KHR: Too Much Inbreeding Leads to Ruin (Jil/Bel/Fran)
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Crack
Summary: What the title says.
Crack fic based entirely on chapter 222. Title and crass humor is all the fault of Gintama. >_>
Too Much Inbreeding Leads to Ruin
"And that's how I obtained everlasting victory," Bel finished telling his teammate with the ridiculous hat, looking all too pleased with himself.
He had probably told his version of the story to himself so many times, he now actually believed that's how it happened. Jil would need to correct that delusion.
"In reality, Bel wasn't trying to kill me that day, so much as he was trying to top me."
"...top you?" Fran repeated with a quick side glance at Bel. "Senpai, I didn't realize you had that sort of despicable interest."
"I don't," Bel snapped, peeved. "Stop spewing your lies before this idiot takes you seriously."
"Shishishi. A true prince doesn't lie! But poor Bel, you were born to bottom. You knew you wouldn't be able to take me head-on. So that day, you put a large amount of laxatives in my drink. What a genius plan," Jil mocked. "Didn't you stop to think that maybe it would be counterproductive to your efforts to seme?"
Fran looked mildly disgusted.
"That day, you forced me to eat worm-infested mud. Didn't you stop to think that my continuous puking would hinder your efforts to make me blow you?" Bel shot back.
"Olgert told me that mud worked as an aphrodisiac," Jil sighed. "How was I supposed to know it would only make you sick?"
The two princes and Fran turned to Olgert, who looked decidedly unapologetic.
"I was feeling vindictive because Bel-sama had cut up my face the previous week," Olgert explained.
"See!" Jil said with satisfaction. "Not my fault! Besides, there were no worms in that mud."
"Oh but there was. One tiny, shrivelly, wriggling worm. Shishishi, so disgusting~"
"We're identical twins. We're the same size," Jil scowled, offended at the jab.
"Shishishi. No, this prince was al~ways biiiiiger~" Bel smirked. "You limp-dicked zombie."
"!!!"
"Oh, did that hit a sore spot, Jil?"
"Just because knifeplay doesn't turn me on doesn't mean I have ED, you psycho," Jil ranted angrily, trying to regain his princely dignity. "How can you expect me to get hard when you're bleeding me dry?"
"Mammon never had trouble," Bel informed smugly and Fran discreetly took a few steps away, not wanting to be associated with the conversation in any way. He really should have joined the Millefiore when he had the chance. But nooo~ he'd had to go with the group with cooler outfits, frog hats notwithstanding.
"An impotent prince cannot be king! Which was why I had to kill you."
"I'm not impotent, damnit! I was just... tired. Yes. And having an off day."
"...or maybe you were just eight? I don't know any eight-year-olds who are sexually active," Fran pointed out reasonably.
Bel and Jil exchanged pitying looks.
"What?"
"How old are you, Fran?" Bel asked, inching closer to put a familial hand on Fran's shoulder.
"...?"
"Are you still a virgin?"
"..."
"It's okay if you are," Bel tsk'ed sympathetically. "You aren't a prince, after all."
"..."
The hand on his shoulder tightened. "Okay, I've decided. We'll both top Fran and he can decide who's the better seme."
Jil nodded. "Agreed. I get to go first, since I'm older. You can take my leftovers, always-second-place."
"You're not older. We were born via C-section. Father arbitrarily decided you were older because you had more hair."
"And I still have more hair," Jil said with such princely confidence, it actually sounded like it had relevancy to the topic of his relative age.
"Shishishi, I'll shave you bald." Bel took out his knives and the twins were soon engaged in a battle of such epic proportions that it would take five chapters to reach a conclusion.
Fran took the opportunity to make his escape. His mother was right. He should have become a dentist.
-----
The End.
-----
Genre: Crack
Summary: What the title says.
Crack fic based entirely on chapter 222. Title and crass humor is all the fault of Gintama. >_>
Too Much Inbreeding Leads to Ruin
"And that's how I obtained everlasting victory," Bel finished telling his teammate with the ridiculous hat, looking all too pleased with himself.
He had probably told his version of the story to himself so many times, he now actually believed that's how it happened. Jil would need to correct that delusion.
"In reality, Bel wasn't trying to kill me that day, so much as he was trying to top me."
"...top you?" Fran repeated with a quick side glance at Bel. "Senpai, I didn't realize you had that sort of despicable interest."
"I don't," Bel snapped, peeved. "Stop spewing your lies before this idiot takes you seriously."
"Shishishi. A true prince doesn't lie! But poor Bel, you were born to bottom. You knew you wouldn't be able to take me head-on. So that day, you put a large amount of laxatives in my drink. What a genius plan," Jil mocked. "Didn't you stop to think that maybe it would be counterproductive to your efforts to seme?"
Fran looked mildly disgusted.
"That day, you forced me to eat worm-infested mud. Didn't you stop to think that my continuous puking would hinder your efforts to make me blow you?" Bel shot back.
"Olgert told me that mud worked as an aphrodisiac," Jil sighed. "How was I supposed to know it would only make you sick?"
The two princes and Fran turned to Olgert, who looked decidedly unapologetic.
"I was feeling vindictive because Bel-sama had cut up my face the previous week," Olgert explained.
"See!" Jil said with satisfaction. "Not my fault! Besides, there were no worms in that mud."
"Oh but there was. One tiny, shrivelly, wriggling worm. Shishishi, so disgusting~"
"We're identical twins. We're the same size," Jil scowled, offended at the jab.
"Shishishi. No, this prince was al~ways biiiiiger~" Bel smirked. "You limp-dicked zombie."
"!!!"
"Oh, did that hit a sore spot, Jil?"
"Just because knifeplay doesn't turn me on doesn't mean I have ED, you psycho," Jil ranted angrily, trying to regain his princely dignity. "How can you expect me to get hard when you're bleeding me dry?"
"Mammon never had trouble," Bel informed smugly and Fran discreetly took a few steps away, not wanting to be associated with the conversation in any way. He really should have joined the Millefiore when he had the chance. But nooo~ he'd had to go with the group with cooler outfits, frog hats notwithstanding.
"An impotent prince cannot be king! Which was why I had to kill you."
"I'm not impotent, damnit! I was just... tired. Yes. And having an off day."
"...or maybe you were just eight? I don't know any eight-year-olds who are sexually active," Fran pointed out reasonably.
Bel and Jil exchanged pitying looks.
"What?"
"How old are you, Fran?" Bel asked, inching closer to put a familial hand on Fran's shoulder.
"...?"
"Are you still a virgin?"
"..."
"It's okay if you are," Bel tsk'ed sympathetically. "You aren't a prince, after all."
"..."
The hand on his shoulder tightened. "Okay, I've decided. We'll both top Fran and he can decide who's the better seme."
Jil nodded. "Agreed. I get to go first, since I'm older. You can take my leftovers, always-second-place."
"You're not older. We were born via C-section. Father arbitrarily decided you were older because you had more hair."
"And I still have more hair," Jil said with such princely confidence, it actually sounded like it had relevancy to the topic of his relative age.
"Shishishi, I'll shave you bald." Bel took out his knives and the twins were soon engaged in a battle of such epic proportions that it would take five chapters to reach a conclusion.
Fran took the opportunity to make his escape. His mother was right. He should have become a dentist.
-----
The End.
-----