A fake character application, just for the hell of it.
The following entry is not real, if it were then it probably would have earned the player a +10 bludgeon to death critical by rulebook to head.
I present for your edification, and hidden behind a LJ Cut tag to preserve the sanity of my freinds list.
Player: So I had this idea about an assassin, no one has ever had this before...I think it's totally cool and it rocks, can I run the idea past you?
GM: Er, sure, yeah Ok?
Player: Ok, first of all I was thinking on a name. Nighthunter, Stalkerkiller or something that wouldn't tip people off that he was an assassin. I know, like, Death-hand? What do you think of that?
GM: I...well...I...did you just say Death-hand?
Player: Yeah, isn't it cool...wait until you hear the rest!
GM: My enthusiasm grows every moment of the telling, please do continue the...loud noise you can hear that sounds like a thousand angry wasps, would not be my brain switching off into sleep mode.
Player: Ok, costume. He's going to be a black guy and he'll wear white. No one will guess he's an assassin that way either, and he'll have a special handshake for other assassins.
GM: So he's black, but he'll wear white. And this is different from how many other stale and over-used concepts?
Player: Because he's like black, cause he's a dark elf, you know drow?
GM: Oh dear god, excuse me. I think my stomach just tried to leap up my throat and evacuate out of my nose.
Player: I haven't gotten to the best part yet, the part where I tell you his background...Ok, so he's the son of a demon lord who was imprisoned in a block of ice for ten thousand years because he was too nice to one woman, he married her and they had this dark elf baby called Death-hand.
GM: You aren't a fan of Bob Salvatore are you?
Player: So Death-hand trained to be a fighter-monk-druid-thief-assassin-bard multiclass, his eyes change according to his mood and his hair does too. If he's angry he starts to smoke and fire comes out of his ass.
GM: Erm...
Player: His father's blood is cursed you see, because when he gets angry or aroused smoke comes out of his ass.
GM: Right...
Player: So after he took three years to learn all that stuff, a bunch of surface elves came in and rapped him.
GM: MC Hammer style?
Player: No you know, they had sex with him and rapped him.
GM: Eminem style then?
Player: Whatever!
GM: Do go on?
Player: There were a lot of them, like a thousand rappist elves and they did that for a year. This is why he now fights as an assassin, to rid the world of rappist elves and any elf that crosses his path he kills with his two swords, gifts from his father. They're called Blinky and Twinky.
GM: Sorry...but I sort of lost you after the rapper elves part.
Player: So Blinky can like make him super immortal but he does have a weakness, he doesn't like rappist elves and if a rappist elf touches him. He becomes weak and only an elf born of a certain tree can kill him. Twinky shines like a star and plays bad 80's music to scare off his foes, it can also cut through stone and chop through metal. He daren't cross the two swords because if he does then the world will end.
GM: ......
Player: We wears super absorbant lather armour so he doesn't have to pee, he can like open a tap and the pee comes out of his foot, like on a beer keg.
GM: Oh for god's sake TMI...man...TMI!
Player: Hey, I am a grate roleplayer...I'll have you know that I research all my characters before I play them, he's based on a hardly ever heard of Babylonian God of combat and sex appeal, did I mention he has pherognomes that attract members of the opposite sex?
GM: Phero-whats? Tiny gnomes that prance around him beckoning young women to come to his side?
Player: No, you know pherognomes, my biology tutors told me that they make woman go wild and they're cool.
GM: Like Def Leppard in the 80's, all that mad hair and spandex?
Player: So do you think I can have him, I mean you don't have to alter your game much for me to play him, he's really not all that powerful. Oh I forgot, he has a pet cat that can kill Gods with it's eyes, it shoots like laser beams out of them and if a God fails its save Vs. Cat's gaze which is DC like 10000 then they die. And he inherits all their power, see, told you it's not powerful at all!
GM: The word, game balance is just not in your dictionary is it?
Player: Hey I learned at the feet of Gary Gygax...
GM: Ah...that explains it, the short answer: IS no!
Player: So I can't have the character?
GM: What part of no did you not understand?
Player: The part where you don't bow to my experience and leetness.
GM: Go away before I am forced to hurt you!
I present for your edification, and hidden behind a LJ Cut tag to preserve the sanity of my freinds list.
Player: So I had this idea about an assassin, no one has ever had this before...I think it's totally cool and it rocks, can I run the idea past you?
GM: Er, sure, yeah Ok?
Player: Ok, first of all I was thinking on a name. Nighthunter, Stalkerkiller or something that wouldn't tip people off that he was an assassin. I know, like, Death-hand? What do you think of that?
GM: I...well...I...did you just say Death-hand?
Player: Yeah, isn't it cool...wait until you hear the rest!
GM: My enthusiasm grows every moment of the telling, please do continue the...loud noise you can hear that sounds like a thousand angry wasps, would not be my brain switching off into sleep mode.
Player: Ok, costume. He's going to be a black guy and he'll wear white. No one will guess he's an assassin that way either, and he'll have a special handshake for other assassins.
GM: So he's black, but he'll wear white. And this is different from how many other stale and over-used concepts?
Player: Because he's like black, cause he's a dark elf, you know drow?
GM: Oh dear god, excuse me. I think my stomach just tried to leap up my throat and evacuate out of my nose.
Player: I haven't gotten to the best part yet, the part where I tell you his background...Ok, so he's the son of a demon lord who was imprisoned in a block of ice for ten thousand years because he was too nice to one woman, he married her and they had this dark elf baby called Death-hand.
GM: You aren't a fan of Bob Salvatore are you?
Player: So Death-hand trained to be a fighter-monk-druid-thief-assassin-bard multiclass, his eyes change according to his mood and his hair does too. If he's angry he starts to smoke and fire comes out of his ass.
GM: Erm...
Player: His father's blood is cursed you see, because when he gets angry or aroused smoke comes out of his ass.
GM: Right...
Player: So after he took three years to learn all that stuff, a bunch of surface elves came in and rapped him.
GM: MC Hammer style?
Player: No you know, they had sex with him and rapped him.
GM: Eminem style then?
Player: Whatever!
GM: Do go on?
Player: There were a lot of them, like a thousand rappist elves and they did that for a year. This is why he now fights as an assassin, to rid the world of rappist elves and any elf that crosses his path he kills with his two swords, gifts from his father. They're called Blinky and Twinky.
GM: Sorry...but I sort of lost you after the rapper elves part.
Player: So Blinky can like make him super immortal but he does have a weakness, he doesn't like rappist elves and if a rappist elf touches him. He becomes weak and only an elf born of a certain tree can kill him. Twinky shines like a star and plays bad 80's music to scare off his foes, it can also cut through stone and chop through metal. He daren't cross the two swords because if he does then the world will end.
GM: ......
Player: We wears super absorbant lather armour so he doesn't have to pee, he can like open a tap and the pee comes out of his foot, like on a beer keg.
GM: Oh for god's sake TMI...man...TMI!
Player: Hey, I am a grate roleplayer...I'll have you know that I research all my characters before I play them, he's based on a hardly ever heard of Babylonian God of combat and sex appeal, did I mention he has pherognomes that attract members of the opposite sex?
GM: Phero-whats? Tiny gnomes that prance around him beckoning young women to come to his side?
Player: No, you know pherognomes, my biology tutors told me that they make woman go wild and they're cool.
GM: Like Def Leppard in the 80's, all that mad hair and spandex?
Player: So do you think I can have him, I mean you don't have to alter your game much for me to play him, he's really not all that powerful. Oh I forgot, he has a pet cat that can kill Gods with it's eyes, it shoots like laser beams out of them and if a God fails its save Vs. Cat's gaze which is DC like 10000 then they die. And he inherits all their power, see, told you it's not powerful at all!
GM: The word, game balance is just not in your dictionary is it?
Player: Hey I learned at the feet of Gary Gygax...
GM: Ah...that explains it, the short answer: IS no!
Player: So I can't have the character?
GM: What part of no did you not understand?
Player: The part where you don't bow to my experience and leetness.
GM: Go away before I am forced to hurt you!