[sunday_reveries] Think Before Speaking
"And there are other memories, still looking for
something to bite,
like fierce, unsatisfied teeth.
They gnaw us to the last bone, devouring
the long silence of all that lies behind us."
-Pablo Neruda
As soon as he was out of work, Jake went to Aaron's apartment. He pounded on the door. "Yo, Aaron, lemme in." Jake was annoyed. Worried, and annoyed.
The door swung open and Aaron looked out at him. "Dude. What?"
Jake took in Aaron's clean shirt, jeans, and showered hair. "Goin' out?"
"That was the plan," Aaron nodded and turned to walk back into the apartment. Jake followed.
"Mind if we talk a minute?"
"Bout what?" Aaron sat down to pull his shoes on.
"Felicity."
Aaron glanced up through his bangs, his brows up. "What about her?"
"What'd you do?"
"Nothin'." He pushed his hair off his face and sighed at the look Jake was giving him. "Nothin'! If I did...hell if I know what."
"Yeah, Grace doesn't know either, but Felicity's upset about somethin' and it's somethin' to do with you. So how about you pretend you're a normal person with human emotions and think back?"
Aaron glared mildly at that, but shrugged it off. "She left me a message sayin' she's gonna be busy for awhile. Didn't call her back."
"And before that?"
Aaron chewed on his bottom lip as he thought that over. "We were talkin' 'bout sex. What else?"
Jake closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. "What'd you say?"
"I don't know! We were talkin' about games..shit like that...she asked me if I trusted her, I said no, she got all quiet-"
"Idiot."
"What?" Aaron looked over at Jake blankly.
"You told her you didn't trust her?"
Aaron shrugged. "Why should I? I don't really know her."
Jake's jaw set tightly, and his hand pushed back through his hair. "Lemme fill you in on somethin' Aaron. With normal people? Not trustin' someone you're sleepin' with, not trustin' a friend, that's bad. Because normal people take that as meanin' you distrust them."
"I didn't say that though," Aaron frowned. "I don't distrust her. I just don't trust her."
"Your mind would facinate a psychologist, you realize this, right?" Jake shook his head. "Look, I know things are meant differently in your head than with everyone else. I get it, okay? What you mean is that you're...ambivalent to trustin' her. You're not a trustin' guy, and it takes a lot for you to give that to someone. But it doesn't mean you don't trust her. That about right?"
Aaron ran that through his mind and nodded. "Isn't that what I said?"
"I don't know what the hell you said, man, but I'm guessin' all she heard was that you distrust her. And that ain't good."
"So....she's pissed at me?"
Oh Aaron. Jake sighed. "I don't know. I'm guessin' she's hurt." Jake stood and swept both hands back through his hair, leaving them on his head for a moment as he let out a rough breath. "Damnit, Aaron. You weren't supposed to fuck this up. Not yet."
"Hey! I didn't! Just cuz she assumed I meant one thing-"
"But that's just it!" Jake swung around to face his best friend. "You don't think! You just-not everyone out there knows you like I do. If you actually want friends? You gotta think about what you're sayin', and you gotta consider other people's feelings. I know that's hard and all, seein' as how you hardly have any, but-"
"Fuck off," Aaron muttered. He got to his feet and moved to grab his motorcycle keys. "Look, you wanna take the side of your woman's sister, fine. Don't give me shit about this. I can't help that Felicity got all emotional. She wasn't supposed to."
"I'm not takin' sides, Aaron!"
"Then what is this?!" Aaron glared over at Jake. "Cuz it sure as hell looks like you're lecturin' me on fuckin' up, even though I didn't know what the hell I was sayin'!"
"I'm not-!" Jake took a deep breath and let it out, before speaking more calmly. "I'm just...sayin' I told you so. I knew you couldn't do this and not-...I don't care what the hell you do, but you straighten this out before the wedding."
"Right, sorry. Wouldn't wanna fuck up your perfect day."
"No. You don't," Jake said with a glare. "Cuz it ain't my day, it's Grace's, and I don't care who is causin' the trouble. It's gonna be a smooth day. Got it?"
"Yeah, got it. Maybe you should just un-invite me. Find a more 'normal' best man. Hell, why don't I just leave you alone all together. I'd really hate to fuck up your marriage, too." Aaron headed for the door and stormed out, slamming it shut behind himself.
Jake was after him in an instant, calling him the whole way down the stairs. "Damnit, Aaron...Aaron, wait up and talk t'me." He caught Aaron in the back parking lot by Aaron's bike. "Dude, I wasn't sayin'-"
"No, I get it. You're the good one. You're the normal one. You want a normal life with a normal marriage, normal future....Can't really have that with me in the picture, best I'm not in it." Aaron hiked a leg over his bike and strapped his helmet. "Have a fucking perfect, normal night, Pan." Then Aaron cranked on the bike's engine and took off, leaving Jake behind with the smell of burnt tire.
Jake lowered his face into his hand. That was not how that was supposed to go. Not at all. Maybe he was the one who needed to think before speaking, and remember that despite the bravado, Aaron did have feelings that could get hurt by the few people he let in. Or maybe the only person. Jake never could tell.
His head hung as he walked towards his car. He just wanted to go home, have a beer, and curl up with his fiancee.
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something to bite,
like fierce, unsatisfied teeth.
They gnaw us to the last bone, devouring
the long silence of all that lies behind us."
-Pablo Neruda
As soon as he was out of work, Jake went to Aaron's apartment. He pounded on the door. "Yo, Aaron, lemme in." Jake was annoyed. Worried, and annoyed.
The door swung open and Aaron looked out at him. "Dude. What?"
Jake took in Aaron's clean shirt, jeans, and showered hair. "Goin' out?"
"That was the plan," Aaron nodded and turned to walk back into the apartment. Jake followed.
"Mind if we talk a minute?"
"Bout what?" Aaron sat down to pull his shoes on.
"Felicity."
Aaron glanced up through his bangs, his brows up. "What about her?"
"What'd you do?"
"Nothin'." He pushed his hair off his face and sighed at the look Jake was giving him. "Nothin'! If I did...hell if I know what."
"Yeah, Grace doesn't know either, but Felicity's upset about somethin' and it's somethin' to do with you. So how about you pretend you're a normal person with human emotions and think back?"
Aaron glared mildly at that, but shrugged it off. "She left me a message sayin' she's gonna be busy for awhile. Didn't call her back."
"And before that?"
Aaron chewed on his bottom lip as he thought that over. "We were talkin' 'bout sex. What else?"
Jake closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. "What'd you say?"
"I don't know! We were talkin' about games..shit like that...she asked me if I trusted her, I said no, she got all quiet-"
"Idiot."
"What?" Aaron looked over at Jake blankly.
"You told her you didn't trust her?"
Aaron shrugged. "Why should I? I don't really know her."
Jake's jaw set tightly, and his hand pushed back through his hair. "Lemme fill you in on somethin' Aaron. With normal people? Not trustin' someone you're sleepin' with, not trustin' a friend, that's bad. Because normal people take that as meanin' you distrust them."
"I didn't say that though," Aaron frowned. "I don't distrust her. I just don't trust her."
"Your mind would facinate a psychologist, you realize this, right?" Jake shook his head. "Look, I know things are meant differently in your head than with everyone else. I get it, okay? What you mean is that you're...ambivalent to trustin' her. You're not a trustin' guy, and it takes a lot for you to give that to someone. But it doesn't mean you don't trust her. That about right?"
Aaron ran that through his mind and nodded. "Isn't that what I said?"
"I don't know what the hell you said, man, but I'm guessin' all she heard was that you distrust her. And that ain't good."
"So....she's pissed at me?"
Oh Aaron. Jake sighed. "I don't know. I'm guessin' she's hurt." Jake stood and swept both hands back through his hair, leaving them on his head for a moment as he let out a rough breath. "Damnit, Aaron. You weren't supposed to fuck this up. Not yet."
"Hey! I didn't! Just cuz she assumed I meant one thing-"
"But that's just it!" Jake swung around to face his best friend. "You don't think! You just-not everyone out there knows you like I do. If you actually want friends? You gotta think about what you're sayin', and you gotta consider other people's feelings. I know that's hard and all, seein' as how you hardly have any, but-"
"Fuck off," Aaron muttered. He got to his feet and moved to grab his motorcycle keys. "Look, you wanna take the side of your woman's sister, fine. Don't give me shit about this. I can't help that Felicity got all emotional. She wasn't supposed to."
"I'm not takin' sides, Aaron!"
"Then what is this?!" Aaron glared over at Jake. "Cuz it sure as hell looks like you're lecturin' me on fuckin' up, even though I didn't know what the hell I was sayin'!"
"I'm not-!" Jake took a deep breath and let it out, before speaking more calmly. "I'm just...sayin' I told you so. I knew you couldn't do this and not-...I don't care what the hell you do, but you straighten this out before the wedding."
"Right, sorry. Wouldn't wanna fuck up your perfect day."
"No. You don't," Jake said with a glare. "Cuz it ain't my day, it's Grace's, and I don't care who is causin' the trouble. It's gonna be a smooth day. Got it?"
"Yeah, got it. Maybe you should just un-invite me. Find a more 'normal' best man. Hell, why don't I just leave you alone all together. I'd really hate to fuck up your marriage, too." Aaron headed for the door and stormed out, slamming it shut behind himself.
Jake was after him in an instant, calling him the whole way down the stairs. "Damnit, Aaron...Aaron, wait up and talk t'me." He caught Aaron in the back parking lot by Aaron's bike. "Dude, I wasn't sayin'-"
"No, I get it. You're the good one. You're the normal one. You want a normal life with a normal marriage, normal future....Can't really have that with me in the picture, best I'm not in it." Aaron hiked a leg over his bike and strapped his helmet. "Have a fucking perfect, normal night, Pan." Then Aaron cranked on the bike's engine and took off, leaving Jake behind with the smell of burnt tire.
Jake lowered his face into his hand. That was not how that was supposed to go. Not at all. Maybe he was the one who needed to think before speaking, and remember that despite the bravado, Aaron did have feelings that could get hurt by the few people he let in. Or maybe the only person. Jake never could tell.
His head hung as he walked towards his car. He just wanted to go home, have a beer, and curl up with his fiancee.
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