In a glance
Little did Ryan know Jon would do whatever Ryan wanted him to do. Jon would follow Ryan to the ends of the earth. So it should’ve been no surprise that Jon followed Ryan out the door and out of the band.
Ryan took risks. He was a runner, probably always would be. Jon doesn’t know why he follows or why he cares, but he does and that’s all that seems to matter.
‘’I’ll be your sidekick. I won’t let you run away on your own. Let me take care of you. I don’t care about anything else.’’ These are all the things Jon yearns to tell Ryan but he’s afraid he won’t listen.
Ryan doesn’t ask for help much. He is always in his own world, his own mind.
The truth is Ryan feels justified in his run. It’s for the good of everyone he thinks. He doesn’t love Brendon, not in the way he loves Jon although he would never tell either of them any of this.
He knows he’s going to hurt Brendon either way. Ryan prefers the shorter way, not the easier one by any stretch. There is no easy way.
It’s like a band aid. You have to rip it off fast just get it over with as soon as possible.
He loves Brendon, he cares for him in the way he cares for Spencer. The closest friends he will ever have. Ryan leaves Brendon in Spencer’s willing and capable hands. He himself has been in those willing and capable hands before. Everything will be alright. It will be better. Their lives and the lives of everyone else will be better for it.
He is just trying to help in the best and possibly only way he can. Which is to run away and not expect Jon to follow. Although he is eternally grateful to have him do so. He is grateful to everyone for everything even though he doesn’t voice it.
This doesn’t mean Ryan doesn’t freak out from time to time because he does and this is one of those times. Yes, he runs because that is all he’s ever known to do and maybe he regrets it sometimes.
"You did the right thing," Jon tells him and he believes it, he does.
He’s just scared. He’s a scared and lonely man, no longer a boy.
He’s a runner because he can never hide. He guesses the saying ‘you can run but you can’t hide’ is true. If only true in his life.
Ryan wishes but he doesn’t think he could ever give back enough, thank him enough, and thank everyone enough for all they have done. He knows they know this. They know him. He’s been there before as well.
He’s unsure though, self conscious. It’s the worst around Jon because Ryan knows this feeling he feels is love. He wants to run away again but he knows Jon would follow him. Jon would find him because he can never hide.
So he gives up. He gives up hiding.
"Let them see me, let him see me for what I am. What more can I do?" Ryan thinks.
He’s just trying to help.
Fortunately Jon pays attention. He knows the tricks and the runs and the ‘you can’t hide’. He hugs Ryans rigid and tense frame, rubs his back until he gives in. Until he sinks into the warmth of Jons caring arms. All Jon wants to do is care about him. All Jon wants to do is love him. So Jon takes the plunge into unknown waters.
‘’All I want to do is love you,” Jon whispers.
The atmosphere is quiet and not quite as tense as before.
Ryan has doubts. Doubts that have followed him all his life. Doubts that want to stop him right here in his tracks. So Ryan protests to Jon’s confession. He knows he can’t hide, he can’t even run at this point. Jon’s arms too tight, too secure around his thin frame.
Jon just shakes his head at Ryan’s protests. Thinks, ‘’don’t you get it?’’
“I don’t care, Ryan. I don’t care about any of those superficial inadequacies. I just care about you. Just let me care about you.”
Jon leans away, but keeps his hands on Ryan’s biceps. Jon tips Ryan’s head up, wipes away the silent tears as kisses him, languidly, soothingly.
“I care about you too,” Ryan says with a hint of a smile.
This is a good start. After all Ryan just wants to help.
Ryan took risks. He was a runner, probably always would be. Jon doesn’t know why he follows or why he cares, but he does and that’s all that seems to matter.
‘’I’ll be your sidekick. I won’t let you run away on your own. Let me take care of you. I don’t care about anything else.’’ These are all the things Jon yearns to tell Ryan but he’s afraid he won’t listen.
Ryan doesn’t ask for help much. He is always in his own world, his own mind.
The truth is Ryan feels justified in his run. It’s for the good of everyone he thinks. He doesn’t love Brendon, not in the way he loves Jon although he would never tell either of them any of this.
He knows he’s going to hurt Brendon either way. Ryan prefers the shorter way, not the easier one by any stretch. There is no easy way.
It’s like a band aid. You have to rip it off fast just get it over with as soon as possible.
He loves Brendon, he cares for him in the way he cares for Spencer. The closest friends he will ever have. Ryan leaves Brendon in Spencer’s willing and capable hands. He himself has been in those willing and capable hands before. Everything will be alright. It will be better. Their lives and the lives of everyone else will be better for it.
He is just trying to help in the best and possibly only way he can. Which is to run away and not expect Jon to follow. Although he is eternally grateful to have him do so. He is grateful to everyone for everything even though he doesn’t voice it.
This doesn’t mean Ryan doesn’t freak out from time to time because he does and this is one of those times. Yes, he runs because that is all he’s ever known to do and maybe he regrets it sometimes.
"You did the right thing," Jon tells him and he believes it, he does.
He’s just scared. He’s a scared and lonely man, no longer a boy.
He’s a runner because he can never hide. He guesses the saying ‘you can run but you can’t hide’ is true. If only true in his life.
Ryan wishes but he doesn’t think he could ever give back enough, thank him enough, and thank everyone enough for all they have done. He knows they know this. They know him. He’s been there before as well.
He’s unsure though, self conscious. It’s the worst around Jon because Ryan knows this feeling he feels is love. He wants to run away again but he knows Jon would follow him. Jon would find him because he can never hide.
So he gives up. He gives up hiding.
"Let them see me, let him see me for what I am. What more can I do?" Ryan thinks.
He’s just trying to help.
Fortunately Jon pays attention. He knows the tricks and the runs and the ‘you can’t hide’. He hugs Ryans rigid and tense frame, rubs his back until he gives in. Until he sinks into the warmth of Jons caring arms. All Jon wants to do is care about him. All Jon wants to do is love him. So Jon takes the plunge into unknown waters.
‘’All I want to do is love you,” Jon whispers.
The atmosphere is quiet and not quite as tense as before.
Ryan has doubts. Doubts that have followed him all his life. Doubts that want to stop him right here in his tracks. So Ryan protests to Jon’s confession. He knows he can’t hide, he can’t even run at this point. Jon’s arms too tight, too secure around his thin frame.
Jon just shakes his head at Ryan’s protests. Thinks, ‘’don’t you get it?’’
“I don’t care, Ryan. I don’t care about any of those superficial inadequacies. I just care about you. Just let me care about you.”
Jon leans away, but keeps his hands on Ryan’s biceps. Jon tips Ryan’s head up, wipes away the silent tears as kisses him, languidly, soothingly.
“I care about you too,” Ryan says with a hint of a smile.
This is a good start. After all Ryan just wants to help.