how i made my millions part 395: closure
february 2006.
this has been the most fate-altering month of my life. never have i experienced such a shift, and never have i endured change with such a lack of fear. everything fell into place this february and i will likely never have another month like this in my life.
if i had been asked a couple of months ago where i thought i would be now, i would not have guessed. i never pictured myself living here at all, or doing the job i have now. as a child, horses were my passion. i thought i'd never have the chance to work with them and live here where there are so many within a 10 or 15 minute drive. even as an ag major, i thought i'd never end up with a job involving horses because of my lack of experience with them. but now i am around horses every day. and living here has been nothing but positive so far. i knew i would like living alone but i thought i would be bored and lonely a lot. but i am fine with it... more than fine. i love it.
another thing that happened this month was something i've wanted to do since i was 11 or 12. last night i saw nine inch nails in concert for the first time. our seats were terrible but it was still an experience which i enjoyed very much. i was so afraid that my expectations... which had built up over so many years... would crumble. but everything was fine and more than anything i feel closure more than anything. for me, nine inch nails was not just a band. growing up, those words and those songs helped carry me through the most difficult years of my life (the loss of my grandfather, ridicule and abuse in school, having no money, family problems, eating disorders, self abuse... the list goes on and on). and now that i feel that i am free of those problems to some extent, i was finally able to see and hear trent reznor and his band (though very far away) in person... for real... and it was good. perhaps i was not ready yet before. when the lights went down and the first deep tones began i had to hold back tears because so many emotions came back to me all at once. the concert itself was everything i thought it would be (actually i was extremely impressed with how much better trent sounds in real life...and pleased that a lot of the old favourites made the setlist, but dissapointed that Hurt was not to be heard).
the concert evoked a good conversation between bethie and i which lasted quite a long time. one of the things we discussed was some of the kinds of people we saw in the crowd. most of them: rich white kids. which really made me think about the past even more. things were different when i was in high school, before the big trent disappearance that lasted about 5 years. i remember saving every penny, skipping lunch... doing anything i could to save money to buy the music i loved. my fresman year of high school i had about 3 cd's to my name (a compilation, "buzz bin,"-it had a radiohead song on it, pretty hate machine, and smashing pumpkin's siamese dream were the first ones). i remember trying to catch the good songs on the radio and record them on tapes! kids don't have to do that now. i didn't get my first computer until the end of my senior year of high school... there was no burning cds or anything like that. getting music was a more organic experience... something i had to walk seven miles barefoot in the snow to get. and i guess that helps explain the death of music. i feel like i am holding on to the few good bands i love like they are a life raft in the middle of an ocean of shitty music.
i guess i've had enough of a rant for the evening. i wish i had updated more this month. i had no problem writing about how much i wanted things to happen, but when they did happen... i didn't feel the need to say a thing. i contemplated, once again, ending my LJ once and for all. but i felt it wasn't the right thing to do.
this has been the most fate-altering month of my life. never have i experienced such a shift, and never have i endured change with such a lack of fear. everything fell into place this february and i will likely never have another month like this in my life.
if i had been asked a couple of months ago where i thought i would be now, i would not have guessed. i never pictured myself living here at all, or doing the job i have now. as a child, horses were my passion. i thought i'd never have the chance to work with them and live here where there are so many within a 10 or 15 minute drive. even as an ag major, i thought i'd never end up with a job involving horses because of my lack of experience with them. but now i am around horses every day. and living here has been nothing but positive so far. i knew i would like living alone but i thought i would be bored and lonely a lot. but i am fine with it... more than fine. i love it.
another thing that happened this month was something i've wanted to do since i was 11 or 12. last night i saw nine inch nails in concert for the first time. our seats were terrible but it was still an experience which i enjoyed very much. i was so afraid that my expectations... which had built up over so many years... would crumble. but everything was fine and more than anything i feel closure more than anything. for me, nine inch nails was not just a band. growing up, those words and those songs helped carry me through the most difficult years of my life (the loss of my grandfather, ridicule and abuse in school, having no money, family problems, eating disorders, self abuse... the list goes on and on). and now that i feel that i am free of those problems to some extent, i was finally able to see and hear trent reznor and his band (though very far away) in person... for real... and it was good. perhaps i was not ready yet before. when the lights went down and the first deep tones began i had to hold back tears because so many emotions came back to me all at once. the concert itself was everything i thought it would be (actually i was extremely impressed with how much better trent sounds in real life...and pleased that a lot of the old favourites made the setlist, but dissapointed that Hurt was not to be heard).
the concert evoked a good conversation between bethie and i which lasted quite a long time. one of the things we discussed was some of the kinds of people we saw in the crowd. most of them: rich white kids. which really made me think about the past even more. things were different when i was in high school, before the big trent disappearance that lasted about 5 years. i remember saving every penny, skipping lunch... doing anything i could to save money to buy the music i loved. my fresman year of high school i had about 3 cd's to my name (a compilation, "buzz bin,"-it had a radiohead song on it, pretty hate machine, and smashing pumpkin's siamese dream were the first ones). i remember trying to catch the good songs on the radio and record them on tapes! kids don't have to do that now. i didn't get my first computer until the end of my senior year of high school... there was no burning cds or anything like that. getting music was a more organic experience... something i had to walk seven miles barefoot in the snow to get. and i guess that helps explain the death of music. i feel like i am holding on to the few good bands i love like they are a life raft in the middle of an ocean of shitty music.
i guess i've had enough of a rant for the evening. i wish i had updated more this month. i had no problem writing about how much i wanted things to happen, but when they did happen... i didn't feel the need to say a thing. i contemplated, once again, ending my LJ once and for all. but i felt it wasn't the right thing to do.