[ys] head in the clouds [5/6]
A/N: I do not own Jung Yong-hwa or Seo Joo-hyun.
Going on holiday tomorrow (yay!) and I was so close to finishing this chapter so I thought - why not? I hope you guys enjoy :)
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They don’t talk after that for almost 2 months.
Yong-hwa keeps busy. It is not difficult. Helping Joo-hyun set up and keep GG running had consumed a large part of his life for over a year and so now, Yong-hwa finds himself with a large chunk of unused time on his hands. Still, he does his best to keep himself occupied. There are proposals from Engineering, Production and Marketing to look through, new models and prototypes to test and reprogram, and meetings to have. Not only does he throw himself back fully into work, but he keeps busy out of it as well. He goes to the gym. He hangs out with the boys, as a group and one-on-one. He finally finds the time to redecorate his apartment the way he has been wanting to ever since he moved in. He even Skypes his own parents, faraway in their hometown of Busan, South Korea and watching their faces on the illuminated screen, hearing the lilting cadence of his familiar mother tongue lifts his spirits greatly.
But still, when he falls into bed at the end of each day, Yong-hwa can’t help but think about Joo-hyun.
It is a bad cliche - scratch that, the worst cliche in the world, he thinks ruefully to himself, but even with all this activity in his life right now, he knows that there is a Seo Joo-hyun shaped hole that will not let itself be smoothed over.
He misses her.
He misses the very presence of her in his life - through her texts that punctuate moments in his day, through random phone calls to each other. But most of all, he misses spending time with her, whether it’s working together on GG stuff or even just hanging out, having meals, talking - sharing life together.
Yong-hwa flips over in his bed, pillowing his face on his arm. Well, it’s obvious she doesn’t feel the same way.
Ever since that day, he has taken some care to avoid meeting Joo-hyun in their building - it’s almost sad how well he knows her day to day schedule such that he can even plan with certainty when are safe times for him to enter and leave the building. Perhaps it’s that - and maybe that luck is on his side - but whatever the reason, Yong-hwa has not seen even a glimpse of Joo-hyun since that day.
It’s something that he feels a mix of relief and disappointment about. But he knows that he is in no shape to meet Joo-hyun face to face, or to even broach the subject again. She’s made her feelings clear. I need this time to clear my head first.
Fate clearly shoots that idea out of the water a week later, when the morning newspaper on Yong-hwa’s desk carries a huge picture of a slim man with high cheekbones and slits for eyes, waving to an unseen crowd.
The headline screams, Watch Out For The New Kid On The Block!
And below it, Gong-gil Complex: Set to Open in 2018!
Yong-hwa swears under his breath. The picture of Lee Jun-ki, Joo-hyun’s ex husband, seems to smirk at him and Yong-hwa drops the paper into his wastepaper basket, trying to breathe.
2018. That is only a year plus from now. That means that Jun-ki must already be in the process of seeking out brands and shops to take up retail space in his mall. Which means…
Girls Generation. Joo-hyun.
Yong-hwa settles down at his desk, swallowing hard, willing himself to ignore that paper. This isn’t even any of my business anymore, he tells himself, reaching for the first item in his in-tray. This doesn’t matter to me.
However, the facade of self-restraint, the well-meaning lies that he has been telling himself since that day he walked out of Joo-hyun’s apartment completely erode by lunchtime and Yong-hwa only has time to wonder, What the hell is wrong with you, Jung Yong-hwa?! as he stands in front of the building that houses the GG office.
He looks at the takeaway cup of tea in his hand. It is a new tea place that had opened near his office building and Yong-hwa had wanted to bring Joo-hyun there, since she loved her teas more than coffees, but somehow the opportunity had never surfaced. Who knows if it ever will again?
As he takes the steps to the office, Yong-hwa wonders what it is exactly he is going to say to Joo-hyun. I’m sorry. How have you been? I’ve missed you. Can we pretend this never happened?
That last thought almost makes him jerk to a stop on the stairs. As heartbreaking as it would be to never be able to speak with Joo-hyun again or spend time with her, Yong-hwa is also not sure he can spend the rest of his life pretending that he isn’t in love with her. What a rock and hard place you find yourself between, Jung Yong-hwa, he thinks wryly.
He nods to the receptionist, who buzzes him in with a smile and a greeting (with all the time spent at the GG office, he is as familiar a face as Joo-hyun herself).
The sight of the GG office, so utterly unchanged after almost 2 months of his not being here, is something that fills his heart unexpectedly with an emotion which tastes a lot like relief. It is almost like coming home, he thinks in surprise even as he takes in the familiar scene of the GG open office, with its characteristic touches of pink. Yong-hwa suddenly realizes how much GG has come to mean to him too, and how strongly he feels an attachment to this place, even if it is not his.
But he doesn’t have time to dwell further on this, because Tiffany appears abruptly in front of him, and while she is smiling, her usual bubbly cheer is somehow oddly diminished. “Yong-hwa! What a surprise.”
Her voice is also quieter than usual, he realizes, and she is standing way too close to him than usual. It is almost as if she is trying to…
Tiffany lays a hand on his forearm, turning him slightly with unexpected force back towards the door. “Come on outside for a while, yeah? Seo-hyun is still busy…”
But her words and effort are in vain as Yong-hwa lifts his gaze to the far end of the room, where Joo-hyun’s seat is.
And standing there is the man himself. Lee Jun-ki. Joo-hyun’s ex-husband, here in the GG office.
It feels so alien to even think of these two things, which feel so utterly separate, together, which is why Yong-hwa is dead sure for a minute that he is dreaming it, has conjured the scene up in his head somehow.
But no, Lee Jun-ki is standing here, looking damnably more handsome in real life than in newsprint, leaning against Joo-hyun’s desk like he has every right to do so. And Joo-hyun…
Joo-hyun is not seated at her desk as she usually is. She is standing in front of it, next to Lee Jun-ki, and for a moment, Yong-hwa is mesmerized by the way she looks standing next to him. Joo-hyun has always been a tall, elegant woman (which had kicked up his own insecurities about his height, though thankfully he’s still a little taller than Joo-hyun). But next to Lee Jun-ki, slimness and length of Joo-hyun’s frame is almost accentuated by her ex-husband’s slender build. They look like…
A couple. A power couple the world could never topple, Yong-hwa realizes.
It is also then that Yong-hwa realizes something else.
She built her way back to him.
There can only be one reason as to why Lee Jun-ki is standing in the GG office, the day the news about his mall is released. He’s come for her. He’s come for GG.
And finally, the punchline that Yong-hwa has missed for over a year, the final thought that feels so much like someone kicked him, hard in the chest. I helped her build her way back to him.
I helped her build GG. I helped her to build a way back to her ex-husband.
Almost as if hearing the thoughts in his head, Joo-hyun turns and for the first time in 2 months, the two of them lay eyes on each other.
Yong-hwa doesn’t know how much time passes in that gaze, only that those few seconds hold the weight of everything unsaid between them since that day.
But just as quickly as it started, Joo-hyun takes a step forward, breaking the spell, and the look on her face is best described as stricken.
In that moment, whatever is left of Yong-hwa’s heart shatters into dust.
His hands shake even as he puts the tea down on Tiffany’s desk, the nearest desk to him. He is so stunned that he cannot even think to say a single sentence, anything at all, to make some excuse or say something lame to break the tension.
For the first time in forever, Yong-hwa has no words. He has nothing left to give, nothing more to offer to make any of this okay.
Because it isn’t.
By now, Joo-hyun is standing next to him and when her hand brushes his arm, Yong-hwa tastes and hates the hesitancy in her touch. “Yong-hwa. I wasn’t expecting you.”
Yong-hwa bites back the obviously that is on the tip of his tongue because that is only going to open up the avalanche of bitterness threatening to spill out of him. Desperately, he closes his eyes. Even curled in fists, his hands are still shaking. I will not lash out at Joo-hyun. I will not hurt her, he breathes in and out.
He can’t look at her, can’t even look at the attractive ex-husband standing in the background of the office he helped her build, can’t even look at any of the people in the office, people he’s known for at least a year now - Tiffany, Yoon-ah, Yu-ri, who are exchanging uneasy glances with each other at the drama unfolding before their very eyes.
Yong-hwa feels it then; a sudden burn of embarrassment that rushes to his cheeks, choking him of air and for one awful moment, he wants to scream, wants to break something, wants to hurt something as bad as he is hurting inside. I’ve been a fool.
The worst is that Joo-hyun stays silent, watching him with worried eyes that dart back between her ex-husband and him. She offers up no explanation as to what her ex-husband is doing here in her office and that silence, that lack of a need to explain to him, that lack of desire to help him understand just what is going on here is what twists the knife in his heart a little deeper.
And that is it for Yong-hwa. Enough.
He swallows hard, not looking at anything the room in particular. He feels like his voice might be broken, but when the words leave his mouth, he is relieved that he still has the ability to form intelligible sentences at least. “I seem to have come at a bad time. I… I’ll just… see myself out.”
He turns on his heel, but Joo-hyun’s hand is faster, holding him in place. “Yong-hwa. Wait.”
He really doesn’t want to hear anything she has to say, really doesn’t want to stay another second in this room with her but Yong-hwa also hates that she still has the power to make him care, to make him do exactly as she says.
He turns around. Joo-hyun’s eyes are as large and lovely as the day he met her, but this time, Yong-hwa tells himself firmly that he’s imagining the film of tears that are welling up in her eyes. Why would she be crying, he thinks. She’s gotten everything she wanted.
This may be the last time he ever sees her, Yong-hwa thinks faintly. He does not think he can ever see Joo-hyun again without feeling this messy, chaotic cocktail of feelings that he is currently experiencing, emotions that leave him feeling disoriented and shaken to the core.
And so he takes her hand in his, an action that is both so familiar and unfamiliar in the same moment and he makes himself smile.
“I’m happy for you, Joo-hyun.” He whispers. “You did it.”
One tear escapes the corner of her eye, tracing the shape of her cheek but none of them move to wipe it away.
“Be happy.” He tells her quietly. “Please.”
That last word sounds more desperate, more earnest than he would have liked it to be, but it’s true; that in spite of everything, he wants her to be happy, wants to see her smile again, even if he is not the man to do that for her. It is the last wish of his sad, stupid, pining, broken heart.
Yong-hwa doesn’t let himself turn back even as he leaves the GG office for the last time, doesn’t let himself remember Joo-hyun calling his name.
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What do CEOs with broken hearts do?
They go back to work.
Which is exactly what Yong-hwa does. Taking the rest of the day off after that debacle would be nice, but he still has a meeting to attend, a conference call to take part in and an overflowing in-tray of papers to clear. He ignores his personal cellphone, even as it buzzes frequently during the day in missed calls and texts; tells his secretary to inform the Miss Seo Joo-hyun holding on line 4 that he is in a meeting right now and can’t come to the phone.
He leaves the office at 8pm, picking up a Thai takeout for himself and lets himself into his cold, quiet apartment. He’d considered going out with the boys tonight, but Jong-hyun is still in China, Min-hyuk on tour somewhere, and truthfully, Yong-hwa doesn’t have the heart to pretend at any kind of emotional adequacy right now. He just needs a night in to himself to recuperate, which is what he does - setting up the food in front of the television, cracking open the first can in a 6 pack of beer, and starting the first episode in the 3rd season of Mad Men. He only pauses the television at Episode 3 to fire off some necessary text replies - one to Jong-hyun in China about the new SX model negotiations, and another in response to Jung-shin’s concerned text, the maknae having seen the news in the paper today too.
His fingers hover for a moment over another chat though. 10 new messages from Seo Joo-hyun.
He shouldn’t, but he clicks on it, opening the chat.
What he sees first is her latest text, sent at 7.32 pm, Oppa. We need to talk. Please.
He immediately backs out of the chat window, deletes the whole thread before he can get sucked into that Pandora’s Box.
In the next heartbeat though, there is a knocking at his door. It is not a polite are-you-at-home knock of deliverymen or door-to-door salesmen. It is not loud, but insistent. It is the kind of knock that could come only from one person right now, and Yong-hwa grabs the remote, pausing the television.
The knocking goes on and on for a good three minutes at least. Whoever it is out there does not seem to want to give up.
“I know you’re in there, Yong-hwa.” Joo-hyun’s words, though slightly muffled through the door, are still as clear as day. “Open the door, please.”
Yong-hwa closes his eyes. No. No.
As if hearing his thoughts, Joo-hyun goes on. “I know… I know what you saw today. But if you give me a chance to explain… I can explain it all. But you have to give me that chance. Please open the door.”
I’ve given you nothing but chances, Seo Joo-hyun, Yong-hwa thinks to himself, unable to stop the bitterness from welling up in him. He takes the remote in his hand, switching off the television for good. Any lingering desire to watch television, to do something to take his mind off this afternoon is promptly extinguished. All Yong-hwa wants to do now, is to go to bed and surrender himself to the blissful oblivion of sleep, where Seo Joo-hyun and her ex-husband do not exist. I don’t owe you anything anymore.
He gets up from the couch, closing up the takeout boxes and picking up the empty beer cans as he heads for the kitchen. Joo-hyun’s voice grows in volume though, as does her knocking, almost as if she can sense him walking away from her through the door. “Yong-hwa, please. I’m… I’m sorry. I should have explained it all to you this afternoon and not let you walk away like that. I… I guess I was just shocked and not thinking straight.”
You could never think straight when it comes to him, Yong-hwa thinks back at her fiercely. He dumps the rubbish, padding out silently back into the living room. He is the biggest blind corner of your life, Seo Joo-hyun. With him in the picture, there is never space for me.
Perhaps there was never space for me in your life and in your heart, to begin with.
It occurs briefly to Yong-hwa that the vitriol in his thoughts is meant to hurt Joo-hyun, but these thoughts are really only making him feel worse.
“But whatever it is, I…” Joo-hyun’s voice sounds a lot softer now and Yong-hwa can almost see her in his mind’s eye; pressed up against the door, listening for any sign of life inside, for any sign that he might be listening. And in spite of himself, in spite of his own anger and sadness, Yong-hwa finds himself drifting, pulled inexplicably towards the door, where he leans a hand on it, listening.
“I’m sorry, Yong-hwa.” Joo-hyun breathes so quietly, that he might not have heard her, had he not been this close. “I know I’m a mess. I know that there are so many things in my life that I haven’t done right, and…” Here, her voices hitches. “That includes you.”
“You’re such an important person to me, Yong-hwa.” Yong-hwa tells himself that it is his own ears playing a trick on him; that those are not tears in Joo-hyun’s voice, because why would she be crying over him? But the sincerity in her voice even as she utters the next sentence is unmistakable, even through the door. “You have been the brightest spot in my life for the past year. You’ve made me feel happy again, which is something I never thought I could feel again, after everything that had happened.”
“And… I know I haven’t treasured or cherished you the way you should have been. But I do care for you. I care a lot, even though I know I’ve done a terrible job in showing it in this past year… especially in these past 2 months. And I’m sorry for that.” He hears Joo-hyun hiccup on her side of the door. “But I really do care for you a lot and I never should have let you walk away from me this afternoon. I should have explained, and I shouldn’t have let you leave like that.”
There is a pause; Joo-hyun clears her throat on the other side. “I know you’re there. I know you’re in there. Will you… will you please let me in so I can explain everything to you? So that I can make this right? Please.”
Yong-hwa knows that the two of them are at an impasse now, and some of his earlier anger and bitterness has faded away at her words. He wants nothing better than to open the door, for the both of them to talk about all the things that they have danced around for far too long. But at the same time, there is something still so very hurt and raw inside of him, that Yong-hwa doesn’t know if he can open the door to her.
Yong-hwa has always known his own heart and feelings towards Seo Joo-hyun. But right now?
He isn’t sure anymore.
He isn’t sure of what he feels; isn’t sure of what he should do, or what he wants to do. It’s all such a messy blur in his head and heart and Yong-hwa can’t even begin to tangle any of them apart.
So, he stands there in the dark for what feels like a long time, hand on the cool door handle, eyes closed, but he doesn’t move. He just stands there in silence, waiting for his instincts, his heart, though bruised and battered, to lead him to something - a right course of action to take.
And slowly, his hand falls away, limply from the doorknob.
I can’t. Not right now.
But on his side of the door, Yong-hwa slides his hands up the smooth wood, pressing his forehead against it as if the proximity will help him get his message through clearer. Go home, Seo Joo-hyun, he thinks to her, tiredly. Go home.
And for the second time today, Yong-hwa turns his back on Seo Joo-hyun, moving away, into the darkness of his apartment.
Going on holiday tomorrow (yay!) and I was so close to finishing this chapter so I thought - why not? I hope you guys enjoy :)
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They don’t talk after that for almost 2 months.
Yong-hwa keeps busy. It is not difficult. Helping Joo-hyun set up and keep GG running had consumed a large part of his life for over a year and so now, Yong-hwa finds himself with a large chunk of unused time on his hands. Still, he does his best to keep himself occupied. There are proposals from Engineering, Production and Marketing to look through, new models and prototypes to test and reprogram, and meetings to have. Not only does he throw himself back fully into work, but he keeps busy out of it as well. He goes to the gym. He hangs out with the boys, as a group and one-on-one. He finally finds the time to redecorate his apartment the way he has been wanting to ever since he moved in. He even Skypes his own parents, faraway in their hometown of Busan, South Korea and watching their faces on the illuminated screen, hearing the lilting cadence of his familiar mother tongue lifts his spirits greatly.
But still, when he falls into bed at the end of each day, Yong-hwa can’t help but think about Joo-hyun.
It is a bad cliche - scratch that, the worst cliche in the world, he thinks ruefully to himself, but even with all this activity in his life right now, he knows that there is a Seo Joo-hyun shaped hole that will not let itself be smoothed over.
He misses her.
He misses the very presence of her in his life - through her texts that punctuate moments in his day, through random phone calls to each other. But most of all, he misses spending time with her, whether it’s working together on GG stuff or even just hanging out, having meals, talking - sharing life together.
Yong-hwa flips over in his bed, pillowing his face on his arm. Well, it’s obvious she doesn’t feel the same way.
Ever since that day, he has taken some care to avoid meeting Joo-hyun in their building - it’s almost sad how well he knows her day to day schedule such that he can even plan with certainty when are safe times for him to enter and leave the building. Perhaps it’s that - and maybe that luck is on his side - but whatever the reason, Yong-hwa has not seen even a glimpse of Joo-hyun since that day.
It’s something that he feels a mix of relief and disappointment about. But he knows that he is in no shape to meet Joo-hyun face to face, or to even broach the subject again. She’s made her feelings clear. I need this time to clear my head first.
Fate clearly shoots that idea out of the water a week later, when the morning newspaper on Yong-hwa’s desk carries a huge picture of a slim man with high cheekbones and slits for eyes, waving to an unseen crowd.
The headline screams, Watch Out For The New Kid On The Block!
And below it, Gong-gil Complex: Set to Open in 2018!
Yong-hwa swears under his breath. The picture of Lee Jun-ki, Joo-hyun’s ex husband, seems to smirk at him and Yong-hwa drops the paper into his wastepaper basket, trying to breathe.
2018. That is only a year plus from now. That means that Jun-ki must already be in the process of seeking out brands and shops to take up retail space in his mall. Which means…
Girls Generation. Joo-hyun.
Yong-hwa settles down at his desk, swallowing hard, willing himself to ignore that paper. This isn’t even any of my business anymore, he tells himself, reaching for the first item in his in-tray. This doesn’t matter to me.
However, the facade of self-restraint, the well-meaning lies that he has been telling himself since that day he walked out of Joo-hyun’s apartment completely erode by lunchtime and Yong-hwa only has time to wonder, What the hell is wrong with you, Jung Yong-hwa?! as he stands in front of the building that houses the GG office.
He looks at the takeaway cup of tea in his hand. It is a new tea place that had opened near his office building and Yong-hwa had wanted to bring Joo-hyun there, since she loved her teas more than coffees, but somehow the opportunity had never surfaced. Who knows if it ever will again?
As he takes the steps to the office, Yong-hwa wonders what it is exactly he is going to say to Joo-hyun. I’m sorry. How have you been? I’ve missed you. Can we pretend this never happened?
That last thought almost makes him jerk to a stop on the stairs. As heartbreaking as it would be to never be able to speak with Joo-hyun again or spend time with her, Yong-hwa is also not sure he can spend the rest of his life pretending that he isn’t in love with her. What a rock and hard place you find yourself between, Jung Yong-hwa, he thinks wryly.
He nods to the receptionist, who buzzes him in with a smile and a greeting (with all the time spent at the GG office, he is as familiar a face as Joo-hyun herself).
The sight of the GG office, so utterly unchanged after almost 2 months of his not being here, is something that fills his heart unexpectedly with an emotion which tastes a lot like relief. It is almost like coming home, he thinks in surprise even as he takes in the familiar scene of the GG open office, with its characteristic touches of pink. Yong-hwa suddenly realizes how much GG has come to mean to him too, and how strongly he feels an attachment to this place, even if it is not his.
But he doesn’t have time to dwell further on this, because Tiffany appears abruptly in front of him, and while she is smiling, her usual bubbly cheer is somehow oddly diminished. “Yong-hwa! What a surprise.”
Her voice is also quieter than usual, he realizes, and she is standing way too close to him than usual. It is almost as if she is trying to…
Tiffany lays a hand on his forearm, turning him slightly with unexpected force back towards the door. “Come on outside for a while, yeah? Seo-hyun is still busy…”
But her words and effort are in vain as Yong-hwa lifts his gaze to the far end of the room, where Joo-hyun’s seat is.
And standing there is the man himself. Lee Jun-ki. Joo-hyun’s ex-husband, here in the GG office.
It feels so alien to even think of these two things, which feel so utterly separate, together, which is why Yong-hwa is dead sure for a minute that he is dreaming it, has conjured the scene up in his head somehow.
But no, Lee Jun-ki is standing here, looking damnably more handsome in real life than in newsprint, leaning against Joo-hyun’s desk like he has every right to do so. And Joo-hyun…
Joo-hyun is not seated at her desk as she usually is. She is standing in front of it, next to Lee Jun-ki, and for a moment, Yong-hwa is mesmerized by the way she looks standing next to him. Joo-hyun has always been a tall, elegant woman (which had kicked up his own insecurities about his height, though thankfully he’s still a little taller than Joo-hyun). But next to Lee Jun-ki, slimness and length of Joo-hyun’s frame is almost accentuated by her ex-husband’s slender build. They look like…
A couple. A power couple the world could never topple, Yong-hwa realizes.
It is also then that Yong-hwa realizes something else.
She built her way back to him.
There can only be one reason as to why Lee Jun-ki is standing in the GG office, the day the news about his mall is released. He’s come for her. He’s come for GG.
And finally, the punchline that Yong-hwa has missed for over a year, the final thought that feels so much like someone kicked him, hard in the chest. I helped her build her way back to him.
I helped her build GG. I helped her to build a way back to her ex-husband.
Almost as if hearing the thoughts in his head, Joo-hyun turns and for the first time in 2 months, the two of them lay eyes on each other.
Yong-hwa doesn’t know how much time passes in that gaze, only that those few seconds hold the weight of everything unsaid between them since that day.
But just as quickly as it started, Joo-hyun takes a step forward, breaking the spell, and the look on her face is best described as stricken.
In that moment, whatever is left of Yong-hwa’s heart shatters into dust.
His hands shake even as he puts the tea down on Tiffany’s desk, the nearest desk to him. He is so stunned that he cannot even think to say a single sentence, anything at all, to make some excuse or say something lame to break the tension.
For the first time in forever, Yong-hwa has no words. He has nothing left to give, nothing more to offer to make any of this okay.
Because it isn’t.
By now, Joo-hyun is standing next to him and when her hand brushes his arm, Yong-hwa tastes and hates the hesitancy in her touch. “Yong-hwa. I wasn’t expecting you.”
Yong-hwa bites back the obviously that is on the tip of his tongue because that is only going to open up the avalanche of bitterness threatening to spill out of him. Desperately, he closes his eyes. Even curled in fists, his hands are still shaking. I will not lash out at Joo-hyun. I will not hurt her, he breathes in and out.
He can’t look at her, can’t even look at the attractive ex-husband standing in the background of the office he helped her build, can’t even look at any of the people in the office, people he’s known for at least a year now - Tiffany, Yoon-ah, Yu-ri, who are exchanging uneasy glances with each other at the drama unfolding before their very eyes.
Yong-hwa feels it then; a sudden burn of embarrassment that rushes to his cheeks, choking him of air and for one awful moment, he wants to scream, wants to break something, wants to hurt something as bad as he is hurting inside. I’ve been a fool.
The worst is that Joo-hyun stays silent, watching him with worried eyes that dart back between her ex-husband and him. She offers up no explanation as to what her ex-husband is doing here in her office and that silence, that lack of a need to explain to him, that lack of desire to help him understand just what is going on here is what twists the knife in his heart a little deeper.
And that is it for Yong-hwa. Enough.
He swallows hard, not looking at anything the room in particular. He feels like his voice might be broken, but when the words leave his mouth, he is relieved that he still has the ability to form intelligible sentences at least. “I seem to have come at a bad time. I… I’ll just… see myself out.”
He turns on his heel, but Joo-hyun’s hand is faster, holding him in place. “Yong-hwa. Wait.”
He really doesn’t want to hear anything she has to say, really doesn’t want to stay another second in this room with her but Yong-hwa also hates that she still has the power to make him care, to make him do exactly as she says.
He turns around. Joo-hyun’s eyes are as large and lovely as the day he met her, but this time, Yong-hwa tells himself firmly that he’s imagining the film of tears that are welling up in her eyes. Why would she be crying, he thinks. She’s gotten everything she wanted.
This may be the last time he ever sees her, Yong-hwa thinks faintly. He does not think he can ever see Joo-hyun again without feeling this messy, chaotic cocktail of feelings that he is currently experiencing, emotions that leave him feeling disoriented and shaken to the core.
And so he takes her hand in his, an action that is both so familiar and unfamiliar in the same moment and he makes himself smile.
“I’m happy for you, Joo-hyun.” He whispers. “You did it.”
One tear escapes the corner of her eye, tracing the shape of her cheek but none of them move to wipe it away.
“Be happy.” He tells her quietly. “Please.”
That last word sounds more desperate, more earnest than he would have liked it to be, but it’s true; that in spite of everything, he wants her to be happy, wants to see her smile again, even if he is not the man to do that for her. It is the last wish of his sad, stupid, pining, broken heart.
Yong-hwa doesn’t let himself turn back even as he leaves the GG office for the last time, doesn’t let himself remember Joo-hyun calling his name.
++++
What do CEOs with broken hearts do?
They go back to work.
Which is exactly what Yong-hwa does. Taking the rest of the day off after that debacle would be nice, but he still has a meeting to attend, a conference call to take part in and an overflowing in-tray of papers to clear. He ignores his personal cellphone, even as it buzzes frequently during the day in missed calls and texts; tells his secretary to inform the Miss Seo Joo-hyun holding on line 4 that he is in a meeting right now and can’t come to the phone.
He leaves the office at 8pm, picking up a Thai takeout for himself and lets himself into his cold, quiet apartment. He’d considered going out with the boys tonight, but Jong-hyun is still in China, Min-hyuk on tour somewhere, and truthfully, Yong-hwa doesn’t have the heart to pretend at any kind of emotional adequacy right now. He just needs a night in to himself to recuperate, which is what he does - setting up the food in front of the television, cracking open the first can in a 6 pack of beer, and starting the first episode in the 3rd season of Mad Men. He only pauses the television at Episode 3 to fire off some necessary text replies - one to Jong-hyun in China about the new SX model negotiations, and another in response to Jung-shin’s concerned text, the maknae having seen the news in the paper today too.
His fingers hover for a moment over another chat though. 10 new messages from Seo Joo-hyun.
He shouldn’t, but he clicks on it, opening the chat.
What he sees first is her latest text, sent at 7.32 pm, Oppa. We need to talk. Please.
He immediately backs out of the chat window, deletes the whole thread before he can get sucked into that Pandora’s Box.
In the next heartbeat though, there is a knocking at his door. It is not a polite are-you-at-home knock of deliverymen or door-to-door salesmen. It is not loud, but insistent. It is the kind of knock that could come only from one person right now, and Yong-hwa grabs the remote, pausing the television.
The knocking goes on and on for a good three minutes at least. Whoever it is out there does not seem to want to give up.
“I know you’re in there, Yong-hwa.” Joo-hyun’s words, though slightly muffled through the door, are still as clear as day. “Open the door, please.”
Yong-hwa closes his eyes. No. No.
As if hearing his thoughts, Joo-hyun goes on. “I know… I know what you saw today. But if you give me a chance to explain… I can explain it all. But you have to give me that chance. Please open the door.”
I’ve given you nothing but chances, Seo Joo-hyun, Yong-hwa thinks to himself, unable to stop the bitterness from welling up in him. He takes the remote in his hand, switching off the television for good. Any lingering desire to watch television, to do something to take his mind off this afternoon is promptly extinguished. All Yong-hwa wants to do now, is to go to bed and surrender himself to the blissful oblivion of sleep, where Seo Joo-hyun and her ex-husband do not exist. I don’t owe you anything anymore.
He gets up from the couch, closing up the takeout boxes and picking up the empty beer cans as he heads for the kitchen. Joo-hyun’s voice grows in volume though, as does her knocking, almost as if she can sense him walking away from her through the door. “Yong-hwa, please. I’m… I’m sorry. I should have explained it all to you this afternoon and not let you walk away like that. I… I guess I was just shocked and not thinking straight.”
You could never think straight when it comes to him, Yong-hwa thinks back at her fiercely. He dumps the rubbish, padding out silently back into the living room. He is the biggest blind corner of your life, Seo Joo-hyun. With him in the picture, there is never space for me.
Perhaps there was never space for me in your life and in your heart, to begin with.
It occurs briefly to Yong-hwa that the vitriol in his thoughts is meant to hurt Joo-hyun, but these thoughts are really only making him feel worse.
“But whatever it is, I…” Joo-hyun’s voice sounds a lot softer now and Yong-hwa can almost see her in his mind’s eye; pressed up against the door, listening for any sign of life inside, for any sign that he might be listening. And in spite of himself, in spite of his own anger and sadness, Yong-hwa finds himself drifting, pulled inexplicably towards the door, where he leans a hand on it, listening.
“I’m sorry, Yong-hwa.” Joo-hyun breathes so quietly, that he might not have heard her, had he not been this close. “I know I’m a mess. I know that there are so many things in my life that I haven’t done right, and…” Here, her voices hitches. “That includes you.”
“You’re such an important person to me, Yong-hwa.” Yong-hwa tells himself that it is his own ears playing a trick on him; that those are not tears in Joo-hyun’s voice, because why would she be crying over him? But the sincerity in her voice even as she utters the next sentence is unmistakable, even through the door. “You have been the brightest spot in my life for the past year. You’ve made me feel happy again, which is something I never thought I could feel again, after everything that had happened.”
“And… I know I haven’t treasured or cherished you the way you should have been. But I do care for you. I care a lot, even though I know I’ve done a terrible job in showing it in this past year… especially in these past 2 months. And I’m sorry for that.” He hears Joo-hyun hiccup on her side of the door. “But I really do care for you a lot and I never should have let you walk away from me this afternoon. I should have explained, and I shouldn’t have let you leave like that.”
There is a pause; Joo-hyun clears her throat on the other side. “I know you’re there. I know you’re in there. Will you… will you please let me in so I can explain everything to you? So that I can make this right? Please.”
Yong-hwa knows that the two of them are at an impasse now, and some of his earlier anger and bitterness has faded away at her words. He wants nothing better than to open the door, for the both of them to talk about all the things that they have danced around for far too long. But at the same time, there is something still so very hurt and raw inside of him, that Yong-hwa doesn’t know if he can open the door to her.
Yong-hwa has always known his own heart and feelings towards Seo Joo-hyun. But right now?
He isn’t sure anymore.
He isn’t sure of what he feels; isn’t sure of what he should do, or what he wants to do. It’s all such a messy blur in his head and heart and Yong-hwa can’t even begin to tangle any of them apart.
So, he stands there in the dark for what feels like a long time, hand on the cool door handle, eyes closed, but he doesn’t move. He just stands there in silence, waiting for his instincts, his heart, though bruised and battered, to lead him to something - a right course of action to take.
And slowly, his hand falls away, limply from the doorknob.
I can’t. Not right now.
But on his side of the door, Yong-hwa slides his hands up the smooth wood, pressing his forehead against it as if the proximity will help him get his message through clearer. Go home, Seo Joo-hyun, he thinks to her, tiredly. Go home.
And for the second time today, Yong-hwa turns his back on Seo Joo-hyun, moving away, into the darkness of his apartment.