(Untitled)

[stoptouchingme]

Type your cut contents here.     Adam Forester was enrolled at John Wilkes Booth University.  He had the bizarre ability, Adam that is, not John Wilkes Booth, although I’ve heard he was a fine actor.  Let me clarify; Adam Forester had the bizarre ability to suspend things in midair, without the aid of strings or any other apparatus.  When strangers

Comments

[aaaaction]

I read it Zac!

[stoptouchingme]

well whatd you think about it erika?

[aaaaction]

I like it. Especially the line about people thinking the building looks like the great pyramids but not knowing why, just because it was built by the ancestors of the builders of the great pyramids.
& the parts about him liking giggling.
The repetition of... well everything makes it feel like the readers going around in circles, which is a bit frustrating but it works because thats empathy.
On a technicle note, make sure you check spelling a few times. You also made a few mistakes along the lines of typing "of" instead of "to" & that sort of thing or writing "in the in the".

[stoptouchingme]

ah wonderful. thank you. what i need most at this point aside from general feel of the story is grammatical errors. things im more likely to overlook a few times but someone else will catch the first time. thank you very much.

[dbittey]

well i've been trying to read it and every fucking time i sit down to take fifteen minutes someone comes up to me with something to do. so i've odne the next best thing
i've printed it out, and i'll read it tonight to give you a full critique tomorrow.

[stoptouchingme]

thanks a ton man

[dbittey]

i had some really good syntax errors and a couple flow mistakes, but i forgot them. i didn't even get to sit down yesterday until i went to sleep.
but yea

i enjoyed the story otherwise. when i look back to it all i can really think of is this hoopeless character wandering through the depths of an oversized brain fuck of a maze.
i love the end where every punctuation mark would be a different council memeber talking, great idea.

one thing i have to ask you though. what is the overall idea you are trying to convey with this piece? are you trying to make a generalization on the way most of the school systems are set up today, or are you just trying to create a comically tragic fictional school?

either way i enjoyed the piece. good job.

[stoptouchingme]

what im going for is a statement about bureaucracies and the way that systems work. im sort of torn between giving the character a solid personality or leaving him hanging in the machine like a number you know? if i do give him a personality, which seems to be the general opinion, i think itll be some semi-harmless attempt at being a trouble maker, but being shot down at every turn. like hes trying to act against the system and bureaucracy, but its just much to strong and makes all his poetic acts of destruction hopelessly futile.

[j_ronnie_mo]

I like the pyramid builder indiana jones stuff too. I think the repition stuff is good but its so constant that it gets old to read. I think the solution is to put a tiny event in between the dealings with bureaucracy. When the guy peeled the tax form off his shoe and filled it oout is a perfect example. When he's walking from place to place he could have an interaction with someone that he's seen on a frequent basis. Or someone he knows. Some other character besides the main basically. It doesnt have to be a long interaction just a paragraph and then off to the next help desk. That'll break up the flow and make it have a more readable rythm. I like the hedge maze. and basically all the ideas are good but without little interesting things happening in the admin building, the string of little chores is too monotone. Have him notice something interesting at each place, or pick up a magazine while he's waiting and say something satyrical or something. You can think of what to do, but you know sometimes things happen in admin buildings

[stoptouchingme]

see its all a real tough call. for one, the story is more about the university than it is about adam forester, which makes it hard to build him as a character because it sorta detracts from the real main character. i do like the idea of breaking the flow, because i had a big worry about the repitition being too overbearing. the thign with the feet is more the narrator than adam forester. he had no idea how far hes walking, its all the narrator that knows these things. i had advice from cameron to get rid of the narrative interjections, so at this point, aside from grammar, the real big question is what to do with the narrator. i realize this only touches on a few of the thigns you tried to discuss, but its late, and hopefully thsi minidiscussion will continue long enough to resolve issues. also, this thing is due on wednesday.

[awmills]

I agree a lot with the Ronnie Mo person. This story has such great imagery and style, and I love the ending, but from a reader's perspective, the middle section is definitely a bit tedious. My suggestion for you is that you think about what you are saying when you say that the story is more about the university than it is about Adam

[anonymous]

post something, man!