[ys] Go Now (I'm Right Behind You) [3/5]
A/N: Because I'm an occasions kind of girl, and 2 updates on Valentine's Day seems just about right. ;)
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The minute she steps foot into Ssam, she feels distinctly nervous and painfully out of place. She chalks this up to a few things: one, that this is a pretty late time for her to be out, especially in Seoul. Two, this is a bar and she’s here alone. Three, that she’s dressed like a teacher, when most girls look like they’re getting ready to go clubbing. Joo-hyun smoothes down her dove-grey belted dress, avoiding the gazes of a group of girls in crop tops and bandage skirts eyeing her from a nearby table.
She takes a seat at the bar, feeling more conspicuous by the minute when she orders a Coke, which gets her another raised eyebrow from the bartender who slides it over to her.
All the while, Joo-hyun’s heart bumps shallowly in her breastbone even as she takes a sip of the soft drink. I’m not nervous, she tells herself anxiously. It’s just the soft drink; it’s too gassy, and I don’t really like drinking these even at home and its not sitting well…
The lights dim even further in the bar, and Joo-hyun’s heart swells to a sudden crescendo even as she turns to face the stage.
First, a tall, slender boy who can’t be more than 21 years of age lopes up, waving drumsticks amiably. Kang Min-hyuk, Joo-hyun guesses, the drummer friend of…
Lee Jong-hyun. Another man, this time looking a little older than Kang Min-hyuk, makes his way upstage, with long dark hair that flops into his eyes. He gives the slightest nod of acknowledgement to the room, more preoccupied with strapping an electric guitar over his body. This must be Yong-hwa’s roommate from 5 years ago. Are they still roommates today?
The tallest among all the assembled members, with the longest hair of them all, appears onstage as well, waving at the crowd in a familiar manner. He tucks his hair behind one ear, picking up his bass guitar. This must be Lee Jung-shin, Joo-hyun picks out the only name she didn't recognize from the webpage link.
And then, before she can even prepare herself, there he is and Joo-hyun’s breath catches in her throat.
Yong-hwa oppa.
It’s strange that he can look both unfamiliar and familiar to her at first glance - but there definitely is something different about him, especially since she hasn’t seen him in 5 years. He is taller, leaner - he’s lost some weight in his face and his arms are surprisingly defined in a way she doesn’t remember. His hair is no longer short and spiky as it was when she sent him off; it’s slightly longer, though not as long as Jong-hyun and Jung-shin’s, and it’s dyed in this shade of brown that makes him look like one of those pop stars she see in advertisements on television. Joo-hyun can’t deny the fact that he looks really good; in a plain white T-shirt with a red plaid shirt over, form-fitting jeans that are all the rage these days - Yong-hwa looks exactly like them, she realizes. Like a Seoul boy.
But when he grins out at the audience, pushing his hair out of his face, there it is, that snaggletooth that is uniquely and 100% Yong-hwa, which makes Joo-hyun press her hands involuntarily to her mouth, because there he is. That’s my Yong-hwa oppa.
She almost misses the first part of what he’s saying, but even his voice sounds remarkably the same after 5 years, a slightly deeper timbre, which manages to snag on memories that she’d thought she buried a long time ago. “Hey everyone. Having a good night?” He laughs casually at some of the shouted responses from the bar-goers, even as he slings on his own electric guitar. “Not enough alcohol here at this table? You got it.” Joo-hyun can only watch, as he gestures for a nearby waiter, who hurries to take more orders from the mentioned table.
Joo-hyun marvels at how confident, how self-assured he sounds onstage. Not that Yong-hwa was ever lacking in confidence, but even she can see how much more comfortable he is onstage now. Almost as if performing is a second skin to him; something that he was born to do. I guess these five years here haven’t been in vain.
Meanwhile, Yong-hwa continues. “Well, we’re going to start off tonight with one of our classics. If you know it, sing along. Here’s Drive It Like You Stole It.”
Some of the bar-goers whoop loudly - they must be familiar with the band, with CNBLUE, Joo-hyun thinks, trying out the name in her head. Jong-hyun starts strumming a loud, heavy riff even as Jung-shin and Min-hyuk come in together on the drums and bass, pounding out a steady beat that has the crowd clapping. But Joo-hyun’s eyes are steadfastly on Yong-hwa, who is now looking down at his own guitar, picking out the chords as he joins the rest of the band in the song.
Joo-hyun doesn’t realize she is holding her breath, silently rooting for him as Yong-hwa starts singing.
You just can’t stand the way that I walked out from the wreckage
Can’t understand the way that I turned myself around
I tried to terminate this war, with you
But you won’t let it go; you keep coming back for more
She knows that she is behaving in a stupidly emotional manner that is so unlike her usual self, but Joo-hyun cannot help it; wiping tears from her cheeks, even as she claps along with the rest of the bar. She is just so proud, so, so absurdly proud of Yong-hwa. He’s good. Really good. She’s not just thinking that because he’s her friend even; Joo-hyun already loves the arrangement, the energy and the melody of the song and she doesn’t seem to be alone in this by the way the others in the bar respond. But most of all, it is the lyrics which hook her heart, which have Yong-hwa, his drive and tenacity, written all over them.
He was right to go this far to chase his dream - where else could he be except here? Not in Jin-hae, that’s for sure.
The band segues into the chorus, and by then the crowd is gathering in front of the small space in front of the stage, a throng of moving bodies which are obviously getting into the music and Joo-hyun can only smile, even as she claps along.
This is your life
You can go anywhere
You gotta grab the wheel and own it
And drive it like you stole it
Roll it
This is your life
You can be anything
You gotta learn to rock and roll it
You gotta put the pedal down
And drive it like you stole it
And drive it like you stole it
When the song comes to a final finish, Joo-hyun finds herself on her feet, clapping so hard that her palms sting. Oh oppa. You did it, she mentally tells him from the bar, across the room. You did it, and I couldn’t be prouder.
Up on stage, Yong-hwa grins, big and blinding. “Thank you,” He tells the crowd, and Joo-hyun is sure that she’s not the only one in the room who can hear the sincerity ringing through his words. After all these years, Yong-hwa is still genuinely thankful and grateful for the people who appreciate and love his music and this realization makes Joo-hyun feel a little less acutely the distance of the years, the time spent apart.
“How’s everyone doing tonight? Feeling ready to get this Friday night started?” Yong-hwa raises a hand over his eyes, squinting against the glare of the spotlight. “How about you guys over there at the bar? You guys good?”
Joo-hyun’s heart gives a sudden jump at the unexpected direction of his scrutiny; instinctively, she shrinks back just the slightest, which is silly because it’s not like she can jump over the bar right now to hide without giving herself away. Instead, she looks around and is briefly reassured; there are at least 3 couples standing at the bar, a group of guys who raise their cups to Yong-hwa who returns it with a salute. He won’t be able to see anything from this far, she tells herself bracingly. The lights also make it hard for him to see anything in the darkness. He hasn’t seen me.
Yet, in spite of what she tells herself, she trembles in just the slightest even as Yong-hwa looks in her direction of the bar, his hand still over his eyes.
She can’t be too sure; she must be imagining it - but when his hand leaves his eyes, there is a pinch between his eyebrows, his confusion clear in the extra second that his gaze lingers in her direction. He can’t see me, he can’t see me, she chants mentally, forcing down every instinct that is screaming at her to grab her purse and make a run for it.
But Yong-hwa simply turns to another corner of the room in the next moment and the pent up air in Joo-hyun’s lungs come out in a huge relieved rush.
The rest of the set takes about 30 minutes or so. Joo-hyun taps her fingers on her knee along to the faster numbers, soaks in the slower songs, enjoying their lyrics. She even takes a few videos for Mrs Jung; the older woman didn’t know she was coming to Seoul, nor was Joo-hyun planning on telling her either, for fear that the older woman would encourage her to track down Yong-hwa. Now, she thinks, at least she’ll be able to make her neighbor happy with these unexpected videos of her son performing. At least I’ll be able to keep up that story that I’ve been weaving, that Yong-hwa’s been keeping in touch with me all these years.
“Thank you, Ssam Bar! You’ve been great tonight.” Yong-hwa grips the mic stand a little tighter, and even from across the bar, Joo-hyun can feel some of his tiredness, can see the sweat shining on his forehead. Still, his ebullience, his relieved gratitude to the crowd and fans is unmistakable even from this distance. “Do follow us on Facebook for more details about our upcoming performances - we’re CNBLUE. Thank you and have a great night!”
The crowd breaks into a smattering of heartfelt applause, and the guys begin to make their way offstage. Joo-hyun thinks that they should probably head backstage, or wherever it is bands go after finishing a performance, and on that note, she begins to wave down the bartender to pay her bill and leave.
What she doesn’t expect is the bassist, Jung-shin, loping offstage and heading right for the bar.
Oh god, I have to -
Joo-hyun snatches up her purse at the same moment that Jung-shin arrives at the bar.
This close up, he’s even taller than she imagined, much taller than Yong-hwa, she realizes. He is obviously sweaty and exhausted, just like Yong-hwa, coming offstage after a performance like that, and Joo-hyun freezes, unsure.
Jung-shin doesn’t notice her at first. “Hyung,” The bassist calls to the bartender, holding up a single finger. “One water, please. I left my bottle at home. I’m dying here.”
Joo-hyun is inching her butt off the stool, hoping to beat a quick retreat, but she makes the mistake of looking up and now, Jung-shin is looking at her. He is really good-looking, she thinks, slightly flustered under his gaze, but if anything, his smile is friendly and open. “Hi! Did you just catch our performance?”
She bites the inside of her cheek, avoiding the need to look around the room, to see if Yong-hwa is anywhere nearby the both of them. That would be rude. Instead, she returns his smile with one of her own, and in spite of everything, her reply is genuine. “I did. I saw the whole thing and you guys were great.”
“Thank you!” Jung-shin, like Yong-hwa, has a sincerely pleased look on his face at her praise. “Have you seen any of our performances before? Which songs did you like?”
Joo-hyun really, really doesn’t want to be rude, but if the members of CNBLUE are going to be offstage and mingling with the rest of the crowd, she really, really needs to get out of here. “I’m sorry, I - ”
Jung-shin slaps a hand to his forehead ruefully, cutting her off. “Of course, I’m sorry. Where are my manners? I’m Jung-shin, bassist of CNBLUE. And you are…?”
“Joo-hyun? Seo Joo-hyun?”
Joo-hyun shuts her eyes tightly. She doesn’t even need to turn around, doesn’t need to look at who it is, because she knows. She knows that voice, knows it like the back of her hand. Even if I haven’t heard it in five years.
I should have run while I got the chance. Why did I stay for the whole set? Why didn’t I leave after the first song? Stupid, stupid, Joo-hyun.
Her hands are shaking in her lap, but she balls them up into fists to steady herself, nails digging fiercely into the soft flesh of her palms. The pain anchors her firmly to this moment, forcing her to think above it. I can do this, the rational part of herself coaches from deep within. I can do this.
I sent him off, out of my life 5 years ago. I can say hi like a normal human being, hold it together for five minutes of niceties and then get the hell out of here.
She releases her hands, smoothing down her skirt. This is going to take everything in her, but she can do it. Just be cool, Joo-hyun. Be cool.
She turns around with a smile that she hopes is playful, light, but her smile feels like it’s frozen in place when her eyes meet his - the lead singer of CNBLUE, her long time neighbor, her ex-best friend from her childhood days, standing just a few paces from her, staring at her with what is undoubtedly a gobsmacked expression on his face.
Joo-hyun belatedly realizes that a few beats have passed and Jung-shin is watching their exchange with some bewilderment, and so she tries again, forcing her smile wider. She prays that Yong-hwa cannot hear the shake in her voice when she teases, “You used to call me Hyun then.”
For one long awful moment, Yong-hwa just stares at her, like she’s grown two heads or as if he’s seen a stranger - which maybe she is to him now.
But in the next split second, the expression on Yong-hwa’s face unfolds into something like wonderous surprise, a look of joy that is utterly unexpected in Joo-hyun’s mind. For that brief moment, her heart and all the wariness and defences surrounding it, soften in the slightest and she lets herself feel a fraction of the joy and happiness she always thought she would feel when she saw Yong-hwa again.
“Hyun,” He breathes and Joo-hyun doesn’t even have time to think, doesn’t have time to do anything as he closes the space between them in a few quick steps, throwing his arms around her. All she can do is breathe him in deeply; that familiar boy smell that is Yong-hwa oppa, a whiff of cologne she doesn’t recognize, and underlying it all, the achingly present scent of coffee, both the same now and 5 years ago, which pricks painfully at Joo-hyun’s eyes. For one long moment, she holds on, and lets herself be held. Oppa.
But too soon, he is pulling away already, eyes so bright that she can’t help but smile back at him in spite of everything. “What are you doing here, in Seoul? Are you here for good? How did you know to find me here? Did you come for the - ”
“I saw it on Facebook,” Joo-hyun says, anticipating the last half of his unspoken question. She includes the nearby bassist in her next words, “It was really good, as I was telling Jung-shin ssi. I really liked the first song and the slower one, Up.”
Yong-hwa beams at her praise, but before he can say anything more, Jung-shin gets a word in first. “Hyung, you know this girl?”
Yong-hwa smiles at her, but there is also hesitation in the way his hand lands on her shoulder, almost as if he wants to put his arm around her but has stopped himself from doing so. Nevertheless, his hand is a comforting warmth and weight that Joo-hyun feels all the way down to the tips of her toes. “Jung-shin, I’d like to introduce you to my best friend, from Jin-hae, Seo Joo-hyun. You can call her Seo-hyun.” He uses the name that Joo-hyun usually uses with strangers; he remembers, Joo-hyun thinks with some surprise, remembers that Joo-hyun is only for close friends and family.
She exchanges polite bows with the bassist; by now, Jong-hyun and Min-hyuk have also ambled up to them, curiously taking in the scene unfolding before them. “You know about Jong-hyun, of course,” Yong-hwa says, “This is Hyun,” He tells the electric guitarist, “Remember? The one in my letters?”
“The one from Jin-hae,” Jong-hyun says thoughtfully.
“That’s right. This here,” Yong-hwa gestures to Min-hyuk, who waves. “Is Min-hyuk, our drummer and he - ”
“Who’s this now, oppa?”
Standing on Yong-hwa’s other side, is a girl. It’s hard to tell in the dark lighting of the bar exactly, but Joo-hyun thinks that this girl does not look happy to see her.
Joo-hyun can only watch as the girl slides an arm through the crook of Yong-hwa’s left arm, snuggling her cheek against his shoulder, all the while watching her. Just like that, the pieces click into place. Of course, she thinks to herself, a big city rockstar… a big city girlfriend. Why am I not surprised?
The girl continues to regard Joo-hyun with nothing that resembles a welcome, even as Yong-hwa explains. “Hae-in ah, this is Joo-hyun, my best friend from back home in Jin-hae.” He nudges her and Joo-hyun doesn’t know why her heart gives a painful little twist at all this; the obvious familiarity between Yong-hwa and this girl, the way he talks to her so affectionately -
Like me. Like how he used to talk to me, back in Jin-hae.
“She’s older, so call her unnie. That’s okay by you, right, Hyun?” Yong-hwa turns to her now, his eyes obviously excited by the prospect of introducing his girlfriend to his ex-best friend and therefore blithely oblivious to the Looks that Hae-in is shooting her from Yong-hwa’s left side. “This is Lee Hae-in, my girlfriend.”
Still, Joo-hyun is only in town for a few more days, and she wants to get along with Yong-hwa’s girlfriend, which is why she bows more deeply than she should, in the hope that she can actually get along with Yong-hwa’s girlfriend. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you. You can call me Seo-hyun or unnie. I’m glad to meet Yong-hwa’s girlfriend.”
Hae-in obviously doesn’t want to look like the bad one here, which is why she too summons up a smile that can best be described as grudgingly welcoming. “Hi unnie.” She says with a little cutesy wave. “I’m happy to finally meet you too. Let’s be close friends!”
Hae-in follows this up with a quick hug that really constitutes Joo-hyun being dragged into the circle of the other girl’s arms and being released a scant few seconds after. Joo-hyun doesn’t even have the time to feel anything about it, or even to return the hug, but Yong-hwa only smiles down happily at the pair of them.
“So Hyun,” he says, even as the other members of CNBLUE take their unsaid cues, exiting their little circle, with Hae-in lagging unwillingly behind. “What are you doing here in Seoul? What are you doing now even? How’s everything in Jin-hae?”
Part of Joo-hyun automatically bristles that Yong-hwa can make it sound as though the past 5 years of radio silence didn’t just happen; almost as if she pops into his shows in Seoul everyday, and they are just talking as normal friends do. Because nothing about this is normal, she snaps internally, re-taking her seat back at the bar, since Yong-hwa doesn’t seem ready to let this, or let her go anytime soon.
But in the next heartbeat, Joo-hyun chides herself for being childish and petty. How often do you see him, she scolds. And you want to waste it being mad about something that happened a long time ago?
Talk to him.
So she does. “I’m a teacher now,” She tells him, and Yong-hwa claps his hands together, the sides of his eyes crinkling in approval. “I work at the elementary school on Jung-su Road, do you remember?” At his nod, she goes on. “I’m senior teacher and syllabus coordinator now.”
Yong-hwa lets out a low whistle of appreciation at that, and Joo-hyun smiles her thanks. “They’re having a national syllabus review in Seoul this week,” She says, answering another of his questions. “So I just came up for the past 2 to 3 days, and I’ll be going back home on Sunday.”
“That’s 2 more days here,” Yong-hwa says slowly, and Joo-hyun can’t quite fathom the expression that his eyes take on. “So what’re your plans?”
Joo-hyun purses her lips a little. “Well, I was planning to take in some musicals,” she recounts. “Some shows, to see if they’re good for the kids. Maybe go to some museums? We might bring the children up here on a day trip so… ”
Yong-hwa nods, but he seems more thoughtful, a little more hesitant than before, which is why Joo-hyun follows it up with a question of her own. “Why do you ask?”
He shrugs, but Joo-hyun senses that there is more to it than that, which is why she waits. “You’re here in the city alone?” He prompts.
Joo-hyun nods, “They can’t spare that many of us to come up here for the review session. But I’ve been okay,” She reassures him, “I’ve already gotten lost on the subway. Twice. 16 train lines is no joke.”
Just as she hoped, he gets it, this reference to his old letters to her and the ghost of a smile touches his lips. “Confusing, isn’t it?”
Before she can agree, Yong-hwa goes on. “So, listen. If you’re here alone… maybe I could show you around the city.”
Maybe he can see something on her face, something that says no, because Yong-hwa lifts his hand, effectively stopping her. “I mean, you don’t have to say yes,” He says, shifting with some unease. “I know… a lot of… time has passed and you probably have your own plans and things like that. But how often is it that you’re in town that you’re here in Seoul?”
And just like that, his smile, his excitement is back, mounting with each word that comes out of his mouth. “Think about it,” He cajoles. “We could go to all the museums you wanted; I could show you the sights, the best food - there’s this amazing meat place we have to go to in Myeongdong, and all the cafes in Samcheongdong…”
Joo-hyun watches him, watches the way his eyes light up, the way he touches her arm as he rhapsodizes about this chimaek place in Hong-dae that she has to go to.
“… and just like you said, we can even go a musical at night if you wanted! I know how much you love musicals, and oh, Wicked is in town!” Yong-hwa fishes out his own phone, typing furiously away, when he suddenly seems to realize that Joo-hyun hasn’t said a single thing.
He looks back up at her, and in the backlight of his phone, Joo-hyun sees the sudden wash of hesitation over his features.
Joo-hyun knows she should say no. Knows that she should do the sensible thing, and go home and be thankful for this somewhat pleasant reunion that she’s somehow managed to have with Yong-hwa after all these years and of all places, in Seoul.
She knows she should not put her heart out on the line like this again. She shouldn’t. She doesn’t have to.
Which is why she tries to cut him a way out of this gently, “Don’t you have work? And gigs, and auditions? Do you have time to spend with me this weekend? I don’t want to be a burden to you.”
But Yong-hwa only seems to relax at her worrying, bowing his head back over his phone, fingers flying again over the screen. “Don’t worry about it, Hyun,” He says easily. “It’s nothing I can’t reschedule. Plus, as I said, how often is it that you’re in town?”
He slides his phone back into his pocket, and touches her arm lightly, looking at her. All Joo-hyun can see in his eyes is something soft, tender and hopeful. “Just like old times,” He promises, and Joo-hyun tries to quash the sharp edge of hurt in her heart at his words - because what is he promising; how can things be like old times, after all these years? Instead, she tries to focus on the new promise riddled within his words, the hope in his eyes and voice.
“Just like old times.” She echoes, even as Hae-in’s baleful face slides into view over Yong-hwa’s shoulder in the distance.
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The minute she steps foot into Ssam, she feels distinctly nervous and painfully out of place. She chalks this up to a few things: one, that this is a pretty late time for her to be out, especially in Seoul. Two, this is a bar and she’s here alone. Three, that she’s dressed like a teacher, when most girls look like they’re getting ready to go clubbing. Joo-hyun smoothes down her dove-grey belted dress, avoiding the gazes of a group of girls in crop tops and bandage skirts eyeing her from a nearby table.
She takes a seat at the bar, feeling more conspicuous by the minute when she orders a Coke, which gets her another raised eyebrow from the bartender who slides it over to her.
All the while, Joo-hyun’s heart bumps shallowly in her breastbone even as she takes a sip of the soft drink. I’m not nervous, she tells herself anxiously. It’s just the soft drink; it’s too gassy, and I don’t really like drinking these even at home and its not sitting well…
The lights dim even further in the bar, and Joo-hyun’s heart swells to a sudden crescendo even as she turns to face the stage.
First, a tall, slender boy who can’t be more than 21 years of age lopes up, waving drumsticks amiably. Kang Min-hyuk, Joo-hyun guesses, the drummer friend of…
Lee Jong-hyun. Another man, this time looking a little older than Kang Min-hyuk, makes his way upstage, with long dark hair that flops into his eyes. He gives the slightest nod of acknowledgement to the room, more preoccupied with strapping an electric guitar over his body. This must be Yong-hwa’s roommate from 5 years ago. Are they still roommates today?
The tallest among all the assembled members, with the longest hair of them all, appears onstage as well, waving at the crowd in a familiar manner. He tucks his hair behind one ear, picking up his bass guitar. This must be Lee Jung-shin, Joo-hyun picks out the only name she didn't recognize from the webpage link.
And then, before she can even prepare herself, there he is and Joo-hyun’s breath catches in her throat.
Yong-hwa oppa.
It’s strange that he can look both unfamiliar and familiar to her at first glance - but there definitely is something different about him, especially since she hasn’t seen him in 5 years. He is taller, leaner - he’s lost some weight in his face and his arms are surprisingly defined in a way she doesn’t remember. His hair is no longer short and spiky as it was when she sent him off; it’s slightly longer, though not as long as Jong-hyun and Jung-shin’s, and it’s dyed in this shade of brown that makes him look like one of those pop stars she see in advertisements on television. Joo-hyun can’t deny the fact that he looks really good; in a plain white T-shirt with a red plaid shirt over, form-fitting jeans that are all the rage these days - Yong-hwa looks exactly like them, she realizes. Like a Seoul boy.
But when he grins out at the audience, pushing his hair out of his face, there it is, that snaggletooth that is uniquely and 100% Yong-hwa, which makes Joo-hyun press her hands involuntarily to her mouth, because there he is. That’s my Yong-hwa oppa.
She almost misses the first part of what he’s saying, but even his voice sounds remarkably the same after 5 years, a slightly deeper timbre, which manages to snag on memories that she’d thought she buried a long time ago. “Hey everyone. Having a good night?” He laughs casually at some of the shouted responses from the bar-goers, even as he slings on his own electric guitar. “Not enough alcohol here at this table? You got it.” Joo-hyun can only watch, as he gestures for a nearby waiter, who hurries to take more orders from the mentioned table.
Joo-hyun marvels at how confident, how self-assured he sounds onstage. Not that Yong-hwa was ever lacking in confidence, but even she can see how much more comfortable he is onstage now. Almost as if performing is a second skin to him; something that he was born to do. I guess these five years here haven’t been in vain.
Meanwhile, Yong-hwa continues. “Well, we’re going to start off tonight with one of our classics. If you know it, sing along. Here’s Drive It Like You Stole It.”
Some of the bar-goers whoop loudly - they must be familiar with the band, with CNBLUE, Joo-hyun thinks, trying out the name in her head. Jong-hyun starts strumming a loud, heavy riff even as Jung-shin and Min-hyuk come in together on the drums and bass, pounding out a steady beat that has the crowd clapping. But Joo-hyun’s eyes are steadfastly on Yong-hwa, who is now looking down at his own guitar, picking out the chords as he joins the rest of the band in the song.
Joo-hyun doesn’t realize she is holding her breath, silently rooting for him as Yong-hwa starts singing.
You just can’t stand the way that I walked out from the wreckage
Can’t understand the way that I turned myself around
I tried to terminate this war, with you
But you won’t let it go; you keep coming back for more
She knows that she is behaving in a stupidly emotional manner that is so unlike her usual self, but Joo-hyun cannot help it; wiping tears from her cheeks, even as she claps along with the rest of the bar. She is just so proud, so, so absurdly proud of Yong-hwa. He’s good. Really good. She’s not just thinking that because he’s her friend even; Joo-hyun already loves the arrangement, the energy and the melody of the song and she doesn’t seem to be alone in this by the way the others in the bar respond. But most of all, it is the lyrics which hook her heart, which have Yong-hwa, his drive and tenacity, written all over them.
He was right to go this far to chase his dream - where else could he be except here? Not in Jin-hae, that’s for sure.
The band segues into the chorus, and by then the crowd is gathering in front of the small space in front of the stage, a throng of moving bodies which are obviously getting into the music and Joo-hyun can only smile, even as she claps along.
This is your life
You can go anywhere
You gotta grab the wheel and own it
And drive it like you stole it
Roll it
This is your life
You can be anything
You gotta learn to rock and roll it
You gotta put the pedal down
And drive it like you stole it
And drive it like you stole it
When the song comes to a final finish, Joo-hyun finds herself on her feet, clapping so hard that her palms sting. Oh oppa. You did it, she mentally tells him from the bar, across the room. You did it, and I couldn’t be prouder.
Up on stage, Yong-hwa grins, big and blinding. “Thank you,” He tells the crowd, and Joo-hyun is sure that she’s not the only one in the room who can hear the sincerity ringing through his words. After all these years, Yong-hwa is still genuinely thankful and grateful for the people who appreciate and love his music and this realization makes Joo-hyun feel a little less acutely the distance of the years, the time spent apart.
“How’s everyone doing tonight? Feeling ready to get this Friday night started?” Yong-hwa raises a hand over his eyes, squinting against the glare of the spotlight. “How about you guys over there at the bar? You guys good?”
Joo-hyun’s heart gives a sudden jump at the unexpected direction of his scrutiny; instinctively, she shrinks back just the slightest, which is silly because it’s not like she can jump over the bar right now to hide without giving herself away. Instead, she looks around and is briefly reassured; there are at least 3 couples standing at the bar, a group of guys who raise their cups to Yong-hwa who returns it with a salute. He won’t be able to see anything from this far, she tells herself bracingly. The lights also make it hard for him to see anything in the darkness. He hasn’t seen me.
Yet, in spite of what she tells herself, she trembles in just the slightest even as Yong-hwa looks in her direction of the bar, his hand still over his eyes.
She can’t be too sure; she must be imagining it - but when his hand leaves his eyes, there is a pinch between his eyebrows, his confusion clear in the extra second that his gaze lingers in her direction. He can’t see me, he can’t see me, she chants mentally, forcing down every instinct that is screaming at her to grab her purse and make a run for it.
But Yong-hwa simply turns to another corner of the room in the next moment and the pent up air in Joo-hyun’s lungs come out in a huge relieved rush.
The rest of the set takes about 30 minutes or so. Joo-hyun taps her fingers on her knee along to the faster numbers, soaks in the slower songs, enjoying their lyrics. She even takes a few videos for Mrs Jung; the older woman didn’t know she was coming to Seoul, nor was Joo-hyun planning on telling her either, for fear that the older woman would encourage her to track down Yong-hwa. Now, she thinks, at least she’ll be able to make her neighbor happy with these unexpected videos of her son performing. At least I’ll be able to keep up that story that I’ve been weaving, that Yong-hwa’s been keeping in touch with me all these years.
“Thank you, Ssam Bar! You’ve been great tonight.” Yong-hwa grips the mic stand a little tighter, and even from across the bar, Joo-hyun can feel some of his tiredness, can see the sweat shining on his forehead. Still, his ebullience, his relieved gratitude to the crowd and fans is unmistakable even from this distance. “Do follow us on Facebook for more details about our upcoming performances - we’re CNBLUE. Thank you and have a great night!”
The crowd breaks into a smattering of heartfelt applause, and the guys begin to make their way offstage. Joo-hyun thinks that they should probably head backstage, or wherever it is bands go after finishing a performance, and on that note, she begins to wave down the bartender to pay her bill and leave.
What she doesn’t expect is the bassist, Jung-shin, loping offstage and heading right for the bar.
Oh god, I have to -
Joo-hyun snatches up her purse at the same moment that Jung-shin arrives at the bar.
This close up, he’s even taller than she imagined, much taller than Yong-hwa, she realizes. He is obviously sweaty and exhausted, just like Yong-hwa, coming offstage after a performance like that, and Joo-hyun freezes, unsure.
Jung-shin doesn’t notice her at first. “Hyung,” The bassist calls to the bartender, holding up a single finger. “One water, please. I left my bottle at home. I’m dying here.”
Joo-hyun is inching her butt off the stool, hoping to beat a quick retreat, but she makes the mistake of looking up and now, Jung-shin is looking at her. He is really good-looking, she thinks, slightly flustered under his gaze, but if anything, his smile is friendly and open. “Hi! Did you just catch our performance?”
She bites the inside of her cheek, avoiding the need to look around the room, to see if Yong-hwa is anywhere nearby the both of them. That would be rude. Instead, she returns his smile with one of her own, and in spite of everything, her reply is genuine. “I did. I saw the whole thing and you guys were great.”
“Thank you!” Jung-shin, like Yong-hwa, has a sincerely pleased look on his face at her praise. “Have you seen any of our performances before? Which songs did you like?”
Joo-hyun really, really doesn’t want to be rude, but if the members of CNBLUE are going to be offstage and mingling with the rest of the crowd, she really, really needs to get out of here. “I’m sorry, I - ”
Jung-shin slaps a hand to his forehead ruefully, cutting her off. “Of course, I’m sorry. Where are my manners? I’m Jung-shin, bassist of CNBLUE. And you are…?”
“Joo-hyun? Seo Joo-hyun?”
Joo-hyun shuts her eyes tightly. She doesn’t even need to turn around, doesn’t need to look at who it is, because she knows. She knows that voice, knows it like the back of her hand. Even if I haven’t heard it in five years.
I should have run while I got the chance. Why did I stay for the whole set? Why didn’t I leave after the first song? Stupid, stupid, Joo-hyun.
Her hands are shaking in her lap, but she balls them up into fists to steady herself, nails digging fiercely into the soft flesh of her palms. The pain anchors her firmly to this moment, forcing her to think above it. I can do this, the rational part of herself coaches from deep within. I can do this.
I sent him off, out of my life 5 years ago. I can say hi like a normal human being, hold it together for five minutes of niceties and then get the hell out of here.
She releases her hands, smoothing down her skirt. This is going to take everything in her, but she can do it. Just be cool, Joo-hyun. Be cool.
She turns around with a smile that she hopes is playful, light, but her smile feels like it’s frozen in place when her eyes meet his - the lead singer of CNBLUE, her long time neighbor, her ex-best friend from her childhood days, standing just a few paces from her, staring at her with what is undoubtedly a gobsmacked expression on his face.
Joo-hyun belatedly realizes that a few beats have passed and Jung-shin is watching their exchange with some bewilderment, and so she tries again, forcing her smile wider. She prays that Yong-hwa cannot hear the shake in her voice when she teases, “You used to call me Hyun then.”
For one long awful moment, Yong-hwa just stares at her, like she’s grown two heads or as if he’s seen a stranger - which maybe she is to him now.
But in the next split second, the expression on Yong-hwa’s face unfolds into something like wonderous surprise, a look of joy that is utterly unexpected in Joo-hyun’s mind. For that brief moment, her heart and all the wariness and defences surrounding it, soften in the slightest and she lets herself feel a fraction of the joy and happiness she always thought she would feel when she saw Yong-hwa again.
“Hyun,” He breathes and Joo-hyun doesn’t even have time to think, doesn’t have time to do anything as he closes the space between them in a few quick steps, throwing his arms around her. All she can do is breathe him in deeply; that familiar boy smell that is Yong-hwa oppa, a whiff of cologne she doesn’t recognize, and underlying it all, the achingly present scent of coffee, both the same now and 5 years ago, which pricks painfully at Joo-hyun’s eyes. For one long moment, she holds on, and lets herself be held. Oppa.
But too soon, he is pulling away already, eyes so bright that she can’t help but smile back at him in spite of everything. “What are you doing here, in Seoul? Are you here for good? How did you know to find me here? Did you come for the - ”
“I saw it on Facebook,” Joo-hyun says, anticipating the last half of his unspoken question. She includes the nearby bassist in her next words, “It was really good, as I was telling Jung-shin ssi. I really liked the first song and the slower one, Up.”
Yong-hwa beams at her praise, but before he can say anything more, Jung-shin gets a word in first. “Hyung, you know this girl?”
Yong-hwa smiles at her, but there is also hesitation in the way his hand lands on her shoulder, almost as if he wants to put his arm around her but has stopped himself from doing so. Nevertheless, his hand is a comforting warmth and weight that Joo-hyun feels all the way down to the tips of her toes. “Jung-shin, I’d like to introduce you to my best friend, from Jin-hae, Seo Joo-hyun. You can call her Seo-hyun.” He uses the name that Joo-hyun usually uses with strangers; he remembers, Joo-hyun thinks with some surprise, remembers that Joo-hyun is only for close friends and family.
She exchanges polite bows with the bassist; by now, Jong-hyun and Min-hyuk have also ambled up to them, curiously taking in the scene unfolding before them. “You know about Jong-hyun, of course,” Yong-hwa says, “This is Hyun,” He tells the electric guitarist, “Remember? The one in my letters?”
“The one from Jin-hae,” Jong-hyun says thoughtfully.
“That’s right. This here,” Yong-hwa gestures to Min-hyuk, who waves. “Is Min-hyuk, our drummer and he - ”
“Who’s this now, oppa?”
Standing on Yong-hwa’s other side, is a girl. It’s hard to tell in the dark lighting of the bar exactly, but Joo-hyun thinks that this girl does not look happy to see her.
Joo-hyun can only watch as the girl slides an arm through the crook of Yong-hwa’s left arm, snuggling her cheek against his shoulder, all the while watching her. Just like that, the pieces click into place. Of course, she thinks to herself, a big city rockstar… a big city girlfriend. Why am I not surprised?
The girl continues to regard Joo-hyun with nothing that resembles a welcome, even as Yong-hwa explains. “Hae-in ah, this is Joo-hyun, my best friend from back home in Jin-hae.” He nudges her and Joo-hyun doesn’t know why her heart gives a painful little twist at all this; the obvious familiarity between Yong-hwa and this girl, the way he talks to her so affectionately -
Like me. Like how he used to talk to me, back in Jin-hae.
“She’s older, so call her unnie. That’s okay by you, right, Hyun?” Yong-hwa turns to her now, his eyes obviously excited by the prospect of introducing his girlfriend to his ex-best friend and therefore blithely oblivious to the Looks that Hae-in is shooting her from Yong-hwa’s left side. “This is Lee Hae-in, my girlfriend.”
Still, Joo-hyun is only in town for a few more days, and she wants to get along with Yong-hwa’s girlfriend, which is why she bows more deeply than she should, in the hope that she can actually get along with Yong-hwa’s girlfriend. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you. You can call me Seo-hyun or unnie. I’m glad to meet Yong-hwa’s girlfriend.”
Hae-in obviously doesn’t want to look like the bad one here, which is why she too summons up a smile that can best be described as grudgingly welcoming. “Hi unnie.” She says with a little cutesy wave. “I’m happy to finally meet you too. Let’s be close friends!”
Hae-in follows this up with a quick hug that really constitutes Joo-hyun being dragged into the circle of the other girl’s arms and being released a scant few seconds after. Joo-hyun doesn’t even have the time to feel anything about it, or even to return the hug, but Yong-hwa only smiles down happily at the pair of them.
“So Hyun,” he says, even as the other members of CNBLUE take their unsaid cues, exiting their little circle, with Hae-in lagging unwillingly behind. “What are you doing here in Seoul? What are you doing now even? How’s everything in Jin-hae?”
Part of Joo-hyun automatically bristles that Yong-hwa can make it sound as though the past 5 years of radio silence didn’t just happen; almost as if she pops into his shows in Seoul everyday, and they are just talking as normal friends do. Because nothing about this is normal, she snaps internally, re-taking her seat back at the bar, since Yong-hwa doesn’t seem ready to let this, or let her go anytime soon.
But in the next heartbeat, Joo-hyun chides herself for being childish and petty. How often do you see him, she scolds. And you want to waste it being mad about something that happened a long time ago?
Talk to him.
So she does. “I’m a teacher now,” She tells him, and Yong-hwa claps his hands together, the sides of his eyes crinkling in approval. “I work at the elementary school on Jung-su Road, do you remember?” At his nod, she goes on. “I’m senior teacher and syllabus coordinator now.”
Yong-hwa lets out a low whistle of appreciation at that, and Joo-hyun smiles her thanks. “They’re having a national syllabus review in Seoul this week,” She says, answering another of his questions. “So I just came up for the past 2 to 3 days, and I’ll be going back home on Sunday.”
“That’s 2 more days here,” Yong-hwa says slowly, and Joo-hyun can’t quite fathom the expression that his eyes take on. “So what’re your plans?”
Joo-hyun purses her lips a little. “Well, I was planning to take in some musicals,” she recounts. “Some shows, to see if they’re good for the kids. Maybe go to some museums? We might bring the children up here on a day trip so… ”
Yong-hwa nods, but he seems more thoughtful, a little more hesitant than before, which is why Joo-hyun follows it up with a question of her own. “Why do you ask?”
He shrugs, but Joo-hyun senses that there is more to it than that, which is why she waits. “You’re here in the city alone?” He prompts.
Joo-hyun nods, “They can’t spare that many of us to come up here for the review session. But I’ve been okay,” She reassures him, “I’ve already gotten lost on the subway. Twice. 16 train lines is no joke.”
Just as she hoped, he gets it, this reference to his old letters to her and the ghost of a smile touches his lips. “Confusing, isn’t it?”
Before she can agree, Yong-hwa goes on. “So, listen. If you’re here alone… maybe I could show you around the city.”
Maybe he can see something on her face, something that says no, because Yong-hwa lifts his hand, effectively stopping her. “I mean, you don’t have to say yes,” He says, shifting with some unease. “I know… a lot of… time has passed and you probably have your own plans and things like that. But how often is it that you’re in town that you’re here in Seoul?”
And just like that, his smile, his excitement is back, mounting with each word that comes out of his mouth. “Think about it,” He cajoles. “We could go to all the museums you wanted; I could show you the sights, the best food - there’s this amazing meat place we have to go to in Myeongdong, and all the cafes in Samcheongdong…”
Joo-hyun watches him, watches the way his eyes light up, the way he touches her arm as he rhapsodizes about this chimaek place in Hong-dae that she has to go to.
“… and just like you said, we can even go a musical at night if you wanted! I know how much you love musicals, and oh, Wicked is in town!” Yong-hwa fishes out his own phone, typing furiously away, when he suddenly seems to realize that Joo-hyun hasn’t said a single thing.
He looks back up at her, and in the backlight of his phone, Joo-hyun sees the sudden wash of hesitation over his features.
Joo-hyun knows she should say no. Knows that she should do the sensible thing, and go home and be thankful for this somewhat pleasant reunion that she’s somehow managed to have with Yong-hwa after all these years and of all places, in Seoul.
She knows she should not put her heart out on the line like this again. She shouldn’t. She doesn’t have to.
Which is why she tries to cut him a way out of this gently, “Don’t you have work? And gigs, and auditions? Do you have time to spend with me this weekend? I don’t want to be a burden to you.”
But Yong-hwa only seems to relax at her worrying, bowing his head back over his phone, fingers flying again over the screen. “Don’t worry about it, Hyun,” He says easily. “It’s nothing I can’t reschedule. Plus, as I said, how often is it that you’re in town?”
He slides his phone back into his pocket, and touches her arm lightly, looking at her. All Joo-hyun can see in his eyes is something soft, tender and hopeful. “Just like old times,” He promises, and Joo-hyun tries to quash the sharp edge of hurt in her heart at his words - because what is he promising; how can things be like old times, after all these years? Instead, she tries to focus on the new promise riddled within his words, the hope in his eyes and voice.
“Just like old times.” She echoes, even as Hae-in’s baleful face slides into view over Yong-hwa’s shoulder in the distance.