering quitting NEWS. He'd spent the rest of his break and the photoshoot hiding from Koyama. He didn't want to hear the traitors explanations as to why he'd felt it necessary to humiliate Ryo like that. He'd also spent the photoshoot avoiding Shige, who seemed not too fond of the idea of being around Ryo either. Luckily for all concerned, Ryo had been paired up with Yamapi and Shige with Koyama so no awkward moments arose during shooting.
He'd been avoiding Koyama ever since, going so far as to have his phone screen calls from Koyama's number. Pi had tried to talk him round, but Ryo had just told him that since he didn't know what Koyama had done, he shouldn't try to defend him and instead should worry about his best friend, i.e. Ryo. Pi had retorted that obviously whatever Koyama had done it hadn't been meant in a malicious way, it was Koyama they were talking about, and Ryo needed to get over his sulk as between Ryo's feud with Koyama and whatever the hell was going on with Shige, half of the band wasn't speaking to each other and it was all Ryo's fault.
Ryo had gotten angry, yelled that there was nothing going on between him and Shige (leaving out the bit about this being part of the problem) and had kicked Pi out. He was currently also ignoring Pi, meaning that Ryo wasn't speaking to more than half his group.
Ryo sighed at his memories of the past 10 days and got a beer from his fridge. He'd had promo shots for his new drama today and he felt drained. More so than usual. He sat down on his sofa and downed half his bottle in one go. He'd hoped the exhaustion from work would clear his mind but that looked like a pipe dream. He sighed to himself again as his someone knocked on his door. Who's drunk and wants to crash out on my couch tonight then? he thought to himself as he stumbled to the door.
Ryo throws open the door and is about to bitch at the person on the other side of the door when his heart leaps into his mouth and all coherent thought leaves him, as the person standing on the other side of the door is Shige. Wet, angry Shige who looks for all the world like a cat who has been given a bath.
“You!”, Shige points and hisses angrily at him before barging past Ryo and stalking into his apartment, not even bothering to take his shoes off. Dumbly, Ryo lets him and shuts the door, before quickly peering out the window to confirm, yes, that it's raining.
“You!” Shige says again and Ryo still can't think of anything to say as Shige is in his apartment. Shige who has a radio show tomorrow in central Tokyo and Ryo who is in his apartment in Osaka.
Shige is still gesticulating wildly at him, although his vocabulary hasn't expanded at all. He stops, looks down at himself and seems to realise that he's wet. Soaking in fact, and is still wearing his shoes. Stopping to glare at Ryo one more time he pulls off his coat and shoes and flings them away from himself as though they personally offend him or something. He straightens up and that's when Ryo realises that Shige is drunk. Blind, stinking drunk.
“Oh god Shige, did you walk here from the station? No wonder you're soaking wet! How much have you had to drink?” Ryo questions him but is interrupted.
“Shut up! This is all your fault. You had to go and notice didn't you? You had to see what I didn't want you to see. What I didn't want anyone to see” Shige is ranting, pacing up and down in Ryo's living room. “And then you had to go to Koyama” - Shige says his best friends name like it's a disease - “and of course because it's Koyama he has to tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling and now that I know what you're thinking about it's just fucking there in my mind all the time...” Ryo is lost. Does Shige want him to apologise or something? Did he travel for four hours on a train blind drunk just to yell at Ryo?
All of a sudden Shige stops pacing and turns to face Ryo. “I've tried so hard”, his voice is quiet all of a sudden. And yet somehow it feels louder to Ryo, hits him harder than Shige's yelling did. “I tried to ignore it. To ignore you. But how can I now? How can I now that I know that you noticed? Now that I know you feel the same way?” and before Ryo can process what the hell is going on, Shige is kissing him.
Ryo is still confused and has no idea what's going on, but then Shige puts his tongue in Ryo's mouth and it's all he's ever wanted and he couldn't care less about anything else. He clutches at Shige's shoulders and kisses back fiercely.
Then Shige's hands are skirting along the top of his jeans and fumbling for his belt, and it's his Shige. His Shige who is clumsy. His Shige who lacks confidence. His Shige who he loves more than anything else in the world. His Shige who likes girls.
Ryo pulls back with a start and it's the hardest thing he's ever had to do. Shige is standing there, his turn to look confused, with water dripping down his hair, his face all flushed from the kissing and the alcohol and Ryo is disgusted with himself.
He was going to take advantage of his friend. His drunk, straight friend who is also a colleague. What the hell was wrong with him?
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Shige is asking, back to angry now. Ryo thinks Shige is psychic until his next question. “Why are you stopping me? I thought you wanted this? Wanted me?”
Ryo takes a deep breathe. Shige is hot, wet and angry. A lethal combination for man in love and ridiculously horny. His body protests the lack of contact, especially when it's right there and on offer. But Ryo knows that it would only lead to more heartache. And probably split their band up for good.
Shige is stepping into Ryo's personal space now, trying to touch him, to get him to touch Shige. Ryo manages to grab both of Shige's hand and hold them. Shige stops moving and just looks at him.
“I do, Shige. I do. But you don't. You're drunk. And you like girls. Remember? You told me so” Ryo tries to explain.
“I was just saying that!” Shige tries to butt it, but Ryo continues. “You're still drunk. You'll regret this in the morning.”
Shige just stares at him. “Fine”, he says, pulling his hands away from Ryo's. Ryo can't believe that Shige gave in that easily. It just proved him right, that Shige didn't really want this.
Shige grins at him slyly and it's all Ryo can do to not just jump him right now, but Shige is already backing away. “Fine”, he says again, “I'll just have to wait until I'm sober and prove to you that I mean it”.
Ryo smiles to himself and thinks that what will actually happen is that Shige will wake up with a monster hangover, and then be terribly embarrassed about what happened. He knows Shige that well by now. The thought makes him laugh and dispels some of the atmosphere. Shige is yawning and still dripping onto his floor.
Ryo fetches a towel and some clothes for Shige to sleep in. Shige strips off where he stands and Ryo has to avert his eyes like a virginal schoolgirl or something equally as stupid, and Shige just laughs at him. “Like what you see Nishikido-kun?” he laughs teasingly. “Why don't you take a look and see what you're missing out on?”
Ryo doesn't say anything, just stares at the wall like a prude and wonders when Shige turned into such a god-dam flirt. Shige walks past him, rubbing his hair dry with Ryo's towel and disappears into Ryo's bedroom. Wait, what?
“What are you doing?” Ryo asks him, confused. Shige laughs his response. “What, you expect me to sleep on the couch? It's tiny, I'll get cramp” he says as he climbs into bed. “So you expect me to sleep on the sofa in my own damn apartment?” he demands Shige.
“Well, we could always share”, Shige says, throwing back the covers and patting the empty space next to him, a grin on his face.
Ryo looks at Shige dressed in his clothes. Too short sweatpants and too tight T-shirt, Shige's hair now merely damp from the rain, wolfish smile on his face. And Ryo almost gives in. His body actually starts to move, to make that step towards the bed when in his head he hears those words again. I like girls Nishikido-kun.
Ryo swings himself around, and grabbing some bed clothes and a blanket from his wardrobe, he heads back into the living room. Shige is snoring before he's even out of the door.
Ryo picks up Shige's wet clothes and shoes from the floor and dumps the whole lot in his dryer. He grabs a mop and cleans up the water. He gets changed and crashes out on the sofa, the last thing he sees before closing his eyes is the half-empty bottle of now warm beer he'd been drinking when Shige has turned up unannounced.
He half-expects Shige to accost him while he's sleeping, and doesn't know if he'll be able to turn him down if only half-awake. Shige doesn't though, and Ryo is unsure whether he's relieved or disappointed by this.
*
Morning rolls around and Ryo is dressed and about to walk out the door when Shige shuffles out of the bedroom, his hair stuck up all over the place and looking like he'd been living in a crypt for the past week.
“Morning”, he groans, adding to Ryo's impression that Shige could star in a zombie flick right now, without any adjustment.
Just as Ryo had anticipated, Shige has the mother of all hangovers, which is not surprising since he'd apparently drunk Tokyo dry before getting the train to Osaka. “Morning”, he greets Shige as he's putting on his shoes. “There's coffee in the pot, rice in the cooker and some instant miso in the fridge. Anything else you'll have to buy yourself. There's painkillers in the bathroom cabinet. And a mirror in the bedroom. I'd say that last one should be your priority.”
Shige ignores all this and looks at Ryo with a sheepish expression on his face. “Look, about last night...” he starts. And there's the embarrassment and denial, Ryo thinks, rushing to interrupt Shige. “Forget it, I already have” Ryo says, before bidding Shige goodbye and running out the door.
*
It's early when Ryo heads home. About 8pm or so. Yasu had invited him out for a drink and Ryo had briefly considered it, thinking that a night out drinking sounded really good right now, especially after last night. He had decided against it for precisely that reason. If he went drinking right now he would probably blab all about it, and while Yasu was probably the best person in the world to talk about this sort of thing with, Ryo felt that the fewer people that knew about this the better.
Besides, Yasu would probably tell Subaru who would tell the rest of Kanjani, who would make it their mission to spread it around the jimusho. And then Shige would be mortified beyond compare and never speak to him again and the band would fall apart and Pi would blame him again, and he'd stop talking to Ryo. And of course, Pi would take Jin with him so Ryo would lose two of his best friends, along with his band, and it was basically better all round if he didn't go drinking with Yasu.
When he gets back in, he toes off his shoes and says a mechanical “I'm home” and then nearly jumps out of his skin when a quite “welcome back” is directed at him. He stares at Shige in puzzlement.
“Why are you still here?” he demands, and then winces as he realises how aggressive that sounded. “I mean, don't you have work?”, he tries again.
“Before I got on the train I called my manager and told her I wasn't feeling too well. She thinks I'm laid up with the flu. Koyama is covering for me” Shige explains. “Are you hungry?”
Before Ryo can answer Shige turns and walks into the kitchen. There's food on the table. Hot food, freshly cooked. `Ryo looks at Shige and says “I thought you couldn't cook?” to which Shige replies “I don't know where you heard that Nishikido-kun. I'm a very good cook. I just don't like cooking is all. But I had nothing better to do today, after I'd finished sleeping off my hangover, and I was hungry so decided to make something.”
Ryo just nods as he sits down and takes a bite of the pasta dish in front of him. “It's good!” he says and starts eating with relish, only just now realising how hungry he is. Shige doesn't say anything, just sits down and starts eating as well.
They eat in a silence that is comfortable and reminds Ryo of the day on the rooftop, before it all went downhill. When they're finished he takes the plates and puts them into the sink to soak, before grabbing two beers from the fridge and gesturing Shige through to the living room.
He puts the TV onto for some background noise, while he waits for Shige to tell him why he waited for Ryo to come home instead of jumping the first train home to Tokyo, like Ryo expected him to. Ryo has almost finished his beer and is contemplating getting another one when Shige finally speaks up.
“Thank you for stopping me last night”, he says making eye contact with Ryo. Ryo can feel the blush creeping up his neck and he just nods and smiles in reply. He just knows he'll do or say something stupid if he tries to use actual words and so he keeps his mouth firmly shut. He makes the universal sign for “don't worry, forget about it” and turns back to the dregs of his beer.
Shige, however, is not done talking. “I just wish I hadn't kissed you” he's saying, and Ryo makes a face. Even though he knew that's what Shige had been thinking, no one actually likes to hear someone say they regret kissing you. Especially when said person happens to be the one you're head-over-heels crazy in love with.
Shige stands up and pulls Ryo with him. Ryo notes that they're pretty much in the same place now as they were stood in last night, and he vaguely wonders if this was by design or purely a fluke on Shige's part.
Shige has his hands on Ryo's shoulders and is staring into Ryo's eyes. Ryo is finding it hard to breathe. “Ryo”, he says, and it's the first time in private that Shige has ever used his name. Shige is still speaking.
“Ryo, I think you're misunderstanding me. I'm glad you stopped me because I don't want our first time to be a drunken blur. I regret the kiss for the same reason. I'm not sorry though. That kiss was amazing” he's saying and Ryo thinks that something is wrong with his hearing because Shige obviously didn't just say what he thought he heard him say.
“I watched you all the time”, Shige is saying, “I couldn't stop myself from looking at you. I knew it was wrong and that I had to stop. You're a man and it was wrong, thinking of you that way. But then you told Koyama, and Koyama noticed me watching you and thought you were right. He tried to talk to me, to see if I was interested, but you know how Koyama is” Shige laughs at the memory of his friends “subtle” prying. “He ended up telling me everything, word for word. It freaked me out. I'd been trying so hard to forget about my feelings for you, to hear that you shared them and that it wasn't impossible between us... Well it scared me. I'd been trying to convince myself for ages that I was into girls. Somehow I managed to convince you of it far more easily.”
“I knew I shouldn't have fallen for that. You're too scared to even look at them. I don't know what I was thinking” Ryo is laughing, mentally latching onto the last sentence in Shige's statement as the rest of them were too much for him to wrap his head around.
“Shut up Ryo” Shige is laughing. His hands are now around Ryo's neck and somehow Ryo's hands are around Shige's waist and the gap between them is closing. “I'm trying to tell you that I like you.”
And all of a sudden Ryo hears it. Hears what Shige has been saying all along. That he feels the same as Ryo, but was just scared to admit it, even to himself. “I love you” he whispers, and Shige's face breaks out in a smile that lights up Ryo's heart. “I love you too” he manages to squeeze in, before their lips meet, and it's everything it was yesterday and more. Because now he knows that Shige feels the same way as him, knows that Shige loves him and isn't going to freak out about this.
He can taste beer and the remains of their dinner on Shige's breath, along with something that is purely Shige. He can smell him too and he breaks the kiss to nuzzle on Shige's neck as Shige runs his hands through Ryo's hair. Ryo sucks on the skin where Shige's neck meets his shoulders and Shige lets out a desperate whine.
Ryo pulls back to look him in the eye and grins. Shige growls in frustration and slips his hands down Ryo's chest and onto his belt buckle. “I'm completely sober now”, he says in a low voice that Ryo just loves, “so do you want to join me this time?” he asks, then turns around and walks into Ryo's bedroom shedding his clothes on the way.
Ryo stands there for a second, blinks, and then practically runs into his room and jumps on the bed. All the while grinning like a maniac.
*
They're lying in bed, sharing a cigarette between them, when Ryo asks Shige why he decided to travel all the way to Osaka when Ryo was due back in Tokyo in a few days time. “Couldn't wait any longer to jump my bones eh?” he asks, nudging Shige in the ribs like a perverted Grandma and cackling meanly. Shige just blushes.
“Well, that's kind of Koyama's fault”, he explains. “Like I said before, he'd noticed. How I stared at you I mean. And after that photoshoot he saw how I was reacting and took me out for dinner. He told me that I should be happy and that whatever I was doing now was making me miserable, so maybe it was time for a new direction.”
Ryo snorts, he can well imagine Koyama saying something this sappy. Shige explains everything that Koyama had said to him that night. How he'd said that it doesn't matter that they're both men, if they make each other happy. That you can't help who you fall in love with, and how he was obviously in love with Ryo, who was in love with him back, and they should make a go of it.
He explained how Koyama had decided there was no time like the present and that Shige should surprise Ryo in Osaka. How he'd come up with the idea of Shige “pulling a sickie” and how Koyama had basically all but physically manhandled Shige onto the train.
“He put you on a train in your condition?” Ryo asks him. Shige looks confused for a moment before answering. “Oh, that! No. I got nervous on the journey and thought I'd have a drink or two to calm my nerves. I guess I overdid it, huh?” he smiles.
Ryo takes a last drag on the cigarette before crushing it in the ashtray and smiling back at his now-boyfriend. “Just a little”, he says.
“And then when I got off the train it was raining so of course there were no taxis to be found anywhere, and to top it off I couldn't remember your address properly. I was wondering around for nearly an hour before I found
you” Shige says.
“At least you did find me in the end though” Ryo says softly, and then regrets it immediately when Shige starts laughing and calling him a sap.
*
Shige stands over Ryo and makes sure he apologises properly to Koyama. Predictably Koyama interrupts Ryo to start apologising himself - for interfering, for not keeping Ryo's secrets, for Yamapi's reactions to all this... The last one isn't even Koyama's fault, but he's somehow trying to take responsibility.
Ryo is embarrassed, and normally in this situation he'd accept the apology and run away. Fast. But Shige was very specific about what would happen if Ryo didn't do this properly and the thought of not being allowed to touch Shige for a whole week was sufficiently terrifying that he manages to squash down his embarrassment and cut Koyama off in what appears to be an apology for Ryo's height.
“Koyama”, he says and by some minor miracle Koyama actually shuts up, “I'm sorry that I didn't give you the chance to explain yourself. Koyama starts to reply, “that's OK Ryo-chan”, but Ryo won't let him let Ryo squirm out of this. “No it's not OK. You were just trying to do the best thing for all concerned, and you got roped were manipulated by this one here” - he points over his shoulder at Shige, who yells “hey!” and is promptly ignored - “I should have realised that you weren't trying to hurt me. I'm sorry for not trusting you”. And then he bows, shocking Koyama, who tries to pull him up, all the while squeaking “it's alright Ryo-chan! I forgive
you!”.
“You do?” Ryo asks, straightening up. At Koyama's happy grin he smiles and says “good, now about your 'interfering' and 'not keeping my secrets'...” Koyama's grin fades a few watts, but before he can say anything Ryo grabs at the little bag Shige had been hiding behind his back. Koyama looks a little confused, but takes the bag when it's proffered and confirms that it is indeed a Starbucks take-out bag, and inside is Koyama's favourite blueberry muffin. He looks up at Ryo like he's waiting for the punchline.
“Thank you”, Ryo explains. “If it hadn't been for you then....” he trails off as his embarrassment finally catches up with his and looks to Shige for help. But Shige is just staring at him with a goofy expression on his face and he can't help but return it. Koyama doesn't miss the look and asks them “so, are you two...?” “Yes”, they both reply. And Ryo kind of hates himself for how sickening they are, but it's OK because Shige feels the same way.
Koyama's squeal of joy is so loud that it wakes Massu, who was asleep on the other side of the room. He jerks awake, falling off of the sofa, and Tegoshi looks at Koyama to see what all the fuss is about. All he can see is Koyama squeezing Shige to death, while Shige complains about not being able to breathe and tries to break free. Ryo stands a bit further back, out of reach and laughing at Shige. Everything looks the same as usual to Tegoshi. He turns back to his magazine as Massu climbs back on the couch to finish his nap.
Yamapi rolls over in his sleep, having slept through all the noise. Yes, Tegoshi thinks to himself, everything is back to normal.
Pairing: Ryo/Shige
Warnings: none
Rating: PG
Ryo took a deep breath before flipping open his phone and dialling. Desperate times called for desperate measures after all. And Ryo was desperate. Very desperate. The call connected. “Koyama, it's me. I was wondering if you're free this evening at all? I've got something I need to talk to you about...”
*
They were sat in the back of a bar. Ryo had chosen it carefully. The background music was loud enough that passers-by would not be able to eavesdrop on them, but not so loud that they wouldn't be able to hear each other. In addition to this, it was dimly lit, and no one paid too much attention to the two idols sat drinking in a booth.
Koyama was on his fifth beer of the evening, while Ryo was still nursing his third. He had to get the timing just right. He needed to get Koyama drunk enough that he would spill the secret Ryo hoped he knew, while being sober enough himself that he could act appropriately. And manage to get Koyama home in one piece. He'd never hear the end of it if Koyama started his infamous drunken striptease in a public bar because he'd been out drinking with Ryo.
Koyama is halfway through a story about Shige that his best friend would be mortified to hear coming from his lips when Ryo thinks that maybe Koyama is at that point and this is his moment. “...so Shige is running around the hotel hallways panicking because he's naked, and then he... Ryo? Ryo, are you listening to me?” Koyama is saying, while waving his hand in front of Ryo's face like he's lost his vision.
“Yeah, sorry about that. So what happened next?” Ryo responds, mentally preparing himself while Koyama finishes his story.
“Talking about Shige”, he says once Koyama has finished his story, “do you happen to know if he likes someone at the moment?” he asks casually. Koyama just looks confused. Ryo sighs and grits his teeth. This is embarrassing but Koyama won't mock him for it. Thanking his lucky stars that it's Koyama he has to speak to and not Yamapi - or worse, it could be Jin - he tries again. “It's just that I'm pretty sure I've noticed him looking at someone recently, and was wondering what you knew about it.”
If possible Koyama looks more confused than before and Ryo starts to panic a little bit. Is it possible I've got this all wrong?
Koyama looks at him and asks “Why? Do you know someone who likes him? You should introduce them. I'm sure he'd be thrilled. You know how shy he gets around girls...” Koyama tails off and when Ryo meets his eyes Koyama is peering at him like he can read his damn brain.
“Oh my god”, Koyama breathes softly and his next sentence is so quite that Ryo wouldn't have heard it at all, if he hadn't been half expecting it. “You like him!”
Ryo freezes under Koyama's gaze. He wants to deny it, had thought that Koyama would be drunk and stupid by now, but although Koyama is drunk, he's not that drunk and he's anything but stupid and for how oblivious he can be, sometimes it's like he can see right inside you.
“I...” he starts, looking down at his hands, and then stops because he doesn't know what he can say. There's no point in denying it. Koyama will know anyway. But that doesn't mean he has to admit it. “I...” he says again, stupidly, but once again stops. This time because he raises his eyes to meet Koyama's and all he can see there is pity. It makes him freeze. “He's never said anything to me...” Koyama says to Ryo, probably trying to help. But all Ryo can hear is the unspoken ...and he would have.
Suddenly Ryo can't take it any more. He can't believe he's been so stupid. Can't believe that he read the situation so wrong. Can't believe that he'd wanted it so bad that he'd created a whole world in his head where Shige had wanted it too. Can't believe that he'd put himself through all of this, and for nothing.
Ryo is on his feet, scrambling backwards and grabbing for his jacket. He empties his wallet on the table, leaving enough money to pay for their drinks twice over with enough change to taxi Koyama home.
Then he's running. Running all the way home because he didn't keep any money for his own taxi ride and must get home and he's glad he doesn't live so far away from the bar and he must be out of shape because his chest hurts.
He makes it home just in time. The door latch clicks shut behind him just as the first tear falls down his face and the first sob wrack’s his body.
*
Two days later and he's at work, halfway through a photoshoot and trying to forget all about it. He'd made a mistake. Now he knows better. Everyone can get on with their lives. At least he'd tested the waters and found them to be cold before he'd dived right in and confessed his love. He grins to himself and takes a drag of his cigarette.
They'd gotten an unprecedented full hour break, as an essential piece of the photographers kit had broken and a replacement had to brought in from halfway across the city. Ryo was determined to enjoy it.
The roof door opens and Ryo turns to greet his bandmate. His stomach does a little flip when he realises it's Shige, but Ryo ignores it and lazily waves before turning back to the view. Shige walks up and stands at the edge of the rooftop looking out, a few feet away from Ryo. Ryo silently offers his pack of cigarettes which are wordlessly turned down and he shrugs as he puts them back in his pocket and extinguishes his own burnt out butt.
They stand in silence for a while, just listening to the sounds of the city. It's rare for them to have the chance to do this, stand and do nothing, and Ryo feels contended. It's a nice day, sunny but not too hot, and Ryo thinks that this day has kind of been a little bit perfect.
Ryo glances at his watch to see how much time they have left - lots, half an hour in fact - and the action seems to startle Shige, as though he expects to Ryo to run off. He turns to Ryo and in a quiet voice asks “can we talk?”.
Ryo looks at him and instantly his contented mood vanishes. Back is the horrible despair and stomach-churning terror that had occupied him all of the previous day, he should have know the 'perfect day' wouldn't last.
But, no. Koyama wouldn't do that to him would he? Yes, Shige is his best friend, but it's not like he needs to know, right? And Ryo and Koyama are friends as well, right? Close enough to go drinking together at least. In Ryo's world that means they're friends.
But obviously not in Koyama's, he thinks as Shige takes a deep breathe and tells him that he's spoken to Koyama and that he knows all about Ryo's feelings for him. Ryo can only stand there in amazement as the train wreck piles around him.
“I'm sorry Nishikido-kun”, Shige is saying “I can't return your feelings”. Ryo is frozen to the spot, blood rushing in his ears. He knows this, he knows it and Shige didn't have to come all the way up here to reject a confession that was never actually made. He opens his mouth to say this, to try and claw back some dignity from this whole mess. Except his mind is obviously far more broken that he's thought and dignity was far too overrated anyway, as what came out of his mind was a pathetic and rather pitiful “why?”.
Shige laid his hand on Ryo's shoulder, in an attempt to be kind and sympathetic. It just made Ryo flinch. Shige looked at him with pity and replied “because I like girls Nishikido-kun”.
*
The following week Ryo was seriously considering quitting NEWS. He'd spent the rest of his break and the photoshoot hiding from Koyama. He didn't want to hear the traitors explanations as to why he'd felt it necessary to humiliate Ryo like that. He'd also spent the photoshoot avoiding Shige, who seemed not too fond of the idea of being around Ryo either. Luckily for all concerned, Ryo had been paired up with Yamapi and Shige with Koyama so no awkward moments arose during shooting.
He'd been avoiding Koyama ever since, going so far as to have his phone screen calls from Koyama's number. Pi had tried to talk him round, but Ryo had just told him that since he didn't know what Koyama had done, he shouldn't try to defend him and instead should worry about his best friend, i.e. Ryo. Pi had retorted that obviously whatever Koyama had done it hadn't been meant in a malicious way, it was Koyama they were talking about, and Ryo needed to get over his sulk as between Ryo's feud with Koyama and whatever the hell was going on with Shige, half of the band wasn't speaking to each other and it was all Ryo's fault.
Ryo had gotten angry, yelled that there was nothing going on between him and Shige (leaving out the bit about this being part of the problem) and had kicked Pi out. He was currently also ignoring Pi, meaning that Ryo wasn't speaking to more than half his group.
Ryo sighed at his memories of the past 10 days and got a beer from his fridge. He'd had promo shots for his new drama today and he felt drained. More so than usual. He sat down on his sofa and downed half his bottle in one go. He'd hoped the exhaustion from work would clear his mind but that looked like a pipe dream. He sighed to himself again as his someone knocked on his door. Who's drunk and wants to crash out on my couch tonight then? he thought to himself as he stumbled to the door.
Ryo throws open the door and is about to bitch at the person on the other side of the door when his heart leaps into his mouth and all coherent thought leaves him, as the person standing on the other side of the door is Shige. Wet, angry Shige who looks for all the world like a cat who has been given a bath.
“You!”, Shige points and hisses angrily at him before barging past Ryo and stalking into his apartment, not even bothering to take his shoes off. Dumbly, Ryo lets him and shuts the door, before quickly peering out the window to confirm, yes, that it's raining.
“You!” Shige says again and Ryo still can't think of anything to say as Shige is in his apartment. Shige who has a radio show tomorrow in central Tokyo and Ryo who is in his apartment in Osaka.
Shige is still gesticulating wildly at him, although his vocabulary hasn't expanded at all. He stops, looks down at himself and seems to realise that he's wet. Soaking in fact, and is still wearing his shoes. Stopping to glare at Ryo one more time he pulls off his coat and shoes and flings them away from himself as though they personally offend him or something. He straightens up and that's when Ryo realises that Shige is drunk. Blind, stinking drunk.
“Oh god Shige, did you walk here from the station? No wonder you're soaking wet! How much have you had to drink?” Ryo questions him but is interrupted.
“Shut up! This is all your fault. You had to go and notice didn't you? You had to see what I didn't want you to see. What I didn't want anyone to see” Shige is ranting, pacing up and down in Ryo's living room. “And then you had to go to Koyama” - Shige says his best friends name like it's a disease - “and of course because it's Koyama he has to tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling and now that I know what you're thinking about it's just fucking there in my mind all the time...” Ryo is lost. Does Shige want him to apologise or something? Did he travel for four hours on a train blind drunk just to yell at Ryo?
All of a sudden Shige stops pacing and turns to face Ryo. “I've tried so hard”, his voice is quiet all of a sudden. And yet somehow it feels louder to Ryo, hits him harder than Shige's yelling did. “I tried to ignore it. To ignore you. But how can I now? How can I now that I know that you noticed? Now that I know you feel the same way?” and before Ryo can process what the hell is going on, Shige is kissing him.
Ryo is still confused and has no idea what's going on, but then Shige puts his tongue in Ryo's mouth and it's all he's ever wanted and he couldn't care less about anything else. He clutches at Shige's shoulders and kisses back fiercely.
Then Shige's hands are skirting along the top of his jeans and fumbling for his belt, and it's his Shige. His Shige who is clumsy. His Shige who lacks confidence. His Shige who he loves more than anything else in the world. His Shige who likes girls.
Ryo pulls back with a start and it's the hardest thing he's ever had to do. Shige is standing there, his turn to look confused, with water dripping down his hair, his face all flushed from the kissing and the alcohol and Ryo is disgusted with himself.
He was going to take advantage of his friend. His drunk, straight friend who is also a colleague. What the hell was wrong with him?
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Shige is asking, back to angry now. Ryo thinks Shige is psychic until his next question. “Why are you stopping me? I thought you wanted this? Wanted me?”
Ryo takes a deep breathe. Shige is hot, wet and angry. A lethal combination for man in love and ridiculously horny. His body protests the lack of contact, especially when it's right there and on offer. But Ryo knows that it would only lead to more heartache. And probably split their band up for good.
Shige is stepping into Ryo's personal space now, trying to touch him, to get him to touch Shige. Ryo manages to grab both of Shige's hand and hold them. Shige stops moving and just looks at him.
“I do, Shige. I do. But you don't. You're drunk. And you like girls. Remember? You told me so” Ryo tries to explain.
“I was just saying that!” Shige tries to butt it, but Ryo continues. “You're still drunk. You'll regret this in the morning.”
Shige just stares at him. “Fine”, he says, pulling his hands away from Ryo's. Ryo can't believe that Shige gave in that easily. It just proved him right, that Shige didn't really want this.
Shige grins at him slyly and it's all Ryo can do to not just jump him right now, but Shige is already backing away. “Fine”, he says again, “I'll just have to wait until I'm sober and prove to you that I mean it”.
Ryo smiles to himself and thinks that what will actually happen is that Shige will wake up with a monster hangover, and then be terribly embarrassed about what happened. He knows Shige that well by now. The thought makes him laugh and dispels some of the atmosphere. Shige is yawning and still dripping onto his floor.
Ryo fetches a towel and some clothes for Shige to sleep in. Shige strips off where he stands and Ryo has to avert his eyes like a virginal schoolgirl or something equally as stupid, and Shige just laughs at him. “Like what you see Nishikido-kun?” he laughs teasingly. “Why don't you take a look and see what you're missing out on?”
Ryo doesn't say anything, just stares at the wall like a prude and wonders when Shige turned into such a god-dam flirt. Shige walks past him, rubbing his hair dry with Ryo's towel and disappears into Ryo's bedroom. Wait, what?
“What are you doing?” Ryo asks him, confused. Shige laughs his response. “What, you expect me to sleep on the couch? It's tiny, I'll get cramp” he says as he climbs into bed. “So you expect me to sleep on the sofa in my own damn apartment?” he demands Shige.
“Well, we could always share”, Shige says, throwing back the covers and patting the empty space next to him, a grin on his face.
Ryo looks at Shige dressed in his clothes. Too short sweatpants and too tight T-shirt, Shige's hair now merely damp from the rain, wolfish smile on his face. And Ryo almost gives in. His body actually starts to move, to make that step towards the bed when in his head he hears those words again. I like girls Nishikido-kun.
Ryo swings himself around, and grabbing some bed clothes and a blanket from his wardrobe, he heads back into the living room. Shige is snoring before he's even out of the door.
Ryo picks up Shige's wet clothes and shoes from the floor and dumps the whole lot in his dryer. He grabs a mop and cleans up the water. He gets changed and crashes out on the sofa, the last thing he sees before closing his eyes is the half-empty bottle of now warm beer he'd been drinking when Shige has turned up unannounced.
He half-expects Shige to accost him while he's sleeping, and doesn't know if he'll be able to turn him down if only half-awake. Shige doesn't though, and Ryo is unsure whether he's relieved or disappointed by this.
*
Morning rolls around and Ryo is dressed and about to walk out the door when Shige shuffles out of the bedroom, his hair stuck up all over the place and looking like he'd been living in a crypt for the past week.
“Morning”, he groans, adding to Ryo's impression that Shige could star in a zombie flick right now, without any adjustment.
Just as Ryo had anticipated, Shige has the mother of all hangovers, which is not surprising since he'd apparently drunk Tokyo dry before getting the train to Osaka. “Morning”, he greets Shige as he's putting on his shoes. “There's coffee in the pot, rice in the cooker and some instant miso in the fridge. Anything else you'll have to buy yourself. There's painkillers in the bathroom cabinet. And a mirror in the bedroom. I'd say that last one should be your priority.”
Shige ignores all this and looks at Ryo with a sheepish expression on his face. “Look, about last night...” he starts. And there's the embarrassment and denial, Ryo thinks, rushing to interrupt Shige. “Forget it, I already have” Ryo says, before bidding Shige goodbye and running out the door.
*
It's early when Ryo heads home. About 8pm or so. Yasu had invited him out for a drink and Ryo had briefly considered it, thinking that a night out drinking sounded really good right now, especially after last night. He had decided against it for precisely that reason. If he went drinking right now he would probably blab all about it, and while Yasu was probably the best person in the world to talk about this sort of thing with, Ryo felt that the fewer people that knew about this the better.
Besides, Yasu would probably tell Subaru who would tell the rest of Kanjani, who would make it their mission to spread it around the jimusho. And then Shige would be mortified beyond compare and never speak to him again and the band would fall apart and Pi would blame him again, and he'd stop talking to Ryo. And of course, Pi would take Jin with him so Ryo would lose two of his best friends, along with his band, and it was basically better all round if he didn't go drinking with Yasu.
When he gets back in, he toes off his shoes and says a mechanical “I'm home” and then nearly jumps out of his skin when a quite “welcome back” is directed at him. He stares at Shige in puzzlement.
“Why are you still here?” he demands, and then winces as he realises how aggressive that sounded. “I mean, don't you have work?”, he tries again.
“Before I got on the train I called my manager and told her I wasn't feeling too well. She thinks I'm laid up with the flu. Koyama is covering for me” Shige explains. “Are you hungry?”
Before Ryo can answer Shige turns and walks into the kitchen. There's food on the table. Hot food, freshly cooked. `Ryo looks at Shige and says “I thought you couldn't cook?” to which Shige replies “I don't know where you heard that Nishikido-kun. I'm a very good cook. I just don't like cooking is all. But I had nothing better to do today, after I'd finished sleeping off my hangover, and I was hungry so decided to make something.”
Ryo just nods as he sits down and takes a bite of the pasta dish in front of him. “It's good!” he says and starts eating with relish, only just now realising how hungry he is. Shige doesn't say anything, just sits down and starts eating as well.
They eat in a silence that is comfortable and reminds Ryo of the day on the rooftop, before it all went downhill. When they're finished he takes the plates and puts them into the sink to soak, before grabbing two beers from the fridge and gesturing Shige through to the living room.
He puts the TV onto for some background noise, while he waits for Shige to tell him why he waited for Ryo to come home instead of jumping the first train home to Tokyo, like Ryo expected him to. Ryo has almost finished his beer and is contemplating getting another one when Shige finally speaks up.
“Thank you for stopping me last night”, he says making eye contact with Ryo. Ryo can feel the blush creeping up his neck and he just nods and smiles in reply. He just knows he'll do or say something stupid if he tries to use actual words and so he keeps his mouth firmly shut. He makes the universal sign for “don't worry, forget about it” and turns back to the dregs of his beer.
Shige, however, is not done talking. “I just wish I hadn't kissed you” he's saying, and Ryo makes a face. Even though he knew that's what Shige had been thinking, no one actually likes to hear someone say they regret kissing you. Especially when said person happens to be the one you're head-over-heels crazy in love with.
Shige stands up and pulls Ryo with him. Ryo notes that they're pretty much in the same place now as they were stood in last night, and he vaguely wonders if this was by design or purely a fluke on Shige's part.
Shige has his hands on Ryo's shoulders and is staring into Ryo's eyes. Ryo is finding it hard to breathe. “Ryo”, he says, and it's the first time in private that Shige has ever used his name. Shige is still speaking.
“Ryo, I think you're misunderstanding me. I'm glad you stopped me because I don't want our first time to be a drunken blur. I regret the kiss for the same reason. I'm not sorry though. That kiss was amazing” he's saying and Ryo thinks that something is wrong with his hearing because Shige obviously didn't just say what he thought he heard him say.
“I watched you all the time”, Shige is saying, “I couldn't stop myself from looking at you. I knew it was wrong and that I had to stop. You're a man and it was wrong, thinking of you that way. But then you told Koyama, and Koyama noticed me watching you and thought you were right. He tried to talk to me, to see if I was interested, but you know how Koyama is” Shige laughs at the memory of his friends “subtle” prying. “He ended up telling me everything, word for word. It freaked me out. I'd been trying so hard to forget about my feelings for you, to hear that you shared them and that it wasn't impossible between us... Well it scared me. I'd been trying to convince myself for ages that I was into girls. Somehow I managed to convince you of it far more easily.”
“I knew I shouldn't have fallen for that. You're too scared to even look at them. I don't know what I was thinking” Ryo is laughing, mentally latching onto the last sentence in Shige's statement as the rest of them were too much for him to wrap his head around.
“Shut up Ryo” Shige is laughing. His hands are now around Ryo's neck and somehow Ryo's hands are around Shige's waist and the gap between them is closing. “I'm trying to tell you that I like you.”
And all of a sudden Ryo hears it. Hears what Shige has been saying all along. That he feels the same as Ryo, but was just scared to admit it, even to himself. “I love you” he whispers, and Shige's face breaks out in a smile that lights up Ryo's heart. “I love you too” he manages to squeeze in, before their lips meet, and it's everything it was yesterday and more. Because now he knows that Shige feels the same way as him, knows that Shige loves him and isn't going to freak out about this.
He can taste beer and the remains of their dinner on Shige's breath, along with something that is purely Shige. He can smell him too and he breaks the kiss to nuzzle on Shige's neck as Shige runs his hands through Ryo's hair. Ryo sucks on the skin where Shige's neck meets his shoulders and Shige lets out a desperate whine.
Ryo pulls back to look him in the eye and grins. Shige growls in frustration and slips his hands down Ryo's chest and onto his belt buckle. “I'm completely sober now”, he says in a low voice that Ryo just loves, “so do you want to join me this time?” he asks, then turns around and walks into Ryo's bedroom shedding his clothes on the way.
Ryo stands there for a second, blinks, and then practically runs into his room and jumps on the bed. All the while grinning like a maniac.
*
They're lying in bed, sharing a cigarette between them, when Ryo asks Shige why he decided to travel all the way to Osaka when Ryo was due back in Tokyo in a few days time. “Couldn't wait any longer to jump my bones eh?” he asks, nudging Shige in the ribs like a perverted Grandma and cackling meanly. Shige just blushes.
“Well, that's kind of Koyama's fault”, he explains. “Like I said before, he'd noticed. How I stared at you I mean. And after that photoshoot he saw how I was reacting and took me out for dinner. He told me that I should be happy and that whatever I was doing now was making me miserable, so maybe it was time for a new direction.”
Ryo snorts, he can well imagine Koyama saying something this sappy. Shige explains everything that Koyama had said to him that night. How he'd said that it doesn't matter that they're both men, if they make each other happy. That you can't help who you fall in love with, and how he was obviously in love with Ryo, who was in love with him back, and they should make a go of it.
He explained how Koyama had decided there was no time like the present and that Shige should surprise Ryo in Osaka. How he'd come up with the idea of Shige “pulling a sickie” and how Koyama had basically all but physically manhandled Shige onto the train.
“He put you on a train in your condition?” Ryo asks him. Shige looks confused for a moment before answering. “Oh, that! No. I got nervous on the journey and thought I'd have a drink or two to calm my nerves. I guess I overdid it, huh?” he smiles.
Ryo takes a last drag on the cigarette before crushing it in the ashtray and smiling back at his now-boyfriend. “Just a little”, he says.
“And then when I got off the train it was raining so of course there were no taxis to be found anywhere, and to top it off I couldn't remember your address properly. I was wondering around for nearly an hour before I found
you” Shige says.
“At least you did find me in the end though” Ryo says softly, and then regrets it immediately when Shige starts laughing and calling him a sap.
*
Shige stands over Ryo and makes sure he apologises properly to Koyama. Predictably Koyama interrupts Ryo to start apologising himself - for interfering, for not keeping Ryo's secrets, for Yamapi's reactions to all this... The last one isn't even Koyama's fault, but he's somehow trying to take responsibility.
Ryo is embarrassed, and normally in this situation he'd accept the apology and run away. Fast. But Shige was very specific about what would happen if Ryo didn't do this properly and the thought of not being allowed to touch Shige for a whole week was sufficiently terrifying that he manages to squash down his embarrassment and cut Koyama off in what appears to be an apology for Ryo's height.
“Koyama”, he says and by some minor miracle Koyama actually shuts up, “I'm sorry that I didn't give you the chance to explain yourself. Koyama starts to reply, “that's OK Ryo-chan”, but Ryo won't let him let Ryo squirm out of this. “No it's not OK. You were just trying to do the best thing for all concerned, and you got roped were manipulated by this one here” - he points over his shoulder at Shige, who yells “hey!” and is promptly ignored - “I should have realised that you weren't trying to hurt me. I'm sorry for not trusting you”. And then he bows, shocking Koyama, who tries to pull him up, all the while squeaking “it's alright Ryo-chan! I forgive
you!”.
“You do?” Ryo asks, straightening up. At Koyama's happy grin he smiles and says “good, now about your 'interfering' and 'not keeping my secrets'...” Koyama's grin fades a few watts, but before he can say anything Ryo grabs at the little bag Shige had been hiding behind his back. Koyama looks a little confused, but takes the bag when it's proffered and confirms that it is indeed a Starbucks take-out bag, and inside is Koyama's favourite blueberry muffin. He looks up at Ryo like he's waiting for the punchline.
“Thank you”, Ryo explains. “If it hadn't been for you then....” he trails off as his embarrassment finally catches up with his and looks to Shige for help. But Shige is just staring at him with a goofy expression on his face and he can't help but return it. Koyama doesn't miss the look and asks them “so, are you two...?” “Yes”, they both reply. And Ryo kind of hates himself for how sickening they are, but it's OK because Shige feels the same way.
Koyama's squeal of joy is so loud that it wakes Massu, who was asleep on the other side of the room. He jerks awake, falling off of the sofa, and Tegoshi looks at Koyama to see what all the fuss is about. All he can see is Koyama squeezing Shige to death, while Shige complains about not being able to breathe and tries to break free. Ryo stands a bit further back, out of reach and laughing at Shige. Everything looks the same as usual to Tegoshi. He turns back to his magazine as Massu climbs back on the couch to finish his nap.
Yamapi rolls over in his sleep, having slept through all the noise. Yes, Tegoshi thinks to himself, everything is back to normal.